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The ceroma is ever so slowly getting better. My doctor has called every day to check on me. He recommended I see my family physician just to look at it in person since he's in Mexico. I told him that my GP here had reservations about me having surgery in Mexico. He told me to take down his personal cell number and have the local doc call him to discuss any questions or the surgery. That made me feel much more relieved. 

Weight loss wise I think it's in my best interest to not read how much everyone has lost. One person lost 30 lbs in 7 days. It never occurred to me that was even possible. All total with my prep diet I've lost 27 lbs. 15 lbs pre op diet which went on for 4 weeks, then since surgery (2 weeks ago) I've lost an additional 13 lbs. I've got PCOS and metabolic syndrome and I'm doing what I can. With my abdomen still so sore I've not gone out to the gym (nor been cleared for it) but I am quite active. Caloric wise I'm lucky to get in maybe 500 calories per day but get in about 40 grams of protein each day. 

I want to push myself and exercise but it will be another week or so to get clearance and that will be only walking. I'm game for it, especially if it helps in the weight loss. 

Feeling better on most fronts except my largest incision has developed a ceroma. I've been draining it (which was gross, fascinating, relief and terrifying at the same time) and I'll see my family practitioner on Monday to get another round of antibiotics. The antibiotics age me a yeast infection which is trying to linger. My ob/gyn wants me to stop the antibiotics but I can't. I can't risk an infection. My doctor has been calling me every day from Mexico, I send him photos and of course google everything he says which has been all legit. I just want the damn wound to heal. It's not an uncommon complication and has nothing to do with the doctor, sometimes this just happens.

Flew back from Mexico to Atlanta today and am safely tucked in at home. Yesterday I didn't think I'd need a wheelchair but this morning I felt a little weak and started sweating at the airport so I asked for a wheelchair. Best thing I ever did. Tummy is still tender but again, my surgery was intense. The flight was smooth and I was thankful for that. Got back to the house, stripped naked and weighed myself.

Before starting the 2 week pre op I was 285. On the pre op diet I got down to 272, and today I'm 263. I'm thrilled with this weight loss. Psychologically this has been a bit mental. I'm having a hard time to accept that this will stay or I'll loose more. The thought that I am going to is just mind bending. I'm hoping and getting the first pings of excitement that this could actually happen. That I could actually loose weight even given the metabolic syndrome, the pcos, the everything. I had surgery 6 days ago. 9 lbs in 6 days is amazing. Well, amazing for me. I'm so glad I had the surgery even though it's been difficult. So very glad.

This is my experience which hasnt turned out as I thought.

Three days ago I went into the hospital to have surgery. I was having panic attacks about it and crying on my way in. Sounds childish but this is the real deal, all jokes aside. I was wheeled into the operating room and stretched out, arms secured down. Next thing I remember is waking up in god awful pain, yelling. On top of the pain I had hiccups and remember grabbing the doctor and saying you're not listening to me, why do I have hiccups? The gas pain, the abdominal pain, so so bad. My husband told me that the surgery took over 3 hours when it was only supposed to be an hour, maybe + 20. Apparently when they opened me my entire abdominal cavity was filled with scar tissue coming from the intestines. He said it took hours to cut out all that tissue and he had to make 7 incisions instead of the 4 he anticipated. He said it was like 2 surgeries in one so the recovery would be difficult. What I struggled and hated the most was the nausea. I sat up and threw up blood and bile, yelling and grabbing my stomach. I was terrified that I was going to rip everything open. This happened several times. I begged for meds which they gave me. Later they took me for the leak test and I swallowed my first liquid. I remember the doctor doing the test said it was perfect. No leaks and they wanted me to move onto drinking and ice chips. The gas was/ is brutal. Bad pain and he wanted me to keep getting up and move. It was rough, I did get up, went to the bathroom and a few times made a few rounds the nurse station. When I finally got ice chips and lime ice cream in me I felt worlds better. Each day it got better, as the doc said it would. Today I was worried about being discharged, about being ok. He keeps assuring me that medically everything is good and as it should be but he's worried about me emotionally. Not to get too sad and depressed. I finally agreed to go to the hotel and he was right, I do feel better now that I'm here. I took a short walk on the grounds but also walk on my own to and from the bathroom. The gas has eased up, the abdomin is very very sore and the hospital bed dug into my butt bones to the point it's actually painful to sit down and my butt is still partially numb. The pain meds help, they don't take it all away but it's tolerable. The doc told me to try and focus on the positive, think of the better health and also how I will look in pictures. Truthfully right now I don't care about being skinny, I want to feel better. 

Do I regret having the surgery in Mexico with his doctor? Absolutely not. There is no way to diagnose abdominal scar tissue, I've never had surgery before so had no idea it was there. He said he took out 90% of it so he could do the vertical sleeve. I do believe that he has been professional, caring, kind and did what he thought was right. I don't fault him. The hospital staff were all helpful and attentive.

what do I regret? 

Not being able to loose weight and keep it off on my own.

having abdominal scar tissue

having such a bad reaction to the surgery and the pain.

everybody reacts differently to surgery. I've met those who had no complications and were out walk g the streets within the next day. I wasn't one of those. But I made it through the surgery and hope the worse is over.

Again, I would recommend my doctor and the hospital.

It is freakishly hot in Puerto Vallarta. 

It's the last night before surgery. You'd think I'd be dancing on the town, eating as much as possible. I've actually stayed on point with my food and even when I have thought about overindulging I was able not to. My stomached has shrunk but more I'm able to have a bit of food just enough to take the hunger pains away and be ok.

So tonight I'm taking it easy, dip in the pool, have my juice and water for my evening meal and get up tomorrow ready for the next part of my life. I'm trying to stay zen watching movies, the sunset and enjoying time with hubs.

I was scared to fly to Puerto Vallarta and asked the coordinator if I could meet the doctor and tour the facilities a few days before the surgery. This way I could back out if I felt uncomfortable. Living in both the US and Europe I've gotten to experience a wide range of hospital care over my years. My experiences in Austria where the hospitals are not air conditioned (or weren't 10 years ago) really made me nervous. As an American I want my hospitals and food the same; sterile, clean and beautifully presented. Austria made me nervous, living in England I was shocked and convinced I might die from something caught in the hospital and clinics. My first trip to the A&E (ambulances & emergencies) in London I was perplexed that in the room I was being treated were various crumbled balls of rubbish, hair and dirt. I actually had to push some rubbish off the examine table before I climbed up. I know I sound so very precious but I've never seen this in the States. Not that it doesn't exist mind you, just that I have had a level of care which made these other experiences unsettling. I should say though that although the facilities might not have been up to par, in all countries the care of the doctors were the same quality.

so, based off these experiences you can see how I would have been a bit hesitant to have surgery in Mexico, in a hospital I've never seen and a doctor I've never met. So through the coordinator named Gerald, a mysterious well informed and friendly coordinator at that, I asked to meet the doctor and tour the facilities. I arrived at the hospital and it's tiny compared to our mega hospitals in the US. It was very clean, the lobby staff super friendly. They let Dr. Hidalgo know I was there and was happy to wait for him (I was 20 min early). About 10 min later he arrived dressed in regular clothes and met me and my husband sitting in the little Starbucks cafe in the lobby. He sat right down and started chatting. I had a list of questions and he patiently went through everything and my concerns. We probably talked for maybe 45 min, not once did I feel pressured or rushed. He then took us on a tour of the hospital and up to the recovery ward. I was quite curious to see these rooms and it turned out he had 2 patients in recovery who had surgery he night before. I waited in the waiting area outside the rooms and was surprised when he came out and asked if I would like to meet the patients. I went in and met X, a woman maybe my age or slightly older. She said her experience was great. She didn't really feel Any pain and was looking forward to drinking water. I saw her drainage tube which had lots of gas but very little drainage fluid in it. I then was invited to the other patient he had recently performed surgery on. Her mother was there and she was younger than I by at least 10 years. She said she was having a hard go of the pain but it was gas. She showed me her sutures and her drainage tube. Her sutures looked amazing, like a scratch that was stapled shut. The drainage tube was full and she had a good amount of drainage fluid in it. I thought it was interesting that both were experiencing different body responses. It does really seem to be on an individual basis. I asked her if she used gas x and she said she wasn't allowed. I was horrified as I'd pretty much asked the hubs to stick one behind each ear and under my arms before surgery to help (j/k do not do that). Dr. Hidalgo told her she needed to walk to rid her of the gas. She too said she didn't regret it at all, just was looking forward to the gas going. Personally, I've no idea how ill do with the pain. I don't know how high my tolerance is because I try and avoid it as much as possible.

Walking away from the hospital I felt comfortable. I feel like if this is a risk I'm taking, it's a risk that I have controlled all that I can, and the rest is up to God. I'm glad I'm having my surgery here.

Arrived yesterday in Puerto Vallarta. Today we went to Yelapa, a tiny village on the coast you have to take a boat to get to. We then hiked through the village and partially into the jungle to see a waterfall, then we spent the rest of the day lay on the beach being waited on by a very eager attendant. Yes, this isn't a bad a way to live. Towards the end of my relaxing day I was checking the time on my mobile and forcing myself not to play candy crush, and I saw a text come through from someone who is probably the most stressful person in my life. The person who can send me from 1-10000 in ten seconds. I've been keeping my distance due to them being such a food trigger and emotional can of worms. So, I decided to turn off my phone until the surgery and immediate recovery is over. This is a healthy choice, mentally and physically. This is a choice that supports my changes for a better life. When I feel mentally equipped to be able to handle the emotional whirl storm that comes with opening her brand of can, I will. But for now, I want to walk into all this in peace.

Tomorrow is departure day. I decided to give myself extra time in Mexico before and after the surgery. Before because I figured if anything were to happen I'd at least like it to be in an idyllic beautiful beach spot. Puerto Vallarta has promised to provide beauty and beach. Also, I love swimming and though I haven't actually gone swimming in years due to my size, I've got me a new swimming suit and I'm going to go swim in the ocean. I'll have 4 days pre and 4 days post surgery. Post surgery I can't go swimming. Post surgery I'm going to do walking and sitting looking at the ocean. Sure, I can buy waterproof tape but I don't want to risk it. 

I'm scared. I think of all the reasons why I'm going through this, and I know this is a very powerful tool. When I think of all the years of trying, not understanding, and looking at family history and all the things the women in the family have had to go through to be healthy, I know this is a tool I need. I know that once this is done there's no going back, even if I wanted. Once you make that cut it cannot be uncut and that's scary. It's scary because I don't want my choice to get this surgery lead to death or a poor quality of life. Is the risk of a life of complications and pain from surgery comparable to a slow death of obesity? Really aren't I switching the potential of one for the known of the other?

But you know, I've lived a life. I've had a good run, though if something happens it will be a shortish run. But hey, I've traveled the world, been in love, had lovers. The only thing I'd regret is not having kids but that apparently isn't in the plate for me physically at least. 

So the dogs at the sitter, the cat has a sitter, the house is clean, the kitchen has been cleaned out and I've my own shelf filled with various drinks and a pantry stocked with soups and protein and things. No trigger foods and everything is peaceful so when I come home I won't have anything like housework still nagging at me.

This whole trip is self pay and hubs and I decided that if we're gonna go, let's enjoy it as much as possible. So, we decided to upgrade to 1st class (only $250 o/w) for the flight and I'm looking forward to having some quiet time, fun time, and start this new chapter of my life.

I think I mentioned I decided to ease myself into this 2 week pre op diet thing. While I am overwhelmed by the multitude of pre op diet permutations provided by those with experience but no medical training, I'm sticking with what my doc has given me. Basics of it is two meals liquid, one meal within reason, heavy protein.

So I say I started 3 1/2 ish weeks ago replacing one meal till a week ago, the official start date I jumped on the wagon. I had serious doubts this would work. I was frustrated as that scale would not budge. I also have uneven floors and a suspicious mind. Maybe hubs is moving the scale? No, it's in the same place. Maybe my clothes are super heavy? No, weighing nude.

Finally, finally the scale has started to budge. My all time highest was 285lbs (I think hubs moved the scale, seriously, denial/transfer blame much?). Right now I'm sitting at 271 and my surgery is Tuesday. How I would love, love, love to be in the 260's come surgery day because I'm that much closer to onederland. 

Btw, there's an unexpected side effect to this new protein diet. I'm getting in on average minimum 70 grams of protein a day. Let's leave it at I'm on my way to go get stool softeners for the first time ever in my life. 

Another thing that has been difficult was getting hubs on to really understand how difficult this is. But I also have to understand that this is my journey and not his. I can't force my new dietary life on him. Sure, he needs to be healthier but I have to focus on me and not his food. We've come to an agreement. No chips, no sugar, no soda, and try to be cognizant of just because I can't/shouldn't eat something doesn't mean I don't want to. I will admit to hostile feelings when upon drinking my protein shake for dinner he sat down right beside me with pizza. Or last night when he had fish sticks. I swear I think I was licking the air. That was hard and I was strong. And after much further discussion he has agreed not to do that to me and I've agreed not to divorce him for eating pizza beside me. Checks and balances, see? 

I'm curious as to how my taste buds are going to change. One thing I've noticed about myself is how I think about food has changed. I see numerous recipes which mimic the taste of the bad stuff but a healthier version of it. I don't like that my protein drinks are chocolate flavored because I don't want to have chocolate anymore. I don't want to want all that bad stuff and I worry that I will slip into old bad choices. I don't want to have horrible, awful bread with nuts in it and tastes like tree bark ripped right from the woods because it's a healthier choice than having wonderful white wonder bread. I just hope not to crave bread or potatoes and leave it off the plate altogether. I suppose if I can't, then I'll go for the tree bark. But the point of all this is being able to, to be rid of the "can't". 

Hubs mentioned this fitness guys philosophy of rare and appropriate. His thoughts are that previous generations (pre 1960's) would have cake or unhealthy food during celebrations. And celebrations were rare but appropriate affairs. Weddings, birthdays, promotions, living through the plague, etc. And for those rare occasions it was appropriate to splurge and have a piece of cake. I like that philosophy, rare and appropriate. Not every meal needs to be a party in my mouth and at some point the party has to end. I will on occasion in the coming years have a bite of cake and make poor choices. No one is perfect. I'm not planning on it, but I hope the tool of surgery will help me make those choices on rare and appropriate occasions.

I've been on pre op diet for an eternity. Well, it feels like it. After what seemed like years the scale is finally showing a 10lb loss. This gives me hope that once I have the sleeve I could get under 200 lbs. God, I hope I'm doing the right thing. What I actually mean is I hope I'm not doing something which is either going to result in death or a diminished quality of life due to some complication. I know all the potential complications, the odds of complications. I know a few people who have had the surgery online who seem incredibly happy. Then I run across someone who almost died, is $25k in debt because she opted for the "cheap" medical tourism complication surgery and had it in Tijuana. I don't even have medical tourism insurance and her story is terrifying. Her Mexican doctor was vetted and chosen by her personal physician in the US. We have different doctors, but I think complications can happen at any time. The truth is doctors make mistakes and you never want to be the one they have a bad day with. 

But like most people on this website I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being medically "special" and worrying every month that every lb gained is more stored estrogen which will cause cancer due to my basically nonexistent progesterone my body makes. I lucked out in this last biopsy. Simple hyperplasia versus what I had previously. Yes, I want to be thin but more than anything I don't want to be afraid anymore that my weight is killing me slowly. I think that's what I've come to peace with a bit, the whole less than 1% chance of death versus a for sure slow death.

I already feel invisible, I don't want to disappear. My hope is loosing the fat, loosing the excess estrogen stored in these fat cells, and having a chance to see me underneath it all.