Late night thoughts "Just do it"
Sep 27, 2015
Hey everybody/anybody that takes the time to read this. I haven't blogged in so long because of reasons posted in my last blog, school started, I stopped using pretty much all social media to live by example to my daughter, reasons in other post. Main reason is my Dads lung cancer. It has shrunk with the chemo and radiation treatments so praise God for that. His cancer is in a place high up in the lung where it can't be removed because it's attached to nerves, it's a fast growing type of cancer & even though it has shrunk there is the possibility for more growth and spreading, Tuesday of this week he starts 10 more radiation treatments to his head/brain...this is a precautionary thing that both of his Docs recommended because if you don't do this then the cancer could spread to the brain. I've had several sleepless/late nights over this & I guess that's why I'm on here so late. It's hard for anybody/any of us to watch those we love be in bad health/weak/sick/struggling with any disease. As I mentioned in my last blog post, my Dads unwavering faith keeps a lot of things in perspective. My weight loss and health problems before my VSG surgery were not so big a deal compared to the big C word. Last week my daughter & I were blessed enough to be able to go on a beach trip vacation to Gulf Shores AL with them. The last time my Savannah & I went to the beach w/them was 5 years ago, so Vannah was 9 & Dad was in perfect health, he walked on the beach, swam, just had a great time. This beach trip was a blessing because my husband & I can't afford vacations, but with the joy of the trip there was also sadness to watch my Dad struggle to walk on the beach & have to have me help him get up, he also didn't swim any which he loves to do. Praise God I still have my folks, a lot of us don't we all experience loss...what I'm trying to say is this trip with them and any time I can spend with them is a blessing. If you haven't talked to your parents or anybody in your family that if for some/any reason you've lost touch with I ask that you please consider just giving them a call to say hi. God can heal broken relationships, only God can even if it was someone that hurt you but you still love them reach out if not for them then for yourself. Each & everyday we have in this life with our health is a gift to us & any time we can spend with those we really love is a blessing.
Today I cried my eyes out at church for which I also say thank you Lord for waterproof mascara. A young lady who looked to be in her late 20's early 30's was sitting next to us, I knew right away that she had cancer, the tell-tale cancer awareness covering her head was a giveaway. I knew she didn't feel good/strong enough to stand while we were singing praises. A young preacher was invited to preach at our church and the message was basically that we place so many obstacles in our lives or have so many troubles that we either turn away from God or just don't take the time to call on Him/rely on him. After the sermon praises were once again sang, and this young lady who didn't have the energy to stand because I know she was weak got up and walked up to the stage and got a microphone and began to sing praises to God. I just/many others started to cry. Why do I/we/you put so many limitations on/in our lives when we are healthy/or are on our way to being healthy. I want to make youtube videos to share my story/faith/money saving tips/crafts but I let my insecurities keep me from it. This young lady who I would like to ask you to remember in your prayers-her name is Josslynn-didn't let cancer or how bad she felt, or how hard it is to be a woman without hair stop her from getting up and praising God. She has stage 1 ovarian cancer. If she hasn't had any children, I don't know if she has or not, but if she hasn't the possibility of her being a Mom is probably gone. Please remember her & my Dad in your prayers if you pray. I ask for you & me to be brave about shining our light. This angel Josslynn shined her beautiful light and shared her voice with our whole church today. We've got to be brave, if God is moving us to do something/anything as my daughter says "swoosh it Mom" (when she first said this I was like huh?) She told me it was like the Nike swoosh "Just do it Mom." This can mean many things for each of us, if God has directed you to do something just do it. If you haven't had surgery pray about it and just do it, if you have had surgery but need to get back on track with your eating plan, just do it. Whatever you feel called to do that will make you happy YOU not those around you, but you-Just do it.
I know this is a long blog as mine tend to be, sometimes I think I just write them for myself to look back on someday to remember/never forget feelings/blessings/the struggle to keep the weight off/down. As far as the health/weight goes, I'm standing steady at the same weight, I noticed that only drinking 1 protein shake a day instead of 2 has moved the weight a little. I've only done yoga once in the past month, that's something I've got to keep & get back on track with, it's great for anxiety and also gives me some prayer time at the end. I do hit the gym fast & hard and with a vengeance. I do cardio & weights now, at first I was wrongly thinking just cardio was all I needed to do cause I didn't want to bulk anything up I wanted it to shrink & go away...I am hooked on doing leg presses, I think my butt is shrinking, I love doing arm weights, I've still got the tell tale angel wing flaps but I just feel stronger. I can bring in huge heavy cases of water & cases of dog food in the house now with no trouble, I just feel strong. On our beach trip I took the stairs up 5 flights each time just because I could, I got winded but I did it as much as I could and thanked God at the top/bottom each time for being able to do that. I still thank God when I get my relaxing bubble baths at night...yes I thank God for things when I'm naked because He made me & knows me & knows how thankful I am that I can fit in the tub now, where as before I couldn't. Fall is my favorite time of year, the beauty of the changing leaves, how fun Halloween is, how most of us are able to take the time at Thanksgiving & Christmas to spend with family. Just a whole bunch of goodness all wrapped up into my favorite time of year. It's also time for yoplaits pumpkin spice light yogurt so yea for that too. I still journal my foods/activity. I stay on track as best I can, no/very limited sugar, low carb. With the weight snail moving I could be discouraged but then I think back to this current weight being the weight I was at way back in my 20's so Imma keep on fighting & not be sad about where I'm at. I sure don't feel like I've failed at it. I feel great. Who knows what problems tomorrow may bring, please God keep things positive, but I just feel good. Job search going on right now too so if God sends me to it/into that I'll just do it. I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a stay at home Mom, I'm there when my people & pets need me, but when money is tight it's just tight. I LOVE you guys & I thank you for reading this if you took/had the time. God bless ya'll & I hope your journey is going good no matter what obstacles are in your path, just do it! Some pics from our vacation & a few other below if I can get them to attach correctly. Thanks ya'll & please lift Josslynn & my Dad up in prayer.
my folks on the beach
me & my daughter on beach trip
It was a great blessing to stand on the beach & thank God for it
Pic of me & my husband at his folks 50th wedding anniversary party, I thought it was cool how they displayed & still had their original wedding clothes. My dress was previously my daughters and is a size 12 what...I used to be in a size 24. So thank you Lord for that too.
Saying Hello & some affirmations
Jun 24, 2015
Hi folks, I haven't been on site/blogging/posting because I've pretty much stopped using all social media, we had to cancel my daughter's social media sites due to some language and bad folks she was getting in touch with and that were trying to get in touch with her; she's only 14 so I've been living by example and not getting on the computer this summer much either. I just wanted to say Hi to everyone & to tell those that I've lost touch with to hang in there and keep on fighting. You/Obesity help are my brothers & sisters in my battle of the buldge war.
Another reason that I haven't blogged in a while is becaue as I mentioned in my May blog post at the beginning of Spring my Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer & I've been visiting with them a lot and trying to do some things around their house. I would like to praise God and thankfully report that the chemo is shrinking his cancer, it's not gone and he's still fighting and still has to do 6 weeks of radiation 5 days a week after chemo is completed but at least the cancer is shrinking. Now folks, that's a fight that puts a lot into perspective when my only current heath issue is how I haven't reached my goal yet, I'm thankfully healthy right now and am always amazed at how hard my Dad is fighting and how faithful in his walk with Christ he continues to be even through the hard times. My goal now is 175, I'm 5'9 so when I get there I'll be pleased as punch, or should I say pleased as an ice cold grape flavored crystal light water.
As I type this, I'm not where I want to be with my weight in the 191-196 range...goes up and down depending on if I've ate too many peanuts...I'm not at goal but I'm sure as heck not where I was when I started, 282 was my start weight. I can do so many things now that I couldn't before surgery. When the question of how I've lost weight comes up from strangers in the gym usually after a hello I'm so & so nice to meet you, you too, you look great my reply is "thanks this time last year I almost weighed 300 pounds" how did you lose all that weight they ask...I am not one bit ashamed to tell them, be it people from church or strangers in the gym that I've had weight loss surgery, that my health was so bad prior to having it & that I had medical conditions that were so severe that my Doctors got me insurance approved to have the surgery. WLS is not an end all cure all, it is a life long journey into exercise and healthy eating habits just like they are doing but with my initial start into surgery to get me on my way. Is it anybody's business how I've lost weight? No, but I'm sure not ashamed to freely tell them about my surgery and answer questions if they have any...that's just how I've personally been handling that question.
At this point in my journey I've increased my exercise routine and go to the gym more and spend about an hour & a half there each time & have come to get a great stress relief from sweating hard, sounds strange maybe but I don't feel that I've got a good work out in if I don't sweat much. I don't look at my exercise routines now as just something that I have to do to lose weight but something that I want to do because I feel better after doing it. For that brief amount of time each day what ever problems or worries I have are completely ereased from my mind as all I concentrate on is what I'm doing and what music I'm listening to.
Another point that I would like to make to remind myself if I later read back on these postings is to continue to journal what you eat, exercise and how you're feeling on any given day. It helps me stay on track and also helps me remember not to get discouraged because I've come a long way and it also gives me a reality check to not night-time snack if the weight is up. I still only weigh once a week so I journal that too. I also want to lastly add that you and only you are accountalbe for what you/I put in our mouth...if my husband buys snack food because he can because he's tall and in shape I just ignore it as if it weren't even there. Only you can hold yourself accountable if you exercise or not. When my hard working husband is off work from his long hour shifts for a few days and all he wants to do is veg out in front of the tv I just leave him there and go on to the gym, it's easy to sometimes just loaf around with him for a few days on end, and I've done that once but now I just leave him be and go get my work out in because it makes me feel better. Do it for yourself not for anybody else. Stay strong and keep fighting. Belssings to all if anybody takes or has the time to read this long post. Love yourself no matter where you're at in this jourey.
Haven't blogged since March
May 05, 2015
Hi all, I'm sure nobody keeps up with me but to hold myself accountable I wanted to post a brief blog. I had intended to do a one year surgiversary blog with pictures but so much has happened since my last blog. My Dad has been diagnosed with lung cancer, he was already not in the best of health but now he is fighting cancer and going through chemo with radiation therapy to possibly follow. Then at the same time my husbands Mom who is also not in good health was hospitalized with heart problems. She also has a lung disease and her health is in decline. Anyway I've been visiting, visiting hospitals to see them. My Mom in law is home now but isn't feeling well and my Dad is fighting. My faith is strong, I know that live or pass away that each of them have eternal life in heaven, but naturally I want them to continue to live; but this life is only temporary. I have faith in God but watching those we love struggle through major disease and sickness is hard, hard for anybody.
Back on to my blog about my health; I've missed doing yoga for probably about 3 weeks now and feel out of balance; yoga gets the junk out of my life through meditation, prayer and focusing on breathing...so I'm currently out of balance with that. I have still been exercising 4-5 days per week for an hour each session and I am still doing high protein. With all the hospital visits I've missed my turkey bacon breakfasts but when I would have a biscuit from Jacks I would only eat 1/2 of it. I'm still on plan even through the hard times. I have also not blogged because my teenager has - well we have forced her to stop all social media, I had twitter which I cancelled. Use your imaginations if you must...aside from her posting naked pics which we didn't find when we picked up her ipod the language and other pics were pretty bad so we got rid of it. May seem harsh to some but it was getting out of control, she is only 14 and since she's been off social media she seems to be a nicer person back into crafts and actually talking to me. Raising a teen is hard, I'm paying for all the bad things I did when I was a teen through some of these problems with her. This is a rambling blog and for that I'm sorry, guess I just wanted to say I'm still here and alive and staying on plan even through all the stress; yoga will help with the stress so I've got to get back into pratice. Loss is really slow and with my new goal being 175 I have 16 more pounds to lose. I am still thankful for this new life and today thanked God for being able to walk up a huge hill without having to stop for a break or get out of breath, I am thankful that even though I'm still wearing most of my old bras for cup size that I now have to hook them on the last notch, I'm also thankful that after getting rid of all my fat clothes that I now have a new and complete wardrobe thanks to my husband and thrift store shopping. I have bought some new things recently at a store called bargain town/maxway and am wearing a size 12 dress; I thank God and my Docs for these blessings. Hope you are all having a great day, don't put yourself down no matter where you're at because you are beautiful; find that beauty by making peace with yourself.
Surgery anniversary + I love yoga now
Mar 17, 2015
I have a big ole blog post planned out in my head about my 1year surgery anniversary which was Friday 3/13...I let it slip by without much a do because my Dad is facing some health problems, lung cancer and is in the hospital now. Hopefully the growth was caught in time; he starts chemo tomorrow then continues for 4 months, I already see my folks just about every day but now I will be doing & trying to do more to help them out. Anyway, I guess as a celebration of how great I felt on my surgiversary I shampooed carpets woo-hoo, but when you have pets, a husband that often doesn't remember to take off his shoes, and a teenager you have to shampoo. I'm feeling better than I have in a long long time and count my blessings every day for this new life. I am holding steady at 193 but have upped my exercise routine to get some more loss going, still eat high protein, low sugar, healthy fats; mostly olive oil, yougurt...anyway I'm eating on plan & don't want to starve myself to lose faster, I want to do this right and continue to follow a plan that I can keep for life. I am doing yoga now too; nothing strenuous just about 4-6 easy, relaxing poses. I focus on my breathing...breathe in pause breathe out/ I know yoga is a religion in and of itself to many people but to me it's something that people have been doing for over 5,000 years; to me it's not my religion or about correctly holding a pose, or who the teacher is, it's about getting to know my body better, & stretching, posture & breathing exercises. It's like being a joyful little toddler again and playing on the floor, it just brings me so much peace and joy. It is helping me to deal with the stressful situation of my Dad's poor health & I have learned some tools on how to handle my anxiety better. When I'm done I cross my legs, put my back straight to the wall and I do pray thanking God for giving me these few moments (usually 40 minuets or longer) of peace. I did yoga several years back for a short period of time and gave it up when I got so huge...It's just an amazing stress reliving, anti-anxiety wonderful thing. If you don't do it now think about it so you can clear out the junk in your life and put some fous on the things that are right. Surgiversary post to come when I can get my head right. Just wanted to blog this because I just wrote down my foods and activities and had to share how amazing yoga is. Apparantly from the picture below that my daughter laughed at and took my little dog loves yoga too; our version of the downward dog :)
NSV's & insecurities
Feb 08, 2015
Hi all, my mood today is fairly happy. The NSV that I experienced today was wearing a pair of boots that I've had for about 10 years that never even fit when new...today they fit and I was able to zip them up to my calf. Miracle! I was feeling pretty good as I put on my size 14 suit and dressed for church, went to my folks church as my husband is working today so it was just me & my daughter. One of my New Years resolutions was to be more positive and confident & stop putting myself down. My daughter & Mom ended up both wearing something red today which wasn't planned and looking beautiful as they did wanted to take pictures after church. I was in a few of the pics and later made the self loathing comment to my daughter that I still hated being in pictures sometimes & that I feel like I have a huge face or chin or something. She said "well Mom you do have a double chin" ugggh guess I asked for it when I put myself down, I appreciate her honesty and she's my go to gal sometimes about what I should and should not wear, she has no filter and even then sometimes tells me that I look like an amazon woman...this is my daughter whom I love dearly, I can't stand the fact that she normally wears black band t-shirts almost...well not almost every day but actually every day, though I did the same thing when I was her age; think Ramones and Misfits shirts...so I tolerate her shirts...but the double chin thing hit hard. Oh the things I would do if I had plastic surgery money, cut the fat chin off, have my arms fixed to look skinny and not flappy, get a boob lift and tummy tuck...though I would rather remodel my house if I had said money but if money were no object those are the things about myself that I would fix, but what kind of example would that be setting for my daughter...if you feel ugly pay to fix it, NO but I did have weight loss surgery...but I see that as a medical necessity and so did my insurance when it finally paid for it as my over all health has improved as well. If I didn't follow my low carb eating & exercise plan I know I wouldn't be successful. I pray that my daughter never has the weight problems that have plauged me all my life. She's healthy and beautiful but also lacks confidence sometimes as well..don't we all? Anyway the chin thing is going to stay in my head for a long while and I've got to get over it. The few selfies that we've taken together since my surgery a couple of her friends have said "your Mom looks like a Barbie doll" one of the girls that said that saw me in person...that was a sweet comment, but I feel like I probably look more like the larger sized Crissy dolls from the 80's instead of Barbie. Anyway today I had a "yea my boots finally fit" NSV then I came down on myself for not liking my face in a picture & then my daughter brought up the whole double chin thing...I'm just gonna try and remember how her friends said I look like a Barbie doll and focus on that instead...
My Mom, my daughter & me in my boots that finally fit and suit that I bought at a thrift store
this is the picture that I said I felt like my face was huge in which spurred the "you do have a double chin Mom" comment :(
Jan 25, 2015
My daughter & I went to church with my Dad this morning so that was a blessing. I almost lost my Dad 5 years ago so every time I get to see my folks I'm thankful. My daughter hugged me and is able to wrap her arms all the way around me with some hug room to spare; when she does this she calls me skinny...now I don't think 194 is skinny but compared to almost 300 this time last year (282) I'm skinnier. I just feel so much better for which I'm thankful & blessed. I was able to wear a suit that I've been saving till I could wear it and the pants were actually getting baggy. I bought a shirt today in the normal size section at Wal-mart; I usually thrift shop but needed a plain off white top to go with an Eddie Bauer-guess I spelled it right...suede jacket that I got on my last thrift outing. Normal sized clothes WOW I never thought I'd be in that section again. I still think I'm fat and will be glad when my mind catches up to my loss. I went to my husbands hunting club last weekend, we have a camper trailer there & the last time I went I could hardly sit on the little toilet in the tiny bathroom but this time I had room to spare tmi I guess but this amazed me. I still catch myself walking around things like I'm still huge...gotta work on that. Just praying that we all take the time to count our blessings great and small. Today was a beautiful day & just being able to receive that hug from my normally "I'm to cool to hug you Mom" teenager was great.
Resolutions New Goals Slow loss
Jan 11, 2015
The old me didn't make New Year's resolutions, the old "I'll start a diet with the New Year or on Monday" never worked. Thankfully since surgery in March of 2014 I've been sticking to my Docs low carb eating plan pretty well though peanut butter even the natural version of it should not be kept in my house. My resolutions are to love others even when they're unloveable, I've had to repeat this one in my mind more than once when dealing with my usually loveable husband when he's in a snappy mood & when my teenager is rude. Love myself, meaning stop putting myself down, be kind to myself, stop thinking that I still weigh almost 300 pounds. Study the word so I can learn to live in this world better, so far I've only been listening to Christian music and have yet to pick up my bible so I've got to work on this one. Lose down to my goal weight, the first goal that I set for myself was 160 but now I'd be happy as if it were Christmas morning all over again to get down to 175. I'm still journaling my exercise and foods...this is tedious sometimes but reading what I eat & do helps me stick to plan better. The weight is coming off slow like everyone said it wold the farther out I've gotten. I'm 10 months out from surgery and the loss is getting slow but a pound is a pound is a pound and I lost 1 last week putting me in at 195. Writing this blog so I can re-read my resolutions and new goal. Hope everyone's New Year has been off to a great start. Have a blessed Sunday.
The best gifts
Dec 26, 2014
The best gifts in life will never be found under the Christmas tree, the best gifts are the ones you love, family, friends, kids & pets...one of my best gifts this year was feeling great and being 86 pounds lighter than I was this time last year. Last year I was so tired and miserable and didn't allow any pictures of me to be taken. This year my husband took a picture of me for every gift that I opened and I didn't fuss. I still feel fat and have to look at myself in the mirror to be sure I'm not almost 300 pounds anymore. Every time I put on my size 14 jeans I still can't believe that they fit and say to myself "those won't fit you" and when they do each time I'm amazed. Last Christmas I was wearing a size 24. I have several New Year resolutions, one of them is to try and find my inner confidence and quit beating myself up mentally. Sometimes I like the pictures of me that are taken but other times I say "gee I'm still a fatty" I need to stop being so judgemental towards myself.
I've been holding steady around this current weight (196) for a while but I try to not get discouraged & stay on plan...I did have some egg nog, a few home-made gingerbread cookies and some tootsie rolls this Christmas so I did fall off but I'm back on track today. I baked the home-made cookies and my daughter decorated them, I baked cakes and didn't lick the icing or batter so that was a miracle for me. I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas...May the spirit of Christmas last all year! Merry day after Christmas everyone, keep it in your heart all year & Happy New year too.
Me & my husband
Me & one of my dogs...wondering where her gifts were
Me & my daughter
Happy New Year everybody
My thankful Thanksgiving
Dec 02, 2014
I haven't been on in a while; since before Thanksgiving...weight is coming off slow but it's thankfully still coming off. Sticking to watching what I eat, trying to eat high protein & low carb as possible & doing the treadmill. This time last year I was miserable; my weight was the highest that it ever was 282 pounds; I was as big as a wrestler, football player & almost 300 pounds. I have so much to be Thankful to God for. I also just happened to read a kind email that I received right when I logged on OH from MsShawna that really lifted me up. God sends us encouragement from people & places right when he knows we need it & today I thank sweet MsShawnafor her kind words.
There are so many things that I have to be thankful for this year at Thanksgiving; my family, my pets, my home & my health. Before my weight loss surgery my health was very bad, I gained & gained weight after having my hysterectomy & other health problems that I had; from my gain I became depressed and gained even more. So much has changed in my life and health since last Thanksgiving. I started out weighing in at 282 pounds and as I write this today I'm down to 196 and still losing. I was wearing a size 24 last year and this year I'm currently in a size 14.
I'm thankful for OH, all the kind folks that I've met on here & even the not so kind because they've been honest, thankfully I haven't been bullied on here like I've noticed some have but I'm thankful for all of you. I'm thankful for many, many folks; my primary care Doctor Dr. Kirby, his nurse Robin, my amazing surgeon who has given me my life back, Dr. John Matthews & Nancy from his office who helped me get my surgery insurance approved. I pray everyone has a very blessed Christmas too. Oh yeah, this is the first Thanksgiving in many many years that I didn't hit all the sweets up or over eat so I'm also very thankful for that. God Bless all of you as we keep on with the battle.
Let us come before His presence with Thanksgiving, let us shout joyfully to Him with psalms. Psalm 95:2
I didn't touch the birthday cake + waiting for Christmas
Nov 13, 2014
Yesterday was my daughters birthday. She's my one & only as I had several complications during and after her birth and was unable to have anymore children so she's truly a gift. I've also had a few NSV's...I baked her a huge cake for a family party that we had last weekend & didn't run my finger through the icing or scrape the rest out of the containers; the old fat me used to just sit around on my fat butt & eat a whole icing container by myself...not in one night but sometimes just a couple. We also bought my girl some cupcakes yesterday for her actual birthday & as I was handing one to my husband out of the box I got icing on my fingers to which he says "I see what you're doing there, you're not going to have any but you're gonna lick that icing" no I wasn't, not I didn't...so NSV. I also LOVE LOVE LOVE Christmas, but now that my daughter is in the teenage years she acts like she doesn't really care about the decorations or the tree or the reason...hopefully this is just the I'm too cool of a teen to care phase & it will pass. The joy of Christmas has never left me. When I was little my folks and grandparents always always made it so special so I try to do that as well for my family, but hey I'm just Christmas crazy too. Along with my girls birthday gifts she came home to the decorated trees as well. Hope everybody is doing great. God Bless
Picture of my daughter at Halloween this year as Snow White
huge tree in the living room and smaller one in the kitchen for the dogs