Keeping surgery a secret

What Val said, both in terms of your mother and coworkers...

Lora

I'm four days post op and the hardest for me is that I could not tell my family and therefore no support and I went through the surgery alone.  I was to have the surgery two weeks ago, told my family, they were against the surgery, and still said they would be supportive, and they were not.  It was a complete disaster with my family as the nurse put the IV into my arm.  I left crying, my family happy that I didn't go through with it, and my promise to them that I would go through with the surgery and reschedule, but that I would not include them in the process.

Now I'm doing great, but I also feel so deceitful because I have not told them and I've been back home for over 24 hours now.  I'm very close with my family so this is difficult.  I have told three friends/co-workers, and my boss.  They have been supportive, thank God!

I wish I could get by without telling them at all, however, I can't stay cooped up inside with a "bad cold" forever and I'll be seeing them before I am healed and can even drive.  So obviously this is causing some not needed stress! 

Any suggestions anyone?  I was forced not to tell them and now I feel so guilty that I couldn't tell them, grrrr!  I am not prepared for the "I told you so" every time I have an ache or pain, or can't eat a certain food.  I have NO regrets.

Thanks for any input everyone!

That sounds like an incredibly hurtful experience. I understand you feel guilty, but they brought it on themselves and you told them you were going to do it without including them. I don't know your family dynamics, so I'm not sure what will work. You could try telling them that it is done and over with now and it can't be undone, so they can make a choice to support you in your life going forward or to not support you. If they make little comments about surgery it can't change anything now and it will only hurt your relationship.

Thank you and thank God for this site!  I'm not sure I could have gone through with the WLS had it not been for the wonderful and caring people on here, like you!

I'll take one day at a time and tell them when the timing is right - like when I can't bend over to tie my shoes, LOL!

Have a great day!

I'm so sorry that they have treated you so unkindly.  I hope that you can talk to the person who did your psych eval, or someone else, about their hurtful behavior and come up with a way to handle the future with them.  Keep moving forward! :)

If you truly have no regrets, give yourself enough time to start feeling better and then let them know what you've been feeling under the weather with, and that you decided to do it all alone because of how they treated you the first round.  With any luck, they will have no reason to say "I told you so" at all, but I'll bet they feel like a true heel to make you feel like you were all alone, with as close as your family is.

I am in your shoes too.. With the secrecy part anyway!!!

So far I have decided to have the surgery, been to a seminar, and had my first appointment with the surgeon, with my dietician appointment and next surgeon appointment already scheduled, in the midst of getting my psych appointments scheduled..

I'm that far into the process and the only people that knows is my mother and one close friend from work.. I have not told anyone else in my family or my close "real life" friends. And I don't think that I will until I get a surgery date. I also am going to try to not let my managers and other co-workers the real reason I will be out when I do have the surgery.. That may be hard though. Maybe I'll shoot for keeping it to myself until after the fact? We'll see..

I would tell you're mother. Whatever is running through her head as for reasons on why you're NOT eating is probably 100 times worse like, cancer or an eating disorder, than WLS. 

If you don't want to tell her the truth, then tell her it's none of her business. BUT DON'T LIE.

When she finds out---and she will---would you rather have her know you had WLS, or know that you lied to her? I told everyone, because I didn't want people thinking I was on drugs or dying from cancer. When you lose 100 pounds in six months, it's pretty obvious that something's going on. (*grin*)

I really wish everyone would be open about their WLS. Yes, there is some stigma associated with WLS, but that's not going to change if we don't talk about.

I feel so judged.  Geez, I was looking for info on how to spin my situation.  I know a lot of people keep this secret.  I was just looking for her advice.

Fyi I told her I am seeing a dietician and doctor.

I am very sorry that you are feeling this way.  It's not a fun feeling, and it seems that you get this from you mother, too.  I do know how you feel.  Some people have strained relationships with their family members.  Sometimes, detente is the best we can hope for. 

With these boards, you have to take what works for you and leave the rest.  It is easy for people who haven't walked in your shoes to give you responses filled with incredulity for how you are handling something. 

Is your mom your person to call in case of emergency?  That would be one of the only reasons she should have to know. edited: I see that you are married.  Your husband and son know.  If she isn't your emergency contact, then...  She's already going to be offended that you didn't tell her before, and what difference will 5 weeks or 5 years make?  You can't win with someone who is that critical of you.

I think that what you told her is fine.  Can you get in touch with the person who did your psych eval?  I bet they'd be great in having a strategy for dealing with this.

Be kind to you.