Well that's discouraging...

Jan 12, 2009

Went to a doctor today because I have several symptoms of infection that I needed to get a prescription for. Didn't bother to go into full detail about my history because it's one of those go in and get out kind of places so I didn't think full disclosure was necessary (included the RNY because of malabsorbing time release meds I shouldn't take, etc). It was one of those "we help the uninsured" type of clinics.

Well, she takes her time hearing deep breaths from the back. She takes deep breaths from the front. Then she focuses on the left hand side and tells me to breathe normal. I'm thinking "oh she must hear something weird on this side - I should just breathe really well so she can see what it is".

After 5 mins (this is no exaggeration folks - 5 mins in doctor time is like an hour IMO) and multiple posture changes, sweatshirt removal, etc I start fearing the worst - like my lung is really junk filled or something really serious.
 
"Hmmmm."

"Hmm."

"I'm having a really hard time......it's just......I don't understand why.......hmm......I usually like to check up new patients just to see if there is anything off with them....and I'm having a really hard time hearing your heartbeat. Hmmm.....(several more attempts).....I just......it sounds so faint.........I just can't seem to get a good strong beat. Hmm....oh well...."

And I mentally collapse.

Sure, I didn't disclose my cardiomyopathy because sometimes I don't WANT to - especially to someone who's not going to treat me for anything but occasional whatevers (and when I get insurance I'll go someplace other then a clinic). But besides feeling bad that this woman spent so much time checking out a heart that's already broke - she was able to basically diagnose it on her own because there's been minimal improvement since surgery and the proof was in the beat.

You might think this is old news - nothin' new on the heart front - why be bothered by it? Well this is why. Because somewhere in my heart (ohhh the irony) I really thought my heart would get stronger after surgery. Several doctors told me once I lost the weight my heart would fair better. But instead of thinking that meant it wouldn't continue to KILL my heart faster staying SSMO, it just meant it wouldn't get any worse as quickly because my heart didn't have to work twice as hard for twice the person. So it's technically not any better and likely not going to ever be, it's just doing about 40% of what it can because that's my new max and hopefully will remain so til I croak.

So I don't know why I'm depressed. I guess it's just the same old same old. But I was really hoping that the same old would at least have some improvement in the heart department. But the damage is done and there's no reversing it. I might still end up on a transplant list sometime in my 40's. And it's all because I loathed myself for so long my body finally rebelled.

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