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I decided to give myself a good month of the prep diet. I decided to do this because I know myself and know that I'd have an issue with keeping my food on track and clean. 

Interesting enough, the sugar cravings have finally subsided. I'm hoping the carb craving will lesson as well. At the moment I'm doing one or 2 protein shakes for breakfast and pre lunch snack, lunch will be protein with a small carb and potentially fruit/veg, and water. This whole don't drink with your meal will be harder for me than the sugar or the carbs. I hate having a dry mouth and especially when eating I find I prefer swallowing with liquid. Soups are def in my meal plan, lol.

I've been getting nervous about the surgery but am more convinced that this is absolutely the right thing for me. I have fears that I won't loose weight even with the surgery, or I won't be able to loose a significant amount of weight. Given I'm self pay and this is something that is definitely putting a hardship on the financial end, I really want it to be successful.

June 2nd!

I'm having the surgery in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico with Dr. Hidalgo. Paid the deposit, bought the plane tickets, all right let's do this! Thus far his assistant has been great in answering questions via email and calling me. 

So this is really happening. I'm really going to go through with this. 

June 2nd is my surgery day.

Purchased the plane tickets to Mexico. The husband and I haven't had a vacation in awhile so we decided given that we're larger in stature and I'll be returning home with a sore tummy, to upgrade to business class. Normally I wouldn't, but this is a special occasion and the extra $400 seemed worth it. Tomorrow I'm off to the bank to pay the deposit. 

I switched to a new general practitioner a week ago because my long time gp started to become snarky and condescending in my doctors appointments. I complained to her that I had fatigue, an episode of confusion, dizzy spells, numbing/tingling in the hand and some abdominal pain. She wouldn't even discuss it and in a nasty tone said "So are you even exercising, I mean, what are you doing?!" Nothing. I'm doing nothing because being morbidly obese is just such fun.

After that, decided to switch doctors. Got in and being so used to immediately talking about my weight told the doctor "I know this is probably all because of the weight.." and she stopped me. She said while the weight can exacerbate problems and doesn't help, she wanted to look and see what was really going on underneath it. The nurse called to give me a heads up for my docs appointment. I had an ultrasound on my abdomen which showed a fatty liver that's inflamed. So immediately using my google fu and non existent medical degree, I have diagnosed myself with non alcohol fatty liver disease (I don't drink) and now am fretting. Looking up potential causes first thing that comes up on Mayo clinic is gastric bypass. Then you have things like obesity, pcos, insulin resistance (which I have all of those) and that weight loss and diet is key on managing the liver which brings me back to the bypass. Now technically I'm having the sleeve done, but does that count?My docs appointment is on Wednesday to really find out what's going on. Saturday I'm having a resting echocardiogram to check out my heart. 

 

I wonder, when I can finally see myself past the fat, what will I see? Will I actually be able to see past the fat and treat the underling issues that are so softly and compactly protected by all this?

 

But here's what I'm grateful for:

Having a doctor who wants to look past the fat and see what's really going on.

 

I'm glad to have all these tests done now as they give me a piece of mind when going into this surgery and a base point which to compare all else.

A husband who is willing to make the investment in upgrading plane tickets because he thinks I'll be more comfortable on the flight home.

 

Here's what's next on the agenda:

Bariatric nutritionist - I want a clear idea of exactly what to eat, how to figure it out, and someone to be part of my support network.

Docs appointment to go over my liver info and figure out what, huh, where, how.

More research on diet for the sleeve 

Continue to work on a support network and start doing the emotional work now of ending isolation and sorting the emotional baggage which is coming with this.

 

 

That's where I am in my journey.

C. S. Lewis said "We read to know we are not alone". I've looked at hours of youtube video and reading blogs, looking at before & after pictures and reading experiences. And what I know is I am keeping company with millions of other amazing human beings who have shared a collective experience of obesity.

Maybe my story is unique, more than likely it's like everyone else who's found themselves on this website. Our own version of a life of difficulty with food. I wish more than anything I could be successful in weightless and dietary changes with the tools that I have. Somewhere along the lines my tools ran out of batteries, fatigued under the constant use (more like abuse) and I need to do something else. 

So I'll start with what I want:

I want to run. I want to rock climb. I want to cycle across country. I want to be and feel strong. I want to be released of the weight that was brought on by not having and utilizing the tools of healthy eating and the emotional stress which played into it.

I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of so many things that come with being morbidly obese. Not able to cross my legs, the isolation I put myself through, the looks, the shame, the clothes that don't fit comfortably and the morning ritual of "does this shirt/dress/etc hide my belly".

The everything.

 I take full responsibility for my current state.

So, I'm having weight loss surgery. I'm scared but that seems pretty normal. I'm disappointed that nothing I've done on my own and with programs has been able to be successful. 

So down to brass tacks..my insurance BCBS plan doesn't cover bariatric surgery. It happens that every insurance plan I've ever had has excluded bariatric surgery. The quote I got for a surgical self pay is a quarter of what I am paying in Mexico. I'm choosing medical tourism because I can afford it. I also know someone who's actually had bariatric surgery in Mexico and has done quite well with it. I have chosen Puerto Vallarta & Dr. Hildago for a few reasons. 

It's closer to Atlanta. It's a resort town (which gives me probably unrealistic idea) that the level of care will be higher. The cost is a quarter of that in the states. He has good reviews, though I am concerned that I've not heard any bad reviews. I feel like I need reviews to have some disgruntled person amongst them in order to give them that air of authenticity. 100% positive reviews I don't trust. 92% seems like a nice rating to me. Perhaps I should use some algorithm other than the one I use for finding a decent restaurant. I'm only halfway kidding.

I've been lucky enough to live and experience both the US healthcare and the European socialized medicine. While I got less frills and sometimes modern fixtures in socialized medicine, the actual care itself was pretty on par. 

So, I've come on obesity help.com to read your stories, keep (faking) being brave, and learn as much as I can so I know what to expect when expecting surgery. I am slightly concerned about the various youtube videos labeled "Things they don't tell you/wish I had known/no one talks about". Now that I think I've watched them all I expect I'm probably as educated as everyone else.

May 30th is the day.