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(Warning, strong language ahead)

This has got to be one of the worst weeks of my life in a very, very long time.

Firstly...that great new job I have....yeah, its gone. I worked for seven months at learning how to effectively write grant proposals for fire departments. I was able to work at home and I eventually was getting paid. Then, without warning, the day before the grant closed....I was told I was unreliable and a liar...and asked to leave. These two women who were my employers will now be known as Bitch A and Bitch B.

This was supposed to be a career, not just another job. (I also moved 2 hours from home to pursue this opportunity)Lesson to be learned here: get shit in writing AND work for professionals, not two bitches who make up their own rules as they go. I was told (verbal contract) that I would be paid certain amounts for the writing process and certain amounts should the grants be awarded. However, if I left, I would forfeit the award monies. Funny how I get asked to leave right before the end, literally 30 hrs before. I was in shock.

I was reliable enough to write over 60 proposals...1/3 of the total mind you...but not reliable enough to stay on board. WTF??? I am not completely innocent, I know that. I took advantage of the fact that I could set my own hours and come and go as I pleased. I was able to take the day off here and there to go to doctor appts. and fit in other projects. But a liar???? FUCK YOU.

And then, they went on to lecture me for almost 20 minutes about how important they are and how unreliable I am. Did I mention that when we worked all in one place, I had to deal with Bitch B's 2 year old brat running around the office, fucking with my computer (the one I brought from home!) and generally being a pain in the ass??? Bitch A thought it was cute because they are all related. I put up with it because we were in a private home office setting and what else could I do?

So you can probably guess that they are going to try and screw me out of a considerable amount of money (depends on how many are funded and the pre-determined amounts, but could number in the thousands when all said and done). However, let me reiterate that it was said "if I left" I wouldn't get any money if anything I worked on was approved. It was never said "if I was told to leave".

Bitch A then said politely, if I were to get my shit together I could come back for next year. Excuse me??? Why, so you can fuck me over again? Do I look that stupid? Bitches A and B can go fuck themselves.

I will be able to find out what was funded as I kept detailed records for myself. Its a waiting game though, as I have to wait months to find this all out. I will be able to total it all up and I will send Bitch A a nice invoice for it all. She probably won't pay up, but I am going to try.

I have moved from the numb/upset stage to aggravation. I don't want retaliation or to "get even'....I just want to heal and find a great real job. Karma's a bitch and what comes around will truly go around. Someone stronger than me will call bullshit on them eventually. In the meantime, I need a job that will lead to a career and health insurance. And this leads to the other reason....

I now weigh 295 lbs. I have gained back damn near every pound I lost. I feel like a big fat failure and just want to stick my head in the oven. Good thing my oven is electric, huh?

I am getting ready to pack and move home this week. Thankfully, I had a short term lease and brought very few items. I can take most everything back in my car. I think I finally understand what adding insult to injury truly means.

I keep telling myself that this too, shall pass and that when a door closes, a window opens. Its just kinda hard to see the positives right now. I guess this is just one of those things that requires time to pass so I can feel better.


If anyone reads this, sorry for the swearing and thanks for listening.

I have spent so much time online the last week researching NSAIDs after RNY and the dangers of them. I also have researched the DS as the second step to see what the outcomes look like.

I am surprised to see a common theme popping up: those who stopped loosing/gained with just the sleeve and then revised to the full DS have not had promising results or significant weight loss. This is not a good thing! I need the weight off now.

Also, the NSAID issue-there are suppositories available for naproxen so I have an option. But my current treatments for my arthritis seem to be working, so that whole issue may be a moot point.

There is a certain person here who is truly annoying me. She seems to fancy herself as the end all be all informative source, but she comes off as a condescending know-it-all. I am thinking of blocking her comments because she really brings nothing to the conversation except to belittle my opinions and cluck her tongue at my wanting to "butcher" myself with an RNY.

On a positive note, I have a few job interviews for this coming week. I am only interviewing for positions that offer health insurance. I am self-employed/contracted as a grant writer, but that money comes in waaaay after the work is done. So, technically I am employed, but not making any real money. Therefore, I have a slight margin of pickyness when it comes to a second job. Frankly, as long as they aren't physically demanding (long hours on my feet) and I don't need a xanax to get through the day because of stress AND they give me good benefits, then I am taking the job offered!!

I go to my first seminar since making the decision for revision (hehe, I rhymed!) this coming Saturday. I'll probably update after that. I hope to have lots of good news!

I cannot lose anymore weight-in fact, I just keep gaining. I have barely any restriction and I feel hungry all the time. I am a statistic-one of the few who must undergo the second step of the DS after getting just the sleeve. I may only be able to do an RNY...it all depends on what is available to me.

There are good things going on with me. I am 2 classes (7 credit hours) away from my Bachelor's degree. I have a great career starting up and I am beginning to feel like a real and true "grown up"...at the tender age of 37! LOL

I just started on Humira to try and clear up my Psoriasis. So far, so good. I am also branching out and building a community for myself. I recently joined a Unitarian Universalist church and its youth organization. They let me in even though I am 2 years older than the age range (18-35). I am Jewish, but I enjoy the UU teachings of all paths and the messages. Its great to have a place to feel spiritual in.

On the sadder notes, I-of course-have gained back damn near everything I lost. I am back in a size 26W. I had gotten down to a 20W. I am winded after routine tasks and don't have any energy to get past daily tasks. Now, understand that I also have a very bad case of Psoriatic Arthritis. This all by itself causes severe fatigue, pain, and a host of other symptoms. Add in my fatness and you have the recipe for a girl who does only what she absolutely had to to make it through the day.

I am also very lonely for the dating scene. I have lots of friends-guys and girls. But I am so self conscious about my size and the coverage area of my psoriasis that I have all but shut down my libido on purpose. I am not happy with myself so how can I expect someone else to be happy with me? Short answer-I can't.

Therefore, I have decided that revision is now a definite for me. I have posted a few blurbs on both the revision and DS boards to feel out which way to go. Not surprisingly, DS people were adamant that I go that route. I understand their reasoning, but I feel they don't understand mine. I need help now...not down the line "sometime" when I can get through all the hoops begging for a surgery that is not as routine as RNY. I already went rogue and got surgery in Mexico. I am ready for the standard treatment.

I believe that a major reason I failed is because of the lack of ancillary support that I skipped by going to Dr. Alvarez. I would recommend him to anyone, but for me, I needed the additional support. I need to see a nutritionist, psychologist and have support groups available to me. When I had my surgery, I spent more time defending it than actually learning how to work it.

Now that I have seen my sister go through an RNY at the Cleveland Clinic, I see everything I missed out on. She has regular follow ups and a host of other ancillary services at her disposal. She is also nearly 200lbs lighter. I can't help it, I am jealous while happy for her.

Now, with all that be said, I have one large obstacle in my way. I have no insurance or money in which to self pay. My career is as a contracted employee. Its a great field to get into, but I am responsible for my own health insurance. I recently tested the waters to see if I was self insurable. That was a big fat NO.

I spoke with my employer and she recommended I take a 2nd job that could offer me insurance. I am lucky that I can telecommute with her, so a 2nd job wouldn't be too much of a strain on my schedule. That leads me to later this week as I have a job interview with a company that gives you insurance the first of the month following your hire date. Based on this, and the fact that they are known to hire almost everyone who applies (yeah, big turnover), I have already set up an informative seminar for August 6th at the Clinic and filled out their on-line survey. I am so ready to get this going.

If you asked me, I would love to have this done over December break. I will have graduated, my first job will be on a seasonal hiatus and I could just relax and recover. Of course, this is all just speculation and hope.

But, the simple fact is that I am now officially and actively pursuing a revision surgery. I am once again in square one and ready to make this life saving journey.

Thanks for listening.
Jessica :)

Yep...I have a cold. It sucks.

I was just diagnosed with sleep apnea as well.  Over the last year or so I have had a hard time staying awake. Its a long story, but the end result is I need a CPAP. Working on that, but in the mean time I have to keep on keeping on.

I am really tyring to get control of this weight regain. I have been up as high as 282. It sickens me and makes me feel like a huge failure. The doctor did tell me that some...only some...of the extra weight is related to the sleep apnea. At least I know its not all my fault.

Not much to say otherwise, I just wanted to be clear that I am still around...still trying to get healthy. I am graduating this coming May and planning on grad school. I really want a good job  so I can get healthcare because I am considering revision to the RNY.

I am outta here to go to sleep. NyQuil is calling

Just a quick blurb if anyone is interested.

I have gained. 25lbs of fat on my body.

I am now 275 lbs after having gotten to a low of 249ish. The scale bounced a lot at the end of my loosing stretch. I swear this miracle shut off at the six month mark!

I have hunger, I have cravings. I can eat more than I want to be able to eat. My exercise tolerance is back to being so low. I would have to say I feel like a pre-op. That hurts me, makes me feel like a failure. Add on to the fact that my older sister is getting her RNY this Monday, and I feel even worse!

Yes, I am happy for her as she really needs it. But I can't help but feel sad that her loosing journey is beginning and I am at a standstill.

So, I have had to do some thinking. I am going to attend a food addicts meeting. No, not Over-eaters Anon. They are a wonderful organization-but not for me. I think I need one on one and group therapy. No surgery is every going to take away the reasons I eat.

Also, I have all but gone back to pre-op eating lifestyle. I so wish I had restriction back so that I let go of some of the control and let my tool have a bigger responsibility. But that isn't going to happen anytime soon, so I am trying a different option.

While I am in school--I should be graduating in about 6 months!--I am living with family who eat "normally"--the way I did pre-op and have kinda fallen back into. Ya know, lots of pizza, carbs, desserts, hamburgers, hot dogs...all washed down with a diet Pepsi! lol

Being broke (who isn't) and trying to make the food budget stretch is difficult. Thankfully the sleeve is still good at limiting the capacity of fruits and veggies so I can buy smaller amounts which is awesome and cheaper. I am not at a loss for variety...just in the "convenience food" groove.

After some trials, it became apparent that I couldn't "diet" and still do the shopping and cooking for the normal eater in the house. I had to find a happy medium--but cheaply :)

So, I dug out all the old stuff and re-started Weight Watchers on my own. I cannot afford 13$ a week--that's gas money! So I am doing it on my own with fairly good results in just the last few days. I keep a food journal and really think a food through before eating it. For example, I was at the grocery store today for a few things, and I had gotten into the habit of getting a donut whenever I shop. I passed the case and thought, "I bet that's like 9 points! I am way too hungry to waste it on that!"

Yeah, I reaalllly wanted it...but I really want to fit back into my size 20s again dammit! It is so frustrating to have all these pretty clothes that I am once again too fat for!

I am trying to take this one day at a time and do the best I can. I have determined that I can have 34 points a day and its been pretty easy to make meals from this limit. We had already switched to Light versions of most things, so that was a plus.

And all of this is what brings me back to OH. I need to be accountable. I need to have the support of others who know what I am going through. I am sorry that I ever stopped posting, but shame and anger at myself for this "failure" made me abandon what had been such a wonderful experience here.

I thank everyone who took the time to read this--especially since it certainly wasn't the quick blurb I thought it would be.

Jess :)

This is a cross post in both my profile blog and on the message board. I welcome all comments as I need all the support I can get.   I am guilty. Yep, I though having VSG was the key to thinness. Not so, I have found out. It’s only a tool…a stepping stone that is the actual easiest part. Knowing this and accepting this are two very different things for me. The hard part of this has been undoing 30 plus years of food abuse and admitting that I am not a WLS poster child.   The charts say I am a success. I needed to loose 160lbs to be a BMI of 29. I have achieved half of that. 50% loss of excess weight is successful WLS. But in my heart and mind, I am a failure. I continue to shove the pain and boredom down with my food addiction. I have all but ignored the sleeve rules and feel as though I have never had any surgery.   It has been almost 11 months with no measurable weight loss. In fact, as of today, I have gained back 8lbs. I feel like crying, but no tears are there because I don’t want to spend anymore time crying and feeling sorry for myself. During this time, I have dropped 2 pants sizes. That must mean something positive is still happening. And forgive me, but I can’t fathom that I am the only one here that is struggling with their sleeve the way I am. I haven’t posted in ions because of how I feel.   I feel confident that there are lurkers who are struggling like I am and are too ashamed to post about it. Please, PM me and perhaps we can get ourselves righted together.   Earlier today I was watching a commercial for the Biggest Looser and it inspired me to go back to the beginning of this journey. These brave people eat right, exercise and do not have the benefit of any WLS (that I am aware of, at least) and have great success with their programs. Well, it just stands to reason then; if I apply the basics I will pick up where I left off and get to goal by October (my 2 year surgiversary).   I went to a seminar with my older sister who is getting ready to begin her WLS journey. The doctor there assured me I hadn’t stretched out my sleeve and that I was a success by the 50% mark of excess weight lost. Also, he said that in the grand scheme of things the VSG is slower d/t only being restrictive and not having malabsorbtion and that by 2 years out I would know if I needed the second step or not. They had some people talk about the “honeymoon phase” and how easy it can be to backslide and find yourself in the boat I am in. We have to start back at the beginning, because it’s a very good place to start. 
  Honestly, if I could crack 175…which is 145 lbs total loss and just shy of my goal, then I would consider myself at a reasonable goal and then explore plastics. I just can’t wrap my mind around the amount of money I spent vs. the weight loss. It makes my heart and soul sad to feel like I have failed at yet another attempt.   But that’s why I am posting this completely honest blog. I need the genuine support here to get back to basics.   This Tuesday, I will begin the 5 day pouch test. I have everything bought and several tasty recipes for protein shakes. I can do this. I have this awesome tool that is just begging to be utilized. I know that it’ll take some hard work and dedication, but in the words of the President Elect Obama, “Yes we (I) can!)   Thank you for all the support and letting me get this off my chest

A whole year has passed. Am I happy I did this??? Yes. Very much so.

I had a lot of buyer's remorse initially. My hunger and my stomach size clashed and I was pissed a lot of the time. But as I added in foods that that were not so good for me, but okay in moderation, I felt better.

Deprivation has always been a problem for me. If I deny myslef something, I end up gorging on it anyways. Learning to eat again has been a challenge. Lately, I haven't been doing so well with it.

My weight loss has all but stopped for the last few months. Its nerve racking to say the least. I try and concentrate on the positives, but dammit I want that scale to move!

I am in a size 20WP pants. I can wear a 22, but I need a belt. My tops and bra sizes have stayed consistent. I lost a shoe size and width as well. I was a 10W--now I wear a 9 regular. I have a lot of clothes and shoes headed to the thrift store. :)

I can eat more than I wish I could. I mean, today I craved salt (AF on the way) so I had two soft pretzels. I ate 1 1/2 of them. The fact they are bread and carbs doesn't escape me. But if only 1 would have filled me up! I guess I am back to wishing instead of doing.

The sleeve is a great tool. If I work it, then I do well. I have lost my way and so desperately need to get back on track. Although, I have lost half of my excess weight--so my surgery is considered a success. I guess that is good.

I know things will pick up. Its just a fact that if I eat right and exercise I will loose weight. I am just impatient and lazy. I admit it. I am also in counseling to deal with why I overeat in the first place. So, I guess I am a work in progress.

I just get so darn frustrated when I see people who were about my size at goal before even a year has passed!!! I know I compare myself to others way too much. But it just depresses me so much. I feel like a failure. And then I eat to make myself feel better. Its a nasty cycle that surgery didn't cure. I knew that it wouldn't, but I hoped it would make it easier--and in ways it has.

So anyways, I just wanted to post an update. I will make goal eventually. I know what to do, how to do it and what I have to loose/gain in the end. Sometimes I just need to get it off my chest and move forward. That's why I love it here so much. Only the people on this board understand what I am going thru. So thanks guys. I appreciate it more than I can ever express.

Tomorrow will be my 10 month surgiversary. I have been reluctant to post here as of late, not becuase anyone is being mean to me, but mainly because I feel like I have failed.

I have been stuck at approx. 245lbs since February. I go up and down a few lbs. every week or two. I have lost about 80 lbs but that total seems to be less of an accomplishment with each passing month. 10,500 was a lot to spend on a half-assed weight loss attempt.

True, I feel pretty good and am off most of my physical meds, but somedays I honestly feel like I have never had surgery. That in itself is depressing. Now, if a newbie is reading this, please note that I have extreme depression and OCD. I am also a compulsive overeater. Those are all up in the head where surgery was not performed.

I am under new care for my mental health and hope that I will get good results from that. I also admit that I have all but given up on following the lfestyle plan and have gone back to old habits. I know that with this tool, its sooooo easy to pick yourself up and get back on track. I have done that a few times with success. But lately, and I am sure this is my depression talking, I just have no willpower left to succeed with my tool.

I tried a WLS support group one time. I wanted to talk about challenges and find someone who was struggling like I was. No such luck. I am in a new area now, so I will give it another try. It just stinks right now b/c I feel so alone with this.

I feel like I can eat way more than I am supposed to as well. I can eat about 4 oz. of meat and another 1-2 oz of veggies or starch to feel comfortably full. I fear I have stretched out my tummy. I don't know, I think I am just babbling right now.

I have had a few NSV the last months. The biggest one means a lot to me. I have a ring of my mom's that she got from my dad as a wedding gift. Its white gold with five tiny diamonds. Ironically, they went on to have 5 kids, three of whom (myself included) were born in April and have diamonds as birth stones. Anyways, I always loved that ring and got it after my mom passed away. Its a size 7.5. I wore a 10 on my ring finger until recently. And yep, you guessed it...my mom's ring fit me. It felt so good to keep her that close to me.

As for other things, some clothes are looser on me. I get compliments left and right and I have pretty good endurance for walking and activities. But overall, I just am not "doing the program" and feel like I have failed.

So, I guess the moral to the story is that I still haven't conquered my inner deamons-no matter how tiny the tummy is.

By spilling my guts here (pun intended!), I hope that others will come forward and share that they too have had trouble with this. It gets depressing to see people doing so perfectly (or at least it seems perfect on the outside) that I just don't even want to join in because it drives my personal failures even closer to the surface.

Please know that I don't begrudge anyone their accomplishments, I just wish I was there with you. I am at a loss as to how to take control back. It seems so easy to say how to do it, but to acutally get there is a whole other thing.

Well, I am done with this mini rant of an update on myself. I have many things to look forward to in the next few weeks. I will be in new counseling, hopefully on proper meds and starting back up to school which will put an end to my grazing as I won't be at home all day to do so.

Thanks for letting me get this all out. I take any and all advice, after all, who else knows what challenges I face? Only the folks here!

Thanks
Jess

That's where I am currently residing. And really, its not that bad of a place to be.

Firstly, I am in between my 8 and 9 month anniversaries. Next, I am in between sizes. That's a bit more frustrating, but I go with the lower sizes b/c I know eventually they will fit.

So here I am now wearing:

Pants: Size 22WP (but I can squeeze into a 20,..its just not a pretty sight!)
Tops: Size 24/26.  They are a bit snug, but the 26/28's are way too big. I have a few 22/24's, but those are just waiting to be worn.

Undies: Size 9 is what I am wearing, but an 8 is starting to become comfie enough to wear in public w/o worring they will roll down my butt while I walk!

Bras: I am happy to report that the twins don't seem to be shrinking much as of late. I am happilly in a DD, while the band size is in between a 44 and a 42. You guessed it...44 is too loose and 42 is too snug...
I haven't noticed any more saggyness, so I am hopefull I won't be too bad in the end. I'm still gonna get a boob lift, but I don't want implants, so this is good news that they are keeping some of their natural mass!

But, most importantly...I am in between in the goal markers! I wanted to loose 160 lbs to get to a weight of 160lbs. That would give me a BMI just under 30. Anything after not being labled "obese" is all bonus.

The last few weeks have been rough on me. My plans changed and I moved to a different apartment as opposed to moving home. During the packing and moving phase, I ate a pretty steady diet of crap. So, I didn't stall out, but the scale bumped between the same 7 lbs for the last 3 weeks. Then I got all bloated with my period. So, today I weighed myself and saw that I have returned to my last lowest weight of 242lbs. I am stoked! (Is it just me, or have you girls noticed that you can now feel bloated when you get your period? Before, I never noticed it. Another weird NSV, I guess!)

I am finally settled in and getting back to cooking for myself. Its like retraing my tool all over again. I fell back into the nasty habit of drinking and eating together. That and loads of carbs and diet soda. I am thankful that I haven't done too much damage. So, once again this year, I am proclaiming that I am taking back control of my sleeve! (for like the third time!) But anyways, I am doing ok with realizing that I can utilize this tool and if I fall down, it is quite easy to pick myself back up and get with the program. The Sleeve is awesome for this reason if not the many other reasons!

So I am pleased to say I am half way to goal. I did it in 8 1/2 months. I don't think 16 months is too shabby to get to goal, so I think I am right on track.  

Hmmm...wonder if that means when its said and done I will wear about a size 10/11? Can't wait to find out!!!

Thans for all the support and listening to me!

So I have been a looser again...this time two weeks ina row. I amso relieved. I have now lost 76lbs. Can you believe it??? I can't. I am really starting to be fully in love with my VSG. I know it was my body (mostly) and not my actions (ok, a little) that was holding up the weight loss. It feels so good to be seeing a change in numbers. 

I see the changes in pictures and clothes, but the scale is the ultimate. I have now hit the weight I was before I met my ex husband. That's a thrill to me. I feel like I look good enough again to attract a guy. Hmmm...maybe its time to go clubbing? 

Okay...I am outtie. Gotta go start writing a paper for school.