Pushing forward...(warning, some offensive talk)

Aug 12, 2009

*sigh and deep breath*...Things are getting a little tougher now...but I am handling it...been out all day, and going to work in half an hour. 
Went and looked at the 5 br, and it is beautiful, but in being honest with myself, that is just too much for rent...If somehting was to happen, and I lost another client...Kyle and I could not manage...so I am putting an application in on a town house that I looked at...it was dirty...but it will be cleaned up...3 bedrooms up with a full bath, 1/2 bath on the main, and a bonus room in the basement with a full bath, which would be my room....and it is pretty spacious for a town house...and there is a dishwasher and a little yard for Austin...so I think it will work.  Phoned the girl back and will be putting my application in for it. 
Ray is angry today...and asking silly questions that I am ingnoring...like why didn't you tell me you hate me?  I think I made it pretty clear I do not hate him, and I told him that.  Of course, statements like, so I guess your Mom and Sybil hate me too...or their happy about this...Silly stuff...telling me he wouldn't help with the debt because he just thought I wanted plastics...how rediculous is that...Yes, I want plastics...yes, I want help with the debt...is that too much to ask...to be ingnored over and over again...and then he said the rest of the letter was just lies...Whatever...I said if you feel that my feelings are lies then I am sorry you feel that way.  He also asked me why I didn't just go live at my moms...errrr...cuz I am 46 yearss old, and have a kid moving with me...and I own half of this house too...so I will move out when I am ready...it isn't pretty, but it is tollerable. 
I feel pretty stressed today...really stressed..I guess, looking for a home, and figuring out how I am going to manage for the next couple weeks with Ray....it isn't easy.   Everyone around here just seems sad....sad, but having happy moments.  anyhow, I guess that is enough for now...I will post more tonight when I get home.

9:35 pm,

Got home about 15 mins ago...had to restart the computer for updates..and it is not working right...it needs to go in, but that is just something else that is going to have to wait.  Man, sometimes I wonder...(fear) am I making a mistake...I was thinking about that tonight.  I know by Ray's comments that he is sooooo sooooo deeply hurt.  He told me that the letter I wrote was all lies....I don't get it...I didn't lie or exsaserbate (sp) the issues...I just layed it on the line...said how I felt...I told him that, that must mean that my feelings are lies...and that ended that conversation.  ...but am I doing the right thing...of course I am...I can't stay because he isn't happy...I'm NOt happy here!!!  Perhaps, you know, if he would have worked with me on some issues...I could over look the others...You know, I found out just the other day, the last family BBQ we went to...Ray had a couple of beers, which I was pissed about, but didn't say anything in front of the family, cuz it is my family (you would have to know them to understand this statement.)  Apparently he told all the guys that he liked working away from home because he could let loose and tip a few without me knowing...How's that for trust?????  Fucker!!!!  He will no doubt start drinking his life away again...oh well, I can't worry about what he is gonna do...it is his life, he is a old man...he will make his decisions as I have choosen mine.   I sometimes wonder if I should tell him, that if I hadn't choosen to leave, I would be having an affair.  That is something I promised him I would NEVER do!  And I haven't.  I feel very good about this.  You know, I have been  on a dating site, but haven't found anyone that I want to date yet...I have had a few coffees...and more than a few good offers from some hot, young, strong bodies...the kind that make you tingly, just looking at them....well, had a few offers from them too...but I have refused...I will not do it until I leave.  I remember how badly I was hurt, in a past relationship, when that partner screwed around...I promised myself at that time, I would never accept that, EVER in a relationship...and I would NEVER do that to another woman, by sleeping with her man.  You would not believe the married men..."NOT looking to change anything, just some fun on the side...PPPpffffff!!!!!!!"  I put right on my profile, if you are married and not looking to change anything...then go work on your marriage!!!!  Asses!!!  and they still message me...WTF...take off, and in a hurry buddy...wouldn't want you even if you did leave her, cuz 5 years from now, you would do the same thing to me...a cheater is always a cheater!!! 
Anyhow, some of them seem really nice...but looking for love...and I am not...I am looking for freedom, fun, and maybe a little fuckin' in there too....(sorry if you read this and are offended...but I am 46 and too young to live as old as I have been living!)  There is a song that Tim McGraw sings...called, "Live Like You Were Dyin'"...that song is my life line right now...the chorus is,
I went sky divin', I went Rocky Mountain climbin', I went 2.7 seconds on a bull called blue man chew...and I spoke sweeter, and I loved deeper, and I gave forgiveness that I been denyin'....that is how I feel...that is what I want to do...I want to live like I was dyin'...not living like I'm dead.
I'm so glad I took the time to come back here and write tonight...I feel so much better when I can say what I am going through, how I am feeling...I am aching in my heart...for both of us...for him because he hurts...for me because soon I am going to be free, and living a life that I "think" I want....No, scratch that...I do want it...I know I want it...I keep invisioning my future..and it looks so bright...I am going to do a vision board when I move, and keep it up in my room.
Well...tomorrow...no work, and the weather is supposed to suck...but at least I can look back to some phone calls on places that I applied for.  Talked to Elin today...right now they don't have any high needs clients...but I can get to high functioning clients...the pay for them isn't great...but the work is a whole lot lighter...don't know how that would work..but willing to try.

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