sausage fingers....

Ever have one of those days….where you feel soooo fat. The kind of day when you look down at your fingers and think to yourself….man, even my fingers are fat! (The look like little breakfast sausages attached to my hand.LMAO). A glance in the mirror reveals more chins than a Tokyo phonebook. J That is how my morning started today. Nothing fits quite right…(but then again, it hasn’t for a long time.) I am currently at the highest weight I have ever been in my life…and sometimes it’s emotionally crushing to acknowledge your reality.

 

I realized a while ago, how much I am letting life pass me by. I never organize girls-night with my girlfriend’s anymore. (It’s been years!) I haven’t gone to a work related Christmas party for at least 5. I avoid social engagements now, unless they’re mandatory – like weddings and funerals. I have, over the past few years, given up on having fun.

 

I have sort of retreated/sequestered myself to a life of solitude with Sean and my dogs. Thankfully, I love him very much and we make each other happy – but I often wonder what happened to that girl who sort of loved her life and enjoyed the busyness of it.

 

That is one reason, (and there are many), why I am doing this.

 

I miss me.

 

I am so grateful to be in this program right now, because it has given me something very important back – HOPE.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hope the weight will disappear… that’s not what I mean at all. That will come, along with my hard work and dedication to a new life.

 

What I mean is – Hope, like without this new found sense of hope for a better future, I really don’t know where I would be. I feel like I gave up on myself a long time ago, and ever since my doctor and I first discussed this surgery (his idea/suggestion) I have had HOPE again.

 

So when I am post-op, and struggling to get in my protein and water…. I am going to reflect back on this post and acknowledge that no matter what challenges I am facing, it feels pretty damn good to have FAITH in myself again.

 

By the way, FAITH is what HOPE turns into --- when you are finally joining the fight for your happiness...and health.

Toni, your post touched my heart.  Many of us have been, or are, where you're at now.  This kind of self-reflection is SO important.  Definitely save these thoughts you've so eloquently written - they'll mean something to you the rest of your life.  xo

Hi Toni,

Your life sounds like mine, I am very happy, but I know it is not right to secluded myself, I don't want anyone to see me, especially friends. I haven't bought any new clothes in a very long time, so therefore I don't feel any better about myself when I am wearing my "fat, old" clothes.

I wish you all the best in your journey. The best thing about OH is that you are never alone in what you are thinking and feeling, someone else has already been there and done that...but the best is to see others succeed and trust that we will too.

Sue

Thanks so much for posting this, Toni.  I have felt exactly the same way.  Although I didn't isolate myself (I'm far too social for that), I felt very self-conscious at social events and was always preoccupied with thoughts about how fat I was.  Now I look forward to seeing people and actually feel good about how I look (and feel) when I go out.  I don't worry about people staring at me when I eat in a restaurant.  There are so many freedoms... Please keep the post and look back at it in future, that's a great idea.  And hang in there; it's well worth the wait!

Toni,

This was one of the most eloquent post I have ever read.  Your words echo'd my life and touched me to the core.  The process is long, challenging and at times frustrating, but just to have the chance at normalcy again is worth every day of waiting. 

I have for many years avoided mirrors and purposely not looking from the neck down, sausage fingers,piggy toes,ham legs, shelf butt, you name it I've used it to describe my body parts.  But today I am on the 12th day of Optifast and my scale says I am down 16lbs and I'm starting to hope again, have faith in the system and dream of being the person outside that I see inside. 

Your time is coming and you will succeed.  I will look forward to reading your posts and would gladly offer support if you need it.

All the best,

Tracey 

 You made me teary.  I felt like I was reading something I would have written!  HUGS!
When I was in the process and had those days, I would like its ok there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I am in the light now and you will be too!

HUGS

Char

I think that is a great post Toni, I feel bad that there are so many of us that are or were in the same boat or are in the process of climbing out. Well we have to get past all that and look to how great the future is going to be from here on in!

I think you made us all teary, great post, Toni!  I missed ME too and am really glad to have ME back!  *sniff*

What a beautifully written and touching post.  :)

Laura