Danette W.

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The support group.  The thing I depended on is splintering.  I'm just really sad that they let personal issues get into the way of the ultimate objective.  I went to my group today and kinda expected ppl that I have been meeting with to support me. I'm grateful for the 2 vetern members that came as well as a newbie.  C was the one who was a constant at the groups.

To  be continued I Just realized I can't write this right now.

Okay, yesterdays' support meeting was difficult.  One of the women who had the surgery was there.  She had experienced extreme side effects.  So extreme she found you that she would never be able to work a her chosen profession again. 

Our bariatric clinc is fairly new and none of the doctor's and specialists in town don't have experience with bariatric patients and their special needs.  Like how it affects your current prescription drugs.  What drugs you will be able to take and how the surgery change the effects of the drugs on you.  

Anyway this woman is epileptic she had abscence seizures.  Just a second or two of not paying attention is how I guess I would describe it.  She had 2 grand mal seizures at work and she's an OR nurse.  She's also suffered irreversible brain damage because of these seizures.  She can't make connections between the words and objects.  Like if you say pick up the sponge and be looking right at the sponge and not make the connection.  She has memory problems and noticable personality changes.

Only after she had the surgery did she find out that she wouldn't be able to take 90% of the epilepsy drugs and the others they couldn't even tell her if they would work due to the malabsorbtion issues.  Now she's found out that the ones she was taking don't work.  A grand mal seizure when you are a surgical nurse pretty much seals that you are not going to be able to work again.  She was in fact told that she won't ever nurse again except maybe to work in a rehab hospital and even that is a question mark.

I'm glad I chose this group because it presents me with all sides of the issue not just the rah, rah.  This woman supports me.  She just gave me another part of the puzzle to think about.   I'm about to change my entire freakin' life in a really substantial way with no chance of reversal.  She's genuinely happy that I am getting the surgery.  And she's gonna come and sit with me before the surgery. 

But then all of us being human beings.  Others in the group chose there own personal issues over me and kinda left me hanging in the wind.  They didn't even send me an email in support.  I saw one that I thought that would support me at Le Circe du Soliel. But I guess that I felt that they could have put aside their personal differences and come to the meeting.  I was hurt by their indifference to me.

The great thing about the group was all the different points of view.  Those who totally advocate the surgery and those who are dead set against and those who attended the program and managed to lose the weight on their own.  (One woman has lost a total of 110 on her own by diet and exercise).

Now the president has taken the position that we can't critisize the physicians.  This is not utopian surgery.  It has major and lifelong implications.

I am still going to have the surgery because with my health problems its six of one half dozen of another.  While their is a chance to make my life better.  I guess it's like cancer and chemotherapy.  You don't know if it's going to help but you do it anyway in spite of the horrible side effects. hmmm some of them the same as bariatric surgery.

I think that I mentioned that Crystal and my cousin Tashia are going to come and sit with me before the surgery.  I told that I have to get there at 6:30 am but my surgery may not be until 11:30am.  I'm hoping that it will be at 8am. 

I was pretty upset about the group but know that I am making the right decision for me. 

I need the chance to change my relationship with food.  Because right now it's abusive.  I'm going to take this step.

I have one more person to call that wants to give me the negative side of the surgery but they got their surgery in 1986.  Things have changed drastically since then but I need to listen to him. 

One thing I do question is why are all these questions coming up in the 11th hour.

thin you later?  Danette

It's been a tough couple of weeks.  The liquid diet and then I had three funerals in the last 10 days. Native funerals are all about the food.  It was so hard.  I did slip and have a couple of cigarettes but I'm back on the wagon again.  It's so stressful.

My life is going to change so much on Monday. It's the start of a whole new life. There's not too many things in your life that are so momentous. I'm having second, third and fourth thoughts.  I know this is the best thing for me because my health is sooo bad but the changes to lifestyle are so huge.

My support group is falling apart it seems. The VP and secretary and activities director have all resigned in the last couple of days.  I don't know if there is something going on that I don't know about but it's kinda devestating to see this happen.  We have 5 vacancies on the board.

I have a support group meeting tomorrow and it's gratifying to know that quite a few people are coming to support me before my surgery.  I just hope that the group doesn't fall apart.  I'm gonna need them more than ever in the next few months.  Especially since a lot of them have already had the surgery and know what I am going through. 

Posting on this blog has helped because there are so many like minded people here.  How is everyone else doing?  Anybody regret their decision? 

I took a picture with all my workmates before for I left work.  Then at Christmas time we will take another picture.  Hopefully I'll be a sliver by then well maybe not a sliver.  My goal weight is 160 pounds. 

One thing that I noticed is that my blood sugars have been great since I started this diet.  I'm down to 20 units of Lantus a day as to 120 when I started.  I did have a couple of low blood sugars and had to take the sugar tabs.  Hopefully that won't affect my results.  It actually happened when I was shopping last Saturday.  Nearly passed out in Walmart.  I look forward to (hopefully) never having to take insulin any more.  The shots were never really my favorite thing.

I made another batch of chicken soup broth yesterday.  It was even better than the last one.  I'm getting pretty good at it.  I freeze the chicken for when I get to eat meat again.  I dream of meat. 

My aunt was being a bitch today and eating my favorite blue licorice in front of me all day as well as buying some beautiful looking fudge.  Neither of which will be in my future ever again. I read a post about someone who had thought she could eat a small piece of a torte and wound up passed out from hypoglycemia. Scary!!!

There are a lot of hopes and dreams tied up in this surgery.  I hope I'm prepared enough for all the work I'm gonna have to do after this. 

Oh yeah I started taking lactaid and it's helped immeasurably with the diarrhea and farting.  As long as I remember to take it before I drink the shakes.  I had some milk the other day and I could actually hear the milk making its way though my stomach and intestines.  I never knew I was lactose intolerant before I started this diet.  I did remember that I had trouble with ice cream when I was younger it use to make me vomit afterwards.  I'll have to find another alternative to milk when I'm out of the hospital.  I'll probably have to do the lactaid milk instead of regular milk.  I haven't tried soy milk yet but I have tried the almond milk.  I hated the flavour of the almond milk but I tried vanilla and not just the plain milk.

Well I think I have been going on for long enough.  I'm not sure when I'm going to be able to post again I have a pretty busy week-end ahead of me. I was hoping to start today but the funeral interferred in that.  The funerals were all on the reserve so was a long drive there and back and my whole day was shot with each funeral.

Thin you later.  Danette

Today it was smells.  Food smells were assaulting me from every direction.  I managed to distract myself but it was hard because we lost a major block of business that could affect jobs.  I really don't want to be let go.  I've been working there for 16 years.  We've lost so much business  over the past few years.  I believe that it's because they have been hiring a lot of people from another insurance company and their culture doesn't mesh with ours.  We use to be known for our service now service was one of the issues cited  Nevertheless I didn't have my old friend food to turn to to comfort me.

I was going to just go to surgery on my own but I decided today to ask my cousin to keep me company until I go into the operating room.  She's agreed but has to be ready at 6am.  she usually doesn't get up until 11am.  I've called her at 2 in the afternoon and she's just getting up.  I'm thinking that maybe I might change my mind and go by myself.  It might make me more nervous but then If I have to sit there and think about it for 2 hours.

I saw my brother on the way home today.  It was funny because I've worked really hard not to think about this too much.  He asked me how many days and I really had to think about it. 

I'm trying to decide to go to the fair.  I really want to see Streetheart.  But talk about temptation.  Those little donuts, elephant ears, ribs, perogies, sausage and, and, and.  I guess I'm not going.

Well that's enough for now.

Thin you later.

Danette

Okay so now it 5 days and counting down.  For some reason I'm strangely at peace.  My emotions have been a complete roller coaster over the past 8 months.  I get excited then scared and then I'm certain I'm doing the right thing and then I question every step. 

I've had done a lot of reading before and am now reading more than ever as I get closer and closer to R day.   I participated in a chat on bariatric buddies yesterday.  That was kinda nice.  Discussed food and exercise. 

Saturday I made a homemade chicken broth in the slow cooker.  The smell was heavenly.  It tasted pretty good if I do says myself.  I picked off all the cooked chicken froze it for future use.  Picked up the recipe from the food network canada's Bitchin' Kitchen my favorite cooking show. 

I'm not struggling as hard with the liquid diet.  Today was the first day I wasn't pooping  my brains out out 4 days.  It was nice to get off the damned pot.  Of course just in time for work.  I got lactaid pills to help with the milk digestion

I've got a lot to do this week-end to prepare for my convalescence.  You know cleaning house, laundry.  I live alone so I have to do as much as possible before the surgery date.  I'm a little bit scared of living alone during the first few weeks but I do have a phone.  I will be staying with my brother for 4 days once I leave the hospital.

I am looking forward to the 6 weeks off of work.  My job has suffered some while I'm going through this.  I'm so distracted.   The first 2 will will be shite but the next four should be pretty cool.

Tell me I'm doing the right thing.  Good thing I have a support group meeting on Saturday. I'm gonna need it. 

Thin you later.

Danette

So I think I've finally figure out what I am doing wrong.  I keep putting myself in situations that are normal but this is SNAFU time.  Things are not normal and I have to pull myself out of normal life and temptations. 

I did really well yesterday.  I discovered the tastiness of vietnamese soup broths.  Oh my god yum, and they have Beef, chicken and pork broths.  Very satisfying.

I am going to make my own chicken broth today.  That way I can tweak it anyway I want.

Things are a lot easier this day.  I've lost 6 pounds in the last 6 days, but I think it's all pee and poop cause that's all I'm doing.  I think that I'm lactose intolerant so i've switched to lactaid.  It seems to be helping.  I'm also trying almond breeze but I didn't notice I was buying vanilla flavoured an I don't like it.  I will try regular next time.

Oh yeah I just discovered, after I opened it of course, that the iso xp I bought was chocolate PEANUT BUTTER AND I HATE PEANUT BUTTer.  I can tolerate it but it's a plug your nose proposition for me.  I'm not gonna waste 49 dollars on something and not use it.

I'm going to walk downtown today and pick up either chocolate or strawberry.

Well here's to a new day and a new tomorrow.

Yesterday was a bad day and a good day for me. 

I attended the funeral of my dear dear cousin.  He was only 45 and it was hard to say good bye.  The funeral was on the reservation and the social afterward was torture.  All the foods I grew up with and loved.  They did have soup I could skim the broth off and sugar free jello two diet staples.  I did manage to behave myself and not indulge.  But I just wanted to take a piece of fried bannock and stuff it in my mouth or...2 ...or 5 pieces. ( Yeah I'm fat cause I'm greedy)
...
Then that evening I went to Alegria the Cirque du Soliel show.  It was so amazing!  I'm thinking of spending the money and going again tonight. 

But I fell down again.  I had 3/4 of a box of popcorn.  I'm back on the wagon and I was doing well. 

I wasn't even hungry.  I even had a built in guilt inducer.  Once of the women from my bariatric group was there and she even came down and said hi.  I knew she saw the popcorn.  IT WAS IN MY HAND.  I addressed it.  I then put it under my seat because the show had started.  I resolved not to eat it.  Then halfway though the show I remembered it.  And ate it.  I could have stopped myself. 

  Ido like the shakes.  The only problem is I might be lactose intolerant.  I have gas really bad,  always farting.  And now I've developed diarehha.  A gallon of milk every 2 or 3 days isn't helping that's for sure. I will ask the group today.

I'm gong to take the bus to walmart today to get some of those jello cups.  After the parade.

Okay I'm still bitchin' about the liquid diet.  It's day 3 and I have to confess that I cheated...already.  I had some safeway chili about 1/2c last night.  I went to pick up my prescirptions and had to pass by the chili and told myself it won't hurt anything.  I am so over it now.

Today I decided that I was making too big a deal out of this.  The 2 funerals I have to go to this week tell me to suck it up. I just got back from the first one and the wake for the 2nd one is tomorrow with the funeral on Friday.  One person was 1 year younger than me and the other 5 years younger.  I have to realize that I am blessed to have this chance to change my life.

No cheating today.  And no cheating tomorrow or the day after that or the day after that.

I went out to a vietnamese restaurant and ordered their beef noodle soup and only ate the broth.  Damn it was good.  And they served you enough that I feel full.  He looked at me funny because I left behind all the "stuff" (noodles and beef).

I also made sure to be more prepared today.  I took a shit load of sf jello to work and ate at that everytime I felt hungry.  Now I am so full and I have to get in the last part of the protein shake in today.  

I am also spending more time concentrating on what I am feeling like.  When my stomach is empty when my stomach is full.  It's a time for self analysis.  At least I have a chance to do this, the people who died didn't have that chance.

Okay this liquid diet thing really blows. I am having a hell of a time with it.  I told everybody at work that I was on this diet and how hard I was finding it.  What happens one of my podmates decides to bring back sugared donuts.  I was so pissed off.  He was apologizing but still left the effin' things in plain site.  He's such a turd.  Did I get support from anyone else.  No. 

I've still got the whole evening to go and it seems like forever from here. 

Well I'm gonna go make my sugar free jello and heat up my chicken broth.  (Vegetable broth tasted like hell I think I'll have to make my own)

Okay so the thing I'm thinking about most is this liquid diet.  This is going to be damned hard for me.  I  understand why but it's just really hard to do.  I quit smoking but I never have to smoke again, I can never stop eating. 

I went for my pre-operative assessment today.  They brought up concerns that it might no help me with my diabetes.  This was one of the main reasons for doing the surgery.  Here's to hoping that their speculation is wrong.  I think they think I've had it longer than I have had it.  I've already suffered some complications ie/ retinal tear, trigger finger, depression.   But  I have been working pretty hard to keep it under control.

My weight hasn't changed.  I haven't lost anything but I've looked at my food diary and I can see the problems. 

I think I'll go for a massage a couple times a week for the time being instead of once a month.  For some reason I'm never hungry after a massage.  I found the perfect massage therapist for me.  I had issues in taking my clothes off in front of people.  I found a blind therapist, problem solved.

Well here's to a liquid diet.  (Slurps protein drink.)