LJ1972

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Yesterday I met with our trainer in the fitness center at my job.  She did a fitness assessment (measurements, weight, % body fat, etc) and is developing a workout plan for me to use during the next few weeks.
   Today was my LAST visit with the nutritionist for the  required 6 month "nutritional study".  My BMI is below 50! (49.9 I think lol).
I emphasized again to the whole staff (office manager, nurse, nutritionist) about my anxiety attacks and how that is the main thing I am afraid of for the surgery. They assured me again that I will be kept very happy and everyone will work really hard to make sure I have a good experience. yeah right.  

   The nurse said they won't retest me for the h.pylori. I thought that was really weird, so I'll ask my primary doc about it when I see him. There is also no endoscopy planned, so I will run that by him as well. If he is ok with it I will be, I trust him.

 Anyway I will edit at some point to add the measurements and such for record keeping purposes.  Now it is just waiting to see if I get approved by the insurance and then starting on the scheduling and pre-op nutrition class.

 There is nothing really to write about. I am just trying to keep in the habit of coming here.
 
 I had my session with J, my counselor today. I have been seeing him for years because of PTSD, depression, etc and he will be my counselor through the WLS as well.  I am buddies with him and his wife... not "Grill out and watch the game" kind of friends, but  "wave hello at church and give me a call sometime" buddies.  He is very excited for me having WLS and has been reading mental health sites so he will be brushed up / fresh on the info.... that means a lot to me.

   We talked some about my anxiety attack last Friday night.  He wants me to continue to picture myself going through the pre-surgery admission process but to be more aware of when I start feeling anxious.  I will call him as soon as I am halfway coherent after surgery - my sister will call him and let him know how I am doing. He said he and his wife may come visit if it is ok with me - I am thinking who cares if he hears me "toot",  I will love to have a grounding visit from him. 

   I have a busy day tomorrow. I keep planning to do so much towards exercising and I always seem to get through the day without it.  I did do a lot of hard work outside in the 98* heat today for about an hour.  Tomorrow morning I am doing maternity photos for a friend and my nephew has a 3pm baseball game, then back to work on Sunday (and July 4). 

Next week I see the NUT for the final time (6th visit) on Wednesday.  I have also emailed the fitness trainer who works in my employer's gym and she is going to do measurements, a fitness assessment and help me come up with a workout plan for the next few weeks pre-op.  We'll see where to go with it once I am cleared for working out again. 

 Each payday I buy a little something for my post-op kitchen. RIght now I don't cook at all, but I know that will have to change post-op.  I have printed some seemingly simple recipes from Nik and a few from eggface.  I bought a mini-chopper, a blender, a stick mixer (is that what it is called?  LOL ), a mini-loaf pan and today a mini-muffin pan.   Now I really need to clean and organize my kitchen so I have somewhere to put this stuff (along with the 3 bottles so far of SF syrup).


I guess I had more to write than I thought!  HA

So in reading around on OH I see where folks talk about the "liquid diet insanity" and "mental breakdown on pre-op diet".  As previous posts clearly explain, I have very severe anxiety.  I am wondering if I should do a trial run of the liquid diet? Maybe a day or 2 at a time? My friend who had WLS in April suggested starting a week ahead of time and doing 2 days of  2 small meals (lean cuisine) and one shake, then do 1 small meal and 2 shakes until time for the all liquid diet. She only had to do 4 days, I have to do 6. 

  I see the NUT again on July 6 and I am afraid I am not going to have a weight loss by then. Doing the liquid diet would help me lose, but would it be a "false" reading?
I need to exercise but I didn't bring workout clothes with me tonight to work.  I want so much to walk the neighborhood with my dog, Rio, but he has a partially torn knee ligament and walking any distance almost cripples him (but he isn't "severe enough" for the ortho vet to do surgery *sigh* ).  I guess I could walk by myself, but I guess Rio is kind of a buffer between me and the world - everybody always focuses on the big, handsome, friendly Lab instead of the fat girl on the other end of the leash.

  I sent some mental health after WLS links to my counselor.  He is very smart and wise so it is all probably stuff he already knows, but when I asked about sending him links, he said he would like to see them.   (we have an agreement - no therapist "fluff" - tell me the truth, the brutal truth, and we'll work it out from there.  Brutal honesty has worked for us  ... so if he didn't want them he would have said so).   He said we will work on a plan for the anxiety of surgery - both Pre-op long term AND short term (as in waiting to go back) and Post op once I am conscious enough to work the plan. He said otherwise I have to trust my surgeon and his staff ... I feel pretty ok with that (a guy at work is a buddy of mine, had the surgery with Dr. Friedman and they were  playing "words with friends" a little while ago lol).  I think Dr Friedman really cares about individuals, not just stats, so hopefully he will make sure my anxiety is Pharmaceutically controlled )

  I went out and bought about 10 cans of veggie and fat free refried beans since I was told I will be on pureed when I get home.  THEN I read the sample menus in detail and it says to avoid beans because of how gassy they are. LOL so I will be set for some beans once they are allowed!!

 Last night I was thinking about surgery and about how I had an anxiety attack waking up from my wisdom teeth surgery.  I was thinking (worrying) about being "tied down'  by IV tubes and compression socks, etc.  About going sooo long without anything to drink and how that dry scratchy throat triggers panic attacks for me.... and right there last night I had horrible anxiety. I had to get up after a while and take some meds because it was like there was electricity all under my skin. 

  If I freak out just THINKING about those things, what is going to happen when they are reality?
I have told my surgeon's nurse about my anxiety, but I just don't know how to impress on them how much of a problem it can really be.  I see my PCP but not until Aug 2 so I don't know if that will be time for him to help me through it or not. My counselor will be in town and available, but that isn't going to do me much good in recovery.   *sigh*  I am afraid.  Not of pain (not looking forward to it, but not afraid of it), not of dying (I am a Christian and know where I will be).... I am afraid of being afraid!!  sheesh.  

.... is a whole new thing for me.  I am generally a muddy washed out doormat.  Two times in one month I have stood up for myself in what would normally be a very intimidating situation. I am so non-confrontational I put up with a lot of things even I know I don't have to tolerate, but I just do.
   Anyway, most recently was at my primary care doc's office.  I love love love my PCP, he is very knowledgeable, kind, caring, compassionate and firm.  His nurse is great. His office staff is horrid.  Example: 2yrs ago I had horrible neck pain.  I have a really high pain tolerance so I just dealt with it - laying down, sitting up, standing etc was excruciating and tear inducing. At work people would walk by and ask if I was ok because of the pain in my expression.  After a couple of weeks of dealing with it, I called my doc on a Friday morning.  They prescribed a muscle relaxer and said if it didn't help to go to the ER. Well, Saturday night found me in the ER where I was formerly employed.  They did some neurological checks, prescribed some Lortab (did nothing) and told me to see my doc on Tuesday since Monday was a holiday.
   
 Tuesday morning I call my doc - they won't schedule me without the ER records which are at a different hospital. I jumped through hoops all day to get the records sent and finally the receptionist told me to go to their ER so they could get the records. I assured her there was no way in Hades I was going to pay another $50 for records saying I had neck pain and to see me PCP. I gave up and went to work that evening.  Wednesday morning I called them in tears and his receptionist told me I should have gone to their ER so they could get the records.  I told her if I was the kind of person that it was an option, on Saturday evening I would have shot myself in the head.   They got me an appointment for that afternoon (I wasn't threatening anything, just trying to emphasize the severity of the pain).

 Anyway, to make a long story longer - I had a doc appointment this past Monday 6/20. I thought it was at 1120a, but it was at 1020 so I missed it.  She told me she would have to reschedule me and I was fine with that... until she said "I can't get you in to see him until December"
ummm... no.  I am having surgery in late July / early August so I need to be seen before then
"Well, he has a PA you can see"
no.  no.   I am having major surgery and I need to see my Doctor before then.

She just stared at me a minute and then said she would make a note and he would have to tell her when he wanted her to work me in.  I told her I'd call her next week to check on when I should plan on my appointment.

Not a big deal you say? wrong. HUGE for me. 


  I have submitted for a day off to attend the support group for my surgeon in July. I want to try to go as much as possible even though I am in counseling and have a wonderful counselor.  Last month a friend at work brought me the handouts from the support group and I gave my counselor, J, a copy.  I want him to be as informed as possible about what I may face post-op.


My worst fear is the anxiety. Not now, but on surgery day and while in the hospital. I have severe claustrophobia - I mean anything that feels like it restricting my breathing causes an anxiety attack.  I just don't see me doing well with the OR, being strapped to the table, waking up in recovery with anesthesia brain, my legs being "trapped" in the compression stockings, me being "trapped" in the bed because of wires etc.     When I was 16 I had my wisdom teeth taken out under general anesthetic and I had an anxiety attack waking up with the oxygen in my nose and my throat numb. 
  My last visit to the NUT I talked to the nurse and told her about it... she said she would make sure I am taken care of because she is claustrophobic as well (and had WLS).  I just don't have a lot of faith in it though.

My 6th visit of the required 6 will be July 6 (yikes at the 666 lol).  I thought I would have my nutritional education stuff in August and then probably surgery in September. Umm evidently not.
  NUT said after my July visit I will be scheduled for pre-op testing and they will be in touch with my insurance..... and I could have the surgery late July!! WHAT?!?! WOW - my nerves just went through the roof!

  I have already decided that I will wait until at least the 2nd week of August. I know the chances of something really bad (dying) happening is slim, but there are risks with anesthesia whether for RNY or appendectomy and I don't want to take that risk right on top of my niece's 21 birthday and my nephew's 16th.  On the odd ball chance something happens, I do not want them to remember it happening on those important days.

 Moving on - wow

I have to really get on it and get my house cleaned up and ready for more kitchen duty.  NUT said I would be on pureed when I got home most likely, so I am not going to buy more chicken broth ( have 4 containers of nice size).  I figure I'll stock up on some protein powder (need to order some unflavored) and..... what else?!?!?!

wow...... so much faster, so much closer than I imagined

I haven't posted in a while, just too much going on.  On Tuesday, May 24 I had to have my almost 15yr old Lab, Buford, put to sleep. I was devasated but didn't have time to grieve - Wednesday I cleaned out my truck and packed my bags so I could leave at 330am Thursday morning and drive 10.5 hours to Texas.  I spent Friday with my niece and nephew, ate ok but not great at Logan's Steakhouse, went to nephew's graduation and then an ice cream shop - I had a small frozen yogurt but added hot fudge sauce.  :(  Saturday we spent the day together and I left about 5pm and drove the 10.5 hours home - getting here about 330am. 
  Sunday I rested, then Monday (Memorial Day) I was really sick with a fever and major stomach upset.  I slept 16 hours and woke up fever free but weak as a new kitten.
  I started back to work on Tuesday 5/31 and found out from a very knowledgeable / reliable source that one of my upper managers has a "target on my back".  I have worked since I was 14yrs old and have NEVER had an issue at work?!?  The last 3 years (every year in this position) my performance reviews have been great, earning me $Six hundred dollar bonuses each time - I dont' know why he has it in for me.

My stomach upset continues - I don't know if that medicine just ticked off the h.pylori instead of killing it or what, but no matter what I eat I better not stray far from the bathroom. It has really tipped my world upside down as far as my eating too..... I don't want to eat, feel nauseaus and then all of a sudden I could eat horse if it would just stand still!  I haven't worked out because of being sick, and the effects it has had on my being comfortable with lower body movement such as walking, biking (yowch!) and elliptical training.  My dad has their pool cleaned  up and no longer green, so I am hoping to get down there tomorrow and start at least swimming.

 I go back to the NUT on Monday for my 5th visit of the 6 required by insurance (I think... it is my 5th visit but they may require a full 6 months, not just 6 visits) and  I am scared to death that I have not only not lost, but probably gained!!!  *sigh*

 I had my 4th visit with the nutritionist today - I lost 12lbs since last month's visit! YAY
  We talked about basic nutrition and setting some goals. The goal we are building this month is to get in lots of fiber  - she said 25g and "good luck with that"  hahaha

  I got a copy of just part of my labs - low Vitamin C, high TSH (Thyroid) and  "h.pylori".  I don't know what it is but I have 2 prescriptions. I'll google it at some point, I just hope it isn't something to slow or prevent the surgery. 
Oh... my cholesterol was 119, good cholesterol was low (36 vs > 50) and bad was good (67 vs less than 100)

 I'm not gonna bother writing anymore right now- saved twice and both times I lost the last half of th post.... grrr

I posted in the RNY forum today about my lack of knowledge / experience with cooking.  I am at a loss in the kitchen!  I have been trying to get some 'essentials' together and get my kitchen organized  - boy am I glad I have a couple more months!

A friend of  mine is going to help me.  I am to print off some recipes (here, Nik's blog and eggface) and she will take me shopping, then we'll make up the meals together.  As I get closer, the plan is for us to use her Food Saver and seal several meals for me to freeze at home. 

  I am excited for the hope I see in my future, and very nervous about my ability to claim it.

 My back continues to give me problems. I suppose if I could rest it properly things would improve.  I have tried to not carry Buford (the old dog) as much and to be aware of other bending / stooping /weight-bearing activities I do.   The only exercise I have done the past week has been against the wall "push-ups" , some toe touch stretches and walking the mile.
  Saturday (yesterday) and today I have felt horrible -either finally reaching the breaking point of exhaustion or the beginnings of getting sick.  Yesterday I had an almost 3 1/2 hour nap, but I still slept well last night. This morning I got up around 6 (Buford) and tended the dogs, took the rabbits to their outside hutch, fed the chickens and put the sprinkler on the garden with a timer - then I went back to bed for about 3-4 more hours. 

  I asked a friend of mine if she would stay with me the first night in the hospital. She isn't the ideal company for when you are sick, but she is kind and will be a great advocate.   Yesterday I got my "Diet minder" journal from Amazon.com. I think it looks really cool and easy to use - so maybe it will be easy enough for even me!  ;) 

I need to weight at some point and see where I stand pre-op. I have visits May, June and July to complete the 6 months (If I have the time figured right? My first visit was Feb 4, so my 6th visit will be July but my 6th FULL month will be August).