cdnov26

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

I can't believe how much more energy I have now that I have lost so much weight, the thigns I can do, at least until my wrists hurt me.  I work 3-4 hours a day in the garden, before gastric bypass I was lucky to do 1 hour in the garden.  I think I would do more even now, once I get my allergies under control.  I have not been celebrating my weight loss much, but I am starting to because of the energy I now have.  Who knew that loosing 100.8 pounds would make such a difference.  (That was my weight this morning)

Just added some new photos for 5 months post-op 174 pounds

I know it's a day late, but that's because I was busy yesterday and didn't get a chance to post.  I also don't tend to post as often lately.  It's been a "strange" few days.  I don't  know how else to describe it.  I really feel God is working in my life, that is one thing I know for sure.  I felt good Friday afternoon and evening.  Saturday morning felt good until my brother started one of his fights that he usually starts the day before any holiday.  But why Easter?  Or any holiday for that matter.  It upsets me when he gets angry, and especially screams at Connie, because this is her house and we should be lucky to live here.  So at any rate I left the house because I couldn't deal with the fighting.  This actually got me severally depressed to the point I was seriously thinking of suicide.  In fact I actually went and bought tyenol that I planned on taking to use to overdose with.  I knew there were several people I could have called, but I didnt care at that point.  I did drive out to where we scattered my dad's ashes and sat there for a few minutes in the parking lot, thinking about life in general.  It had not started raining yet and so I walked out to where we actually scattered his ashes into the ocean.  I had one of those conversations with him where I try to think of all the things I forgot to tell him while he was alive and how much I missed him, etc.  I then got in the car and had planned on taking the tylenol  (let me back track for a minute..on my way to the out to the parking lot I had gone threw a puddle and so my car was a little wet).  So I sat in the car once again thinking about life, and how I really couldnt end it because there is still so much I need to accomplish ,and that the few people who I know do care about me at this point can't really deal with another death in their life.  That I would really be hurting the people I care most about.  ANd I began to cry one of those cries you can't control and apologizing to God and my dad for feeling this way.  I once again asked God to take away my pain that I don't want to feel this way and that I want to get better.  And that I am sorry for what I have done in my life, and also apologized to my father.  As I was saying a few other things I noticed to drops of water trickling down my window.  I don't care what anyone thinks..but this is what I thought of it, my dad and God feel my pain and want to help.  Well I got out of the car and through the tylenol in the trash.  And drove home, later we took my nieces out, which reminded me one of the reasons why I am still alive.  then we got ready for Easter at the house.  Yesterday was just one of those days that I had a lot of emotions going on.  Went to church twice which was great, there are a lot of times lately that I thank God for my new church because I feel welcomed and loved by so many people.    I went home and Connie and I drove out to "visit" dad.  We both cried.  Then since we were both crying Connie told me a story.  One of my dad's brothers had heart surgery a few weeks ago, and almost didnt make it, well he told one of my aunt's a story that when he was in recovery he "saw" my dad and told him he wasn't ready to come yet, that he needed to be here.  Twice more when my uncle was fighting for life he saw my dad.  The last time he said my dad said "don't worry I will be waiting for you when your time comes, give everyone a hug for me"  right after that my uncle made a dramatic recovery.  At any rate we went home after "visiting" with dad, we had taken some pictures of the flowers we put in the water, etc.  This is when I noticed when I got home that the pictures were never really taken and that my digital camera is broken, which made me upset... at any rate a very emotional day...even while preparing stuff Connie and I had trouble.  But all in all I only had about 2 suicidal thoughts all day.  I have been averaging the past 2 weeks about 27 thoughts a day. ..... so that's why I say it was one of those day.....

Well all in all, I don't know if this website updates people on my goals achieved....I achieved one more this morning and that was to weigh less than 180..179 this morning.

Just added to pictures taken today.

Well it has been 4 months since my surgery.  I got on the scale today and it told me I was 185 pounds.  Well, all I know is that I wasn't this weight when I was 16 since when I was 16 I was 187.  So most likely there is not anyone reading this blog who ever knew me at this weight.  I have to say I have had some great support from many people and had a great surgeon.  I learned yesterday of some sad news involving my surgeon.  I thought it could have been his daughter but last night it was confirmed, but my surgeons daughter died in February.  My heart goes out to him and his family as he is such a caring and dedicated surgeon who cared a lot about his family.


I will post new photos later.

Usually on Saturdays we go out to eat with my stepmom's son and his wife and another couple as well.  David (Connie's son) had gastric bypass almost 4 years ago.  I was telling him about my situation on Wednesday night involving my dumping syndrome.  I told him the whole story, I  told him how I drove home.  He was very upset that I actually drove.  I guess he has known people that have expreienced what I experience (and so many other RNY patients expereince) that have actually passed out because of the pain.  He says I should be feeling very lucky.  I didnt realize that this could have happened from this dumping syndrome.  Guess I am now more aware for the future if this is to happen again.

    

So it's one of those nights where I just can't seem to fall asleep.  I wrote in my journal but then felt like I really need to share it with someone, but who to share with when it is 11:45pm.  So I thought I would type in my journal entry in here, then someone will see it and at least I know I shared, and if that makes me feel better, than good.......

So here is part of my journal entry....

I can't do this anymore.  I can't keep lying ( telling people I am fine when I am really not or pretending I'm fine in front of others) I feel like I'm breaking apart and I can't stay together.  I need more help.  But I'm too afraid to say anything.  I really just want to curl up and die.  I really feel like pulling my money out of retirement, it's the only way to survive financially.  I can't do this with no money.  I found a babysitting job on the Internet for a day a week, it could work if I could keep myself out of the hospital.  But I don't know.  I don't know what I need.  I need help that's all I know.  I need to get rid of all the pain and I can't it's too hard.  Maybe that's why I caused pain in order to release the pain inside of me.  I have tried  praying, I've tried doing nothing.  I just wish I could have my dad back.  I wish there was someone to hold me when I feel like I do now.  I wish someone would tell me things are going to be alright (even when I wont believe it)  I try to tell myself that but it's hard, so  hard.  I feel so alone.  Nobody I know right now knows exactly what I'm dealing with (well no one but God).  Some people have experienced parts of what I'm trying to deal with, but not the whole thing.  I hate putting my problems on other people, it's so hard.  I cant stand this life anymore, I want out.  I'm tired of being given more than I can handle.  This is what I feel like (I drew a broken puzzle with pieces missing)  a puzzle with pieces missing.  I feel broken and unfixable.  What's the point of trying any more.  I'm done with trying, I'm done with trying to deal with the pain, I'm just plain tied.  I think my safety contract is the only thing keeping me alive, I can't even say safe anymore.  I have the means to try again but I would be doing a disservice to so many people.  Plus I feel there must be a reason for me to be on this earth since I didn't die the 3 previous attempts and the last one I should have and wish I did.  I look back over my list of things that I think lead me to the 3 suicide attempts and so many still stick out: feeling worthless, hopelessness, not liking the person I am, feeling unloved, feeling like a failure.  These will only get better when I deal with some of the smaller things.  Things like: issues relating to PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), anxiety, complications from surgery (almost done with this), my car (which is fixed for now), work, lack of friends, afraid of failure, not feeling like God is in my life (although this is changing) lack of motivation, problems with biological mom.  SO as much as I want to die, I don't think it's going to happen.  So I should start working on some of these issues one at a time.  I need to try to internalize things.  Like I have been told I am a wonderful and beautiful person, I need to feel that.  I know God loves me, I just need to believe it.  I should start liking myself as my weight goes down since I am now smaller than I was Sophomore year of high school.  I should keep these positives and make them work, but they don't.  Or I should think of a kid who every time he sees me he needs to inform one of his parents that I am there.  I should believe that means I am someone special.  But it's so hard.  It's so hard to see the light when your world seems to have so much darkness.  Maybe I should write a book.  Well at any rate.  With my safety contract being put in jeopardy for previous actions I will say that I am promising not to try and take my own life.  I would hurt too many people.



Well thanks for letting me share, now maybe I will sleep.

Yesterday's episode of dumping syndrome wasn't so bad...maybe it was just something didn't agree with me.  Tonight I experienced what/how everyone usually describes it.  The bad thing is I wasn't even at home I was a a Bible study,  I had brought meatballs with me to eat since this is something I have eaten before and noodles, which I have not tried before, but I only ate one... I also made some very low fat, no sugar cookies, which I ate one of, but had eaten them earlier in the day as well.... OK there is the background... if you have a weak stomach then don't read on, although most of you who have had gastric bypass can probably sympathize.  I started feeling really sick to my stomach about 20 minutes after I ate, part of the reason I think this all happened was I ate too fast.  Well so I felt sick, but it also felt like really bad acid reflex and that something was stuck...most of you are probably shaking your head up and down (for those of you reading this who haven't had the surgery, sorry).  So I sat for a little bit hoping my feelings would go away, I tried drinking some water but it made things worse.  I felt like I was going to get sick, I felt hot and felt like as some people have described it as having a heart attack.  I went into the bathroom to see if I could "fix" my problem.  My problem is I am one of those people who can't make themselves sick because of some past history stuff.  I brought up a lot of phlegm (people who have had the surgery...always amazed how much acid is in our little stomachs, anyone else find this?) .  I sat down thinking I was fine, drank some water and once again got the severe chest pains....I knew I had to leave.  So I quickly got up and left (sorry Jeremy, now maybe you will know why I had to leave early, I would have rather stayed)  It took me twice as long to get home as I had to keep pulling over and I made a mad dash for the bathroom once I got home.  I still feel icky and its been more than 1 1/2 hours.  But I now don't have the chest pains at least and I am not getting sick anymore, I felt the whole dizziness thing as well (although this is not new for me since I have been dizzy for 19 days now).  Well I know this was true dumping syndrome tonight, don't want to experience it again.

Well tonight I had my first episode with dumping syndrome.  I decided to try a piece of my step-moms hashbrown, and it didnt go well.  At least that's what I think caused it since we have had porkchops before and they went down fine the last time.  So no more hashbrown potatoes, maybe just no more potatoes.

I tried to go to bed early, but it didnt work, so I started to download some more music for my IPOD.  I am going through a lot of old CDs I have not listend to in years.  So I am on the Js.  One of the CDs I listened to ws a Jars of Clay CD.  One song that always stuck out to me and hit me even harder today was Worlds Apart.  Here are the lyrics that I got off another website.


JARS OF CLAY LYRICS


"Worlds Apart"

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

[Additional lyrics:]

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart