11 Ways for Learning to Say No

August 10, 2015

Recently, I was at a store and the overhead music was blasted over by a child about two years old screaming as loud as he could "no, no, no" repeatedly for about a minute. There were lots of no's in that 60 seconds.

Learning to say "no" sounds simple. It was simple when we were young children. For many people, saying "no" is easy. For others, saying "no" is emotionally charged and difficult. When we have weight loss surgery, have lost weight and gained more confidence, saying "no" can cause internal conflict. However, years of being obese....a people-pleaser, being the doormat in a relationship with little to no personal boundaries, can cause guilt, fear and a tug-of-war within ourselves.  We want to advocate for ourselves and say "no" when we choose.  Learning to say "no" is a process that you can learn, practice and make a healthy habit.

11 Tips to Say No

  1. Become aware.  Pay attention to the times that you said "yes" but wanted to say "no".  As a suggestion, you could post about it on the Discussion Board so members can support you.
  2. Give yourself time.  Instead of going on auto-pilot to say yes, use responses such as "Let me check if I can do it" - "I'll get back to you".  By using these types of replies, it allows you a chance to consider if you have the time or even want to do the request.
  3. Assert yourself.  You are entitled to say "no" just like the person that made the request to you.  Remember, you aren't rejecting or dismissing the person, just their request.
  4. Make it short.  When saying "no" don't go into an explanation or a long justification of why you are saying "no."  Be brief in your reply such as "No, I can't" is an adequate response.
  5. No explanations necessary.  If the person asks for an explanation, you don't have to justify or give reasons for your "no" reply.  Be prepared so you aren't caught off guard. You can reply with "I can't do it right now" or a similar non-descript response.  Don't feel badly or give in.  No justifications for your reply are necessary.
  6. Break the request into pieces.  If you would like to do part of what is requested but not all of it, say so.  For example, if you've been asked to be in charge of a fundraiser at your child's school, let the person know that you can get donations for prizes, but aren't able to be in charge of the entire fundraiser.  With this compromise, you've said yes to the portion you can and want to do yet said no to taking on the entire event.
  7. Reduce your stress.  Saying "yes" when we really want to say "no" causes stress.  Some of the stress is caused by being frustrated that we took on something that we didn't want to.  On top of that frustration, we've also added another demand of our time.  When you are able to say "no," you will dramatically reduce your stress.
  8. Honor your priorities.  Everyone is given the same 24 hours and it is up to us how we spend that time.  For requests that you do not want to do, you are taking away time from your priorities and things that you want to do.  If family time and activities are a priority, the way you spend your time should reflect those priorities, not the obligations you've taken on just because you didn't want to say "no".
  9. Leave no wiggle-room.  If you're wishy-washy in your reply, you leave it open for the other person to think that you might do it.  If you make responses, such as "I'm not sure" or "I don't think so," leaves wiggle-room.  If you mean "no" - then firmly say "no" to allow the person the opportunity to ask someone else. You you will have just created a healthy boundary for yourself.
  10. No guilt or intimidation accepted.  If you're someone that usually says "yes" to everything, it will be a bit more difficult to change course and say "no."  Some people may unintentionally (or intentionally) push you, and pull out guilt and intimidation, in an attempt to get you to accept their request. Don't!  Don't allow your personal boundaries to be violated.  No means no.
  11. Stay true to you!  As special as each of us are, the success or failure of something doesn't rest on you completely.  Each time we allow our personal boundaries to be stomped on, fall into people-pleasing or say "yes" when we want to say "no" tears down our self-esteem and self-worth.  When we put someone else or a cause ahead of ourselves and our own priorities, we think a little less of ourselves.  Stay true to you and learn to say "no" and say "yes" to yourself.

 

If you're used to saying "yes" most of the time, you will probably feel awkward and uncomfortable saying "no" at first.  You may feel like a bad friend, or like you're letting someone down and not living up to expectations. Maybe you'll imagine that you'll be seen or talked about in a negative light.

Learning to say "no" is important for you to have healthy relationships, and grow confidence and self-esteem.  When you say "no" you are advocating for what you want plus manage your stress.  As with anything else, the more you practice, the easier it will become.  You'll respect yourself more and so will others.

Photo credit:  duncan cc

cathy wilson

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Cathy Wilson, PCC, BCC, had RNY surgery in 2001 and lost 147 pounds. Cathy is a regular contributor to the OH Blog and authored the "Mind Matters" column in ObesityHelp Magazine. Cathy is a licensed pilot and loves flying. She is a member of the American Society for Metabolic and Bariatric Surgery (ASMBS) and the Obesity Action Coalition (OAC).

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