Sandy M.

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It has been a long time since my last post, and I've been staying away from this site.  Why?  Because I had that unfill, and gained 10 pounds! At one point the scale said 190.8 and I thought I was going to throw it through a window.  As of this morning, I'm 186.4.  

The problem isn't the food.  I eat healthier now than I have ever, including my infancy!  I love trying new foods and cooking for myself.  I think the problem is the cycle of depression and alcohol that I've suffered since my father died in 1978.  I had a shrink tell me once that I was never treated for the depression early on.  I don't think anyone knew, because I hid it.  I had to - my family fell apart.  My mother didn't even know how to drive, and now she was the head of the family, running the hardware store, and dating again.  My brothers couldn't deal at all - one just sort of slid away from us, and the other became an agressive mean party animal.  I was the good kid.  Yeah, right.  I hid that one well too.

I finally "escaped" and moved to Texas.  No money and no support will definitely put the depression in high gear!  I remember laying in the corner (I had no bed) crying my eyes out and begging God to let me go.  But, I scratched, clawed, and crawled my way out of that wormhole, and ended up with a great job, great money, and great friends.

But still, occasionally that ghost of depression comes back, just to sit on my chest for a little while.  Mostly around the holidays, when I reflect on what I never had but wished I had.  When my best friend goes home to her family.  The family that visits her in Texas 4-5 times a year.  The family that buys her substantial Christmas and birthday presents.  The family that paid her way through college.  You get the picture.  Envy, thy name is me.

So anyway, the holidays are over, and I'm done grieving the past for awhile.  A couple of weeks ago my company had a conference, and my friends and collegues flew in from all over the world.  What a great spirit-lifter!  They give me exactly what I didn't get from my family.  

And, to top it all off - one of my collegues from Paris (tall, dark, handsome, fashionable, ooh la la), confessed to me that he had the hots for me, and had for quite some time!  I'm totally clueless, even though he had been following me around like a puppy - a totally hot sexy puppy.

He's married, so I won't go there (or at least I didn't drink enough to go there).  But it was still such a huge compliment for me, and made me sit up and take notice.  The same night a stranger came on to me.  I go for years without even dating, and 2 times in one night!  I think I'm not so good at the self-esteem thing.  Me, I'm the 47-year-old dumpy old maid with holes in her socks.  

So I went out and bought new socks.  And red nail polish for my toes.  And pink lipstick.  I'm coming out - let's get this party started!

Just hit 180.4 this morning - my lowest since my last post.  True to form, I seesaw a lot - going down, then going back up.  At least I take two steps back, 1 1/2 steps forward.

Last week I thought I'd need to see my surgeon to have some fill taken out.  I wasn't able to swallow even liquid without a stuck feeling, and was having horrible acid reflux.  That's what I do when under stress.  And I'm under stress, big time.  

My company is taking steps in a RADICAL direction, and I'm lucky enough to be right in the middle of it.  This will be the largest project I've ever been on, and the most responsiblity I've ever had.  I feel like my entire career has culminated in this - I know I'm up for the challenge, but sometimes I doubt my own abilities.  

But that's being human, right?  I'm also having issues with one of my brothers.  He's an alcoholic, and abusive, and a clone of my father.  I love him and his family, but every time I'm around him there's a chance he'll go off on me for no reason.  That wouldn't be so bad, except his wife is totally in denial, and doesn't want to set him off.  She's had a lot of practice.  When I'm around, my brother's whole family suffers.  So, she gives me the cold shoulder as well.  

And, of course, being my father's daughter, I feel like I am 100% to blame.  I must be an awful person that nobody wants to be around (so my brother says).  I have given in to the tears soooo many times, and have even contemplated ending it all (don't go calling the Suicide hotline, 'cuz it was never serious).  It comes down to; I don't know how to handle my own brother, and I'm not sure I want to learn how.  

I love Minnesota - I love the people I've met, the 4 seasons, everything.  the reason I started spending my summers here is to be closer to my family.  I need to re-think that.  If my job moves to Minneapolis, I need to find new friends, new family.  I need to start over again, and become strong enough to have my own life, without needing my little brother around.

Then, maybe, just maybe, I can spend time with him, celebrate the family milestones, be there when they need me.  I have 7 months to figure it out before I'm supposed to be back here again. 

Since the end of June when I celebrated losing 40 pounds, I seesawed again, going all the way up to 187 at one point.  This seems to be a trend with me!  The last couple of days have seen me losing again, today being my lowest point ever at 181.2.  The best victory was going to Old Navy and fitting into SIZE 12 PANTS!   Even when I had my best weight loss ever (in the 1980's), I only made it to a size 14.  

And, I learned a very valuable lesson last weekend.  Lapbanders should not drink tequila shots!  I got pressured into it even though I knew that my band was really tight.  The shot of course got stuck, and I headed to the bathroom awaiting the inevitable.  I was at my brother's camper, and anyone who camps knows that sometimes the toilet doesn't smell so good.  I opened the lid, and the smell was so bad I started projectile vomiting.  Let me tell you, you don't want to know what tequila feels like coming back up - through your nose!  I started jumping up and down and dancing because the burn was so bad.  I spent the rest of the night with runny bloodshot eyes, still feeling the burn! 

What a great day!  I woke up at 183.8, which makes me officially 40 pounds down from my starting weight of 224.  Yahoo!

Yesterday I spent a lovely evening with my niece Sarah and her boyfriend Matt at the boyfriends cabin on a neighboring lake.  We fished (okay, I watched Matt and Sarah fish), had dinner at Zorbaz, and then played scrabble until 11.  Today more family is coming to celebrate the weekend and start a week of vacation.  Guess I better shave the legs and get the swimsuit out!

I'm living in a camper in Minnesota for the summer.  It's not much like camping - I've got high-speed internet, phone, and sattelite TV.  But, it's close to my family, and I get to spend every weekend with them.  

I've had to overcome lots of technical issues since I got here.  My laptop failed me twice (lost my whole hard drive, darnit), my Blackberry broke, and the internet wasn't all it was cracked up to be.  But, I'm good now.

Since I've been here, I've been in a "party" mode most of the time.  Too much drinking, eating bad stuff, and no exercise.  And not losing any weight - huh!

I bought a bike and have started riding.  Geez Louise it's hard!  Those little bitty hills get really big when you're on a bike.  And I'm trying really hard to not drink during the week.  Finally, the scale moved a little bit.  Only .6 more pounds and I will have lost 40, which is a big milestone for me.  

Work is really really slow right now, and I'm horribly bored.  One of two projects need to come together for me to get busy again.  There's a sales conference in Dallas I'll be attending next month that will probably get me busy again, since it sometimes seems that the Sales folks have to see me to remember that they need me!

I never would have thought about doing this before - my goodness; the shame, the humiliation of showing my fat body in front of healthy martial arts experts!

I learned a lot in 4 hours about evil people and how to protect myself against them.  Knock on wood I'll never have to!

Halfway through the class I noticed an obese woman sitting on the periphery, not participating in the exercises.  I'm ashamed to admit that I felt somehow superior to her, but the sad fact is that she was holding a mirror up for me to see what I was just a few months ago.  She didn't even make it to the end of the class - I wonder if anyone even noticed that she left?  So sad.

I am practicing the techniques from The Secret.  I am acting as if I have already received what I have asked for.  I have asked for a healthy, thin body, an abundance of joy and wealth, and love.  Every time I take the time to stop and look around I realize that I have already received it.  In abundance.  It's true - money has come in that I didn't expect, parking spaces magically open up when I expect them to, and my shoulder is really on the mend.  And I've released more pounds.  Better yet, I'm eating as if I were a thin person.  By tracking my food on fitday.com, I've realized that I do okay until evening, when I eat the bad stuff.  So, I'm cutting back on the calories for breakfast and lunch, and that gives me some wiggle room at night if I can't resist the urge to eat more than I should.

Wednesday I leave for Minnesota.  Better get going on the house cleaning - only one more day to it done!

My life is full of abundance.  I make plenty of money to live on, plus more (to have fun with).  In two weeks I'll be moving to my lake place in Minnesota for the summer.  I work for a company that's willing to let me do that.  My shoulder is getting better every day, and the muscle relaxant my doctor prescribed helps me get a good nights sleep.  I feel valued at work - like my opinion really matters.  There is opportunity for promotion.  My cats are all healthy.  I have a new car.  The cardinals and blue jays are back at the bird feeders for me to watch.

And I've lost 37 pounds in one year.  My first inclination was to post "I've only lost 37 pounds in a whole year".  But the truth is, I have been blessed with abundance there too.  I have let go of 37 pounds forever.  And I'm learning new habits every day, and developing tastes for things I never thought I'd every like.  

"The Secret" says that you get whatever you focus on, or send out to the universe.  I want more of the same.  I want to lose all my excess weight, have a normal bmi, be physically active, healthy, and continue to have plenty of money to do the things I want to do.  I love my life, and I am truly grateful for the abundance of everything good.

I saw the dietician last Monday, and she had us sign up for www.fitday.com.  I was already a member, but hadn't really used it since October.  She gave me custom nutrional goals so that I can really track how I'm going every day.  I've been religious about inputting my food and activities every day, and I'm down to 185.8 pounds!  Yaay for me!  And the best part is that my waist size is down to 37 inches (from a high of 49 inches); only two inches above 35, which is an indicator of general good health.

Thursday I'm off to New York City for a long weekend with a friend.  She's never been, so it'll be fun to show her the sights.  We have tickets to Mary Poppins, which I'm most excited about.  Let's hope the weather cooperates.

Tuesday after Easter I'm off to Montevideo, Uruguay to meet with a customer.  I can add another country to my list (Uruguay will make 41).

Three weeks ago my doctor diagnosed me with tendinitis of the left shoulder, which had been waking me up at night with the pain.  he prescribed twice daily doses of Naproxen and no upper arm exercise for 2 weeks.  Just when I was getting used to my workouts at Curves!

I was in Asia for the last two weeks, pigging out and drinking too much.  I thought for sure I had gained at least 5 pounds, but was pleasantly surprised to see a weight Sunday morning of 188.8!  I finally broke through my plateau, which I've been at since Christmas.  Yahoo!

I woke up at 0200 this morning (jet lag), and just gave up and got up.  I worked out at 0700 (not too much pain in the shoulder, so that's good).  I'm ready to start losing again!

I managed to get in 4 days at Curves this week.  I was aiming for 5. I still have the opportunity today, but I have a hard time leaving the house on Saturdays for some reason.  This morning I was at 191.2, which is the lowest I've ever been, but not the first time I've hit this number.  I get here and then bounce back up to 195 or 196.  

I get another fill Thursday.  I've noticed that I can sometimes eat my food in about 10 minutes, and I can eat more than I should be able to.  I was going to hold off on the fill, because I was supposed to leave for a 3-week business trip in Asia and didn't want to get into a situation where I was too tight with no way of getting an unfill.  But now I'm not leaving 'til the 10th, so I should know by then.  It will be a challenge while I'm on the road to get in my exercise, since I'm so shy about using hotel gyms.  I will get over it though - I have to!