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I had replied to a post earlier today about stress.  Something I do nightly for the past two years is pray & meditate.  I don't mean the usual meditation the ommm chanting but I sit down in a candle lit room each night after my people have gone to bed, listen to soft classical music- Chopin is my favorite or relaxing wind chime sounds, light prayer candles and/or specific colored candles for each member of my immediate family, then I pray, then I spend usually at least a couple of hours counting my blessings. I also think this keeps me from midnight snacking.

I need to read my bible more but there is a lot of power in prayer.  I'm a Christian but I don't push religion I live for the words of Jesus; there are too many judgmental Christians in the world!  Mark 2:17 New Living Translation When Jesus heard this, he told them, "Healthy people don't need a doctor--sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners." 

My husband calls me a witchy woman sometimes because of all the candles but he doesn't know the peace in prayer and/or doesn't realize my prayer time is so important to me.  Anyway if anyone ever reads this blog post I have been listening to these relaxing wind chime sounds for several nights now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uSqHrZgiwRM

Here is a site regarding candle colors & meanings which seems to give me more focus on specific prayers: www.gone-ta-pott.com/candlecolormeanings.html

Here is an awesome blog I came across with bible verses about stress: http://lynndove.com/2012/05/23/25-encouraging-bible-verses-for-stress/

Image above of my prayer candles from a few nights ago

I dunno but dang it was good! lunch was Gorton's classic grilled salmon, yes I know pre-packaged but when I'm preparing a meal just for myself... box comes with two 3.15 ounce patties

90 calories each, gluten-free, 15 grams of protein, total fat 2 grams, & 3 total carbs! So good kinda tasted like steak too. Dare I say my skinny picky eating family might like them too.

This is the last picture I let anyone take of me without running away.  Two years and about 20 less pounds ago.  My surgery is next week 3/13/14 YEA!

Had to make God & my daughter some promises.  I said Lord if I get skinny and lookin good I promise to not flaunt it, brag about it, tell other people about it unless they ask, I won't wear skimpy clothes or a bikini though I might want to my daughter says No don't you wear a bikini cause I can't or won't...though she is fit and could if she wanted to.  Lord I promise to stay modest and never forget that I have been fat skinny fat skinny fat fat fat & now after surgery next week after I get to goal slim & healthy; Lord let me never forget the person I was so I can become new.  Lord never let me pass judgement on anybody else that is like me or larger than me because I know the struggle.  My daughter also said don't you be posing all crazy for a bunch of pictures either; my reply was "baby I just want to feel confident about being in pictures again so I can take pictures with you" because I run from cameras now. I am going to post before/after pics and progress pics but I promise not to be half naked or do duck lips;LOL  My daughter also asked me today "Mom when you do get skinny what if your arms still stay big and flappy?" Dang kids are honest! I told her I'll be lifting some weights to try and combat that too.  

My beautiful daughter

My husband of 10 years who got the benefit of marrying me when I was at my lowest weight ever of 148lbs, cause I was starving, over-exercising & taking ephedrine is finally coming around to the idea of my surgery.  I'm almost 5'9 so I was skinny back then.  At first he wasn't too kind about my up-coming VSG surgery (3/13/14); he asked "how much is this gonna cost me?" just an insurance co-pay fella cause I finally got it insurance approved after trying for 2 years.  Then he said "you just remember who has taken care of you these past 10yrs so don't get skinny & leave me" - his insecurities, because though he is a 6foot tall skinny fella now before we met he was 250lbs. and I think those insecurities have followed him as my weight problems have followed me all our lives.  He sometimes has a bad attitude at home when he has bad days at work, but he and my daughter are the only two people in my life that have told me "you're still beautiful I don't see your weight I just see you" awe thankful they've been kind to me through all the health problems I've had; the two large cysts on my ovaries, having to have a hysterectomy not by choice cause I would've loved to have had another child, two large kidney stones that had to be busted up cause they were too large to pass, then my thyroid + all the Doc visits & co-pays these past two years trying to get covered for WLS added up financially.  But he is coming around last night he went and got some of my meds for me and came home with a pack of decaffeinated coffee & a bouquet of flowers.  SO sweet to me cause he knows on my pre-surgical diet that I miss coffee & the flowers just because were sweet too.  Here's to hoping he will be a bigger supporter.  Surgery is next week & I'm still wishing it was tomorrow.  Can't wait!

My hubby & myself my weight was at about 230 or 250lbs. in this pic

Thankfully I was finally approved to have VSG surgery on 3-13-14 so I'm counting down the days.  I haven't worked in about 3 years now because my daughter was going through some difficulties due to my ex-husband; I was going through a difficult time too because of things he put us through.  I was heavy when I was working too 230, 248 but since I've been focusing on being a stay at home Mom I've really put the weight on.  282 there I typed it 282.  Having a sluggish thyroid hasn't helped.  I also had PCOS and over the past 3 years have had two large cysts removed from my ovaries- 1 was the size of a grapefruit, after it was taken out I lost 20 pounds fast only to put it + more back on cause of having another cyst so large it had grown behind my uterus for which I had to have a complete hysterectomy.  Ladies I'm fairly young 39, and no matter what your Doc or friends say you do gain weight after having a hysterectomy.  I tried hormone therapy for a while but only got fatter.  My endocrinologist told me that someone of my size should have enough estrogen built up in my body to not have to take any HRT meds.  Also, over the past two years I've had kidney stones so large that I had to have them busted up, so I had to recover from that too.  I suffer with insomnia and as my thyroid is messed up some days I am LAZY, I do take thyroid meds but some days they don't seem to help.  My activity levels consist of doing laundry, cleaning house 2x week and taking my dogs in and out and loafing in front of the tv.  When I do venture out in public & run into someone I haven't seen in a while they are always shocked they always say "Stephanie is that you" yes it's me!  My Mom & Mom in law even make hurtful comments about my weight, though my Mom-in law was doing that to me even when I was at 170 so go figure.  Anyway I am dreaming of being healthy and fit and just can't imagine how it's going to be.  Finally getting approved for surgery after trying for two years has been a struggle too.  The only supportive people in my life are my daughter & my parents.  Everyone else including my husband-who has gotten used to me being home all the time are none to thrilled.  Lord I wish my surgery was tomorrow and that I could see into the future to see what my life is going to be like this time next year.

So day 1 was decent I ate two bowls of baby carrots as a snack til my jaw hurt though.  I haven't been missing the coffee caffeine feeling just the taste.  Been eating lots of boiled chicken and low fat cheese sticks-they are on my approved list.  Thankfully saw someone else blog on here about putting boiled chicken shreds in with chicken broth so that was good; chicken noodle soup without noodles. After surgery I just hope the cravings for the wrong foods won't be there.  One small victory so far; my daughter & husband ate McDonald's today & I ate a salad with grilled chicken and didn't want a bite of their McDoubles which were my favs.  Going without sodas has been fine too cause Crystal light fruit punch along with the many other varieties avail. is good, my daughter even likes them.  I have a short list of approved foods then just liquids two days before the surgery, gonna have to shop those two days cause when I thrift-store shop or just shop period my mind isn't on food all day.  This struggle is real but I am determined to be fit and slim again.  A crazy goal is to wear a storm-trooper costume this Halloween with my daughter who is going as Boba Fett yes I'm almost 40 but Halloween is fun no matter how old you are, so as soon as I'm feeling good I gotta hit the gym; I'm weird about that too cause I only want to join a women's gym, if I'm gonna get down & dirty & sweaty I want to do so around other women.  The co-ed gym where I live is nothing but a meat market anyway.  Gonna be a life long struggle to be healthy cause Lord knows I'm tired of struggling with my weight.

Counting down the days. Didn't have to start the diet til 3/4 but why wait.  Breakfast 3 hard-boiled eggs whites only, low fat string cheese and a glass of OJ. Thought I'd be having coffee withdrawals but I'm feeling fine.  I'm allowed de-caff but that's just broken coffee anyway so what's the point.  Have an all day nutritionist class and pre-surgery blood work & Dr. appt. on 3/5  OHHHHH I just can't wait to start my new life.

VSG surgery is 3-13 pre-surgical diet starts 3-4 but I'm starting just a few days early 3-1.  I've already given up sodas and have been drinking water or water with crystal light.  I am a coffee LOVER and am sad about having to switch to De-caff which is just broken coffee ;( anyone tried a good decaff that I can pretend is real? and I'm not a starbucks fan so it has to be sold at Walmart.

VSG scheduled for 3-13-14 which will be celebrated as my second birthday & new lease on life;

My Brutally Honest SELF Goals:

to not have neck fat

for my stomach not to touch my boobs

to not have back fat

to be able to wear my wedding ring again

for my hands and wrists to look slim - make sense to anyone?

to be able to shop in the normal size clothing section

to be able to cross my legs again

to be able to tie my tennis shoes without doing a heave ho

to wear normal shoes again - cause my feet are usually swollen

to be able to be in photographs again...I run away now

to not get out of breath after climbing a flight of stairs

to not have urinary incontinence-yes when I laugh too hard or cough too much it happens

to be healthy and learn how to love myself

there are many many other goals but these are just on my mind right now.