June 13, 2004

I went the Prince concert in Bossier City/ Sheveport, LA last night. I didn't fit in the seat. My husband kept asking me over and over if I was okay or comfortable. Of course I wasn't comfortable but I kept saying " I'm alright". That is one of the many reasons I have tried and failed many times to lose weight.
June 18, 2004

Why am I afraid to call the doctors office or my insurance company???? Because I'm afraid of being denied. I'm afraid they are going to tell me "You didn't try hard enough with the diets, pills, etc..." I feel like I tried hard enough; the doctor feels that way but will the insurance company?

Monday I call...Mondays are kind of busy.. Maybe Tuesday? Yeah Tuesday I'll call. Fear keeps us from doing what we want. Fear of flying, fear of not being able to "fit", just fear. I'm really going to try to stop being afraid and be very persistant in my goal of surgery.

July, 23, 2004

Called the insurance company 2 times this month. The first time they didn't have my medical necessity paperwork. So of course I call the doctors office. His insurance lady (I don't know her name) said, "We faxed this three times. I don't know what else to do." I told her "Fax it again! That's what you do. I have a fax number from the insurance company. Fax it to this number." Well, then she had a real attitude. "That's the number we have been faxing it to but I'll try again."

After this exchange, I decide I'm looking for another doctor. I'm glad I did too because I hadn't done my homework. This doctor is not on my insurance so I would have to pay out of network charges. Unless the doctor accept what the insurance would pay.

I started looking for a doctor who was on my insurance and found 4 in the area. But I got to thinking. This doctor's partner who is the internist who does the pre-interview and does the papers, charge my insurance company over $200 to do that. I want my papers!

I called the insurance company this week. No Papers. I called the Doctor's office. I talk with an insurance lady name . The other lady (who ever she was) is gone. This lady is new. I explained to her my situation and she agrees to CALL the insurance company after she faxes the papers again today to make sure they got them. I'm Happy.

New Lady CALLS me at work. She tells me that since my file is 44 pages long, she is going to mail my papers to the insurance company too. Then she CALLS me back later to let me know that it’s done.

How wonderful. But I'm still going to change doctors to one that is in my Network.

November 8, 2004

Denied. Going to appeal. According to Anthem Blue Cross and Blue Sheild of KY, Lap band is an investigational procedure. Going to appeal.
November 20, 2004

I'm going to start looking at this another way. I'm wanted the lap band but I want this weight off more than anything I can concentrate on now but my family and money. I going to start my search over. I'm going to look at the RNY again. My insurance will pay for that not too many questions asked.

I going to find a doctor that just does RNY that way I will feel more comfortable.

I start over.
January 13, 2005

I'm discouraged. It's a new year and I'm starting over. I have reviewed my options with my insurance. They are not going to approve the lap band. So after much soul searching, I'm going to go with the RNY.

I have read and study the RNY as much as the Lap Band. I ready to lose weight and this is what I have to do. I'm feel so much like I'm settling. Not getting what I want but what I want is to lose weight. I'm starting on my Journey to the RNY.

I have found a doctor I like that another lady I know had the RNY with and I'm going to start my paperwork with him. Hopefully by March 14th (my birthday) I will be on the losing side.

January 28, 2005

Well, I'm starting over! I'm filling out paper work. Got another doctor's appointment. I'm starting over! It's a new year. I was discouraged but now I am determined. The Lord and I have been having prayerful conversations and now I can look forward and stop being negative.

I haven't met my new doctor but have already heard 2 recommendation for him.

I can't wait to have my surgery. I think I need the rest that the hospital stay will afford. My family is great but boy are they a tiring bunch. Not really physically but mentally. I have a husband, daughter aged 19 (thinks she know everything) and a son aged 15 soon to turn 16 ( thinks he's an expert driver already.. yea right!) Calgon or the hospital somebody take me away!
April 1, 2005

I have gotten my approval letter from BCBS for the Gastric Bypass. But now I'm still waiting on my appointment to see the doctor I want to do the surgery. He is very busy. My appointment is not until June 2005. But I have talked to people who have Dr. Provost has a doctor so I think I will feel more comfortable with him as a doctor. I haven't met him yet but I hope I will feel comfortable with him. This is major surgery so I want the best I can get.

April 29, 2005

Talk about a waffler. What a difference 28 days make! Now I don't want to wait on Dr. Provost and want now want Dr. Veninga to do the surgery. What a wishy washy person. First I want the lap band then the RNY... then this doctor now that doctor. Make up your mind.

Now that is out of the way.

I have all may information and test and paperwork turned in to Dr. V. I should get some kind of good news of a surgery date soon. I would suppose. I'm on it. I'm ready.
May 20, 2005

Have gone to the Nutritionist that Dr. V. wanted me to see. That was on May 11th. Also saw Dr. V again on that day. That nutritionist lady is.....special. She is very good in explaining stuff. She really told me stuff that I didn't know. But my biggest gripe about someone who RECOMENDS products should have sample of those products. Can you see spending money on protein powders or vitamins that you might not like or even use. My friend how is going to Dr. Davidson has a nutritionist who gives samples, samples, and more samples. He doesn't want you to take something you don't like or doesn't agree with you. I think that is a better way to do things. But Dr. V nutritionist is very knowledgable.

June 2, 2005

I getting a little frustrated. I have all the paperwork in and have been approved. Have done everything need but still not have a surgery date. Why? I called the drs office to find out. I not really rushing but I want to feel like I'm thru with all the prelims.
June 17, 2005

I have a surgery date! 8-01-05. not frustrated anymore.
I went with my friend to a weigh loss seminar and I tell you they really are pushing the band. which is okay but they are villifying the rny now. saying it't too dangerous, too invasive, the death rate is too high. But they will admit it is the most use and tested of all weight loss surgery. I feel which every procedure is choosen its a personal choise. I have "weighed" the options and rny is best for me. My friend is going to be banded. I think that great for her.
June 20, 2005

I'm having second thoughts about have the open rny instead of a lap rny. Which one is best? My dr. is saying he only does it open to minimize any complication or mistakes that can be made. Is that right? I wonder. Lap would be so much less down down.
should I change doctors after I got a surgery date. I don't know now. I'll sleep on it another few days.
June 30, 2005

official count down to surgery. August 1st. Only 30 days away. I'm scared?, excited?, nervous? I don't know what I'm feeling. I getting my paperwork together because I plan on taking a medical leave of absence to recover. I have sick and vacation time to use because I've been hoarding it for a long time. When I decided to WLS, I knew to keep alot in the hole. My only other hurdle is coming up with money or the Optifast diet for 2 weeks.

July 15, 2005

I am nervous. A lady at my job had bypass surgery in May and anything that could go wrong, has gone wrong. I won't write about her personal trouble in my log but she has had 3 surgeries since. But she seem to be better now and even back to work.

I just keep thinking I can't AFFORD to be sick or debilitated too long after my surgery. And money is the word.
Sept. 1, 2005

My surgery was 08-01-05. It has taken me a whole month to recover. I have been so sick and sore I can't even say I glad I has the surgery yet. Everyone around me says that I will eventually say I was glad.

I has such bad gas in the hospital. I was so sick when they sent me home. My incision has not healed well. I'm back at work as of 08-29-05.

The protein drink tastes terrible but I drink it everyday. The liquid vitamins were hard to take, I switch to childrens chewable. The calcium is hard to take.

I'm now the pureed food part of the eating plan and I don't know what to eat. I really haven't had too much problem with any foods so far. But I'm completely clueless on what to eat. I'm just confused.

My body is confused and my mind is confused. I feel lost. I need to try and find a few support groups and go frequently.

I am down to 303 pounds. I don't see the lost. Everyone has told me I have lost weight.
Sept. 18, 2005

I'm feeling better. The confusion has abated. I feel a lot better about the surgery. I trying to feel like myself again.

Drinking lots of water and crystal lite. Protein (yuk), vitamins. Excercise. Being very good.

Sept. 29, 2005

Excercise. NO. Achilles tendon strain. Cannot even walk with out pain. I'm going to try water aerobics.

6 week follow up with doctor. Have lost 56 pounds total. But again I think that is an inflated number. I was on the liquid diet 2 weeks before surgery. I lost a few pounds then. But I'm under 300 pounds for the 1st time in 16 years!

I'm still having trouble eating. Nothing really taste good. Doctor is saying I'm "Fluid overloading". But liquid taste good and food doesn't. Sometime food hurts to eat but liquid doesn't. I keep my liquid to water and mostly low cal or no cal drinks.

Cannot do my protein shake anymore am going to try other protein methods that I have found on OH. That Nector stuff sounds good.

Oct. 9 2005

On my way to church this morning. Feeling pretty good. Starting to feel like my self. Still trying to learn to slow down when eating and drinking and to take my time.

Started eating salad. It went down very good. cut up in little pieces. No bad after effects. It seems I can eat pretty much anything as long as it doesn't have a high count of sugar. Well that not true can eat bread, torillia, rice or anything too starchy like pasta or too many cracker.

I am almost to the point of saying "I'm glad I had my surgery". My scar for the "open" surgery is ugly. But my husband doesn't seem to mind, and I guess the the main thing.

Oct. 29, 2005

I haven't weighed my self this month. I only weigh at the doctors office. I haven't seen the surgeon this month. Keep cancelling the appointment. Then he had to cancel. I have to call and get in early next month. I also need to do my mammogram and got to my primary care doctor for blood work.

This month has been really bad financially. My husband was in a hit and run accident. Mess up my car. Now I driving my poor son's car and that is the only transportation we have now. So have been again neglecting myself trying to fix all my family's problems. My daughter's car is broke down. Been giving her rides back and forth to work. Everything at once. I went on 2 job interviews this month. I wasn't looking they were looking for me!

I have really been blessed this month. The Lord help me get my electric bill paid and my husband has been accepted in to a training program. My son has done really well in football this year. My daughter might be getting a new job with more pay. So the Lord has blessed me even though I was "crying" about my financial stuff.

I have been receiving compliament about my weight loss but I can't see it. My clothes are very loose but I really not seeing what everyone else sees. Maybe soon.

Went to my primary care doctor for blood work today. Their scale says I lost 12 pounds. That should put me at 286 or so. But I don't trust their scale. Only scale I trust is at the WLS doctors office. I have an appointment for the 16th, so I see what that says.

I am trying not to get so worked up about the numbers. My knees and ankles feel so much better now. I'm not taking my blood pressure meds because the doctor says I'm so borderline she doesn't want me to take them.

I really love my primary care doctor. She is go great. She has been my biggest cheerleader through all of this journey. She wants my surgery records and ask all the right questions. I picked such a good doctor. She told me how great I was looking yesterday. And spent time just complimenting me on my weight loss and blood pressure. Again she's great.

Speaking of numbers. When I look at where I started. 356 now down to 286. What am I crying about. I keep telling people it didn't take overnight to gain weight. I won't be overnight to loose it. I have really lost weight! I need to stop whining. That is good. I would have never excepted to me under 300 in a long time.

Big props to me!


Went to the doctor 11-16-05 have officially lost 77 pounds. So that makes me around 279 now. Wow.

I am drinking my water. Taking my vits. but the doctor wants me to take more. More calcium, more b-complex. etc. It's too much but I'm doing it. It like a take vit or meds all day long. I'm not hungry because of all the vits. Multi vits, b-complex, vit A, Potassium, calcium. man there has got to be a better way.

Should not complain. I could still weight 356+ pounds.

I was going to see my mother for thanksgiving but had car troubles. She has not seen me since the surgery. She will be very pleasantly surprised. She knows I had surgery but she doesn't like it. But when she see the results, I'll think she'll be happy for me.
My mom is my idol. She is smart, pretty, independent. I hope to be just like her when I'm 72 almost 73 years old. She looks great for her age and still catches all the old men around the area. Running the town she is. When I'm 72 I want to be doing it to it like my mom.

Well, Happy New year. I have not updated in a long time. I was waiting for my next check up, which is in Feb. But I didn't want to wait that long.

My husband bought me new bras for Christmas. I was thinking why do I need new bras? Well obviously people see you better then you see yourself. He bought sizes 42DD, 40D and 40DD. The 40DD fit perfect. I was stil wearing my 46DD. I thought it fit fine. I took the other ones back and got them in 40DD. I can't believe the difference. It does make a difference about wearing the correct size bra. My friend thought it still looked a little big. But I measured myself and it fits. I should have had a professional bra measurement done.

New Years eve was the most fun I have had in years. We went to a party and I wore jeans, and a halter type shirt. At first I didn't want to take off my jacket. But as every one started complimenting me on how great I look, I took off the jacket. My arms were bare. I have those bat wings in the tricep area. But as long as I don't hold my arm to the side its really not that noticable. It's not really gross or anything. I danced. I have always dance fat or not. But I danced and danced and had a really good time. What a way to start the New Year. Now I could have gone to church service that night......hmmmm.

Christmas day, I went to church with my son, daughter and her boyfriend. We had a very, very nice time.

I have been exercising every day sometimes 2x per day. I have a really good routine I made up from stuff I read and researched. Its easy to do in the morning and evening. And I sweat like a pig each time. I challenge myself by using hand weight sometimes. I'm really proud of myself. And I'm actually using my excersie equipment I bought 6 months ago.

I have not weighed myself since the November doctor appointment. I don't own a scale. I will get weighed in Feb. I know my clothes are falling off. My knees feel great. My husband has said I have started to snore again though. But I don't want to be a scale junkie. Worrying about gaining a pound, losing 2 pounds and that stuff. I have not bought anything new for myself (that's not true, I did buy some socks) so all the clothes that I am wearing are from people who have had wls and are handing them down. Which is way cool because, I don't like to shop like that.. just every great once in a while I will get the shopping bug. I have been given some great stuff. A leather coat. Jogging outfits, fancy shirts, skirts, entire outfits. I really have more clothing now then I did before.

Since I am proud of myself for the excerise routine, I do plan on buying myself a new pair of jeans. Maybe this month.

I go to see my mother early next month. She has not seen me since the surgery. I,m kind of scared. She didn't like the idea of wls. But I think she will be proud of me. But my Mom would alway tells me how beautiful I was even at my heaviest weight. I have never doubted that my Mother thinks I am beautiful no matter what anyone else says or thinks. I remember one time when I was 17 years old my Mother and I were talking and sitting really close to each other. She took my hand and kissed it. She kissed my hand like new mothers kiss their new born babies hands. It was so sweet that I will never forget that. My babies are 20 and almost 17 and I make sure that I kiss their hand like that every once in while to let them know they are still my babies and I cherish them.

By next update I will see how much I weigh. I'm kind of excited. It's almost like a treat!


Why am I scared to buy new clothes?

I have been trying to syke myself up all day to go try on some jeans.

My husband ( he's a musician) has a concert next Saturday. I have a top picked out but want to buy a pair of jeans that fit.

I'm scared? Why?

I never really liked to shop. Not because of my weight, I'm just not a mall or shopping for a bargin type of person. I usually let my friend (that loves to shop) know what I'm looking for ie.. gift, birthday present, bras, etc and when she find something (she knows what I like) she'll get it. Most the people who know me know I'm that way. That's the reason (see earlier post) my husband went and tried to buy me new bras.

I will shop when it needed. I'm not scared of crowds or any other weird thing.

But I really am scared (is that the right word?) or may be hesitant about buying a pair of jeans. First I think I might have an aversion to trying stuff on. I just usually got the biggest size ( by sight) and bought it. Now I'm not sure what size to start.

The 2 pair of jeans I do have are size 26 and made out of the streach demin.. both are too big and baggy but I wear them anyway.

I better pray on this. I can't figure out why my inside self feels this is such a big deal?

March 1, 2006

I went to the wls doctor on 2/15/06. I have officially (drum roll please) lost over 100 lbs. Hurray! I weigh 241. I'm was very shocked. I did not expect to be down that much. My husband kept saying that I had lost over 100 but I just didn't and still don't see it.

Since November, I have been exercising very regularly. About every day. Some Sundays off. I keep a log of my work outs. I joined the Body Challenge on discovery and have been using the Bally's gym membership for water aerobics. Very fun.

My blood work is great. No issues. I take my vitiamins and supplements very regularly. I have gotten into a routine and it works for me. My family has helped. They know when I like to exercise and pretty much leave me alone.

When I worry about eating or eating right I use the fitday to track my consumption. I very rarely eat over 1000 calories. Must days it is way under.

I have to say (pat on the back), I'm really proud of my accomplishments.

March 8, 2006

Went to the doctor yesterday. Was feeling very sick. Chills fever. I exercised that morning thinking that would make me feel better. Could not catch my breath.

Went to the doctor have bronchitis. No air getting to the left lung. The primary care doctor (who is such a wonderful woman and my biggest cheerleader for the surgery) gave me a breathing treatment and an antibiotic shot. That shot hurt! But I have to get well fast because I have a business trip to Cleveland Thursday and Friday.

This will be my first time on a plane since the surgery. I will be very curious to see how I fit. Will I need a seat belt extender? Will I have to walk side ways to get down the plane aisle? I nervous but excited too. Another new chapter, traveling and being over 100 pounds less.

Also had a weigh in at the doctors, scales says 234. Down from 241 on 2-15-06 at the surgeons office/scale. I notice that the primary doctor scale always gives me 3 to 4 pounds more then what the surgeons scales does. But I'm happy that 7 pounds in less then a month. My surgeon doesn't want his patients after 3 months to loose more then 12 pounds a month. He believes you loose more muscle then fat if it more then that. I'm on track.
March 21, 2006

My trip to Cleveland was enlighting. I didn't need a seat belt extender. I pretty much stayed my hip flab in my own side of the seat. The arm rest down still was not comfortable. It came down but I felt kinda closed in.

I went to my corporate office in Cleveland. No one had seen me since the surgery. Everybody was sooooo nice. Very complimentry.

So it was my must comfortable plane ride in years. I even fit down the aisle.

My husband is such a good sport thru all of this journey. He taken my mood swings in stride. He is a big cheerleader and compliments me all the time. I did loose weight in one if his favorite body parts (breastestest) but he is being very good about that too.

I see my 20 soon to be 21 year old daughter picking up weight. I very afraid for her. She use to me very athletic in high school and when she went to college on a track scholarship. Now she just cooks and eats. I see myself early on in her. I try not to preach but I let her know that's how my morbid obesity started. She's just like me always the big girl in school. Not fat just taller and heavier. But athletic. I was the same. I use to run very fast, played short stop and center field softball, was very, very good. Then life happened. College, marriage, babies, weight gain, no excerise. Moms worry.
April 10, 2006

Weighed myself this weekend when I took my son to physical therapy. I weight (drum roll please) 224. Wow! I'm impressed with myself. 224 is less then my husband. Haven't weigh less then him since..... can remember. I very amazed. I would like to get under 200 but if my weight loss stopped today. I would be happy and very satisfied. From 365 to 224 yes I'm happy.

Still working out sometimes 2x per day. Still eating right (for the most part). Still taking Sundays off (most Sundays). Still thanking God for my life, family and health. Every day.
My mantra. Peace, Healing, Thanks. Amen.

April 22, 2006

Weighed myself at my son's physical therapy office again. Down to 221. From 224 on April 10th. 3 pounds is 3 pounds I'll take it. I think I'm to that part of weight loss where everything is redistributing. Everyone including my husband is saying you have lost so much weight this month. I don't think it the weight loss I think it the exercise.

I really try to exercise 2x a day. I get up early in the morning for 20 or 30 minutes of working out. Then in the evening after work try to walk outside or in home and toning exercise for 30 to 40 minutes. Have really been trying to work out every day. Now Sunday’s I call my “day of rest” but sometimes I will work out even then. So I really believe its exercise not weight loss that is making me look different this month.

I am really working hard to get under 200. Really 175 is my goal. Doctor all is 204 or something ridicules (but probably sensible) I like 175 but even if I didn’t loose another pound.. I would be happy right now. Like I am. I really want to use this surgery to the best of my ability. And being happy with my energy and extended life is enough. I don’t have to live by the scale number.

May 12, 2006.

I really need to weigh myself! I haven't weighed since April sometime. I think I'm still have phobia of scales. I don't have one at home.

I need to see my primary care doctor and that will take care of weighing myself. My doctor is great. She fully support me and gives me so much encouragement and compliaments when I see her. She is a little bitty and I mean little Asian lady besides that she is a great, great doctor. Wonderful to talk to about your concern. Soft hands and eyes the treat you gentle from when I was 360 to now. She asked for all my surgery records and got them from the WLS surgeon. She has ALL my wls surgery info. A great doctor.

Next time I post I hope to have weighed. I FEEL I'm doing well. I feel good but I would guess weight is the almight benchmark.

I don't want to be stupid or anything but I kind of like my weight right now. I like being sorta plump but I keep saying I didn't have surgery to be sorta "plump". But I still feel really good where I am now.

July 3, 2006

Have been working a 2nd job at night. But still working out in the morning. Getting up at 5am to sweat is worth it. I have been very consistent with my workouts. For the entire month of April and May I was working out am and pm. Now that I work at night I miss my pm working out and my water aerobics. But for the sake of this extra money on the 2nd job some things have to go.

I feel good. Tired but well. I have to post a picture really soon. My family is actually asking me when I am going to STOP losing weight. Are they serious! I riding this bus/train/elevator/taxi to the last stop! I haven't weighed myself in forever but I do know I have no clothing that fits, not even underwear. I have to wear an 18 or below because my 20 jeans don't fit (and I got big hips too). So I’m happy and pretty proud of myself.

I go to my primary care doctor Monday for the Annual stuff so I will know how much I weight then.

Eating well but now starting to crave carbs more. But found an almost cure have been eating a carb filled breakfast and the takes me thru the day. Like cereal or grits or English muffins... those carbs wake me up and hold me for the day.

Going to the primary care physician today. Will get weighed. No matter what the number I am going to be happy with my results. I have to get my annual stuff done and a bone density scan for my WLS surgeon for my 1 year appointment. 1 year. I am so shocked. It has been 11 months since the surgery. I am really a different person in some ways. I feel better. My knees feel better. I exercise every day practically and even jog a little. ME jogging, even a little. What a difference a year makes or 11 months right now.

I hate shopping and am going today after my doctor appointment to find at least 1 pair of pants that fit! If I find 1 pair I will be happy. I can’t seem to make myself happy to shop for clothing. I like it so much better when people give me stuff. That way I don’t have to make the clothing decisions.

Now I do like home depot, half priced books and Wal-Mart (food and other stuff) but I don’t even shop at those places a lot. Grocery stores are my shopping place for food and toilet paper. What else do you need!


July 8, 2006.

Went to the doctor... I weigh.... drum roll please...... 202 or 198 depending on what scale you use at their office. That is a 4 pound difference! Either one 202 or 198 I like it! I'll take it. Now when I go to see the WLS doctor in August; I hope to be really offically in onederland! WOW.

The new pants I bought in size 18 ( I refused to try anything on) don't fit. the waist is too big. I can't believe I wear a 16. I don't know how to shop for a 16. I like being a 20 better. I know how to shop for a 20, but size 16 NO. I need shopping help. I just can't even bring myself to return them. I will just wear them big. With a belt they will stay up.

I'm still very glad to be loosing. Have picture to update soon.

July 27, 2006

One year coming up really soon. Have a 1 year follow up at the WLS doctor. I 'm pretty proud of myself. I guess I looking or affirmation from the doctor that I have done well.

I broke down and bought size 16. They fit. Of course I didn't try them on in the store. I was perfectly willing to take them back for a larger size. I don't know how to be a 16. I don't know how to shop or dress like size 16. I think I'm actually afraid of getting smaller? How ridiculous but I really feel that way. I have always been the BIG girl. I can't even image myself as another person. Below a 16 .... I'm not ready.

Still trying to update those pictures.

August 9, 2006

Went for my 1 year check up today with the weight loss doctor. OFFICIALLY have lost a total of 166 pounds? Weird. That was from my first consultation visit. I lost some weight before the actual surgery. So I think it would be more like 136 pounds or so since the surgery. I’ll have research a little. But I think that would have to be right. The doctor scales (the only scale I trust) said 188.5 pounds. I'm pretty impressed.

What a difference a year makes! I can’t even begin to put my feeling in words right now. All I can say is… wow, weird, wonderful and wow.

Sept 22, 2006.

Down to 183. WOW.

I actually bought a scale. A digital scale. CAN anyone who has read my profile actually believe that?

I still don't like to weigh myself but since I am eating more I just want to make sure at least once a week I am not going the wrong way. So far I'm not. Down about 5 more pounds. Feeling good. Exercise ALMOST everyday. Still trying to live by at least working out for 15 mins if nothing else. I have some Leslie Samsone walking tapes and that really works for that philosophy because a 1-mile work takes about 18 to 20 mins and has to make at least 20 mins for myself every day.

There are a few days when I have been feeling sorry for myself so I haven’t worked out but that is not very often.

What energy I have now. When people use to say…..” I lost weight and gained so much energy…” I use to roll my eyes all up in my head. But have to say… it’s true. I have taken all home improvement projects I have always given lip service to but never did.
Painted the living by myself. Starting on the bathroom and kitchen. I’m excited. Living room came out really good.

My walk with the Lord is progressing. I even fell more filled with spirit and I really don’t know why because 146 pounds lost shouldn’t make you any more or less filled with the love of the Lord but I guess I just feel that way. God has blessed me greatly over this past year. He has always blessed me maybe I’m just “seeing” it more?


October 16, 2006

My weight is waffling. Sometimes 180, sometimes 185. (see what happens when you get a scale at home!)

I started the scale thing. But I haven't been on it in 2 weeks though the urge is STRONG. I like how I look in my clothes. Still working out and sweatin' up a storm. Everyone cannot believe it when I say I way 183 or so... Everyone thinks I look alot smaller. Well I alway did "wear" my weight well.

I don't really have a goal weight for myself but I really want to work on loosing as much as I can before the "honeymoon" is over.

My loose skin is not really bad. My underarms are bagging but not gross or anything. My thighs and stomach are hanging but nothing I can't deal with. I miss by breasts! I'm so use to being a well endowed women. The itty, bitty, committee does not suit me!

Compliments everywhere. Finally learning to smile and say thank you instead of feeling embarassed.

Nov 12, 2006

Feeling Good! Weight waffling around 182 some times 179. Wow! Still exercise everyday at least 30 minutes. Doing a lot of weight training to tone up. Still wearing my size 16 and 18 but all are too big BUT again I don’t like to shop.

I really want to visit my sister in law in DC so she can take me shopping. I hate to shop or maybe still too scared to shop. Does that sound right? I should be happy to wear smaller sizes right? Not sure I am. I just can’t get into it. I like it when people give me stuff because that way I don’t have to make a decision about clothing.

Now my situation is getting kind of desperate. I only have 3 or 4 pairs of pants that even fit. And 2 pairs of those are 18 and I can honestly say I don’t wear that size any more. I got them pinned up though!

Oh well when I only got underwear (all are too big) to wear I guess I’ll go shopping. I really need a professional bra sizing too.

Not sure how much weight I still want to lose. Just riding the train.
Dec 1, 2006.

Thank the Lord doing very well. Still hovering around 180 to 183 sometimes down to 178. Still exercising, drinking water.

Not really losing weight just maintaining. Wonder sometimes of I'm eating too much now. Still eat really healthy. Not sure maybe this is the maintaining situation. I was really hoping to lose another 10 maybe 15 pounds so when I gain or rebound some weight back after the 18 months to 2 year thing; I will be around the 180 point. I'll just have to work hard at maintaining if that is the case.

I can't really say that I don't like myself where I am. I do but always have that fear of gaining back; of going back. I try to keep fear out of ny life and trust in the Lord. (I'm working on that).

I am still a work in progress and as Joyce Meyer has said " I'm not where I want to be but thank God I'm not where I use to be!" It's a work in progress.

Jan. 10 2007

Happy belated New Year!

Well what can I say? I still weigh between 183 and 179. Thank the good Lord for seeing me this far.

I seem to have stop losing weight but I quess all the exercise I do must really be firming me up in places because everyone insist I'm still loosing weight. Even my husband!

But I have been very steady at the range for a few months now.
Even when I was very large no one ever thought I weighed that much. Not even my mother. I guess I'm one of those people who "carry" my weight well? I tell people I weigh around 180 pounds and folks don't believe it. Everyone is thinks I weigh less.

The reality is I weigh (given what day or time of the month) between 179 and 183.

Now for my phobia. I still can't buy clothes. I don't know how to shop. Thank the good, good Lord for friends and people that care. I have been given clothes by others. I hate to write this but I wouldn't even have underwear that fits. Now I have purchased bras. It was hard. Not the right sizes either.

I can't bring myself to throw away or better yet give away any of my large clothes. I can feel myself feel nervous now when I even think about it. Why? I should want to be free. It has been approxiamately...17 months since the surgery. Why do I still have that mental thing going on? Do I feel I don't "deserve" new clothes? I don't know. That is something I still have to work on. I even went to a discount clothing place. One of those everything for 6.99 or something. I couldn't find anything. Everything I thought was cute was in the plus size. I thought anyway. I bought nothing.

I do have clothes to wear. Sometimes its the same thing over and over and sometime too large but I'm going to pray and meditate on my problem before I tackle it again.

So Hurray for Pam! Steady at 183 or so.


Feb 11, 2007

Well, a milestone in my life. I have no more little babies. My "baby" is now 18. He is now 6' 215 lbs (more or less) bundle of joy. Where has the time gone? I remember when I could not be out of his eye sight for too long. I remember when he always wanted to know my opinion or what I thought. He still needs me but his independence scares me and make me proud at the same time. I know if I die today.... ( I am saved. I will be with the my Lord) that he could take care of himself and do it very well.

What am I going to do with myself next year? No high school activities this or that? I'm going to have to get a hobby other then working out.

Speaking of working out. I have not exercised in 2 weeks or so. I have started a 2nd job. The training in 40 hours a week at night. SO I have been working for 7am to 3pm at my 1st job and 4:pm to 12:30am at the 2nd job. But that is for training. 1 more week and I will be strictly part time on the 2nd job. Then I can get back to my workout schedule. I really miss it. I enjoy that time with myself and thoughts and sweat.

My weight has been fluctuating since I am not exercising and eating later in the evening. I have gain a few pounds then lost it. So I think my body is trying to figure out what is going on. Also living on 4 or so hours sleep at night has not really been good either. So I really will be happy to go back to a NORMAL schedule.

It really funny to meet people who have never know you has heavy. I actually has someone call me "skinny". When I was eating lunch at the 2nd job, I was eating some health something and someone remarked that was the reason I was so skinny. "Skinny" me. I can't even see myself that context.

Well a break though. I actually bought a pair of pant! Size 14. I feel like a sausage in them. But my hubby says that I now have a pair of pants that fit. I don't know, maybe they do but I'm just not comfortable yet with clothes that fit THAT well. Still working on that. Will update later on my obvious psychological shopping problem.

I thank God every day for all I have. I thank God for his grace and mercy and the forgiving my sins. I thank God for my family and friend. I thank God for the material things I have that make my life easier. I thank God for my jobs. I thank God for giving me the courage to have this surgery. Surgery has improved the quality of my life.

And again I want to to remind others that I was never "Unhappy" with myself when I was larger, I just know I could be better.

Peace, Healing, Thanks.


April 20, 2007

Haven't updated in forever. I have been working 2 jobs since January. I call it my "college fund job" because that will be as close as my son will have to getting a college fund.

My hubby is moving to Oklahoma for a job. I'm happy but sad. I happy he has found a job he really wants and wants to do. I'm sad because he is leaving. I sad because he wants to leave and leave me behind. As anyone who has read the above story. They can tell I'm not really a girlie type woman. I like to paint, fix plumbing, work on cars (when I know how)... I really don't like to shop for clothes or really care about clothes or make up or hair. I'm very functional. He doesn't think I am romantic or womenly enough. So he is trying to get away from me so "I" can decide if I want to me the woman he wants me to be. I have to admit....I not a really kissy, huggy every time I see you "I luv you" type of person. But I really thought that I was showing my love. But I was told that anybody can do that or you'd have to do that anyway. I think what really hurts bad is he didn't even ask me to go with him. He just made the decision I wouldn't or he didn't want me. I'm sad.
I'm not saying divorce or anything but it is a seperation he wants. I'm sad, but I can't show I'm sad or accusations will fly. I can't be sad infront of my family or children. I have to act like everything is okay but it's not ... not for me.

I am not a cry baby but I feel pretty weepy now.

Now how does all that relate to wls? It might somehow. Maybe I'm not familiar anymore. Maybe I'm too different. I don't feel different. I look different but I don't feel my personality has changed.

My weight has been steady. I like where I am. Well, I did like it up until the leaving situation.

Tomorrow is my daughter's birthday. She will be 22. I was that age when I had her. She has no children.

Best healing.



May 4, 2007

Weepy no more. I feel strong and determined. Everything happens for a reason. Everything happens in the Lord's time not mine.

So my husband is gone to another city to work. He misses me I know and I miss him. But I'm not depressed or crying. I know after 21 years of marriage our marriage can stand the seperation. I feel confident that the foundation that we have built will with stand. I WAS feeling the house was built on sand. But found it built on rock. Maybe not granite but some strong stone. It can with stand. Maybe I'm not the "girly" type of woman my husband wants but I am a good, hardworking, loving person. I might not be a type but I was given good advise to let him know he is needed. And I have done that.

Today my son is going to his senior prom. He is so handsome. When did he grow up! He was just 8 a few years ago and I use to be his best girl. I'm jealous, how come I'm not the best girl anymore? Did he grow up fast or what? I give all the glory to the Lord for that little boy.

Take care and remember my favorite saying, the one I forget when I was crying in my last post.... "In the book of life, the answers are NOT in the back." --- Charlie Brown. Also have to leave with another saying I really like ... "If I won't be myself, who will?" --- Alfred Hitchcock (really think about that one!)

May 24, 2007

My husband came home last week end for my son's graduation from high school......BOY DID WE HAVE FUN!

We went to the movies on Friday saw Shrek 3. Went to the graduation on Saturday. Saturday night went to the Wildflower festival, art, music, crafts thing. We went specifically to see Morris Day and the Time (what happened to Jerome?) We danced and sang (gigolos get lonley too!) We had a blast. All our times should be like that. We should really enjoy each other company more.

Have NOT been exercising in so long, I will have to start in the beginners mode again. I have been working 2 jobs and just haven't had the energy or time to fit in my work outs. Now I'm suppose to start my part time working from home so I hope I can get back to my exercise routine. I miss it. I really miss the sweating and spending meaningful time doing something for myself. I feel like I had more energy when I was exercising regular. I need to start again. Nothing wrong with starting at the beginning again. I will build my stamina back up.

The Lord is blessing me so much. I feel peace in my life and soul.
Long way from feeling sorry for myself.

To feel rich, count the things that money CANNOT buy.

June 22, 2007

Well, I am a few months away from 2 years. Where has time flown to? I am still happy I had WLS. No matter how many negative things I see on TV or hear people say about "people taking the easy way", I KNOW it is not easy. It is not easy breaking the habits of a lifetime. It's not easy exercising, taking vitamins, protein, b12. It's not easy still seeing yourself as fat even after 2 years. It's not easy going to a resturant, ordering food like you are really going to eat all of it. (It's a mental thing).

I tell people who ask me about WLS ... Yes, it hurt physically but the mental part is the hardest. You can't "SEE" yourself anymore. You can't hide your pain or fustration in food anymore. It's hard metally.
But I always say... I'm HAPPY I did it.

My hubby still working out of town and that is really working out well. My son getting ready for college. My daughter getting ready to return to college too. The Lord has blessed this family greatly. I just want to keep obeying God so he will continue to bless me and anyone I encounter.

My weight flucuates and I get scared (but quickly pray) I am pretty steady between 179 to 183. I'm happy with that weight. Most people would call that failure. I call that goal. From 360 to 183. I'll take it!

"One of the greatest moments in anybody's developing experience is when he no longer tries to hide from himself but determines to get acquanited with himself as he really is"....... Dr. Norman Vincent Peale.

I'm trying to live up to that statement. I am a work in progress.

August 3, 2007

My 2 year anniversary kind of came and went. I need to make a yearly appointment at with WLS doctor.

How do feel after 2 years? The same. I'm the same person with the weight or with out. I've learned alot about myself , about my body about my family. I have lost the weight but I have not lost the person I was in the beginning.

I read back on my log and see I was not an unhappy person when I weighed 360. I don't have self hate going on in my story. I don't talk about how I could not stand to look at myself and other self hate stories I see on other profiles. I liked my self then at 360 and I like myself now at 187. I had health problems caused by my weight .... but I had a husband and family that still love me at 360 just like now at 187. My husband and children tell me all the time how proud they are of me and how far I have come.

I thank the Lord for seeing me though the tough 6 months after surgery. I thank the Lord for letting get up every morning (no pain in my knees) and exercise and breath and feel the joy of moving and living. I thank the Lord for my family, friend, OH friends and doctors. I thank the Lord I have been well enough and strong enough to hold 2 jobs these last 8 months. I thank the Lord my son is going to college next week. I thank the Lord my husband found a job he really wanted. I thank the Lord for his mercy because I have fallen short of the mark everyday that I live but I feel and know his forgiveness and mercy.

I use to read other profiles of people that were 2 years or 3 years out and would marvel about their lives and how far they have come.

Now I marvel at how far I have come!

2 years.

1. Pray (for guidance everyday)
2. Live (no matter what the weight)
3. Exercise (try to everyday even if for 10 to 15 minutes)
4. Eat (High protein, healthy, but not deprived)
5. Laugh (humor is everywhere)
6. Love (Lord, family, friend)

I've come so far and learned so much. Been blessed to the nth degree.

"To feel rich, count all the things you have the money CAN'T buy"


October 13, 2007

Where did September go? I miss updating in September. How rude of me!

September was really with out too much consequence. Everything is still much status quo.
I am STILL working two jobs. My husband is STILL working out of town. My son
Is in college. My daughter still is working. Nothing too much has changed. My weight
Is steady at between 183 to 186. Sometimes down to 179 but not much below that
I have not been to my 2 year check up the WLS surgeon. I have been have other medical
Issues that I just had surgery on this past Friday. Now that I’m fixed with that (woman’s
problems), I can update with my WLS surgeon for the yearly check up.

I still hate to shop for clothes. But since I have lost so much weight I have no one to give me stuff now. So whatever I have in my closet is what I wear. No I did have a lady a work that lost weight from size 16 on down who gave me some clothing. (very grateful) Got a lot of new JEANS. And if anybody reads this stuff they know how I hate to try on stuff in stores. So I am very happy for the
new jeans.

I thank the Lord for my family. They are such a blessing to me every day. Even though my son is at college he calls me very day (cell phone, we have the same plan). My husband contacts me via email or phone everyday. Now my daughter who live in the same town, I might hear from every few days or so, but she does
email me from work.

It has not been over 2 years since WLS, WOW. I can’t believe how health minded I am now. I exercise almost everyday. I give myself days off when I know I have done too much and am too tired to exercise effectively. I watch what I eat. Still can’t do milk, eggs, sugar, bananas and now all of the sudden, watermelon and oranges come back on me. Really into the no sugar added fruit bars that are at Kroger’s. I still love sweets even if they are “fake” sweets. So I am always looking for the sugar free or no sugar added stuff. Now sugar free have to watch that because too much Slenda makes my stomach start talking, growling and rumbling and just making noise, causing bowel irritation. Have to watch that Slenda and sugar alcohol stuff.

One thing I find just really amazing is when people call me “skinny”. I wear a size 16, (I know, I know, I could probably fit a 14, but I’m not going to try on clothes, anytime soon anyway. I can’t imagine the word “skinny” and “Pam” being associated with each other.

I thank the Lord every day for the surgery. For the guts to have it. For my doctor and all the support that came with it. My family is so supportive, my primary doctor, my neighbors, friends, co-workers. It’s really lovely to have positive people give you that positive lift. I try to give that positive lift back too.

I will stop rambling.

Peace, Healing and Thanks,




Well Happy Thanksgiving (I’m late). I hope anyone reading had a very happy turkey day. Let me tell you I have had some fun! First the week end before Thanksgiving I fried turkeys. I fried 3 turkeys and my friend fried 2 and another friend from work fried 1 turkey. We were turkey frying fools! Now for all the people who have not ate fried turkey before, all I can say is, it is the way to eat turkey so moist. My cousin has the nice turkey fryer with basket insert so you don’t have to use the coat hanger thing to lower the turkey, just put it in a basket and lower it in to the oil. We had a good time that day. It was a nice Saturday and we just sat around and listened to music and watched turkeys fry that day. We got so fry happy because of all that oil, we went and got corny dogs for the kids and fried those (just like the fair) and then at the very end of the evening, got some fish and had a fish fry. We started about 10 am in the morning and about time everyone left (because had other people stopping by all day) it was 10pm at night… but what a good day!

Thanksgiving was great because the turkey was already done. I just made dressing, mac and cheese, mash potatoes (have to admit used instant) and corn. I did not bake this year I bought a cake and pie. My kids bought pecan pies and my husband bought a barbeque brisket (smoked) that was wonderful. So there really was not that much cooking. We just watched football and had a great family time. My daughter and I fixed plates for some of her friends (there was and is still plenty of food left).

Thank you Lord for such a wonderful day.

Now, how does all this tie into WLS? Well, I ate some turkey and dressing but that was all I could manage and it really took me all day to eat it. I can eat most things but just not large quantities. I still cannot do milk and eggs. I can do some refined sugar but not in any large amount. But I tend to stay away from sugar, causes bowel irritation and those shakes and sweats, not worth it.

I am still exercising. That is a way of life with me now. I do try to get lazy sometimes but I let myself have lazy days because I usually exercise every morning. So I if I have a morning, I just don’t feel like exercising, I don’t. I have enough bank built up and it keeps me more motivated on some level knowing I can have a day off not planned but when it suits me. Also my body tells me to slow down. Like my back is sore so I will not do any aerobics or strenuous exercise… I will do my yoga and stretching, which helps my back to feel better. I do have to say that I really and into sweating every day. Even if it’s just working in the yard or walking / running the dog… or Pilates. Yoga or stretching all can still make you sweat. I try to sweat every day.

Now that I am 2 years and 3 months out…. I still act like the fat lady. I still look at chairs and booths very closely before I sit down. They are just long standing habits of a big girl. When I look in the mirror I now see a slimmer person. I like who I see. (I’ve always liked who I was) Now I really see the benefit and feel the benefit of the weight loss and I can honestly say I am happier. I never really felt so unhappy before but the weight loss has brought me new freedom I didn’t know I was missing. Strange?

Take care,
“The very act of believing creates strength on its own” Can that statement be truer?


Merry Christmas.

I am having a Merry Christmas holiday. There is not much gift giving this year but that's okay. Most of my money to going to college to finish paying for my son's first semester in school. And I thank the Lord for that; I would rather use my money for that future then for things that don't last.

I feel very happy. I am looking forward to the New Year.

1. I have not been to the WLS doctor for my yearly check up (I’m bad). I will get that done in January. 2. I have not done my mammogram this year. (I'm bad). I will get that done in January.
My excuse... I've been working. (2 jobs). I've even been slacking on my exercise (lazy). I have GAINED a few pounds and I am not happy with myself. Now I see that my daily exercise is so very essential for maintaining my weight loss. I like my weight around 183. That is MY ideal weight. I go down to 178 or up to 185, but more then 185 is bad very bad and right now I am above 185. I am not happy with myself but not down on myself, I am getting back on track. Exercising like I should. I am really not eating badly but I was not moving everyday like I should.

To maintain my weight at 183 I have to eat 3 good meals a day and exercise. (Very easy really) I still have to instill in myself that I don’t have to exercise 1 hour every day but just moving for 10 mins here and there or 20 mins just some type of sweating everyday is what I need to maintain my weight and life style.

Still am not a shopper. Still wearing the same clothes. New years resolution.. to buy a new bra!

Merry Christmas. Happy New Year.

Life is what we make it.
Always has been.
Always will be.
--- Grandma Moses.

Feb 10 2008.

Oh my goodness I missed a month of updating my profile. Bad Pam.

What was I doing in January 2008? Oh yeah, still working 2 jobs. I have been working
2 jobs for over a year now. I call my second job the “college fund” because that is the only college fund my kids will have!

I gained weight! I cannot believe it but then I can believe it. I really eat like a little hog over the holidays. I had fried turkey, dressing, and potatoes. Eat until I was miserable. Exercise off and on. I can believe it. Now 6 pounds might not be just holy cow weight but I’m not going to pretend I wasn’t surprised.

Well to counter the weight gain the entire month of January 2008 I exercised every day. Keep a food journal. My water intake was the same because I still do about 96 to 108 or more water a day (and the bathroom can vouch for that). I lost the weight plus more. But that was a serious wake up call of how fast it can start coming back at two and half years out. Now I do have to admit when I gained the weight, I really liked how my behind looked. My husband like it and he thought the breast where a little fuller and nice. I just wonder if I should have kept those 6 pounds. When I go see my WLS doctor, I going to ask. I mean I’ve been hovering around 179 to 183 for at least a year. Maybe this is my maintainable weight.

When I had dinner with friends that last week, everyone was remarking about how skinny I looked. They could feel my bones when hugging me… I weigh again around 183 or a little less at that time. I just don’t think 183 is skinny. I told them that I weigh around 183. And everyone says you must just wear you weight well because you don’t look or feel 183.

That really got me thinking… Is the scale too powerful? Yes, I gained 6 pounds over the holidays but my clothes still fit fine. I still wear 16 because I feel more comfortable (everyone still says my clothes are too baggy). But I can get in 14 if I choose. I only weight myself 1 time per week. But when I saw that 6 pounds I almost came unglued.

DH is still working out of state. Our relationship is doing well after 21 years. We are finding the absence does make the heart grow founder and every time we see each other it’s like a mini honeymoon. Very fun and romantic.

Peace. Healing. Thanks.


May 1, 2008

I cannot believe I would wait 2 months to post on my little blog site here.

Shame on me.

Yes, I’ve been busy. Still working 2 jobs but it’s like I’m neglecting my friends.

My DH is still working out of town. My son is finishing the first year of college. My daughter age 23 now has been living back at home for over 6 months now.

My life has proceeded. The only new thing might be the car I bought. Then gas goes up over $3 per hour… blast. I was driving a 4 cylinder Hyundai Accent 1997 now I have a 2001 Oldsmobile Alero. Praise God. I’d been asking for another car., That Hyundai or Old green as I call her has been a great car. I would have never bought a Hyundai before I got that car… now I would (if I had the money) buy a new one if I could. But I am happy with the New To Me car I have now.

Now as for weight, still weighing in at around 183. Sometime less, some time more but average. I eat right. Splurge sometimes (French fries) but for the most part am pretty satisfy with what I can eat. Suddenly cannot do too much Slenda anymore. And the smell of watermelon makes be sick. I use to live on watermelon last summer. Strange. Still cannot do too much sugar. I ate ½ of a ½ of chocolate chip muffin and thought the world was coming to an end. I was in the bathroom at work, stuff coming out both ends. Bad reaction. But that is not common. I just watch it..

I will be 3 years out in August. Sometimes I see the woman who has lost weight, but most times I still have the “big girl” mentality. I look at booths and chairs carefully before I sit down. I gauge movie seats. It’s just a habit that is hard to break after so many years. I still order a lot of food when I go out to eat. I have to do

About Me
Dallas, TX
Surgery Date
Jun 06, 2004
Member Since

Before & After
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10 months before surgery
August 2006 188 pounds

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Latest Blog 40