LJ1972

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It has been over a month since I have posted on this blog.  In that month I have run myself past the breaking point of fatigue and exhaustion - mental, physical, emotional.  And I don't know how to slow down.  I am terrified of slowing down.

Today I have had FOUR ice cream bars. About 900 calories of garbage. And for the most part that is how my days go.  I manage pretty well throughout the day and then in the evening or late night I binge.  I don't know how much longer my gym routine will hold off the inevitable weight gain, and I don't know how much more I can handle cramming into my schedule.

 

Some days I just want to quit.

 

Ok... been a while.... :)

Staying insanely busy and tired. Working out with the trainer, my department at work changed locations and I have a longer drive. My team is performing horribly.  I have more "hawngry" days than I do "normal" (even by my standards!).  Tomorrow morning I have bloodwork at 8am, trainer at 11, gym at 1215, work until 2330.  Tuesday class 0800 - noon, then tilt table test at 1400 (dreading it).  I am exhausted and it just gets worse as the week wears on.

 

I did a 5k yesterday ... new PR 32:23 vs 33:33.  It was sooo cold and the last mile I was coughing like a lifetime smoker.   The last half mile my legs wore out as well,,, but according to Runkeeper I was doing about 5.8mph.... 10m mile!! WOot

 

depression is knocking on my door. I"m not answering.

I am finding just how much of my life is made up of habit.  Coming here is (was?) a habit and I have gotten out of it. I am thinking that is not necessarily a good thing.  Another habit is my eating compulsively - not a good thing.

I weighed at the gym today and I lost my extra 10lbs.  Then had a "HAWNGRY" day and probably regained it all just today.  I really really need to get out of the HABIT of having protein shakes more than 1 or 2x a day.

My truck is broke down (still? again?) and I need to finish cleaning it out before I take it to the shop tomorrow morning, so I will have a late night (in the pouring rain most likely) and then an early morning to finish up.  Dealership at 1030, trainer at 1100, spin at 12 and then work.  I need to get the bloodwork done for the cardiologist, but it will probably be Wednesday morning or maybe even Friday before I do that.  I need to call and see when my appointment with Dr. Friedman is because I think it is next week... and I have a training class at work that is mandatory.

This Saturday is a 5k on the beach, 3/16 is a 10k downtown on the hills. I am supposed to run 2 miles tonight because I decided to do the half marathon plan my trainer developed for me. I figure I can go through the plan then just start over when I reach the end. Hopefully I will work up my nerve to register for a half marathon - maybe the one in San Antonio in November?

 

Just randomness... hoping I will get back into coming here and maybe it will help with accountability.

I spent all of my high school / adult life as an obese person using food as comfort, punishment and anger management.  There were no expectations placed upon me, so I didn't live up to anything.  I did try to be active and do stuff for my niece and nephews - nearly every summer I took them to the water park. We did Sea World, camping, fishing and trips to the river. I never really participated, just financed and chauffeured.

Then, I decided to have surgery. Immediately I changed my lifestyle and started trying to monitor my food. I started working out and a month before surgery I worked up nerve to start with a fitness trainer.  Over the past 18mths I have busted my ass to prove I was serious about surgery and my new life.  Training for an hour 2x a week with the trainer, doing group exercise classes, attending triathlon training sessions, swimming, biking, running on my own.  I monitored my food intake and obsessed over calories and carbs.  I have never ever experienced the freedom and confidence that came with losing 185lbs.  I went to the water park and rode the rides (much to my 17yr old nephew's delight! I thought it would embarrass him but he loved it). I bought a horse and rode him (some).  I bought clothes off the rack - some of them size SMALL but mostly MEDIUMs. Crazy.  I sat comfortably in chairs even the ones with arms on them.  I was told by people I was a "machine" in the gym.  I LOVED MY LIFE>

 

So what happened?  Why has hunger / compulsion / lack of control over taken me?  I didn't think I was getting careless? I still workout with the trainer.  My food has just gotten crazy.  And my life in general is so out of control I feel panicky and claustrophobic to even think of trying to get some sort of recognizable structure.  In my OCD mind, in order to do the right foods I ahve to buy them, and in order to buy them I need room in my fridge and cabinets to keep them - but my fridge and cabinets have food in them. Not necessarily "bad" foods, so I definitely don't want to just toss them and toss the money I spent on them.

Here's what I am hoping :   starting next Thursday I will be in a different work location so I won't be going to my parent's house for my meal break as much.  When I get there is when I tend to start really hogging on some food. Like tonight. There is no way I should be able to eat all I do.  I am going to ask Dr. Friedman about the validity of requesting a scope to see what my pouch is like.  Real proud moment to be looking at a revision before I am 2yrs out.  sigh

anyway - back to hope.   At the new location I am next to the break room so I can put my lunch in the fridge that way it isn't right at my desk, easy to grab.  I am also going to limit my protein shakes.  As much as I love them, they are just liquid calories. The days I try to do just shakes end horribly because I have no control over my hunger.  Maybe that is what I need... to go somewhere that shakes are all I have access to. Or maybe if Dr. Friedman put me on shakes only I would do it. Something has to give, before it is me that gives.

 I saw the cardiologist today.   It wasn't as bad as I expected.  They made efforts to make up for the last experience.  Instead of the tech coming in and doing my history and vitals, the nurse did (weighed 183 with my shoes / jacket on  :(   ). She took my blood pressure laying down, sitting up and standing - all responded normal but were "low"  (100/72 - 104/76). My pulse was 48.  She asked if I had scheduled my tilt table test yet and when it was - then wrote it in 2 or 3 different places on my chart.

  Then someone else came in and just asked about my sodium intake and hydration, and the doctor came in after her. He told me what we already knew - the Holter Monitor results were fine. He said it isn't heart rhythm causing the dizziness and he thinks it is blood pressure. I held back from saying "NO!?!? Really?!?"    He told me again to continue to increase my sodium and water intake until my blood pressure top number is 110 or 120. I don't know how compliant I can be with that, and I told him, because my legs swell with too much salt. He said that is most likely a result of the years I spent so overweight and my body doesn't move fluids from lower extremities as well.   As I was leaving he told me he will see me in 3 months (last time it was a year) and gave me some labs to have run (thyroid and cortisol). He said if I don't hear back results of my tests in what I feel is a reasonable time for me to call his nurse directly.  Then if I still feel things are not moving the way they need to, he gave me a contact number where he personally will return my call.   The nurse, doctor and receptionist were all talking and joking with me as I checked out - my mom goes there so we had a common topic.  Then, this afternoon, the other cardiologist office called to confirm my appointment - the one the original nurse said she would take care of canceling for me.   Good grief.   As I was leaving the medical building I stopped by my surgeon's office and the nurse gave me my B1 injection. I sure hope it helps. I haven't been compliant with my vitamins either - another one of those "structure" things.  

I am so glad I have Dr. Friedman and his staff watching over me.  Even though my B1 numbers come back fine consistently, they had me start supplementing with B1 injections and oral B1 because of my drastic memory changes (as in I have no memory!!).  It helps so much! I can definitely tell when I miss - and I have missed for a couple of weeks now.  Hopefully Monday morning, after the cardiologist office, I can stop in and get the injection. I started back on the B1 tablet a couple of days ago.

Thursday night I got off work at 0100 instead of 0000.  After going home, changing clothes, helping my mom, feeding the horses, tending to chicks / rabbits, looking for my wandering rooster, feeding the dogs and a hot shower, it was 0300.  My alarm was set for 0500 and I went to my 0600 Spinnerval class.  It was a great class - I was so tired lol.  As the class ended and I was helping to carry some equipment back to storage, a young very buff guy said "You are a machine in there!".   yeah baby!  :)

When I got out to the very cold parking lot (ok, no smart comments from Northerners here!), my truck wouldn't start.  Security came over to try to jump start it - no joy.   My dad came and gave me a ride home while he went to a doctor appointment.  My friend sent her hubby to help me.  He picked me up from my folk's house and when we got to my job he had me try to start the truck -  first turn of the key it cranked!  He said he still thought from the sound of it that there is a fuel filter problem.   I had already called and canceled my counseling appointment, so I made a quick trip to the feed store, home to help my mom and then home for a short nap. I really REALLY wanted to just keep on sleeping, but I got up and went to my youngest nephew's baseball game. I had planned to go to my older nephew's game, but he rarely plays (high school politics :(  ) , it was cold and my mom was home alone because my dad had gone to the game. SO I went to their house.  After my dad got home and we helped my mom to bed, I tended my animals and went to bed. I think I slept pretty well.

This morning my phone battery went dead and therefore my alarm didn't go off  - Riley dog missed the first day of school!  It was just as well, since I would have had to leave early to make my rescheduled counseling appointment.  After counseling I took Lucy to Petsmart for an adoption event. She was her sweet self, waggy tail and saying hi - but everybody patted her and then went to the puppies. I'll have to teach her some tricks or something to up our game  :).

I had some lunch (Bubba burger w/ lettuce, tomato, pickle, cheese on 100 cal sandwich thin), helped my mom and went to work.  My friend the photographer called and said she had the most recent canvas I had ordered so I was going to meet her at my parent's house.  My truck wouldn't start.  She brought the canvas to me at work (it is beautiful!) along with a smaller canvas she had made with the quote "Dogs are not our whole lives, but they make our lives whole".  She spoils me!    My dad came at my meal time to give me a ride to their house, then I would drive his truck back to work.  When he got here he had me try the truck - it started.    *sigh*  

The truck did stall out driving down the road, and after I shut off all the lights etc it finally started back and ran long enough to get home.  I helped my mom, ate a ton of food and used my dad's truck to get back to work.  I will have to get up early tomorrow in order to have time to clean out my truck (there is no back seat, it is "stuff" and garbage and cases of water, etc).  I for sure can't take it to a mechanic Monday, but maybe Tuesday I can drop it off somewhere and get it on Wednesday.   Nissan must know I got my work bonus Thursday night.

In other news -  In the coming week I have

Monday -  a cardiology appointment, getting my B1 injection, a vet appointment to have 2 cats microchipped, and a 12hr shift.

Tuesday - Trainer workout at 11, Spin class at 12,  11hr shift

Wednesday - Trainer workout at 1030, then take some gift boxes across town to our new work location. I want to have "goodies" on my Team desks when they come in for their first day there

Thursday - my team starts working at the new location but I will be in an all day class at the current location. I'll head over for a few hours to make sure everyone gets settled in ok. 

Friday - Spinnerval, Counseling,  check on Team at new location

Saturday - RIley to school, then Lucy and maybe Riley or Rio to "Bark to Remember"  - dog friendly Alzheimer's fundraiser at the baseball stadium.

I have a tilt table test on March 5, to check on my dizziness.   March is also the dread time of year for my yearly check up with theGYN.  I also have an appointment to follow up with Dr. Friedman and the dietitian for my 18mth check up and labs.  I hope and pray I have lost this 10lbs by then.

Actually... I need to do more than hope and stop treating prayer like Santa Claus. I need to stop feeding my dang face garbage all the time.  

Ok...another "all about me" post.

 Monday was a horrible day.

  First - I called teh cardiologist office about the test I had done the day after Christmas and they finally had the results. the nurse called me back after a few minutes and said everything looked fine. My lowest HR was 40 and the highest was at the gym at 122.  She said during the higher ranges I had very few, very slight SVTs, but that they would not cause dizziness and weren't of concern.  She insisted it was deyhdration despite my protests of how much water I drink, that my labs don't reflect it and my urine is pale yellow.  Sheesh.

    I had horrible dizzy spells all day long.  Then, like a genius, I ate a HUGE banana muffin and on top of my already spinning world, I had a sugar crash.  I left work for the first time in years.  I was so sick.  On the way home I called Dr. Friedman's office and was able to talk to his amazing nurse that like... listens and crazy stuff such as that.  She said she would talk to Dr. Friedman the next day (it was late and he was gone).   So I went and checked on my mom, took a hot shower and lay down.  A time or 2 I would get so light headed I would grab the edge of the bed.   Tried to sleep. Couldn't.  So I went to my parents for a while. I felt better for the most part, off and on my regular dizziness.  Even though I had tons of time / opportunity to sleep... my body did not cooperate and it was after 3am.  (and  2 xanax)

Tuesday I worked out with the trainer for the first time in 11 days. It was rough! Treadmill hills..... *shiver*

Between training with her and going to the Spin class, I stepped on the scale in the locker room. I GAINED 10 POUNDS!!!!!

 I freaked out... charged into the trainer's office in near tears. She calmed me some, gently scolded me for food choices and moved on.  later that afternoon? I had the toppings off of 3 slices of pizza, as well as 3-4 Hershey miniature chocolates. Yep, freaked out about the weight gain, eh, Lori?

Support group was that evening so the nurse called me to the side and said they were going to refer me back for more cardiology tests, did I want to go to my guy or the one Dr. F had talked to.... I told her I didn't care.  Well, she referred me to the new guy, Dr C  and they called this morning to scheduled me...and I had a voicemail from the other heart doc's nurse this afternoon.  I am the least assertive, most non-confrontational, spineless worm ever.  I was terrified to call the nurse back. But I did. And I told her my issue wasn't really with her or the doc, it was with waiting 7 weeks for cardiac results.  I told her I didn't care who runs the test, i just want to stop being dizzy... that if my local veterinarian could do it I would go to them!

She called back a few minutes later and said the original heart doc wanted to follow up, so he would talk to me on Monday morning and still order more tests. Now I get to spend the rest of the week / weekend terrified of not only being "confronted", but also it is coming from a male in an "authority" position.  Gag.

AND.... I have eaten all evening.  Didn't matter since I ate a TON of dark chocolate peanut butter this morning, but I had hoped to make it through the day without too much damage.  No such luck, and I am still "hungry"

Tomorrow -

0900 - 8 cats to the vet; should be fun

1100 - workout with trainer. Dreading it. Because I feel like I have failed her;  1215 - kickboxing;  1330 - work;  1400-1700 - meet at some point with our company President / CEO.  maybe leave early instead of working until midnight?

Friday - 0600 Spinnerval, 0900 Counseling 1050 massage; maybe work a few hours; catch up with photographer for new canvas print of my dogs

Saturday - 1000 - Riley dog to training; 1200 Lucy to adoption event; 4-midnight work

 

and don't eat.

My mercy.

I know I whine a lot here. It is just me and the occasional passerby.  In real life, nobody knows when I am having a bad day unless it is a BAD day, and then it is only fair to notify them to stay out of my way.  Generally speaking, I am as easy and laid back as they come. If I discover I offended you by something I said or did, I will apologize and try to make it right. Usually, I spend a pretty good bit of time and energy on it (if I was in the wrong, which I usually am).  But even I reach a point of "had enough".  I have apologized and groveled, admitted I was wrong - if it isn't enough then I don't know what is.

The same way with if you tell me you are sad / depressed / ashamed  - I will encourage and smile and reassure until it starts to make me crazy , and then enough is enough, either you will tell me or you won't.  This is the situation I am in now.  My trainer introduced me to someone back around August or so who was struggling after RNY.  I chalked it up to the "emotional phase" and dealt with it. November I said something she misunderstood and I was stuck begging forgiveness for weeks. And I stopped. Suddenly we were ok again.  Then she started the "shame wagon".  I assured her I am in no place to judge anyone, considering my past.  Back and forth, back and forth.  Tonight I snapped.   She said needed to "fill me in" but she was too scared.  I told her it was up to her. She then replied she was afraid of making me angry - and that DID make me angry.  I wrote back (IM) -  "I have spent the last couple of months saying you are fine... not sure how else to say it?".  She sent an ok sorry, that she wasn't trying to be annoying.  I told her  "didn't say you were... I am just at a loss... and I don't have the energy to fight it right now".   She said she didn't know what I meant, so I told her I have too much stress and exhaustion on my own, I just don't have anything left to give.  She replied she isn't asking for anything.      I wish I could get her to understand right now she is asking for everything.

 We spent most of the evening chatting back and forth about how I am struggling with my eating being out of control, not wanting to go back to the gym, being out of my anti-depressant and can't get more until payday (been 2wks and I feel the difference in my anger)  etc.... I just don't have the energy for drama.

This morning when I was helping my mom, she complained that I hurt her. I would never ever intentionally hurt my mom. EVER. But she said something about me just treating her like a sack of potatoes all the time and that made me furious.  Once she was settled in her recliner I left. I was so damn angry and hurt.

So venting and drama of my own... happening now:

 I do not resent helping my mom.  I would MUCH rather look back knowing I was around when she needed me than to wish I had helped her more.  It is so hurtful that she acts like it is no big deal, that I would ever hurt her.  Every day I help her up out of bed, to her recliner or wheelchair.  I fetch stuff for her when she cooks.  Every night I use my lunch break from work to drive to their house and help her to bed. Every night after work I go back to their house and make sure she is settled and get her some milk.  I help her bathe, I change her sheets.  And I would do it all 10000x more if that is what I needed to do.

sure would be nice to hear a thank you though.  Or an "I know you must be exhausted, thank  you for getting up to help me the same time every day, no matter what time you go to bed".

 

just too tired and grumpy. tomorrow is another day. Unfortunately.

I will eat too much of all the wrong things. I am not even convinced I will go to the gym. My legs are still exhausted and I know my trainer will think I am just whining.  Maybe I am... maybe I am mistaking laziness for exhaustion.

 

I wish I could sleep for days and wake up a little more confident that this whole 18mth "journey" has been worth it.

This has been the craziest "rest" week on record, I think!  Extreme stress at work, sleepless nights over the "anniversary" of the death of a co-worker I performed CPR on for over 15 minutes, no gym, no food journaling.... crazy.

Monday was the most infuriating, stressful, drama filled day I have ever had at my job.  I was after 3am going to sleep - with pharmaceutical assistance. Tuesday I had a training class that started at 0800. I woke up at 0814. I did make it to training by 0835.  Lunch was a monstrous salad. I ate a lot of junk otherwise.  Wednesday my trainer let me go to the Yogalates class. The stretching was amazing, but I was surprised how much / quickly I was shaking doing planks.  Thursday I did kickboxing and my balance and coordination were back to zero.  I ate garbage both days.

  Friday I could have gone to an exercise class, but I didn't. I went to my counseling appointment, didn't really want to.... ate garbage.  Saturday my dad and I bought an awesome treadmill. I ran 6.0 for about 30 seconds and left.  Wish I could have had a nap, but instead I took Frank to a "dachshund" meetup (he was not impressed, neither was i) and then I showered and went to game night at a friend's house. We had steak, potatoes, salad, banana pudding.  But before I went I had peanut butter and a banana. I snacked on veggies and banana pudding most of the night.  late getting home, early getting up to help my mom.

For a "rest" week I didn't get nearly as much sleep as I hoped, ate way too much food and way too much junk.  My imaginary week of kicking back on the couch, relaxing under a comfy afghan blanket my friend made and reading a book? Never happened. Not even for 15 minutes.  I was stressed, angry, out of my meds, never took vitamins (any - at all).  Great week.

Here's to getting back to "normal"

WOOT! Wow... I can NOT believe I did a 15k this morning! Not only did I finish it, but I actually ran all but maybe 3/4 of a mile of it and I have only ever run (jogged) a 10k!

It was the Pensacola Double Bridge Run.  I think it is a nationally known race? We had some elite runners from Colorado and such.  The start was in downtown Pensacola, next to the bay. It was sooo cold - around 35*, next to the water with the east wind coming off the bay.  I started from the 11min corral and stayed pretty true to that throughout the run.  The first couple of miles wound through the old neighborhoods then brought us to the foot of the 3mile bridge. There was a water station - I walked the water station and then started back at a comfortable jog.  My friend was with the 10 minute pack, so it was just me and my iPod (1 earpiece because the other fell off around 1 mile!).

This is the first bridge - it is 3miles long. They had northbound (towards Pensacola from the beach) traffic stopped for us. Most people sat in their warm cars, but there were a lot who got out and cheered us on. I tried to get the Blue Bell ice cream truck driver to give me a ride, but he was not cooperative. :)

There was a DJ on the crest of the hill blasting tunes. 

After the 3 mile bridge there was another water station and we were in Gulf Breeze. It was really cool because at this point I was getting tired, but there were folks along the street with signs and cowbells and pom poms, so I kept jogging.  I decided I would jog to the high school (5k start line) and then decide if I wanted to walk.  I jogged on past the high school. My left foot felt like I had a golfball under the ball of my foot, and my right IT was tight tight tight.  Thought about my trainer saying "it's gonna hurt anyway, might as well run faster and get it over with".

Then I came to the Bob Sikes Bridge to the beach - the whole north side of the bridge is uphill, then you get to go downhill on the south side.  There was another DJ set up on the crest. I jogged most of the uphill... walked one section of light post to light post.

 

From the base of the 2nd bridge it is about .75 miles to the finish. I wanted so much to walk a bit, but walking caused crazy pain!! It was like my IT bands seized up if I slowed to a walk. So I would wobble / walk for 10 seconds, then jog a little. I finally said "forget it" and just jogged.  When I turned towards the finish chute I started running a little faster. My trainer was there yelling for me so I picked up the pace a little more.  I remember thinking "what am I doing?!?! Still too far to the finish, I can't keep this pace!"  - but I DID!

I loved this race - not only because it was my first 15k and I feel super about it, but it was incredibly well organized and put on.  And they had finisher medals  ;)

 

My unofficial time (runkeeper app) was 1:49:01 -  OFFICIAL time is 1:47:34,   11:33/avg mile  The only information I have for splits is the runkeeper info,

1 - 11:29
2- 11:13
3- 11:22
4 - 11:11
5 - 12:03
6 - 11:36
7 - 11:38
8 - 11:21
9 - 11:52

 

 

I have been in everyday contact with my counselor and frequent contact with my dietitian.  So here's the deal. My trainer thinks I am overtraining and wants me to take a week off from hardcore workouts at the gym.  The most she will grudgingly agree to is my doing yogalates on Wednesday and Kickboxing on Thursday.  Otherwise, outside walks as weather permits.

NOW my dietitian wants me to stop keeping a food journal for a week.  Her reasoning makes perfect sense, but that doesn't make it any less terrifying.  She said that for me to keep a food journal keeps food on my mind all day long - what I have eaten, am eating, have left to eat - how each bite effects my calorie count and if I get too high do I just give up and eat more?   For a food addict, that can make for a maddening day - and keeps the "drug" dangling like a carrot constantly, no relief.

SO next week, no food journal. No gym. Full out panic, I am pretty sure.  A part of me does see the need for rest. I don't have time for anything, constantly on the go and stressing out.  My body is so fatigued my quad muscles start quivering just from standing for a while. Usually my upper body can take a little more, but even my arms are noodly, and either my shoulder is bruised or I have injured it somehow. The very point of my right shoulder is really sore. 

Along the lines of resting next week, I am limiting my overtime at work and have arranged late night coverage so I can get off around 2230 (except Sunday night and Tuesday night) and hopefully be in bed by midnight - then I will have until 0930 to sleep each day! I am pretty excited about that part!  I think that Friday I will try to read. And clean in my house some more. But Sun - Wed is just rest and work. 

Talked to the cardiologist office today and the testing department still has not found my records. The nurse said she will walk down there if she needs to, in order to check on it. She said if they don't find it they will redo the test no cost to me. She personally thinks it is dehydration because of my labs and work out schedule. It could be, lately. I have only had about 32oz today!  I also have stopped doing so well on my vitamins.  I am turning into a post-op fail.

Work was extremely stressful. I don't do well with confrontation or assertiveness. I can be assertive if I need to, but I don't like it or do it well. Hopefully after this week I can just crawl back into my little hole and get out of the political dooky storm.

Tomorrow morning (Thurs) I workout with the trainer - just jogging and upper body- and have kickboxing class.  I'll work 12hrs, hopefully relatively stress free.