Jenny R

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Been what - 18 months since my last update? Unforgivable! Sorry about that.

Lets see. I regained 48 pounds in a very short amount of time from around July 2010 - October 2010 after my husband, Eric, was put into remission in March of that year. Believe it or not - I actually gained my weight after he got better! I learned (after I decided to reclaim my health) that I was doing it to create chaos in my world because I was bored! I wasn't going to chemo, surgeries, doctors appointments, etc. I was just existing. And what are ya gonna do when you're life is full of chaos and then suddenly unchaotic? Embrace the luxury of time of your hands? NAH! Eat. Eat and eat and eat. Because you're gonna die anyway - might as well eat. Right? Wrong.

So what happened to make me get back on track? I had an amazing support system who whispered in my ear "Psssst. Hey... you have regain? I know some other people who do too. Wanna get together and share our struggles and not be judged for it? Come this way!" and I haven't turned back since. I'm part of an incredible group who are helping me carry the weight of losing weight. Cause it's just as hard as it was pre-op to lose - I just have years and years of wanting to be healthy now and knowing what it feels like to be there helping me this time. My good friend and I talk about how we eat now and we realize it's been long enough that we just don't want to go back to pre-op ways - even if we have had regain. I wish I knew what it felt like 5 years ago before surgery but I'm so happy I do now. I'll probably regain again in my lifetime - but I know I can lose it now. No matter what - I have what it takes inside me to succeed for the long haul.

So here I am now. I'm at the same weight where I maintained the easiest for years. 48 pounds of regain are GONE! Yay! I'm still 10 pounds above my lowest but I'm ok with that because I feel good. I have more goals in mind for 2012 though! First I want to lose 25 lbs to get me to the 200 lb lost mark. After that it's ONEDERLAND, baby!!! I don't need to stay in the 100's cause like I've said before - I like being meaty - but I want/need to see 199 one time in my adult life. If I maintain between 200-220 for the rest of my life I will be content as can be. Watch me closely, friends. This girl is on her way in 2012!!!

Take care and know that I appreciate everyone who has helped me in my journey. I might not come to a lot of boards like I used to but that doesn't mean I don't care. Leave me a note and let me know how you are! 


                 Oct 2010                                      Oct 2011




                               Oct 2010                                                                                 Oct 2011

And here's my sweet little family now! Everyone is healthy, happy, and glad to be back to normal!

I'm struggling with trying to find the strength to pull deep within myself to do what needs to be done.

There. I said it.

So, good news. My husband is in remission with a slim chance of recurrence. yay. Yeah - I didn't capitalize it. I'm happy - just not happy happy. See - our lives are so different now. He struggles with finding normalcy, I struggle with finding normalcy, our kid won't ever know normalcy - so yeah, I'm kinda ho hum about it all. Don't get me wrong - I'm so grateful to keep him with me. I just fear damn near everything right now. It will probably get better with time, but right now I'm bothered by everything thinking cancer has struck again. Ache? Cancer. Pain? Cancer. Sneeze? Cancer. Day in and day out. Let alone the multiple "imprints" treatments have left behind including neuropathy, lymphedema, long term heart disease from BEP, and possibly a different cancer down the road from chemotherapy! Yeah. Big ol' ray of sunshine am I.

As for my health, meh whatever. I'm kinda there but really indifferent to it. I need to get back on track with just caring about myself but there's that whole who-gives-a-fuck-monster raising it's ugly head again. Everyone tells me that I should be proud for not gaining 50 pounds and/or killing someone in the process. I am. I'm just done thinking about anything really. It's gotten better in the last 6 weeks, but I know I have a long way to go. How the heck I'm going to pull the desire to keep trying out of my ass I don't know, but I'll try. That's all I can do right now. Keep trying. My kid starts kindergarten this year anyway so I'll have 5 days a week to work on me again. We'll see how that goes.

Thanks for all the support and prayers I've gotten from OH. I made this journal update for people who were wondering where we were at (that I don't communicate with on Facebook) and hope it finds you well. If you've contacted me to reach out and I haven't replied, I'm sorry. I just don't care to right now. Remember that person who used to actually be invested in others? I'm not that person anymore. Doesn't mean I don't appreciate the call-outs though. Thanks for that. I'm currently just in asshole mode. Bear with me while I attempt to give a fuck again.

Best wishes to whomever reads this,

Jen

For those that don't know me, at one time in my life OH was the epicenter of a typical day. A place where I could confront my crazy head-on and hold myself accountable. Through the many friends I have made here, I found courage and strength I never knew I had before WLS. My journey on OH has ended up impacting me in ways I never knew it would, and I finally feel comfortable enough to share about it now if you're interested in continuing reading.

Last month my 31 year old husband was diagnosed with a very rare and aggressive form of testicular cancer that metastasized to his lymph nodes and lungs in a matter of 5 months. After an array of extensive testing, it was the conclusion of multiple specialists that if we didn't start chemotherapy immediately, he would die within three to four weeks time. After having a mediport surgically affixed under his collarbone, we were ready and all bets were off. Would the chemo work? Would my daughter grow up with a father? Will he make it? Nobody knew for sure.

The first two days in the hospital I was alone for the majority of the time, sitting bedside to the only person in this world who has loved me through thick and thin, no questions asked. You would think being catapulted into despair would drop kick you back to where you've always turned, that being food. It was readily available 5 floors down through labyrinth-like corridors, just waiting to be explored and claimed.  

Amazingly, I had no desire to.
 
See, one thing I couldn't have ever imagined happening was having a wow moment sitting in the oncology ward of a local Dallas hospital. Part of the grieving process of my old life consisted of anger - but anger I didn't even know I had. I became enraged at all the time wasted I spent in idle SSMO while my healthy and active husband sat next to me waiting for me to get my head on straight. At that moment I hated every single Little Debbie that passed my lips, every milkshake I thought I needed, and every double cheeseburger meal that I allowed to steal precious active time with my spouse and child. Idleness. What a bigger thief than cancer.

So after encountering this newfound wisdom, and having years of experience living a healthy post-op lifestyle, I made it a goal to not regain any weight through this ordeal because we all know I could if I didn't care enough to keep trying. I have a good enough excuse to not care anymore, right? I mean come on. This isn't fair. I didn't sign up for this. I have every right to eat any Ding Dong and Dorito I can get my hands on. Yeah, not so much. 

Anyway, I will be a co-survivor when my husband goes into remission in 2010. I am claiming a cure because testicular cancer has an incredible cure rate, even for stage III cancer like his. But I'm also claiming survivorship from mental obesity, by not allowing traditional pitfalls like hardship and struggle to thwart my success. What good would it be to have him get his life back, only to waste it again because I couldn't keep my head in the game?! What a great disservice it would be not only for myself, but to his survivorship. I have learned that not only do I deserve more, but so does he. And I'll be damned before I give cancer one more thing from my life.

So please. If you're pre-op, post-op, non-op - stop the crazy with food. If you're like me and think age makes you invincible, think again. Put the bad food down. Don't waste another day eating something that is stealing, or could steal, precious time away from you and your loved ones. When you want to eat, think of all the things you can and will be doing when you just stop the crazy with food. It took me too long to get to that point, and I can never reclaim those years back. Learn from my mistakes. It's just not worth it in the end, because you never know where your path is going to lead. Fight back the food demons and stay on track. It's way bigger than sticking to a food plan, just for the sake of sticking to a food plan.

Stay strong, think strong, live strong -

Jenny

A new friend of mine asked the other day "How do you stay motivated to keep doing what you're doing?" because she wanted some inspiration.

Simply put - I'm not.

Motivation to me suggest that you have to have this internal energy driving you to get somewhere that never falters, gives up, or breaks down for a period. Heck - looking back now I don't think I've ever been motivated post-op. Because motivation isn't necessary when it's one sided.

See - my pre-op life and living will never be acceptable ever again. Motivation has been replaced with a sense of absolute - an absolute desire to do what I need to do to get the results I want.  I wouldn't call that motivation because the opposite isn't even an option anymore. I follow the simple set of cardinal rules laid forth and I live day to day peacefully knowing I did everything in my power to maintain or lose. There's no drive to question myself if I needed to work harder. There's no need to put myself down for being human. There's no internal struggle wondering if I chewed enough, counted enough, exercised enough, posted to OH enough, or prayed enough. And with that lack of motivation I've stopped kicking myself in the teeth for thinking I should always be doing more - causing chaos in my brain - which is eerily reminiscent of every pre-op diet I have ever been on before. Sound familiar to you? It sure rings true for me.

That's when I realized - diet mentality requires motivation. Lifestyle changes do not. I'm sure every person reading this has heard "lifestyle change" hundreds of times in their lives. Well long term post-op life is where the rubber meets the road my friends. You have the option to struggle post-op with motivation - getting pumped up to only start exercising when the weather is warm or eating protein forward meals twice a day, not always - but my hope for you long term is that you change the "I'll do that when" to "now's as good a time as any because the opposite isn't even an option anymore".

I guess I'm not motivated to do squat because I'm already doing it. And I got this way just by doing it. No motivation required.

Thanks for reading.

Jen

2 years out today. Nothing too exciting about it. Just doing what needs to be done to get the results I want. Wish I had something more profound to say but all I've got is - do it.

Here I am maintaining my weight loss and very impatiently waiting on plastics.



2 years down, God willing 40 more to go.

http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/rny/3835456/Are-there-some-posters-here-that-arent-really-serious-about/

My thoughts:

Surgery will give you "willpower" for a while because it will be an impossibility to get a lot in (unless you're like me and ate ice cream sandwiches like stated above and then realized that might not be the most ideal way to start the process - lol). As time goes by the investment will land entirely on your shoulders. For me I had to be FORCED to stop the food crazy and that's what happened in the beginning. I damn near had a tantrum every time I wanted to eat something and couldn't. And then I'd step back and go "WTH? It's only food girl. Get a grip!". I had to be stopped to understand that it WAS only food and with that I realized I never really needed to go apeshit crazy with it in the first place.

See, I'm the queen of black and white thinking. Actually I'm the dowager queen of black and white thinking because for the most part I'm a widow to extremes. I needed to find balance. I needed to understand it wasn't about perfection but rather about progress. People gripe about silly things sometimes and I'm sitting here thinking "but don't you SEE how far you've come?!" because I don't understand what level of excellence people expect to aspire to. In my experience if you don't celebrate the little things you're going to be holding out a while for the BIG things. Little celebrations for me have been paramount to the big things because it's the little things that make me want to stay the course. If I based all my victory on scale readouts the desire to follow the rules would eventually give way because scale victories cease. I'm more determined to follow the rules and let everything else fall around them. The rules are so easy they're really easy to complicate so that's why I'm centered and focused on following the rules as closely as humanly possible. And when chaotic thinking takes over I know I've strayed off the cardinal rules because WITH the rules comes clarity of thought and action. Who knew a simple set of lifetime rules would offer liberation? I know I didn't.

Now just so you know - I haven't had any formal therapy after surgery. That doesn't mean I haven't invested umpteen hours on self discovery through prior therapy, hospitalizations for depression and eating disorders, self help books, and just plain holding myself accountable. Accountability doesn't mean beating yourself up if you screw up. It means you look yourself in the eye and ask one simple question. Why? When you fall off the wagon you march yourself over to a mirror and literally look yourself in the eye and ask why you did what you did. Your reasons no matter how irrational they might be are still valid and deserve further investigation. Because your spouse not loving you enough, or your kid being sick, your bills stacking up in the corner, or your parents dying, or your dog missing, or your car breaking down will not be fixed with food. EVER. Chester Cheetah and Little Debbie are not going to make any of that happen. Once you realize that food is only food it loses it's power. And with this realization I learned it was never about the food. It was how I chose to use the food that mattered.  

So if you want to know what I choose to do to be successful - it's choosing to not put my head in the sand and ignore questionable behavior. Yes - I plan on jumping all over the scale for the rest of my life. I will regain. I will lose. I will bounce. I will stick. I will whatever. But as long as I choose to have transparency of action and thought then how could I not be successful. Success for me is all about being cognitive of my continual evolution. And with that cognition food demons hold no power in the court of my transparency.

Went to a doctor today because I have several symptoms of infection that I needed to get a prescription for. Didn't bother to go into full detail about my history because it's one of those go in and get out kind of places so I didn't think full disclosure was necessary (included the RNY because of malabsorbing time release meds I shouldn't take, etc). It was one of those "we help the uninsured" type of clinics.

Well, she takes her time hearing deep breaths from the back. She takes deep breaths from the front. Then she focuses on the left hand side and tells me to breathe normal. I'm thinking "oh she must hear something weird on this side - I should just breathe really well so she can see what it is".

After 5 mins (this is no exaggeration folks - 5 mins in doctor time is like an hour IMO) and multiple posture changes, sweatshirt removal, etc I start fearing the worst - like my lung is really junk filled or something really serious.
 
"Hmmmm."

"Hmm."

"I'm having a really hard time......it's just......I don't understand why.......hmm......I usually like to check up new patients just to see if there is anything off with them....and I'm having a really hard time hearing your heartbeat. Hmmm.....(several more attempts).....I just......it sounds so faint.........I just can't seem to get a good strong beat. Hmm....oh well...."

And I mentally collapse.

Sure, I didn't disclose my cardiomyopathy because sometimes I don't WANT to - especially to someone who's not going to treat me for anything but occasional whatevers (and when I get insurance I'll go someplace other then a clinic). But besides feeling bad that this woman spent so much time checking out a heart that's already broke - she was able to basically diagnose it on her own because there's been minimal improvement since surgery and the proof was in the beat.

You might think this is old news - nothin' new on the heart front - why be bothered by it? Well this is why. Because somewhere in my heart (ohhh the irony) I really thought my heart would get stronger after surgery. Several doctors told me once I lost the weight my heart would fair better. But instead of thinking that meant it wouldn't continue to KILL my heart faster staying SSMO, it just meant it wouldn't get any worse as quickly because my heart didn't have to work twice as hard for twice the person. So it's technically not any better and likely not going to ever be, it's just doing about 40% of what it can because that's my new max and hopefully will remain so til I croak.

So I don't know why I'm depressed. I guess it's just the same old same old. But I was really hoping that the same old would at least have some improvement in the heart department. But the damage is done and there's no reversing it. I might still end up on a transplant list sometime in my 40's. And it's all because I loathed myself for so long my body finally rebelled.

I replied to this thread about not having enough comraderie on the RNY board anymore. 


http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/rny/a,messageboard/action,replies/board_id,5465/cat_id,5065/topic_id,3819508/



Want to know why I recommend people talking to their doctors rather then a message board? 

CAUSE I KNOW JACK SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING!

Knock on wood I have never experienced a stricture. I haven't had a bowel obstruction. Or twisted bowels. Or bowels where the b decided to change from being a consonant to a vowel because a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y sounded better that week (I don't know why but that cracked my ass up).

Anyway - I answer how and when I can. I'll completely agree with you that there are VERY few people I care for here. I absolutely HATE saying that. A year ago this place was amazingly supportive. And it's not because I was a fresh post-op who was in the twilight of fast weight loss and wanting to share my excitement. There was a bond a lot of us shared and it's just not here anymore because people have moved on or decided OH wasn't for them anymore. And the people who I made this strong bond with communicate with me in the background because this board is just - different. I'm honestly not surprised a lot of people have moved on.

Sure - it's the internet - who the hell cares what happens on the internet right? Well if we're supposed to be a big ol' family where we can give honest feedback and genuine support then people have to be willing to be a part of it. There are so many lurkers or infrequent posters I don't recognize anyone anymore to support them in any kind of genuine fashion. Because I'm not a cut and paste response kind of gal. When I have the time and want to share I invest my life and energy in replying (like I am doing right now). I simply can not tell people what I've heard because I know absolutely nothing about their background. That is completely unfair if you ask me. "Yeah - XYZ had this happen to them so I think that's what you've got too" isn't fair to tell someone because what if it's something entirely different? How would I know? I don't know anyone here from Adam or Eve anymore because very few people make the investment to share more then their plateau complaints, foamies, and occasional milestone success (when they've only bothered to make 2 posts on the last 8 months so yay you - who are you again?).

So since this is how I see it, I will give the cut and paste answer "go ask your surgeon because that's what you paid them for anyway" because I actually care about what you take away from my posts. I have a friend who I know from here die from WLS because I didn't ever bother to tell her to maybe reconsider the pros and cons one more time before she got on the table because my surgery was so successful. I carry that with me to this day because I can't help thinking "what if?" What if I had just said one more time "are you really sure" instead of "you're gonna do great! See you on the losing side!" because I have only known success and a complication free outcome - nothing else. That what if could have kept her alive to enjoy this past holiday with her daughter who was devastated about the death of her mother who developed a fatal leak.

So yeah - it's way bigger then just replying for the sake of replying in my case. I refuse to make that mistake ever again because everything I know is based solely on my experience which will not be everyones and my lack of knowledge could literally impact someones life in ways you and I might not even comprehend.

Jenny

Post from TMB a pre-op asked about what you wish you only knew prior to surgery. Here's what I shared.

http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/TX/a,messageboard/board_id,4845/cat_id,4445/topic_id,3812342/action,replies/ 

Is there anything you wish you would have known/done prior to surgery that would have made you experience better, easier, etc? 

* Don't assume you will be cured of your obesity.

* Don't think once you've work out some of your food issues others won't arise to take the place of ones you've already faced head on.

* Don't assume you won't struggle with wanting to eat something naughty ever again in your life.

* Do research and see what kind of lifestyle suits you best - one of moderation versus one of absolute nevers.

* If you choose a moderated lifestyle be prepared to call yourself out if moderation turns from once in a while thing to once a day thing.

* Do find support groups and cling to them vehemently. People who know where you're coming from will be better able to "hear" your struggle versus someone who's never been here.

* Be prepared to fall flat on your face. Be prepared to claw yourself back to a standing position, only to fall back down, breaking a nail and scratching your cheek on the way down while you're at it - only to claw your way back up once again. Choosing to stay down after the last fall will only make it harder to get back up. So never give up!

* Don't take supplementation lightly. WLS is about getting healthier - not trading up malnutrition for a better body. Stay on top of your vitamins and bloodwork.

* Choose to stay away from trigger foods if you can identify them. If you can't practice moderation with something back away from it and stay away (and stay open to your actions always. Notice new habits that aren't normal and choose to face them head on before they become commonplace.)

* Learn about optimal nutrition and how your body works optimally. Understand fiber and protein and healthy fats and carbs. Learn to make your body work for you instead of against you. It's a lot bigger then just avoiding Doritos and Oreos just cause they're Doritos and Oreos IMO.

* Listen to your body very closely as time goes on. Understand what makes you hungry after eating it. If pot roast doesn't stick with you for very long then the next time you eat it pair it with a salad or more veggies.

* Don't freak out when you're able to eat more and feel like you wonder if you've ever had surgery. It's normal to be able to eat more. Just follow the rules of protein first, complex carbs second, etc.

* Get used to not drinking with meals for life. That is an absolute never do ever again IMO.

* Love yourself - no matter what. Love your excess skin that used to be filled with debilitating fat (it can be removed some day down the line if you want). Love your actions - even if they're wrong. Love your brain and crazy thinking you might have. Loving yourself no matter what you face will make the action of sticking with the rules much easier even if you make some questionable choices. NO you're not a piece of dirt if you screw up. You're human. Now back on the ball cause you're worth it! And if you believe you're worth it then it doesn't take too long to get your head back into the game.

* Believe you will succeed. Choose a goal that's maintainable. Don't let regain get into the double digits of pounds. Be consistent. Be accountable. Be strong. And believe you will do whatever you need to do for life to forever remain successful.
 

My response to a thread on the RNY board about regain (Fat lady at McDonalds): http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/rny/a,messageboard/action,replies/board_id,5465/cat_id,5065/topic_id,3803494/page,2/#30430075


I'm certainly not totally experienced but since I'm one of the longer post-ops on this board in particular I want to chime in here.

First off, you're not a newb forever. Hunger will return. Fullness will subside. The "rules" lose their credibility when you stop losing weight. Because we all know better right? Something MUST be done to make up keep losing weight especially if we're not at goal right? Twenty pounds left - gotta do something different to make it work! Same thing goes for maintaining weight loss. I'm up 5 pounds - I must do something drastic to get back down to goal! Otherwise I am a failure.  

So as we hit the fork in the WLS road we decide which way to go. Each one of us will eventually get there - it's just a matter of time and which route we choose to take.
 
See to the left there is this ideal that once we get to goal we're going to arrive. We're going to be happier, healthier, perfect - just everything wrapped up in a tiny little bundle of WLS success. We'll never falter, chose to eat bad foods, or stop following the rules because goal is what made us perfect. So we know without a shadow of a doubt we're dedicated to ourselves for the rest of our lives. No question about it.

To the right is "normal". We're close to goal, living life, and feeling good. We know we have to keep striving for health but we're ok with being where we are. We decide that because we want to be normal we start doing normal things. Movie popcorn couple times a week. Candy bar every other day. Doritos with lunch. Couple fries at dinner. Eh - whatever. That's moderation right? Yeah. I'm normal. It's everything I've wanted to be. And I couldn't be happier.

But before you think one of the two separate yellow brick roads will ultimately lead you to Emerald City you have to understand there are going to be additional forks in the road, detours, road blocks, more detours, dead ends, and plenty of squished squirrels along the way - on both routes. Nothing is without fault. No matter which way you choose there will be pitfalls you have to be prepared for. Additional byways you might not have been prepared for that literally pull the rug out from under your hard work because you turned one way when you should have considered the other.

When you're a new post-op you're filled with such enthusiasm. Understandably so - you feel amazing, thin, happy (for the most part), and all around optimistic about your future.

Then reality sets in. Wait a minute. You mean LIFE has to keep going when my weight loss doesn't go my way?

If this wasn't true we wouldn't read a zillion posts a month about stalls and 3 pound weight gains when you're 4 months out. We wouldn't see people frustrated. We wouldn't see people begging for instructions on how to change things to make stuff work because it's not going as they planned. We wouldn't see pouch tests and plateau busters and "I'm a worthless piece of crap because I ate X" posts. 

Well this terror doesn't leave you when you're 1+ years out. It gets worse for many. You eat so normally you don't feel like you ever had surgery. You eat plenty of food - enough to never be considered a WLS patient ever to a stranger and unless you swallow a chicken carcass you're not full like you were in the beginning. And NO ONE wants to be fat again. Right? You think that lady who was almost 400 pounds again wanted to be that way? Even eating Big Macs and french fries and a Coke and finishing it up with an ice cream sundaes I will bet my house she never wanted to be that way ever again sometime in her post-op life. But somewhere along the way she choose a fork in the road that ultimately led to her demise. And instead of turning back the way she came from she decided to trudge on despite the consequences.

Regain isn't about crap food. Really - it's not. Ultimately for the majority I will risk saying it was never about the food. Sure some food isn't as nutritionally sound as other options but ultimately it was what you let food be for you. It replaced your spouse not loving you enough. It replaced being proactive in staying on top of your bills. It replaced your dying cat. It replaced stress, fear, anger, sadness, loneliness, fatigue, suffering, or trauma. Heck - it could have even replaced your happiness. Because if you ultimately can't handle being happy then you're going to want to replace it with something else. And what is you're number one comfort if you never focus on changing it? Food.

The only thing changed after WLS is your anatomy. Your heart is the same. Your brain is the same. Your reactions are the same. Your feelings are the same. Everything that was broken pre-op is still broken post-op. Nothing is fixed post surgery except the fact that you can't get as much in so you're forced to stop the madness. It's up to the patient on how they handle it. You can say "I'm going to do this this and this and I will never fall flat on my face" or you can say "I completely expect to fall flat on my ass but I am determined to pull myself up by the God damn bootstraps if I have to bleed and cry and claw my way back up". I honestly believe the people who banked on their surgery doing everything for them for life and never look their own personal food crazy in the eye are doomed to failure. I don't care what surgery you had. If you don't work on your WHY it won't matter the what, where, who, and how.

Regain is about choice. You can choose to stop at 10 pounds or you can choose to allow 200 pounds back on. The choice was and always will be ours. I think it's safe to say for the majority we never had to get MO in the first place if it weren't for how we chose to use food. We still have that option post-op. It's just a matter of learning what that means for you. Not me. Not them. You. Cause I think it's pretty safe to say my food insanity is a special brand all it's own and unless I take the time to completely understand the ever evolving food crazy I do have I will be bound for regain hell myself. I will never be fixed. I just have to stay on top of replacing the band aids.