brownblonde
18 Month Post OP Wow!!!
Nov 27, 2011
Hello dear readers. Sorry for being so out of pocket recently. Eventually your life becomes less and less consumed with surgery and you find yourself getting back to "normalcy." I am at that point now. It is a wonderful and scary place to be at the same time. I have finally gotten to a place where weight is not a constant concern. Before I had two gears: protest un-dieting, or dieting. And always, always, ALWAYS miserable with my body. What on earth do I do with all that freed up energy that used to be spent on weight concerns?! Well hopefully you're about to find out
First, by the numbers:
Current weight: 151.2
Weight loss: -125.8
Weight loss in past 6 months (12-18 months): -12.6lbs.
Dress size: solidly 8, several 6's, ideally somewhere in-between
Have not taken measurements again but will update those soon.
Things have changed a lot since the year mark. The first 6 months everything was new--I felt the need to ask so many questions and have so many new experiences. They were all rehearsal. 6-12 months was still about weightloss, but getting more into the groove of things, learning to "diet" started to come naturally. I started to know how my body would react. Since the year mark I have not made weightloss my number 1 focus. I have now reached that infamous 18 month mark where people seem to suggest it's impossible to lose more weight. I intend to lose another 25 or so pounds of fat and maybe put on 10 pounds of muscle to be an ideal weight and composition. But, no, I'm not killing myself to do that right now. I think that "honeymoon" or "window" is a silly idea. Is it possible that you reach a point where you become more relaxed with rules or get burned out on some of the rigid food rules? Absolutely I believe that, which is why I never had those rules in the first place So it's impossible for me to burn out on something I never did! I knew whatever I did would need to be applicable for me throughout life. And therefore I do very little different now than I did a year ago.
Those first 6 months I stuck more to the food rules, out of necessity. And I would say I still eat more protein and eat it first, again, out of necessity. But that's where the rules stop. I am perfectly willing to admit that what works for me would not work for everyone else. In fact, it may be detrimental to your success so always proceed with careful consideration. However, it works for me and I think -125 post op sounds successful enough to not change course. I think the most important thing is to take care of your sleeve. I will be completely honest with you: the only thing standing between me and a size 22 is my small stomach. Given that stomach again, I'm sure I would be that weight again. So I try to be ultra careful to not overeat.
My biggest regret is not exercising. I plan to start exercising...ha...we'll see. I do notice women who are larger than I often look better in clothese because my belly is flabby.
I regularly get asked on here if I've had plastics. Y'all are too kind. But no! I would only now even begin to consider plastics, anyway. You are supposed to have maintained your goal weight for a year. I've only been in an acceptable "goal" range since 1 year--at least what I would consider. I'm still a little torn on whether I would have plastics or not. If someone gave me free money, I can't say that I'd immediately vote to go under the knife again. Not that surgery was all that bad, just that I'm not too terribly concerned with it. Will you have flabby skin, stretch marked skin after surgery? Will you lose hair? I can almost guarantee it. But if you are letting these concerns stand in the way of you and a smaller, healthier, happier life, then I would seriously reevaluate your rationale for having surgery. Because these items should not be deal breakers. My greatest concern would have to be my stomach because no matter what I ever do, there will always be stretch marks. And I can see skin hanging down (granted, not much, thank god for youth) when I bend over, and a slight little roll over under thinner shirts. It's certainly not the end of the world, but I will never don the bikini with my other slender (or in some cases, not so slender but flawless, unstretched skin) friends. I don't typically let it bother me, but that is a surgery I would consider. I know the other popular plastic surgery of choice is the boobs. I can't really speak to that because for the first time I can be thankful for my, ahem, small endowment that did not shrink or sag. Just small. Still. Haha.
Milestones of the past 6 months:
The past six months have involved many more "life" milestones than "weightloss" milestones. For one, I have been dating a guy for 5 1/2 months now. We have done so many things that I never would have imagined before. I allow myself to have more fun. Now this is a complicated thing to admit. I never liked it when people would suggest before that I might be harder to approach because of non-weight related issues. Read: get over yourself there are many reasons people wouldn't accept you besides your weight, just pick one. I never liked that because I honestly thought people did not know me enough to even know what they didn't like about me--they just didn't like my appearance. And I still think that's 98% the truth. For the occassions when that wasn't true--I was not "fun" enough or "approachable" enough: I had good reason and it stemmed from being fat! So it still came back around to the fat!
...Getting back to the point. For example, I went on a go-karting date. I would never have done that before. Not because I wasn't a sweet, fun, person, but because I probably could not have physically done it. The go-karts were strange fitting as it was. And even if I had taken a chance on it as a 277lb. person, I would have spent the entire day worrying about how I would fit, if there would be a weight limit, what I would do if a worker were to call me out on it, How on earth I would shimmy out of there and then try to muster a smile and proceed with the date and look "cool" and "fun." Oh all the time I spent turning these things over and over in my head. It made it miserable! I've also been horseback riding, and river floating (twice). I've gotten in hottubs with people (one-piece swimsuit, of course!). I've taken dancing lessons with my boyfriend. I am a graduate TA and I teach two discussions that are a HAUL across campus in a 10 minute period. I literally could not have physically tolerated that before. I would have dreaded this walk, could not have near made it in time, and I would have been sweating and huffing by the time I arrived. I remember so well in undergrad having to plan a 2 minute "breather" to catch my breath after walking before the next class started so the person sitting next to me in class would not think they needed to call a paramedic! But no! Now I signed up for these classes to teach.
I think I've said this before--people are nicer. They talk to me more. Sure, maybe I am more "approachable." Men certainly approach me more. I take even more pride in my appearance. I tried to be well put together before and I think I was always a pretty good dresser, but there are limits to how you can dress a 277lb. body and a 151lb. body. I simply couldn't pull off cute clubby looks before, not when I was worried about having a long enough dress or wearing leggings, covering my arms with shrugs. Byt the time I was done with my cute look, it'd be covered with an additional 6 layers of coverup clothing!!
And as wonderful as all this treatment is, it confirms some of my greatest fears. The stark contrast between life then and now, at least in the way strangers relate to me, makes me recognize the pain of being overweight all the more. For every stranger who goes out of their way to be kind to me now, I remember the stares of before, or worse, the ones who avoided looking at me altogether. While I know my boyfriend loves so much in me, least of all my appearance (though he likes that too!), I can't help but know he would not have started up a conversation with me before. In some ways I'm growing more and more protective of that person and she begins to fade more and more from my day to day life. As I forget little things like tugging up my rolled over pants, and planning to take a breather, I begin to worry that I will not be able to identify with the person I was my entire life. I sometimes forget and that's beautiful and a bit scary. I'm very protective of that little girl. For as much as has changed in her, she is still there. And I still sometimes feel a bit like a sellout.
I'm proud of myself for finally realizing the dream I dreamt for so long. But I also begin to recognize how silly some of the changes are. When I'm with my family over Thanksgiving, or whenever, I realize it's only the outfit that's changed, really. Sure, that outfit has enabled me to do things I didn't do before. But they were always things I wanted to do, just didn't have the right "gear" to do them!
I guess one of the hardest things is that people can't relate to me. I thought it was horrible the special treatment I got before. Friends didn't know I knew what they were doing when they would deflect negative comments in a club, or try to avoid the weight issue. Now people treat me like a thin person and sometimes, just sometimes, I wish they'd be more sensitive to the fact that I'm obese, really. They don't understand what I went through. What I GO through. They couldn't. My support group grounds me. I believe those are the secret to success.
So I had a kind of bittersweet surgiversary. With recognizing all the good newness also comes the grief about all the time I spent trapped...and possibly that I was a prisoner of my own device (salute Eagles!).
In case you're lost and looking for a conclusion...this is a great, wonderful journey. No, it's not all roses. I wouldn't trade it in for the world. Because ultimately I am me. I am the me that wonderful obese me dreamed about becoming and I did it. Not only that, I do things that obese me wanted to do but couldn't because she was held back by weight. I am still me, only better.
And....drumroll....
2011!!!!!
