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I don't even know where to start. Writing this feels heavy, but maybe I need to put these words out there to stop carrying them all inside.
Not long ago, I was proud of myself. I had lost weight. I was getting closer to my dream of qualifying for weight loss surgery. For the first time in years, I actually believed change was possible.
But then life happened. Stress, emotions, and old habits crept back in. One by one, the pounds I worked so hard to lose came back. Not only did I gain back what I lost, but I ended up heavier than when I started. That's the part that hurts the most--I feel like I completely erased my progress.
Right now, I feel like a failure. Like I let myself down. Like I lost sight of my goal and let food and emotions take control again. And it's so easy to beat myself up for it, to look at the scale and think, What's the point?
But deep down, I know the truth: this is not the end. Falling off track doesn't mean I can't climb back on. Struggling doesn't mean I don't deserve help. Gaining weight doesn't erase the hard work I did before--it just means I have to fight harder for myself again.
Weight loss surgery has always been my goal. I still want it. I still need it. And even though it feels like I've failed, I'm reminding myself that failure isn't final unless I stop trying.
I'm writing this as a way of holding myself accountable and being real with anyone else who has been here. If you've lost, gained, and lost sight of your goals too--you're not alone. We can start over as many times as it takes.
Tomorrow, I will try again. And maybe that's enough for today.
A week before 911 my husband went to Cleveland Clinic for some test because he was having problems with urinating. At almost the same time we saw the second plane hit, the phone rang with the news that he had cancer of the kidney and they wanted to operate to remove it. It was an emotional day. One lady at the clinic had a son at the pentagon. Everyone there was trying to keep her from watching the news.
My cousin was a stewardess and scheduled to fly on the plane that went down at Shanksville. Her schedule was changed that morning. When the terrorists took over the plane it was right over where we were living. When they tried to turn the plane it dropped a lot and made a lot of noise. Many people went outside to see what was happening. They watched it drop lower, then turn and fly towards Pennsylvania.
I was doing disaster recovery for the stock market. They had just set up an office in a building close to the trade center. Someone had decided to save money by not doing backups during the two week move. They asked me to go and help them. Because there were no planes and my husband was depressed over the news from the cancer doctor, I said no. They removed the kidney and he lived until 2009. When the cancer came back, it was everywhere.
Real life begins where your comfort zone ends
on 9/11/25 6:05 am - Amarillo, TX
Good morning everyone.
not a lot happening today. My mom needs something from Walmart. Other than that I am hoping to get some stuff around the house done.
no luck in finding momma a home yet. Rescues don't answer emails apparently...so I'll be calling some today. I hate using the phone.
i was 20 when that happened. I remember seeing the second plane hit live in tv. I couldn't believe it and said they were just replaying what had happened. It quickly became apparent that it was a second plane. I think our country had/haa a collective case of PTSD.
as for Charlie Kirk. Both sides need to wake up and grow up. We don't know yet who did this or why so I will not label either party for it. Violence like this is undeniably unacceptable. Do I think the dude was a bad guy? Yeah but no one...no one deserves this. That's something his kids and wife will have to live with for the rest of their lifetime. I do hold blame for rhetoric speakers and those that stoke fear. Remember the politicians in Minnesota there was not much outrage then...it has become acceptable to be ok with violence. Like those celebrating yesterday's events. It is all unacceptable. It breaks my spirit and soul to see people killed over such stupid things. In the end we are all humans. We love or love someone. There is no respect out there for anyone, anywhere for some people. I am scared not only for the foundation of our country...the very fabric of it but for the entire world. I hope people wake up but the nastiness like Jesse waters said and the folks saying he got what he deserved...well it's never going to end I fear.
food is off kilter today. Had a chimichanga for breakfast.
Happy Friday-Eve Gang.
I walked into a mess in the scale house well really the computers. For whatever reason this company is always doing some sort of computer update and apparently last night they did an entire system update on every Win Waste computer, and they are all screwed up. Scale one computer no matter what mouse we connect to it or how many times we reboot it the mouse just jumps all over the screen. Then scale two computer will not ready either the inbound or outbound scale so I have to manually enter the weights in. I called IT and of course no one there can help, and it has to be escalated. Today is going to be a long miserable day if they don't get them fixed.
I'm not going to do a QOTD instead I would like to take a moment to remember those who lost their lives on 9/11 and how that tragic event changed this country forever. I remember working in Cranston, RI at an adolescent treatment facility. The staff had the morning news on as usual waiting for the kids to get up and finish getting ready for the day. When the first plane hit, we all thought it was a malfunction of the plane and just a tragic accident and then when the second one hit, we knew it was a planned attack. We kept the kids in their rooms so they would see it. I had a co-worker whose brother and SIL worked at the Pentagon, and it took her all day to get ahold of them. The brave passengers who overtook the plane that crashed in PA saved so many more lives that day. I don't think anyone will ever forget that day.
I also want address the shooting of Charlie Kirk and the Colorado school shooting that happened yesterday. I don't care what your political stance is or who you like or dislike in the Government taking someone's life because you don't agree with their views or opinions is NOT OK. I've seen some of his blogs and while I didn't agree with some of the stuff he said and talked about I sure as hell wouldn't go shoot him for it. I understand that he was a Trump supporter, but that still does not give anyone the right to take another persons life. This is the same for the student who killed two of their classmates. While I don't know the entire story on that maybe the kid was being bullied or maybe the kid didn't like the other two for some other reason or maybe the kid wanted to be "famous" it still does not give them the right to take a life. I don't know what is going on in this country anymore and I fear it will continue to be divided even after Trump is out of office if he makes his full term.
Food is up in the air because honestly I could care less about eating and just wish people would open their eyes and realize instead of letting the Government divide us we need to come together as a whole. We need to put our differences aside and be kind to everyone. I know I've said I dislike the human race and it is because of the hateful and tragic things like above, but every day I'm still friendly, helpful, and respectful of others regardless of who they are.
I wish you all a safe and healthy day. Remember to take care of yourself.
Dr. Sanchez Lapband 9/12/2003
hw305/revision w280/cw197/gw150
Revision from Lap Band to Bypass on 2/4/2015 by Dr. Pohl
I guess I was always around people that I appreciated and that appreciated me. It was always easy for me to laugh off people like the scale attendant. But I was never the person who had to clean up after them. I do have some memories of planned arguements but it was social not at work. My favorite thing to say at the top of my voice, "Don't make me raise my voice". It got their attention and the issue would be resolved.
The pool and hot tub always fixed most tension and I did that several times a week. Enjoy and dont let other people live rentfree in your head. Have your husband meet you at the Y and go out for a nice meal after exercise.
Real life begins where your comfort zone ends
You got this !!! You had unexpected setback but now dust yourself off and put your health first ! It is not easy but nothing worth having is ! I believe in you and your abilities , STAY STRONG :)
on 9/10/25 5:26 am - Amarillo, TX
Good mornin y'all.
not much happening today. I'm at a loss for words on a lot of things. I saw the diabetes educator and got a bit of bloodwork done. They are unwilling to change anything. They never listen to me and treat me like a stinkin child. Pain is bad too. I figured out my spinal cord stimulator is causing me a lot of pain on my right flank area. So that's turned off and I get to talk to the folks on that next week. Another practice in frustration.
QOTD: every. day. I never do things good enough or the "right way" for my mom. I don't know why I bother. things to be my fault all the time. I asked for a favor just this morning. Something she'd easily do for my brother...she'd fall all over herself to help him. She lent the money for a freaking whole house but won't let me do what's left of my dental bill, who is fixing to start charging interest. Made a big deal of it. I had offered to get official paperwork done up to make sure I pay her back. Nope. Guess if I had a penis I would of lucked out.
food is terribly unplanned today.
Happy Hump Day Gang. Halfway through another week. I'm back in the scale house today and tomorrow and I'm a bit disappointed in the condition it is in. I know the plant manager had a talk with the scale attendant, but apparently some of things discussed fell on deaf ears. It is in the same condition as it was when I first started covering it back in June if not a bit worse. Maybe it's me, but I wish people would take some pride in their workplace and keep it clean. Today will be spent recleaning and discussing it with the plant manager.
QOTD: Do you ever just want to throw your hands up and say why do I even bother? Lately that's how I've been feeling about a lot of things. I think I'm doing something good or helping someone out and I end up getting nothing but grief about it or that I didn't know enough. It's just all disheartening and sometimes like a slap in the face.
B: coffee and a corn muffin which I will probably regret later LOL
L: leftover burger and fries from yesterday (I didn't get the pot roast)
D: not sure I have to see what I feel like having when I get home
Hitting the Y for some weight machines and the hot tub. I feel like I need to soak.
Have a great day everyone!!
Dr. Sanchez Lapband 9/12/2003
hw305/revision w280/cw197/gw150
Revision from Lap Band to Bypass on 2/4/2015 by Dr. Pohl
Hi everyone,
I want to start by saying I'm so sorry I haven't been on here lately. Life threw me a curveball, and most of my focus has been on taking care of my brother and home. In the middle of that, I lost sight of my own journey and the progress I had been making toward qualifying for weight loss surgery.
If I'm being fully honest, not only did I lose the progress I had made, but I also gained the weight back--and then some. I've now reached my highest weight ever, 508 lbs. Writing that number out feels heavy, and honestly, I'm embarrassed to admit it. I feel like I've destroyed the progress I had worked so hard for.
But the truth is, this isn't the end of my story. It's just a setback. Life doesn't always go as planned, and sometimes we fall down--but what matters most is that we get back up. I know I have to reset, start over, and give myself the same patience and grace that I would give anyone else on this journey.
I may have to climb a little harder to get back to where I was, but I refuse to let this setback define me. My goal hasn't changed: I still want to get qualified for surgery, I still want to change my life, and I still believe I can do this.
If you've ever had to start over, I'd love to hear how you picked yourself back up. I know I'm not alone in this, and sharing the struggles is just as important as celebrating the victories.
Thanks to everyone who has been here supporting me. I promise I'm not giving up--I'm just taking a deep breath, dusting myself off, and moving forward one step at a time.
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Your ferritin is dangerously low. Mine was as low as 4 once and no matter what I did all I wanted to do was sleep. I felt exhausted all the time. Yes the infusions suck, but they help so much. When I was dealing with low iron and ferritin I had to go to an hematologist every 3 months to be checked.
Don't wait any longer get those infusions done to start feeling better and figure out which iron supplement works best for you to help keep the numbers up.
Dr. Sanchez Lapband 9/12/2003
hw305/revision w280/cw197/gw150
Revision from Lap Band to Bypass on 2/4/2015 by Dr. Pohl
