I'm back (again!)

Jun 03, 2010

Just a quick blurb if anyone is interested.

I have gained. 25lbs of fat on my body.

I am now 275 lbs after having gotten to a low of 249ish. The scale bounced a lot at the end of my loosing stretch. I swear this miracle shut off at the six month mark!

I have hunger, I have cravings. I can eat more than I want to be able to eat. My exercise tolerance is back to being so low. I would have to say I feel like a pre-op. That hurts me, makes me feel like a failure. Add on to the fact that my older sister is getting her RNY this Monday, and I feel even worse!

Yes, I am happy for her as she really needs it. But I can't help but feel sad that her loosing journey is beginning and I am at a standstill.

So, I have had to do some thinking. I am going to attend a food addicts meeting. No, not Over-eaters Anon. They are a wonderful organization-but not for me. I think I need one on one and group therapy. No surgery is every going to take away the reasons I eat.

Also, I have all but gone back to pre-op eating lifestyle. I so wish I had restriction back so that I let go of some of the control and let my tool have a bigger responsibility. But that isn't going to happen anytime soon, so I am trying a different option.

While I am in school--I should be graduating in about 6 months!--I am living with family who eat "normally"--the way I did pre-op and have kinda fallen back into. Ya know, lots of pizza, carbs, desserts, hamburgers, hot dogs...all washed down with a diet Pepsi! lol

Being broke (who isn't) and trying to make the food budget stretch is difficult. Thankfully the sleeve is still good at limiting the capacity of fruits and veggies so I can buy smaller amounts which is awesome and cheaper. I am not at a loss for variety...just in the "convenience food" groove.

After some trials, it became apparent that I couldn't "diet" and still do the shopping and cooking for the normal eater in the house. I had to find a happy medium--but cheaply :)

So, I dug out all the old stuff and re-started Weight Watchers on my own. I cannot afford 13$ a week--that's gas money! So I am doing it on my own with fairly good results in just the last few days. I keep a food journal and really think a food through before eating it. For example, I was at the grocery store today for a few things, and I had gotten into the habit of getting a donut whenever I shop. I passed the case and thought, "I bet that's like 9 points! I am way too hungry to waste it on that!"

Yeah, I reaalllly wanted it...but I really want to fit back into my size 20s again dammit! It is so frustrating to have all these pretty clothes that I am once again too fat for!

I am trying to take this one day at a time and do the best I can. I have determined that I can have 34 points a day and its been pretty easy to make meals from this limit. We had already switched to Light versions of most things, so that was a plus.

And all of this is what brings me back to OH. I need to be accountable. I need to have the support of others who know what I am going through. I am sorry that I ever stopped posting, but shame and anger at myself for this "failure" made me abandon what had been such a wonderful experience here.

I thank everyone who took the time to read this--especially since it certainly wasn't the quick blurb I thought it would be.

Jess :)

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