reneemosley

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Yesterday while Christmas shopping I bought a pair of jeans,,,,,SIZE 12!! I have never in my adult history been a size 12. I still have not caught up in my head, I still cant believe it and really only buy clothes when absolutely necessary. My 16 were falling off so I had to try. I guess I skipped 14. I wear thermals under my clothes to work so Its hard to tell if I have shrunk.I guess  I have.

Tried a new recipe today. Coconut Macaroons. Yuuum and my answer to Christmas treats.

2 Cup Unsweetened coconut (I use Bobs red mill)

4 Egg whites whipped till stiff

1 cup Splenda

Almond extract

Scoop into 30 cookies and bake@ 350 for 16-18 minutes Yuuuum.

Next I will try a little cocoa poderw W/almond torani drizzled over top

 

Really trying new recipes is fun and RELAXING to me. It helps me remember I CAN make this a permanent life style change.

Well today I celebrate 6 months into this journey. I have frequent ups and downs feeling like I will never get to goal. It does not seem possible that I could lose another 111 Lbs to be a "healthy" weight. My initial goal is to be under 200Lbs and I have 17 to go for that. Then my reassessment goal is 150Lbs. At that weight I will see where I feel like I want to be.

I have been dealing with my slow losses with a big girl attitude. My nutritionist and I have been working together since 2006 when I had my band placed. She told me with my history and metabolic issues it would take me 18 months to 2 years to get to goal, so I guess I'm ahead of the game.

I struggle with comparing myself to the success of others and feeling like I'm the only one that has a broken sleeve. Then I go to a step class and have more stamina than the 20 something next to me and in my quiet voice I yell HELL YA!! Or if I get out in nature and work up a sweat I feel all the success just to be there and doing it.

I would have to say this has been amazing so far and I can't wait to keep going and see where I land. I have enjoyed all the normal NSV's, but by far the greatest NSV's so far are having enough energy not to say no to any physical activity and not being afraid to. Being able to partially keep up with my 11 year old and having space between me and my husband on the Harley run a close second.

I never had a second thought about getting this surgery, in fact I mourned the years it took me to save for it. I love having this tool. It has changed and continues to change my life in ways I never dreamed.

Here a couple of stats!!

HW297 CW216 Presurg sizes 4x and 24-26 Shoe 8.5 Size today XL and 16 shoe 7.5

I would like to thank the people on this site who have been essential to my success, you may not even know it but reading your input keeps me motivated and that is priceless!     

 

9-19-2012
Today was an absolute crappy day! My stress levels have not been this high in a very long time. At one of the heights of my day I found myself at a vending machine looking for nuts (salt and crunch) thank god they had none. I didn't choose Cheetos or cheezits. I left. Needless to say I had some stress eating today. I could not exercise because of a child dilemma that had to be worked out. I have had no time for me this week at all. I really need to find strategies for stress, maybe counseling. PMS not helping either.
I found myself having another highly stressful day earlier this week and came home ready to exercise. Dinner was ready and I decided to eat first. What happened next was astounding. I got through dinner, on plan. At the end I had this euphoric high and my stress was better. This scared the shit out of me. I was not shoveling unplanned just to alleviate the stress but it happened and I was so aware of it. The food took away the stress for the moment. I definitely have a problem and it is so deep it does not even need to be candy, cookies, or junk.....just dinner at the right moment. I don't like this and am realizing I will need help (professional) to manage this aspect. Heavy sigh.

It has been 16 weeks and 2 days since surgery. Today I stepped on the scale and dropped another 1.5 Lbs. Yeah! Must be my losing week. That's how it works for me. lose for a week-stay the same for two. I do make up for it in inches while I'm not losing though.
 
My highest weight was 297 and today I am 229 that's a total of 68 lbs, Wow. I'm impressed with myself. It's very surreal still. My personal goal is to hit 150Lbs and I am 5 lbs away from the halfway mark to that goal.  I hope to be at the 200 mark by January. We will see how it goes. I sttill struggle with confidence in believing that I can do this, but I am. The head takes a while to catch up for sure.
 
My lifestyle and eating habits are feeling more like myself and not that I'm pretending or on some short lived diet. On days I will be out I make sure I have acceptable protein foods in case there are no choices. I have to be sure and eat every few hours or I will forget and feel bad. I have very little hunger signal.

The urge to stress eat is still there and I accept it, recognize it, and try to learn from it. It's still there and  probably always will be, it's been my way to deal with feelings.
 
I have been having so much fun though. Having a smaller body all of a sudden changes the way you move, basically interact with the world. Here is a list a few things that make me smirk;
1. Every time I put on a shirt I have this habit of stretching out my arms sideways to stretch the shirt so it fits. I don't have to do that anymore but it's a habit and I laugh every time it happens. It's also my (old) way to measure if it will fit so I assume nothing will, in my head. Then I'm surprised when it does.
2. I rode a fair ride with my 11 year old and had complete panic that I would not fit. I did. It was so fun for both of us.
3. I can no longer buy something off the rack without trying it on. My body is changing so fast shopping is challenging because I have to pick several sizes and figure out where I fit in. I tried on several pairs of 16 (normal not women's) jeans the other day and they fit. I was surprised but I'm still convinced Levis must have a generous cut because no way could I wear pants in the non plus section.
4. I don't dread physical "things" anymore because I can actually do them. Like-Exercise, gardening, walking up and down stairs, walking to the mailbox, spending the whole day on my feet (like the fair).  

I am feeling so much better and can't imagine what it will feel like to lose another 79 Lbs to get to 150. I know I have been at these weights in the past, because I had to get here, but I cannot remember ever weighing less in my adult life. I am less hung up on how fast I lose, I don't want to add stress because I think that inhibits loss too. I am excited about the future.  

Well I have not checked in for a while. My three month surgurversary has come and gone. I have been sick for about 2 weeks (not related to WLS) and feeling like sh?&. I am just starting to feel better and like I can exercise again. I was really pissed because just as I was getting into the exercise groove I got sick. I did not want to push myself so I decided to feel better first. This week has been particularly hard for me food/temptation wise. I have a neighbor who brings over a stack of Costco bakery items weekly (she participates in a food bank program and I think they are for my oldest son who is a 21 YO with a 2 YO son and has no money). The thought is nice but having that in the house freaks me out. I feel grumpy, tempted, and angry-like a straight up drug addict.
 
Well my youngest son asked for a danish and I kindly offered to serve it to him.....I just wanted to touch and smell the pastry. I made it with a finger lick, but then when I was alone in slipped a cherry danish, uhg. Guilt. Immediate. The entire danish container in the garbage (and no one in the house ever noticed) I went to bed a little sick in a couple of ways.

Woke up and on to a new day. This day started out good. Food planned and packed. then it started to go downhill. It started with an email from the BBB (from a lying friend of a friend who is psycho and wasting my time) then a visit from the state L&I inspector, then a pile of BS mail I didn't want to deal with, then a letter of rent increase from the landlord, dear god I want to quit my job now! but I own the place. I can't. Bummer. At the end of the day my husband's PBJ sandwich was sitting there and all of a sudden 1/2 was in my tummy. Wow. OK enough is enough. I have choices here. Eating for stress never solved my problems before, it still won't.
 
Ah continue the day. I had a hair appointment, nice. Relaxing. A great haircut. My stylist didn't even notice all my hair is falling out, love you Daphne. I was done with enough time to walk the dog and still have time alone before the boys got home. I went home, changed, let the dog out, went to grab the leash.....gone. The leash is not there, pissed. I'm never getting the dog back in the house, more pissed. OK I'm solving problems here. Put the dog in the car, go buy a leash. Walk. OK. In the car headed to the dog store, then the trail. In-out, leash and treats in hand. Driving to the trail, half way I glance back. OMG! The dog just took an enormous piss in my car, holy crap. I want to scream. Mother of god. it smells so bad I'm gagging. Someone does not want me to walk today. I want to eat an entire bag of Cheetos.

Go home. Drop off dog. Smile and realize I cannot change what has happened. Head to carwash. Clean carpet. Roll down windows. Park car back at home. I am determined to exercise. I am so stressed and food does not cure any of it or take it away.  It is dark and a walk is not happening. The trampoline. OK I am actually well under the weight limit now. OK. Down to the back yard I go. Hop on and jump my cares away. It worked. I'm having fun. I feel great. I'm actually getting air under my feet. I'm smiling. After 20 minutes I'm sweaty, out of breathe and cured of stress. I lay down on the trampoline and a bunch of bats are flying by overhead. I love bats and this is a treat.
 
I head back in the house. Eat dinner on plan (Yummy ricotta bake). Read and relax alone and all is well. I am beginning to really realize stress eating makes me feel bad, really, in so many ways. When I am in control of my habits I feel so much better. Eating junk food does not solve any problem. I am recognizing really paying attention to what got me to 300 Lbs. It is self destruction at its best. If I can't destroy the problem, I'll destroy myself. Pure stupidity. I am a smart woman, how have I been OK with this thinking? Ignorance is bliss I always say. In this case ignoring my feelings and inability to control the situation leads to eating euphoria/bliss, If I let it. The trick is to recognize, react, and refrain. There is a better, longer lasting solution. It will pass and I may or may not be able to solve it. Either way I'll be on the other side. Weight loss surgery is so much bigger than eating, It is a life changing brain game, the hardest game of Trivial Pursuit you will ever play. Hopefully in the end the eating and exercise habits will form. The head and emotional healing will be on the downward slope and life will continue with learning and growing, forever. Only smaller and more equipped.    

This process has been very interesting. I am happy to report that I made it to 5AM aerobics twice this week, bravo me. I'm still wearing the same exercise pants that I think must be too small but they still fit. I keep having the same old panic moments when certain jeans and shirts get dryed on accident. In the recent past when a clothing item was dried it would no longer fit, I have dried all my clothes and they still fit, but the panic is still there. All these feelings are still there but the reasons are disappearing faster than the feelings. It is an adjustment, and kind of comical when I catch myself.
I went this week to buy new aerobics shoes and tried on many diferent pairs to find they were all too big. Can you loose weight in your feet? apparently so. I am now a 7-7 1/2 instead of an 8-8 1/2. My feet have grown in the last 20 years from a 6-8 and I associated it with having babies. Well I guess it was fat feet, hilarious. Monday is 11 weeks and I have lost 60lbs from my highest weight. I am going to measure the inches this weekend and I'll post that later. Keep on moving!

I have been trying very hard to exercise in whatever way I can. Walking while son at football. Pushups at work. Recently I have been attending 5:30 am aerobics, yes 5:30am. I have tried this a couple of times in my life but it never felt right. Too early. too tired, whatever excuse.
Last night I bought a pair of exercise capris in size XL without trying them on, usually an unsucessful move. I hesitantly tried them on when I got home. They fit. They were snug and I was sure they looked horrible so I didn't look. 
I attended my 5:30 class this morning and was in the front row........smack in front of the mirror.  I was wearing my new capris and what I saw in the mirror was looking OK. I was not spilling over the top and sides like I thought. I looked good. Athletic.
Early this morning I made it all the way through my Step calss. I was looking good.I was feeling good and "right". I'm recognizing my hard work is paying off. My pants fit. Who was that woman in the mirror? I couldn't stare at myself for too long in a full class, but I wanted to. I'm ready to keep progressing and find out what it feels like to be athletic and a functional body size. I like whats happening and me. Today was a good day.
 

I have been exercising regularly, 2.5 mile walks on the trail with my sooo cute dog. It has been fun everyone wants to stop and pet Mocha (my beloved boxer) and it has gained me some company while walking. Sometimes this is nice but sometimes I want to sweat and breathe hard alone, with my Ipod, feeling in my own world. I have been scoping out the group classes at the YMCA and have decided to try a couple at 5:30am. This is early but I can do it and it will not interfere with my regular family and work schedule and I will still get in enough sleep.It will be a great start to my day and my goals. I will give up my coffee time but that is OK I've been doing that for too long, exercise is a good trade a couple of days a week.

Does this picture remind you of someone moving or running away? Well it is. This is almost my entire wardrobe (for Summer) packed into the back of my car. I am packing it up and running as fast as I can....to the consignment store. The ladies at consignment don't know what they have coming tonight. I have a great selection of really nice clothes I have collected over the years and none fit anymore. I'm a little afraid to buy more because the problem of everything being too big is kind of fun, and I'm a little scared (unreasonably) that if I buy a certain size I will stay there. As I pack these things up a lot of memories went with them and I got a little emotional. I realized I am running away...from my old self; from...my 300lb body; from the emotional weight it carries; from the unhappiness it brings; from the pain and lack of movement; from the belief that I can't. I am also moving, toward....A new me; toward a 150Lb athlete (my personal goal); toward health; toward healthy food relationship; toward confidence. Tonight is my appointment with consignment and I will try to keep it together but I will tell them why I have so many clothes for them...because I am also moving toward being more comfortable sharing this journey and less afraid of the humility of failure.

In Peace and Love-Renee

I have been a little grumpy and feeling like this is not going to work again. In 2.5 weeks I have lost 5 lbs total. I am addicted to the scale. I went to get dinner for my family at terriyaki take out last night and I stood there in a fog trying to decide what to eat. I was feeling like theres no point. I can eat so little why? So I ordered a side salad and had some of my sons chicken. It was good I was satisfied. I am having such a tough time fitting in exercise and am dealing with several painful joint and limb issues, that are heightened with exercise. I still feel pretty tired alot. I want this to be faster and easier than it has been for me so far. I guess 7 weeks is pretty new when I say it out loud.

I'm sick of taking care of everyone, I want to devote my life to taking care of me and thats alot of management too. This will be highly impossible with a preteen at home, and a 20 year old trying to figure out life. Blah. I think I'm just in a funk. I just need to whine a little, get it over with and move on. I am still going to figure out how to balance the care I need with taking care of my family, home, and business.

Now that I've been completely depressing, some great things are that I still feel totally, physically normal and able to eat anythink with out trouble. I have kept my calories between 800-100 daily with 80-100g of that from protien. I have had no sugar or refined carbs. Water and vitamins on track. I have had moderate exercise 3 times a week but not butt busting workouts. Went to senior Zumba...LOL I was not the only non-senior thank goodness, and it was easy. I think I will try regular Zumba soon. Onward and forward.

One Month Check in-

Well two days ago was one month since surgery. It has been a strange few weeks.  I have gone 2 weeks with no weight loss. I have felt very discouraged. I have not swayed from the plan so I know my body will catch up to my mind. I feel very good all in all. I have to keep in mind that in the last 3 months I have DRASTICALLY decreased my calories and taken away my body’s source of nourishment….MY STOMACH! My body is freaking out!

Today is the magic mark that allows me to eat anything, or in reality stick to my wide range of healthy options without texture restrictions. I am still to refrain from coffee and alcohol but secretly I have been having half a cup of coffee a day for about 5 days, I just could not do without it.

I went on a walk around the neighborhood last night with the dog, It was a lot easier to walk up those hills. I really tried to talk myself out of it though. Telling myself to go on the treadmill, stretch in the living room, anything but go outside. Plain stupidity, It was a beautiful night and I forced myself. I was happy I did, my back and head feel so much better today. I really need to understand this aversion I get to exercise in the short time leading up to it, and GET OVER IT!

Some of the NSV (non scale victories) I have experienced since losing 45 Lbs.

1.     I am wearing all of the clothes I have in my closet that have not fit for YEARS, out of style or not.

2.     My stomach is not pushing against the table in the dining booths it used to

3.     I tied my shoes today in a chair bent over-not a couch where I can extend my leg sideways.

4.     I bought a size 16 denim shorts last night and they fit! 1 yr ago I was a size 24 short.

5.     I have had counter stools I bought 5 years ago with iron side arms and I have never sat in them…I fit in them!

6.     Odd but true…My (self diagnosed) facial Rosacea is gone.

7.     My rings keep sliding sideways

Those are the NSVs that come to mind now, there are a few other personal ones that are not blog sharing material, but still feel good about. I am struggling with feeling like I should be doing more though. I need to focus on my accomplishments and be proud, it’s hard to do.

My focus for the next month will be getting protein, having fun, and exercising 4 times a week, even just a walk.