Laurien G.

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Weighing less and less...and now I have collar bones and I feel hips!  WOOOOOO HOOOOO!!!! I feel like the most gorgeous woman in the world!  If I feel like this pre-op, I can't wait for post-op!!!  Don't get me wrong, things are still "broken".  My ankles still ache and my knee feels like it's going to give out, but not too long and I'll be doing even better! Praise the Lord for the good AND the bad days.

Hello OH Family,

I'm feeling pretty desperate and helpless right now.  As usual my husband slept in on a Saturday past noon, which of course was never a big deal when we were newlyweds and didn't have a son. But now it's different (I'm sure most moms can understand). We spent 5 hours of our Friday evening at the hospital because my son had all the signs of a concusion. Turns out he has a viral infection that we'll have to treat at home.  Of course he's too young to understand that we took him to the hospital because we care about it him. But this morning he was up around 7 and of course being the mother I am, I was up with him, trying to encourage him to eat, drink fluids and take medicine.  Most of which he did without hesitance.  But after only a couple of hours, he was ready for a nap (understandable).  Hours later, my husband appeared from the bedroom, groggy and speechless, as usual.  After running a quick errand and watching him practically ignore our son for about 3 hours, I was fed up.  I politely (and I really did do it politely this time) asked him to put up the video games and interact with his family, if for no other reason than for his sick son's sake.   I am incredibly frustrated!!! And after thinking about my past 5 years of knowing my husband, realized that I'm with him because at the time I was/am really heavy and MAY have married him out of desperation. Don't get me wrong. I love him and he provides for his family and often he acts as if he's emotionally DEAD.   I'm up for surgery in 2 weeks and I'm afraid that after the weight loss I'll have the gaul to leave him out of selffish motivations, ignoring our vows and all we've been through together. I'M REALLY SCARED!  I can barely see the screen through the tears, so I hope all of this clear.  I love my son and I want him to be raised with both parents and I still love my husband, but I will admit there are a lot of days I'm unhappy in my marriage. But I thought that was a part of any normal marriage...right???  Any advice...ANYBODY????

UPDATE:  
My DM (dear mother) was able to offer her services free of charge as a non-biased third party.  IT HELPED IMMENSELY!!! They, my DH and DM, were able to uncover that my husband is addicted to video games.  He's realizing just how much of an impact it has had on his marriage. He has agreed to put the games down for 48 hours and after that will have a set time for 2 hours on Saturday (he hasn't decided on the time yet) and that is the only time he can play. The rest of his spare hours he will be spending with us!  I'm feeling a lot more relieved. 

I wanted to publically post this for several reasons: 

1) Men, Christian or non, can be addicted to video games and ignore their family and life in the process. Everyone needs to know that this is a possible addiction just like ours (food addiction), alcohol, sex, etc.

2) Addiction can only be overcomed with the GUIDANCE (NOT HELP) of the Lord.  Only the Lord Jesus Christ can cut the bondage of addiction. No matter how many years of counseling you want to go through.  Trust me, I've been through YEARS of counseling re: food addiction and my relationship with food, and it wasn't until I realized I was putting my trust in men's hands instead of the Lord's that I was able to begin my healing process!  Addiction requires a DIVINE intervention.

3) I realized I was WRONG for allowing Satan to visit my home. How did I do that?  By reading other people's thoughts re: divorce after WLS and having the audacity to consider it!  I was SO WRONG for doing that!   Now that doesn't discredit my feelings and my husband's obvious addiction to video games, but it does point to the fact that I need to put my belief and hope in God's hands and not be influenced by a non-believer's willingness to jump ship on their marriage at the slightest miscommunication or tough moment.

We're all so very "besited", as my 23 month old says, at our house.  My surgery is in 15 days and Grandma (my mom) is coming in 10!  My son is bouncing off the ways excited and helped me get ready for my surgery yesterday. We went to Target for me to pick up a couple of essentials (slippers--I don't have any "functional" ones) and a couple of surprises for my son's fun pack, while he waits with my mom and husband during my surgery. 

I just want my mom and husband  to has as little stress as possible while I'm in surgery and recuperating. I'm at my personal pre-surgery weight loss goal already (lost 12 lbs., down from 288.4 to 276.4). Now all I have to do is maintain it or lose more by Oct. 3rd, that's my pre-op appointment.  Trying to be as good as ever to make sure I don't gain so much as an ounce before my first or two pre-surgery weigh-ins.   That's been REALLY hard because I started on the pill again after being off for 4 years or so.  And the reason I got off in the first place is because I was gaining so much weight.  But since my surgeon requires that his female patients use 2 forms of birth control to avoid pregnancies too soon after surgery, I didn't have much of a choice.  I've had horrible experiences with the IUD, patch and spermicides, so that only leaves a few truly reliable sources. Ick!  It's not something I really like talking about.  

Moving on...Yesterday was my first day in a week of not doing yoga. But I did have a good excuse: my son was sick and we were at ER during the time I ususally devote to ER and by the time we got home, it was way too late.  So back on the horse later today!  

Hope everybody is having a great day!

If you're ever hanging on the fence and trying to convince yourself to exercise, you've got to check out this article:    

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/6712923.stm




 

I just realized something about myself that I'm not so proud of: I am very dependent upon others affirmations for my own self-esteem.  

I posted an honest question on the main board titled, "To eat or not to eat".  I got some great answers but I realized that all of the times I've posting HONEST questions I've been looking not just for answers but affirmation through posting a "hot" question.   How sad!  How embarrassing that I'm dependent upon others interest in my thoughts for my self-esteem. I remember after seeing "hot" flashing next to my question and picture and thinking "WOW!  I'm a great person".  Then I started wondering, "But wasn't I a great person before...or was I?"  

I don't want to be dependent upon others for my self-esteem.  I want to have my own SELF-esteem.  I want to not only have my own view of myself, but also have a view that is based on my OWN feelings, not others.  

Earlier today, I was taking a daily 1/4 block walk with my son to the community mailbox. And just as we were leaving the house this thin, young looking mother of 3 comes sacheting by with her jogging stroller and cool shades.  I admittedly did not want to leave my house, but what could I do? She had already spotted me and my son wanted to run up to her son and say hello (he's a VERY social toddler).  So I had to walk out and I felt so uncomfortable, just walking out of my home. I think I would have been more comfortable if I had been completely naked!   I felt disgusting and like I was embarrassing my son.  So we went to the mailbox and walked behind her and her kids. When our sons started interacting she stopped and all she could do was stare at me..A DEAD ON STARE.  I thought she had burned a hole in my head, she stared so hard. I tried to make friendly conversation, but soon realized the only one willing to talk was her son.  I was so glad when she called for her other son (who was running ahead too quickly) to stop moving and the moment was over. I felt so sorry for my son, but he had no idea.  I can't wait until I lose enough weight that I feel SOMEWHAT accepted my society so that I son and I can go back to playgroup again. 

So I did the scariest thing possible: I looked up my actual ideal statistics today.  All I can say is...WOW!  Don't believe me? Here take a look...

Highest recorded weight: 288.4 lbs (7/07)
Goal for surgery date: 275.0 lbs (10/15/07)
Current weight: 274.4 lbs (9/22/07)
My goal: 120.0 lbs
Ideal weight: 110 lbs.

BTW: That means I'd have to lose 178 lbs to get to my idea weight or lose 168 lbs. get to my personal goal

                                   

Does anyone else think that this is a HUGE change???

Repost from message board:

So I'm a little panicky.  I just did the math and realized that my personal goal weight and my ideal weight are about 170 lbs away!  In other words, I'd have to lose 178 lbs to make my ideal goal and 168 lbs. to make my personal goal!  IS IT ME OR IS THAT AN INSANE AMOUNT OF WEIGHT TO LOSE??? And on a side note, I REALLY don't want to have plastic surgery but I know with that amount of weight loss is pratically inevitable.  Has anyone lost this much weight and NOT had plastic surgery?  I'm mostly not wanting it because of the amount of pain. I have a VERY HIGH pain tolerance but I've heard some of the toughest people I know cry just by the thought of their surgery.  Granted I've been through oral surgery, a tonsillectomy, a c-section, and 2 days of intense labor (w/o drugs--my one bragging rite in life) and yet I'm worried about the pain from plastic surgery?  GO FIGURE!