Sneaky me - how horrible am I? A hypocrite at least

I am revising from Lap Band to Vertical Sleeve Plication (restrictive only surgery with no stomach removal) on Monday.

30lbs would put me at a normal BMI  - so any additional loss would be gravy.

The conniving part?  I'm not married, I love my boyfriend but things aren't so tight, right (he is totally against me having any WLS so I am not telling him -(who am I?), my finances suck, I don't own a place  . . .  the list goes on and on

Well I plan to get in the best health of my life prior but I am thinking that I just want to get pregnant even if I am only 6 months post-op.  What a hypocrite right!

I'm old and afraid that I will die never holding my child.

I'm such a crybaby today. It's this surgery on Monday.  I am feeling very vulnerable but I am stating what has been on my mind and in my heart.  I would do it if it did not present any harm to my unborn child.

Am I a horrible person?

You're not a horrible person, but here is what I hear you saying:

My boyfriend and I don't have a good relationship, our relationship is rocky enough that I'm planning to have major surgery and not tell him about it. I'm not in a secure place financially or emotionally, but I want to get pregnant (with the person I don't feel comfortable sharing a major life decision with).

It seems to me that, if your true desire is to have a child, you need ot make sure you're in a good place physically AND emotionally, and it doesn't seem like you're there yet.

How old are you that you're worrying about never being able to have a child?

Hmmm, I'm terribly nervous right now of having this surgery hence the emotion.  I am terrified of being pregnant and everything that goes with raising a child especially in this economy.  There will never be a "right time" for me.  I will worry about childcare and my childs safety all the time.

One of my psych friends asked me if I would still have chose BF if I were 25.  The background here is that "OMG, I'm in my mid to late 30's  and if I don't land a guy ASAP well then I will end up alone and childless"  this is a very real fear that lots of my single friends have - fear of our eggs getting old, fear of us getting old and less desireable.  Oh man, the list goes on.  Anyways, I thought about my Will and think chit yeah, this is the guy I would have chose at 25 - this is the guy and I am sorry I had to go through the rest of the mess.

He is far from perfect but so am I.  His heart is in the right place though.  One day I said I would not marry him ever if I got pregnant before and he just cried.  He has been working 7 days for the past 1.5 years, saving money so that he'd . . . then we'd have a future (this brings about lots of issues as he just gets exhausted and we don't get to spend quality time - it is all sacrafice and no play at all). He is rough in a lot of places.  We can't agree on this WLS thing.  He won't move on believing if I dieted and exercised - like never ate cake or ice-cream again ever and exercised 2hrs a day then I wouldn't have a single problem with my weight.  He actually says that I am lazy and greedy.  I disagree with both.  Sometimes he is like a primative man. I struggle alot with him not understanding this - he has a ridiculously amazing body that he works on all the time.

Well, he does know about my band removal ( although I did tell him about my band - he loves to grab my port , he still insist he didn't know about it and is mortified that I would mutilate my body with that piece  of plastic and now the doctor is going to have to cut me up to remove)  He also was upset that I had to have a root canal or get treated for my anemia or see any doctor.   I don't know what it is.  I think he fears something will happen to me.  It is craziness I know.

Finances - I've kept the same job for years but it has been rough.  All my money goes toward my expenses - mainly rent.  My credit is great, I am just "broke" Right now, it is nearly impossible to buy something in NYC unless you have good money.  My best friend just bought a jr 1 bedroom (closet) for $440,000 on the upper west side of manhattan.  Her parents funded most.  So lots of people here rent and raise kids.

I guess I don't know.  I will just have to do all I can and then just trust the process of life.


Best,
Leila

You are not a hypocrite and definitely NOT horrible for wanting to be a mother. I feel it's a natural instinct we have as women and frankly Leila, you deserve to be a mom too. Girl, don't feel bad at all ......and from many of your post I've seen you don't go into anything without careful assessment and thought. That's my impression of you. Good luck on your surgery sweet heart and just think.....this time next year you might be holding a pregnant belly or child (wink). I'm keeping you in my prayers and stop it with the coming down on you!!!! :)

~~Gina

P.S. I'm going to pray for your health, finances and relationship. God don't give us more than we can handle, so I'm praying that all works out in the end.

Leila,

You are far from horrible.  I do think that you deserve a relationship with a man who loves and honors you for who you are today and who you want to become tomorrow.  A man who supports your decisions for your health.  If your current bf becomes that person, then yay.  If not, you truly deserve much more than what you have with him now.

You have chosen to have this revision for yourself.  Yay you!  And honey... I'm 40 and pregnant with my 1st Lil Peanut right now.  I TOTALLY thought I would have to do it alone too.  My honey and I broke up last year for about 6 months.  I had made up my mind that I was going to do it alone if I needed to.  It so happens that we did get back together and are living our bliss right now.

Oh and about buying a place... yeah... I live in the Silicon Valley in California.  It's just as expensive here as it is in NYC.  We rent a house and have absolutely no plans to buy a place.  Why in the world would I spend more than twice what I pay in rent for mortgage.  So in 5 years my property investment can go down? So I can be cash poor every month? HUH?  No thank you!  There's nothing wrong with renting a home while raising your future children.  It's all good, girl!

Good luck on Monday and I'll be sending my prayers your way.

Congrats on your revision!
Take the next few months to focus on YOU, to make yourself healthy. Exercise, eat right, and see how you feel about yourself in the spring. Re-evaluate your feelings then, about your BF and wanting a baby with him. They very well could bee the same as today, but at least you will feel better about yourself from the extra WL and maybe in a better frame of mind to make a decision. Good luck and enjoy the holidays!!

I wouldn't say you're selfish or horrible...I'd say you're listening to that screaming biological clock....which I know all too well.

However - I do think you should at least tell your bf you are having the surgery Monday.  It's your body and your decision - so if you truly want it, do it...but I would not sneak around behind him and do it.  He's gonna know anyways when he sees you afterwards...you're going to have a scar...and I think if he truly loves you, then he's gonna be majorly pissed that you'd go have a surgery like this w/o telling him.  You said he gets upset if you get a root canal...and this is so much more than a root canal. 

I would tell you to wait until your weight loss from this surgery is stabalized before trying to get pregnant.  That may not take an entire year since you don't have that much more to lose...but if you're going to go to the trouble fo having this 2nd WLS...put it to good use and get the most out of it.  It's best for you in the long run...and for your future baby.

Keep your surgery date...but talk to your bf...and good luck.