Just need some encouragement! Coworker is bringing me down - long venting rant.

I have learned, in my dealings with my elder son and his former/future wife and her extended family (complicated), that some people thrive only in an atmosphere of chaos and discord.  If it's not there they will make it so, because for them that is the norm.  (With my son it stems from his first nine years of life as an abused and then foster kid; his current woman's troubles seem to stem from an early tragedy and subsequent failure on the part of her family to nurture her.) 

It's possible that your coworker has this similar deeply-rooted need for turmoil in her life, and her take on your constructive criticism is her current pathway to that, in addition to that family stuff you mentioned she's discussed.  She gotta be fussin' with someone, perhaps, all the time, and she found her opportunity with you.  As I mentioned above, I've experienced that first-hand, and it's a ***** 

I would take it to heart that management seems to have a clear picture of what's happening and has nothing bad to say about your comportment.  As to whether they can force her to raise the level of hers, I don't think they'd be motivated unless you escalated your own discussions with them to the level of a complaint. 

You were offered the opportunity to move your work station.  Perhaps they would move hers instead? 

Yes, yes, it's junior-high mean girl passive-aggressive behavior on her part.   My best advice would be to stop saying hello, to stop trying to show her how nice you really are despite what she has decided about you unfairly, and yes, just ignore her unless you need to work directly with her.  Let the baby have her bottle.  If she's loud in the office, report that as a confounder to productivity.  When you stop feeding her smarting ego with communication attempts she may settle down or she may not, but at least you will give yourself a chance to settle down.  Reconsider that work station moving offer, perhaps.

We know how nice you are.  Your family, friends, other co-workers know how nice you are, and they know your integrity.  If she doesn't want to partake in that, that's her deal.

Hang in there, hon, but don't hang on that woman's word hoping for a pleasant one.  :)  Above all, DO NOT give her any power over you which makes you eat off-plan.  Don't go there.  Take a deep breath, ignore her, and move on. 

Taking deep breaths -- many, many of them.  Yes, she does love drama.  I just have to not participate.  Breath deeply and don't eat the chocolate covered expresso beans that are calling my name!  

Yes, ma'am, step away from the beans.  :)

Junior high attitudes and issues at work suck.  I had a situation myself- it can be very draining and I spent WAY too much time letting it bother me and finally the big question came....Why is it so important that I feel everyone "like" me?  Some deep thought brought me to the conclusion that she was just the impetus to my own growth- the reality is it did not matter whether she liked me or not, all we needed to do was work together on some limited events, and share the office space. It was an open room with four desks...I did not even have the cove of a cube!    I had to get over her choices.  Once I let go of being angry, hurt and upset about her behavior- I felt so much more relaxed at work- and honestly- it did not matter.I continued to say good morning and act in a professional manner- she continued to be an as*hole, and that was that.  Sounds like you have taken all the steps needed to protect yourself, let her make herself just as miserable as she pleases......

Thanks so much.  I'm working on letting go -- and frankly, I would never have believed that I could let this get to me as much as it does.  Sorry you had this experience too.

Ugh, I am so very sorry that you are having to deal with this. I have been a teacher and now I am a nurse. I also worked at the Clinique counter for years as a makeup artist, that being said, I know how difficult it is to work with a bunch of women! They can be tough!  I have learned over the years that I don't like everyone and everyone doesn't like me. That was a tough pill to swallow with my personality, I want everyone to like me.  So here is my humble advice: you have done so great in changing your health and appearance. This should motivate you and remind you of how powerful you are. You yourself assessed your health and decided to make a change. You are a person who can reflect and admit wrong and change.  Your co-worker? Not so much. That is a major personality flaw. It is gonna sting, but you have to move past it and not let it de-rail your progress.  TAKE THE POWER BACK. Do not allow her to make this a difficult, awkward work environment. Take control of the situation and YOU act like everything is ok.  Treat her just like you used to.  Walk right past her and say "goodmorning" loudly, invite her to lunch too when inviting others or say "Im going to get coffee, want any?'.  This may or may not make her "get over it" when she sees she isnt getting the attention for her tantrum or she may just give up the act.  Even if she doesn't, it isnt your burden anymore!  Stop focusing on her and focus on your lovely self!! She is a road bump that you need to speed over sister!!!!

Thanks!  This is very helpful, and is more in line with my general personality.  I've tried completely ignoring her as well (as advised by the EAP counselor), but that goes against my nature.  But in the end, if I get my feelings hurt (LOL, I sound like I'm in kindergarten!), every time I speak to her and she snubs me, then I sometimes just have to take a break from interacting.  Then if I ignore her, I feel like I'm being petty.

Ugh.  It's a no win.  So I guess I just have to figure out how to protect myself from these feelings, and go with that. 

I really appreciate it!

One thing that passive aggressive people HATE - having to be confronted.   (im really not the assertive type and id rather sit around and stress eat but in my quest to change this - i might consider something like this)

Either you, or with a manager, sit down and have a meeting with her and spell it out that you are feeling hurt/upset/bothered by her behaviors, and you'd like to know how she feels and what you can do together to improve your working relationship. That will absolutely kill a passive aggresive person, but if a manager is involved, it's hard to squirm your way out of that. And I think it would be totaly appropriate. She should just say whats on her freaking mind and come up with a solution. Unless she absolutely just wants to stay miserable, it could benefit both of you. 

I might also buy her some flowers or something nice and write her a note/letter apologizng for anything you might have done that hurt her feelings and expressing a desire to talk to her or work things out so that you can work together - just pump up her ego  a little or whatever, and maybe she'll come around? You just never know with these people.

I think it will be more harmful in the long run though to ignore the situation and just move. Toxic situations like this -ifthere is any hope of fixing them - you should try because it will affect you down to the core, and affect your life in a negative way. 

But this is coming from the least confrontational person ever so...take it for what it's worth, but i know  im trying to work on issues like this in my life, I asolutely need to learn to take control of situations that make me eat because I can't eat away my anxiety forever. 

Be gentle with yourself with the WL - the word "steadily" - take comfort in that. Slow and steady wins the race. Just stay the course. And if you need to eat - my drug of choice for anxiety right now is lots of chopped up ccucumber slices and red/orange peppers strips. 

Thanks for your advice. Since my manager says that a meeting would only stir her up (but that is what a previous manager did when this person complained about someone else -- so this is a pattern of behavior for her).  

Like you, I'm from the "work things out" school -- but all of the advice from my work (manager and EAP counselor) is to just be professional, and ignore her petty behavior.   I think that is the source of my anxiety -- I want to fix this, but she seems perfectly happy continuing this way.   

Sliced veggies are certainly a better alternative than the chocolate covered espresso beans!  

Simple.  It's her rock and she's trying to place it in your backpack to carry around.  Don't let her.  Not your rock.  Hand it back to her and lighten your load.  Move on down the road and realize that people with attitude problems like for others to carry their rocks.