Counting the days...

Dec 22, 2008

10 days and I go for my "fill".  I put it in quotations because who knows if it will actually happen.  If we go by weightloss it should happen because I don't think I've lost more than a pound since my last appointment.  But if we're going by what my doctor will actually do, then who knows.

Maybe if he wakes up on the right side of the bed that day I'll get one.  I'm completely frustrated right now because I feel like I've wasted the last 3 months screwing around waiting for my doctor to give me a freaking fill.  Since the end of August I've only lost about 10 lbs.  Thats completely unacceptable and it pisses me off.  I'm usually a pretty positive person, but not when I'm not in control, haha.  Not that I have a control problem, but usually when I set my mind out to do something - complete a task, change a behavior, etc -  I'm in control of it and if I fail I only have myself to blame so I usually try not to fail.  When someone else is holding the reins and is not giving me the 110% I'd give myself - it pisses me off.

I can eat wayyyyyy too much and lately as the holidays have crept up it seems I am doing just that.  I know I haven't gone completely off the deep end but I feel like I am losing the control I once had and it scares me and makes me angry.  If I hadn't hit this roadblock, I would have never started indulging the way I have been lately.  But then that pisses me off because this is a lifestyle change and I should be stronger than this and I should be doing what I'm supposed to be doing regardless of whether or not I'm losing. 

Its just discouraging to have this tool inside of me, to have gone through months and months of researching and debating about whether this was the surgery for me because my BMI was so high, to have lost my pre-op weight, gone through the surgery, recovery period, and to be at a damn stand still not because of my lack of effort, but because of a lack of effort on the part of my doctor.  It just makes me want to scream.

The day I get my fill is the day I'm recommitting myself.  Whether the fill gives me restriction or not.  No more screwing around.  But if for some reason I don't get my fill, I'm still recommitting myself.  To stopping with the splurging, and to finding a new doctor who will take me on for aftercare.  I can't keep fighting for fills.  Because I'll hurt someone

Happy Holidays to everyone.  Enjoy the time with family and friends and remember to stay strong! 

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