shrinking_sarah

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Stats:

High weight:  265

Surgery weight: 253 (-12 lbs)

Month 1:  232 (-21 lbs)

Month 2: 216.4 (-15.6)

Month 3: 204.6 (-11.8)

Month 4: 191.2 (-13.4)

Month 5: 178.2 (-13)

Total Loss:  86.8 total, 74.8 since VSG

I think I'm still doing pretty well.  I know my dr. would like to see more, but I'm averaging 1/2 lb per day, and I think that's pretty good.  I get pretty wishy-washy when it comes to my actual goal weight.  130 is pretty arbitrary.  I know he'd like to see me well under the "healthy" BMI range, especially so that I have some "bounce back" room.  I'm going to do another body mass analysis test at my gym when I have a chance and see how my muscle mass is doing.

I feel good.  I can shop in regular stores.  I signed up for a 5K in Sept. and am doing Zombie Couch to 5K to train for it.  Part of that is because I'm going back to work this fall and I know I can't be at the gym as much as I have been.  I'm trying to convince myself I enjoy running so I can do that on days I can't make it to a class, haha.

Sorry if I look weird.  We almost forgot to do pictures, and my allergies are bugging me.

Still glad I did it.  It's hard work, but it's worth it.

Putting this here for posterity.

I just got back from a fabulous support group and wanted to share my epiphany with you all in case it helps anyone else.

I met with my surgeon earlier today, and while he is pleased with my progress, it could be better and I am nearing 5 months out with at least 40 lbs left to lose if I want a healthy BMI.  He really wants me to maximize my weight loss NOW so that I don't have to struggle as much to get to goal, and he is concerned that getting to goal will be very difficult for me.

I spent the afternoon processing while I ran errands and attended a school event for my daughter.  I didn't think I'd make it to group, but every time I go I learn something valuable, so I dropped my family off at home and went to group a little late.

I'd been thinking all afternoon about what to do differently to take off as much weight as possible in the next few months.  Basically, I know what I need to do, but struggle because I keep telling myself I need to find balance.  I have to live my life in the real world, sometimes stuff happens, etc.

Tonight at group someone (either Elina or Kairk, maybe both) said something that finally made something click in my brain.

There is no balance during weight loss.

It's great that I want to have my whole family eat the same thing, and that I want my food to taste delicious AND be healthy, or whatever.  But right now, during weight loss, my job is to hit my protein goal and eat vegetables with as few calories as possible.

You know what doesn't help if that is my job?  Balance. 

So, moving forward, I'm ditching the cheese.  Cheese is certainly delicious, and light string cheese is easy, but it is not the leanest source of protein (nor is it carb free).  There are other small things I can tweak here and there to move the calorie and carb count down as far as possible.  Will they result in the most delicious meals?  No.  But I think I have to stop caring for now.

This is not forever.  It is until I get to goal.  Once I am in maintenance I will have the rest of my life to find balance.  Until then, screw it.

I know there are people who will disagree with me, and I certainly think that this would not work for everyone.  If I had more than 40-50 lbs left I'm not sure I could do it.  And I'm sure I'll screw up.  But I need to be hyper-focused until I get where I'm going.  Hopefully, I'll get there in the next 4 months.  I don't think that's an unreasonable goal to set.

And that's what I learned today. :)

Stats:

High weight:  265

Surgery weight: 253 (-12 lbs)

Month 1:  232 (-21 lbs)

Month 2: 216.4 (-15.6)

Month 3: 204.6 (-11.8)

Month 4: 191.2 (-13.4)

Total Loss:  73.8 total, 61.6 since VSG

I know I am not where everyone on my team would like to see me this month, but I am pleased with my progress.  I survived a mom's weekend away and a school fundraiser at Buca di Beppo this month and fine.  If I had to sum up the lessons from this month, it would be that I have to live in the real world and find balance.  As a whole, now that I know I missed the "60 lbs in 3 months" thing, I have to say I've relaxed considerably.  Not in eating/tracking, but in expecting more from my body than it is going to give me.  I do what I do, it does what it does, and we see where we are at the end of the month.

Stats:

High weight:  265

Surgery weight: 253 (-12 lbs)

Month 1:  232 (-21 lbs)

Month 2: 216.4 (-15.6)

Month 3: 204.6 (-11.8)

Total Loss:  60.4 total, 48.4 since VSG

I'm not entirely happy, nor is my surgeon, since they like to see 20 lbs/month for the first 3 months, but it is what it is.  I'm far more active than I was before, my food has been, with the exception of 3 days I've addressed with my therapist, on plan, and I'm working on increasing fluids to 100 oz/day.  I AM happy to be this close to ONEderland.

I just do not understand how my weight loss slowed down so much.  Is it muscle gain?  I work out quite a bit, am upping the intensity, do both cardio and strength training, and seriously, except those days at Andy's parents, my intake and tracking are 100% accurate.  It can't JUST be needing more fluids. 

I FEEL good.  Really good--usually I have high energy and am generally happier (yay endorphins from exercise) and less stressed.  I feel stronger.  But I had visions of being at goal by 6 months, and that seems impossible now.  Even 8 or 10 months doesn't seem possible.  I also have serious doubts that 130 is a realistic goal weight for me.  I think 140 might be better, although for my height 135 is the top of my BMI 'healthy' range. 

Realistically, I am at least 70 lbs from having a healthy BMI.  At this rate, it will take me 7 months (October) to get there.

I suppose there are worse things.  Like still weighing 265. . .

I didn't write this, but I wanted to save it here so I can read it again before I go out of town and think more about how i'm handling food while I'm away.

I had to go to a restaurant when I was less than a week out from surgery because it was my son's birthday and that's our family tradition. I brought a shaker bottle with protein powder and ordered a glass of milk and made a protein shake. I wasn't even embarrassed because it was a medical necessity to be on liquids.

Then came the "party season" with Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas and I was less than 3 months out at Thanksgiving and we drove down to SD to visit relatives one of whom I know thinks WLS is the "easy way out" even if she's too polite to say it and I could barely eat anything. I just dealt with it the best I could. I brought my snacks and I ate what I could of their food and filled in the rest with my snacks and I didn't worry about it too much. Yes, I had some pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving. I knew I would, so I planned for it. IMO to plan not to go off plan in such a situation is to plan to fail.

At the Holiday Party at work, I made a rule for myself: I could have 1 bite of anything that looked good and I could finish what was on my plate if it tasted as good as it looked. Yes, I had a piece of chocolate candy! It was good too. 

And I put it all in MFP (or rather The Daily Plate because I hadn't found MFP yet) and I didn't go over my calorie goals most of these days and some days I didn't even go over my carb goals but some days I did, but every day was a learning experience about what I could and couldn't do and about what I did and didn't like to eat. Yes, my WL was a bit slow in Dec. compared to the other months but mostly that was because I slowed down on the exercise more so than the eating.

Keep in mind, if you are eating less than 1200 calories a day, that's hardly anything. Definitely if you eat less than 800 most days, you are going to lose weight. You are going to lose weight at a tremendously fast clip, in fact. This is true even if you go over once in a while. Eating that little, combined with exercise means you have leeway to screw up once in a while. Not every day and not even one day a week. But a couple of days here and there because you are traveling isn't going to make a big difference in the greater scheme of things. Instead of beating yourself up for "going off plan", I say plan to go off plan but have rules for how you'll do it and then it's not even really "going off plan" because you are still following some rules.

This was on the discussion board for my surgeon, but I thought I'd put it here for posterity.

Victories:  I got a lot of exercise, mostly in the form of hikes and walks, plus a day of walking around Disneyland.  I dined out for the first time since surgery on this trip and was able to do a pretty good job, even at Disney.

Defeats:  My inlaws' house is the HOUSE OF CARBS.  Like, seriously, there are bags of chips, cookies, baked goods, and chocolates EVERYWHERE.  I knew that before we went, of course, but I under-estimated the impact it would have on me.  Then one of her teachers (whose son grew up with my hubby) brought over--and I am not exaggerating 100 home-made eggrolls (they are more like lumpia but she calls them eggrolls) and a tray of cookies on top of what was already there.  I caved and, over 2 days, had 4 eggrolls and 2 cookies.  Felt awful, guilty, physically less well than usual, etc.  I am pretty pissed at myself.  I also did not put them in mfp because I felt awful and didn't want to hear a lecture from Gabriella (other than the one I had playing in my head already, of course).  So that's not great.

Realizations:

1.  I can not stay at my inlaws' house any longer.  I did a lot of thinking about this.  There are carbs at my house and they do not tempt me.  I have about 100 boxes of girl scout cookies right now (anyone want any?) and they do not tempt me.  Andy had creme brulee for dessert while we were in Ojai for the weekend sans kids, and it did not bother me in the least.  What is it, then, about their house that pushes me over the edge?  This is what I came up with:  It is filthy.  I don't mean just cluttered, I mean filthy, and that environment stresses me out.  They got rid of the bed and tv in their guest room and replaced the bed with a futon.  I am not 18.  I need to sleep on a bed.  When the bed/tv was in the guest room I could seek refuge in the relative clean of the room, but with the changes they've made there is no refuge.  So when you combine my increased stress at being in their chaotic, filthy environment with the food everywhere and no sleep plus my lack of transportation on days when Andy had to be in San Diego for work, it was not good.  I told Andy last night that I simply could not stay in their house again, and we'd have to get a hotel in the future.  He seems ok with that.  I hope he realizes he gets to broach the topic with his parents, though.  Another positive of staying in a hotel is that I won't spend my "vacation" cleaning someone else's house, only to have all my work undone by their 4 dogs each night.

2.  Before I stay at another person's home, I need to talk to them about my dietary needs.  If they will let me cook for everyone, great.  If not, I just need to opt out of their meals altogether and eat my own stuff.  I did a lot of that on this trip, but I still felt like I had less control over what went into some of my meals, particularly after watching the video Gabriella posted on FB about how often the calorie counts on restaurant and pre-packaged foods are incorrect.  If I have to just have supplements for a day or two, it's ok.  I'd rather do that than play a constant guessing game.

3.  For now, I need to take my scale with me.  It helps keep me accountable and makes me aware of things like water retention due to increased sodium, etc.  I just felt kind of lost without it.  I should probably discuss my inability to deal with chaos and the unknown with my counselor on Wednesday.

4.  I learned that carbs are seriously slider foods.  I also had my first encounter with "foamies" (no need to repeat that).  Stupidly, that was after eating 3 oz of steak and then having too much broccoli.  I am proud of myself for going for my leftover steak rather than an egg roll or cookie, but I don't know what my deal was with the broccoli overload.  I think I was just happy to be eating a vegetable.

5.  I notice that I feel "obligated" to eat an entire portion of protein (whatever I thought I'd put into mfp).  I need to stop that and just eat until my first burp, even if I still have protein on my plate to eat, even if I'm eating less than 2 oz.  I probably need to start eating 4 protein meals a day to get all my protein in, even with shakes, so that I don't feel like I "have" to finish the chicken to get my protein. (That was Gabriella's suggestion, anyhow.)

So, that's how it went.  Honestly, if I could do it again I'd have just stayed at home.  Unfortunately, we have another trip south in June, and my MIL wants me to come do some technology staff development with her teachers before they scatter for summer break, so I'll have to deal with that.  My plan, though, will be hotel with at least a mini-fridge and prepping my own meals there.  And I now feel prepared to eat out, I just worry about added sodium and hidden carbs.

Posted on the main board; decided to put it here for posterity.

My energy returned on Monday.  If you'd asked me if I was having low energy, I'd have said no, but let me tell you I was wrong, because I have SO MUCH MORE energy than even before the VSG now. 

This has been and continues to be an amazing process.  I have learned so much about my relationship with food, nutrition, and what a slacker I was even if I did exercise pre-op. 

I am also surprised by how positive all my friends and family have been so far.  I am exercising with my skinny friends (who I know have to slow down for me, but they don't complain), and they are generally supportive.  I may encounter a negative reaction at some point (I'm sure I will), but I don't care.

I am so glad I did this.  It is seriously the most empowering thing I have ever done.  For the first time EVER, I am confident in my ability to lose the weight and create a strong and healthy body, permanently.  Yes, I'll have to work for it, but I actually know I can do it.  I thought having WLS meant I was "giving up" on losing weight, but in reality, it was me taking control of the problem.  It's amazing.  Today, I am down 40.4 lbs.  The most weight I had ever lost in the past in one shot was 40 lbs.  This is just the beginning!

I know a lot of people think that if I could just exercise and diet and lose weight, I didn't really need WLS.  To those people, I say, "not if you are morbidly obese."  The VSG has removed physical hunger from the equation (for now), so that I can redefine my relationship with food.  When my nerve endings grow back and I feel hunger again, I'll be able to make better decisions.  There is no way I'd have made it through my stall a couple weeks ago without the VSG. 

Today my six-year-old asked me if I HAD to have my operation.  I told her yes, if I wanted to be a healthy weight, and that getting to a healthy weight would probably add 10 years to my life.  "TEN YEARS?!" she yelled.  "THAT'S a LOT!!"  I also told her that I could have stayed unhealthy and not have the operation, but that wasn't what I chose to do, and that I did a lot of thinking and research before making my decision.  Then I threw in that the best idea was to stay at a healthy weight so you don't need surgery.  I hope I can prevent my children from having my same battles with food.

If you are on the fence, I encourage you to do your research and make the decision that is right for you.  This is not easy, but it absolutely was the right thing for me.  I also encourage you to confront your own feelings about wls and people who have it before telling others.  When you've made peace with your decision and have reframed it as taking control, you care less about what others think.

So my gym offered a special on this and I had it done about 1 month post-op.  I want to record the results here so I can compare later.  I know this may not be the most accurate way of testing, but I figure if I do it again using this same method at least the comparison might be accurate.

Lean Body Mass:  111.2 (water 81.9 plus dry lean mass 29.3)

Body Fat Mass:  122.3

Skeletal Muscle Mass:  61.5

Percentage Body Fat: 52.4

Body Fat:  89.1 (suggested loss)

BMR:  1459 kcal

So if I use my suggested body fat loss, my actual "goal" weight would be more like 144.4 instead of 130, but I assume as I get smaller I will lose some of that lean body mass as well.  I hope I keep most of it, because I want to keep my muscles, but I think that, particularly my legs won't need to be quite so strong if I weigh less. 

Weird thing:  the "segmental lean analysis" showed that my muscle mass in my trunk was normal, in my arms was over, and in my legs was under.  I find this odd since I have pretty much no upper body strength but I feel like my legs are pretty strong.  Something to keep in mind as I add resistance training/weights back in when I hit 6 weeks out.

I'm excited to do this again the next time it's offered and see how my body has changed!

I'm actually amazed at how good I feel.  Don't get me wrong--my stomach is sore (feels like I did a bunch of sit ups), and I'm sip sip sipping all day long, but considering that 85% or so of my stomach was removed, I feel pretty darned good.  And according to the scale this morning, I have shed the water weight from the hospital and am now boarding the train to loserville. :)

This post is mainly for pre-ops.  Here's my experience:  Went to the hospital, got prepped, got an IV, waited waited waited waited.  Had a HUGE headache b/c I had been on a liquid diet for nearly 3 days and had no liquids after around 10 p.m. the day before surgery.  My dr. ordered iv tylenol and some fluids.  The fluids got placed but as soon as that happened they came to take me downstairs.

Once downstairs I answered the same questions a lot, talked to the anesthesiologist, nurse, and my surgeon's PA.  Then my surgeon came in, found out I never got tylenol and blew a gasket at the nurse (felt kind of bad for her, but hooray my dr. expects a lot from his team).  Walked into the OR, got settled, had on an oxygen mask.  The last thing I remember is saying to the anesthesiologist, "It's normal to think I'm doing something insane, right?"  She laughed and said yes, and then I woke up in the recovery room with the dryest mouth EVER.

I was woozy, but not really in pain.  My shoulder blade/back kind of hurt (I have a hard time staying in one position too long, so I think it was that and not gas).  My headache was gone, at least. :)  They took me upstairs, got me situated, let me use the restroom, and then I mostly tried to sleep despite the nurses taking vitals, adding stuff to my iv, etc. after that (it was around 9 p.m. by the time I was in recovery). 

Saturday I spent a lot of time walking, going to the bathroom, etc.  I did my best to drink the protien shakes. I found I liked the broth best.  FINALLY Saturday afternoon I managed to pass gas.  Who knew that would be so exciting?  My surgeon came in around 4, talked to me for a bit, and said I could go home.  Around 2 hours later I was on my way home with my hubby and kiddos.

The first night I took the pain stuff the surgeon prescribed.  It knocked me out!  I woke up around 4 and took some nausea meds and about half a dose of the pain stuff and went back to sleep. 

Since then I've tried just using regular tylenol (I break the capsule in half and take half at a time) for pain, b/c I can't sleep all day if I need to be walking and drinking.

My family and I took a walk around our block yesterday.  Today we are headed to a "noon year's eve" party for the kids.  I will take my pineapple orange protein drink and just sip the whole time.

Weird stuff:  while some real food still looks good, I have no desire to eat it.  Also, the vitamins are a freaking meal in themselves.  I got in everything except the 3rd calcium tablet yesterday.  Those things are enormous!

And that's the story in case anyone is close to their date and wondering.  Obviously we all have different experiences, but this was mine.  Best wishes to you all--I hope to be posting before/after pics soon!

After that last entry, I spent some time with the dietary requirements post-op and decided that the most important thing for ME (you may be different) to change about how I eat is to cut out the carbs.  So I started focusing on that.  I didn't worry about not having carrots or sweet potatoes or beans, I didn't worry about fat or calories or anything except carbs.

And it is working.  I've lost 7.9 lbs or something like that (scale accuracy in question) since I started the pre-op diet, and 1 of those were a total waste because of the Thanksgiving fall off the carb wagon. 

It was hard, especially at first.  Breakfast is the trickiest for me.  On weekends it's fine, I actually like eggs, and it's really easy to do them if we go out for breakfast.  But during the week I usually end up having coffee for breakfast (not good).  I FINALLY went to Costco yesterday and got some protien shakes.  They are ok, so that will be my weekday breakfast from now on.

I meet with the nutritionist again tomorrow, and after that I should be able to submit all my forms and then I'll just be waiting for insurance approval.  This is getting pretty real.

:) :) :)