OT: Dealing with first holidays....long
If you have read any of my previous posts, you know that after Anushka"s birth my mother and bf had a huge blow up. As a result, my family does not come to visit....I have taken here to see them a couple of times (both those times have resulted in ER visits the next day). They are about 40 minutes away from us.
What brought this up is a conversation I had with my sister last night.......she mentioned Halloween. I told her we didn't know what we were doing, if anything, with her for Halloween. She said the mall was having something for the kids and I should bring her there. I told her I still had a lot of decisions to make for the upcoming holidays, because I felt her daddy should be there for her firsts. (and the first one to see her firsts) She got really quiet, told me to do whatever I wanted and then said she had to go. I admit, my family did a lot for my bf and I before the baby, but this baby wasn't a prize won in a contest. Her daddy has been trying to provide for her and be a better person since she was born. I believe that he needs to be the one to see the firsts, and then we can visit family.
I know we aren't the first couple to have family issues....if my mom will think back she had major issues with her parents when she got pregnant with my sister. They hated my dad and made no bones about it. They didn't take my sister to see my grandparents for over a year after she was born because of the issues. At least they see my daughter, if only a few times a month. But the adults in the situation chose this....they could've kept their mouths shut and went on. I want the best for my daughter and I believe that we need to be together as a family, the three of us. I also don't think I need to drag her around everywhere.......we celebrated our holidays at home. If anyone wanted to see us, they had to come to us.
I guess I need to do what is in my heart and if it hurts someone, it hurts someone. Well, thanks for listening..and if anyone has any experience, please let me know..
What brought this up is a conversation I had with my sister last night.......she mentioned Halloween. I told her we didn't know what we were doing, if anything, with her for Halloween. She said the mall was having something for the kids and I should bring her there. I told her I still had a lot of decisions to make for the upcoming holidays, because I felt her daddy should be there for her firsts. (and the first one to see her firsts) She got really quiet, told me to do whatever I wanted and then said she had to go. I admit, my family did a lot for my bf and I before the baby, but this baby wasn't a prize won in a contest. Her daddy has been trying to provide for her and be a better person since she was born. I believe that he needs to be the one to see the firsts, and then we can visit family.
I know we aren't the first couple to have family issues....if my mom will think back she had major issues with her parents when she got pregnant with my sister. They hated my dad and made no bones about it. They didn't take my sister to see my grandparents for over a year after she was born because of the issues. At least they see my daughter, if only a few times a month. But the adults in the situation chose this....they could've kept their mouths shut and went on. I want the best for my daughter and I believe that we need to be together as a family, the three of us. I also don't think I need to drag her around everywhere.......we celebrated our holidays at home. If anyone wanted to see us, they had to come to us.
I guess I need to do what is in my heart and if it hurts someone, it hurts someone. Well, thanks for listening..and if anyone has any experience, please let me know..
What a hard spot to be in. For me it would be easy. Bf and baby come first. I think you know in your heart what is right. We always want the perfect family, but most of the time we don't get that.
The father and you have every right to do what you feel is best. period.
The father and you have every right to do what you feel is best. period.
Mom to Alex age 9
Wife to Sean married 5/29/99
And one bean on the way. EDD 6/22/11
Wife to Sean married 5/29/99
And one bean on the way. EDD 6/22/11
OK- sorry, but I think a little bit of tough love is in order.....
If you think Anushka is big enough to go out, I think you should do the mall thing with the family and I think your bf should go. Not being with the people who love Anushka is hurting HER not anybody else.
I applaud you for being concerned about doing what's right for your daughter. Getting along, even when things are tough is what's right for your daughter. My inlaws were not easy people, as a matter of fact they were horrible. For the sake of my kids I sucked it up, held my tongue and made an internal pact to myself to do everything possible to make things work with them. Now I'm not saying let them become abusive to you or your bf, but abuse and holding your tongue are two different things. My inlaws and I came from two different walks of life and we didn't agree on a lot of things but I realized that fighting is a two way street. Denying your daughter's rights to be with her family- whether it be her dad or your family isn't fair to her. (again-unless there is abuse).
Not seeing your family for the next 18 or so years isn't a plausible thing. Not being able to celebrate Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter etc with her family just because they don't get along isn't fair. She shouldn't (and you shouldn't) have to pick.
I hope you find a resolve for all this. I know it isn't easy. Trust me- I've walked in your shoes! Good luck!
If you think Anushka is big enough to go out, I think you should do the mall thing with the family and I think your bf should go. Not being with the people who love Anushka is hurting HER not anybody else.
I applaud you for being concerned about doing what's right for your daughter. Getting along, even when things are tough is what's right for your daughter. My inlaws were not easy people, as a matter of fact they were horrible. For the sake of my kids I sucked it up, held my tongue and made an internal pact to myself to do everything possible to make things work with them. Now I'm not saying let them become abusive to you or your bf, but abuse and holding your tongue are two different things. My inlaws and I came from two different walks of life and we didn't agree on a lot of things but I realized that fighting is a two way street. Denying your daughter's rights to be with her family- whether it be her dad or your family isn't fair to her. (again-unless there is abuse).
Not seeing your family for the next 18 or so years isn't a plausible thing. Not being able to celebrate Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter etc with her family just because they don't get along isn't fair. She shouldn't (and you shouldn't) have to pick.
I hope you find a resolve for all this. I know it isn't easy. Trust me- I've walked in your shoes! Good luck!
The more you like yourself, the less you are like anyone else, which makes you unique. Walt Disney
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That's the thing, Tracey.....tongues weren't held. My mother attacked my BF's race and family......he is from India and Hindu. He and I were having a discussion, she stuck her nose in, he got really upset and then all hell broke loose.....I thought I was on an episode of Cops....
She attacked his mother, and accused him of wanting to leave with the baby to never bring her back. (My mom dreams up stuff in her head and then worries about it obsessively). She screamed and yelled...I truly thought she was going to hit him. She also made comments about his race........my mother has never said anything about anyone' s race. Since I got pregnant, she hs obsessively talked about him taking Anushka to India and never seeing her. Although, my dad told her the person that would ever stand between her and that baby was her and her imagination.
He fired back.....made a comment about the family being white and the fact that she stuck her nose in somewhere it didn't belong like she always had....then he proceeded to call my dad. Made some comments to my dad about her nosiness....made my dad furious. Well, you get the picture........so, the time for biting tongues has passed.
They were both wrong.....very wrong, but my mother has forever thought this child would be at her house 24/7, like her sister's grandchildren. I think they thought they would be part of decisions and day-to-day raising, but that was never going to happen anyway. I, right now, am a stay at home mom and want to parent my child. I want theminvolved, but I never want my daughter to see what she saw that night again. (I know she was only 4 days old)
I guess everything happens for a reason, but I do know that Anushka will never be in a room with all of her family. It is a terrible thing for her.....
She attacked his mother, and accused him of wanting to leave with the baby to never bring her back. (My mom dreams up stuff in her head and then worries about it obsessively). She screamed and yelled...I truly thought she was going to hit him. She also made comments about his race........my mother has never said anything about anyone' s race. Since I got pregnant, she hs obsessively talked about him taking Anushka to India and never seeing her. Although, my dad told her the person that would ever stand between her and that baby was her and her imagination.
He fired back.....made a comment about the family being white and the fact that she stuck her nose in somewhere it didn't belong like she always had....then he proceeded to call my dad. Made some comments to my dad about her nosiness....made my dad furious. Well, you get the picture........so, the time for biting tongues has passed.
They were both wrong.....very wrong, but my mother has forever thought this child would be at her house 24/7, like her sister's grandchildren. I think they thought they would be part of decisions and day-to-day raising, but that was never going to happen anyway. I, right now, am a stay at home mom and want to parent my child. I want theminvolved, but I never want my daughter to see what she saw that night again. (I know she was only 4 days old)
I guess everything happens for a reason, but I do know that Anushka will never be in a room with all of her family. It is a terrible thing for her.....
I have a situation similar to yours that has been going on for 25 years between my parents and my grandmother and her husband. There have been several 'events' throughout my lifetime that I remember being as bad as what you just described. When I married my husband four years ago, I warned my grandparents that I wouldn't stand for it anymore, and that if it happened again, They would have no relationship with me or my children. Ever.
Two weeks ago, there was an 'event' and there sat my one year old son- exactly where I swore I would never allow him to be. I left the gathering and a few days later told my grandmother that as of this time, her husband was not allowed to have contact with my son. Whille it kills me to do this (and it does) and it hurts her alot, I am sure that I am doing the right thing protecting my child. I know the psychological damage it did to me and my 3 siblings over the years and no relationship with a grandparent is worth that. My siblings agree.
That being said, my aunt and I are working towards a more permanent solution. Obviously, no one is happy with the outcome of the event 2 weeks ago, but at this time, this is only solution I have. We are working towards getting my grandparents (all be it... probably forcing them into) to go to therapy. There are some underlying fears and anger problems that must be dealt with before a relationship can be re-established. I cannot trust them to be around my child right now and I need to be, trust is the basis of all relationships... you have to trust the people you surround your child with.
Something is driving your mother's hatred of your bf. It sounds mostly like fear, but she needs to deal with it. I don't know if you can talk to her about it with out things getting worse, but if you can you need to.
I don't have much in the way of advice, just that I am pretty much in a similar situation and it sucks.
Good luck, and lots of support.
Two weeks ago, there was an 'event' and there sat my one year old son- exactly where I swore I would never allow him to be. I left the gathering and a few days later told my grandmother that as of this time, her husband was not allowed to have contact with my son. Whille it kills me to do this (and it does) and it hurts her alot, I am sure that I am doing the right thing protecting my child. I know the psychological damage it did to me and my 3 siblings over the years and no relationship with a grandparent is worth that. My siblings agree.
That being said, my aunt and I are working towards a more permanent solution. Obviously, no one is happy with the outcome of the event 2 weeks ago, but at this time, this is only solution I have. We are working towards getting my grandparents (all be it... probably forcing them into) to go to therapy. There are some underlying fears and anger problems that must be dealt with before a relationship can be re-established. I cannot trust them to be around my child right now and I need to be, trust is the basis of all relationships... you have to trust the people you surround your child with.
Something is driving your mother's hatred of your bf. It sounds mostly like fear, but she needs to deal with it. I don't know if you can talk to her about it with out things getting worse, but if you can you need to.
I don't have much in the way of advice, just that I am pretty much in a similar situation and it sucks.
Good luck, and lots of support.
~Victoria
Regarding Halloween... it's cute to dress babies up and take pictures to commemorate their first Halloween, but trick-or-treating really isn't necessary. It's not like they know what they're doing and they can't eat the candy, anyway! 
Now that you guys have your own little family, it sounds like it would be a good time to start your own holiday traditions. At least that way, no one can take those memories from you.
Now that you guys have your own little family, it sounds like it would be a good time to start your own holiday traditions. At least that way, no one can take those memories from you.
Mandy- 6.5cc (10cc band)
87 Pounds To Go! 304/257/170
87 Pounds To Go! 304/257/170
Well, I have to keep it real here...
Considering all the drama you've posted about, with your BF, his indecisiveness to stay/live with you, the horrible things he's (and his family has said) to you, can you really blame your parents for not liking him? I would be scared too, that he takes that baby out of the country without your permission. I remember all your posts quite well. I even remember PM'ng you to remove yourself from some of this stress, or your baby could be at risk for health or emotional problems after her birth. Your parents have a right to see their grandaughter. Your BF has NO right to dictate to them that they cannot (unless there is abuse involved). Halloween is not a big deal, but why not split the day up? Does he have to be with her every hour of the day? Your family did a lot to help you with your pregnancy. His, won't even acknowledge there is a new baby here. The more people who love that baby, the better....regardless of who doesn't get along.
Considering all the drama you've posted about, with your BF, his indecisiveness to stay/live with you, the horrible things he's (and his family has said) to you, can you really blame your parents for not liking him? I would be scared too, that he takes that baby out of the country without your permission. I remember all your posts quite well. I even remember PM'ng you to remove yourself from some of this stress, or your baby could be at risk for health or emotional problems after her birth. Your parents have a right to see their grandaughter. Your BF has NO right to dictate to them that they cannot (unless there is abuse involved). Halloween is not a big deal, but why not split the day up? Does he have to be with her every hour of the day? Your family did a lot to help you with your pregnancy. His, won't even acknowledge there is a new baby here. The more people who love that baby, the better....regardless of who doesn't get along.
M/C 10/18/10 9w2d...forever loved
It's a boy!
Sorry you are going through this. It is hard when family members don't get along. I would tell your family that they are welcome to join your family in holiday outings and activities if they would like, but that BF will be there. That way it is their decision to be or not to be in her life. And you are right about the holidays, in my hubby's family they always get together at the home of the person with the youngest. Good luck.
Jackie
Jackie
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