Kinda freakin out

So I had an emergency ultrasound yesterday cause I was having some bleeding.  The baby is 7 weeks old and the heart is beating strong.

Here is where I am scared:  I have a ultra-horrible boss that happens to be a lawyer too.  He is unsympathetic and has threatened us that he would fire us (even illegaly) and just move on before anyone can punish him.  He likes me (somewhat), but as he admits, we're just pawns and he uses us for what we can do.

My husband and I barely make enough to get by in LA.  Child care and new baby costs will push us into penny-pinching status.

Our marriage is ok.  I cannot say it is strong.  He is caring and considerate.  I am harsh and mean to him - and I know it's not right - but he can be really clueless at times.  I don't get along with his mother, who threatened me early on that if I have a baby, 'I would have to deal with her - forever'.

I don't know if this situation is conducive to having a child.

On the other hand, my mom is happy - happier than I have seen her in years.  My husband is very thrilled with the idea of being a dad.  I did want one in 2 years or so...though not now.

I don't know if now is the time or not.  Should I just go ahead and get it over with?  Or should I do this when the timing is better?

Hi,

I typically don't respond to these types of posts because I'm not sure I am able to be unbiased. However there was something that made me want to speak to you. Every parent wants to give the best to their child, yet the best we have usually has less to do with what we have financially and more with what we have emotionally. If you and your husband have love to give this child you have what you need. There is never an ideal time to have a baby. I have a good friend who was never in the right moment and continually chose to exercise her freedom to choose and when she found someone she wanted to have a child with she was not able to...no that doesn't happen to everyone, but its a thought. If you hear the heartbeat and know its a viable pregnancy, that alone would be music to so many woman's ears. Although, everyone is different, I hope you make the choice thats right, not just convenient. Best wishes...

First, I would contact an employment lawyer. Your boss is a jerk.

Second, there is never a "right time" to have a baby. I have inlaw issues and we are living in their basement. It's gonna be fun when Punkin gets here to say the least. BUT Mark and I knew that we would never be able to give the baby a "perfect" life but we do love the kid to death. That's the most important thing right now. We will love it so much and can give it a roof over it's little head.

I am sorry if my response is going to sound harsh and/or as if I'm bashing you.  I am not intentionally doing so...I'm simply pointing out things you have stated in your post. 

That said, I have to say your post sounds pretty harsh.  The way you say 'get it over with' makes it sound as if having the child is a burden you must endure.  That may not be how you meant it, but it's how it sounds.

I'd recommend you find a way to get some counseling for yourself and/or your husband.  You admit that he's caring and considerate, then state that you're harsh and mean to your husband - whom YOU chose to marry, knowing he can be clueless at times...now you can't tolerate it...and you almost seem resentful of even being pregnant.  Part of that could be based on MIL issues...but that's something you just need to deal with.  Presumably when you married your husband, you married for life...forever...which means your MIL would be there in your life...forever...regardless of whether you had a baby or not.  It's something you should have wrapped your mind around dealing with well before you said 'I do,' let alone before you got pregnant.

I mean this with kindness - I'm generally not a *****y person - when I tell you...you're married to the man of your choice, thus knowingly inheriting your MIL in the bargain, got pregnant at what might not be the most convenient time, but many women don't get pregnant when it's convenient and they make do...and I'd tell you my two cents advice is to put on your big girl panties and deal with it.  Having an abortion won't make your marriage and MIL problems, boss problems or money problems go away...and will just add another problem and stress factor in there knowing you'd had the abortion in the first place because it wasn't a convenient time for you.  If the boss/money problems are that bad...consider moving.  That'd also put some distance between you and the MIL.

I didn't take you wrong at all.  I don't think you were being mean.  You were right - part of my resentment towards my husband is driectly related to my MIL.  She is and always will be the most important and influential person in his life.  And while I knew I can put up with her, I feel bad that I am bringing a child into a situation that they don't have any choice in.  I guess I have made many mistakes - him being one of them, though I do love him - and I will have to live with these mistakes for the rest of my life. 

Whew....I'm glad you understood what  I was saying.  Is there any chance of convincing him to move to another state...put a little distance between you and MIL?  Would he go to counseling w/you and you could learn to deal with her...he could learn to separate his life w/his mom versus his life w/you and the baby? 

Any child you bring into this world - no matter how happy or bad the situation is - has no choice on the situation they're in...it's your job to make the best of the situation.  It may be time to sit down and have a heart to heart talk - alone - with your MIL and just set the boundaries as far as you and your baby.  Make sure DH is aware of what those boundaries are...make sure the're reasonable...but non-negotiable.  Basically things like stating she is not to show up unannounced at your door to see the baby - all visits must be scheduled ahead of time; whatever your feelings are on when/if the baby can spend the night with her (she'll want it, she's the grandmother)...and if you will not allow it because of safety reasons (ie she smokes/drinks/has too many pets, whatever), indicate WHY it's not going to happen and stick to your guns, because that is a safety issue for your baby.  Again...you need to be reasonable about it..you can't say 'you can only come see the baby for five minutes on every third Monday of the months that don't have an 'R' in them.' Much as you'd like to say that...you can't.

On the other hand...if you really are too misserable...make sure you're staying in the marriage for the right reason.  Don't let things go - get the counseling and ha**** out w/DH and MIL before it gets to the point that you do not love him any more.  It already sounds like you've lost respect for him and resentment is setting in...and if you don't do something, the love will be next.

You're not in an easy situation and I wish you the best.  Please keep hanging out here for at least whatever support you can get....but do what you can in your personal life to get in a happy place.

[[hugs]]

Everyone is giving you good things to think about, I just want to mention one more: you say you have a caring and considerate husband but that you are harsh and mean to him. That was me with my husband about 10 years ago, it took some real introspection, but I realized I was mean to him because I was suffering from depression. Some people when depressed get classically depressed, some of us get very, very irritable. Everything my husband did annoyed me for no real reason. I could objectivey look at him or think about him when we were apart and KNOW he was great, but then I would come home and the overwhelming feelings of irritation would begin. There are antidepressants you can take during pregnancy I think, so do some thinking and if you really can't think of why it is you are so mean to him, it might be because you are depressed. Treating my depression made the biggest difference!

your boss is a douche bag... get a new job and i bet your life will be better.... seems like some councling is in order for  you AND your husband... being clueless is not a reason to be mean and harsh. period. all men are clueless.... thats just a fact of life.. you dont have to deal with your mil.. its your husbands mom.. make him do all communication/visitation with the child ... however i would not prevent her from seeing the child... just because you dont like each other doesnt mean that she doesnt have all the love to give to that growing baby... good luck.