Where I'm at today...

Jul 26, 2010

I'm struggling with trying to find the strength to pull deep within myself to do what needs to be done.

There. I said it.

So, good news. My husband is in remission with a slim chance of recurrence. yay. Yeah - I didn't capitalize it. I'm happy - just not happy happy. See - our lives are so different now. He struggles with finding normalcy, I struggle with finding normalcy, our kid won't ever know normalcy - so yeah, I'm kinda ho hum about it all. Don't get me wrong - I'm so grateful to keep him with me. I just fear damn near everything right now. It will probably get better with time, but right now I'm bothered by everything thinking cancer has struck again. Ache? Cancer. Pain? Cancer. Sneeze? Cancer. Day in and day out. Let alone the multiple "imprints" treatments have left behind including neuropathy, lymphedema, long term heart disease from BEP, and possibly a different cancer down the road from chemotherapy! Yeah. Big ol' ray of sunshine am I.

As for my health, meh whatever. I'm kinda there but really indifferent to it. I need to get back on track with just caring about myself but there's that whole who-gives-a-fuck-monster raising it's ugly head again. Everyone tells me that I should be proud for not gaining 50 pounds and/or killing someone in the process. I am. I'm just done thinking about anything really. It's gotten better in the last 6 weeks, but I know I have a long way to go. How the heck I'm going to pull the desire to keep trying out of my ass I don't know, but I'll try. That's all I can do right now. Keep trying. My kid starts kindergarten this year anyway so I'll have 5 days a week to work on me again. We'll see how that goes.

Thanks for all the support and prayers I've gotten from OH. I made this journal update for people who were wondering where we were at (that I don't communicate with on Facebook) and hope it finds you well. If you've contacted me to reach out and I haven't replied, I'm sorry. I just don't care to right now. Remember that person who used to actually be invested in others? I'm not that person anymore. Doesn't mean I don't appreciate the call-outs though. Thanks for that. I'm currently just in asshole mode. Bear with me while I attempt to give a fuck again.

Best wishes to whomever reads this,

Jen

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