Laurien G.

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Yesterday was a real day for me and what do I mean by that? I was aware of my emotions and had no problem facing them. After having a pretty good day and a not so eventful evening, my family and I sat down to our dinner.  We discussed the goings of the day and my husband proudly announced, "Guess what, babydoll?  I weighed myself earlier today and I've lost 18 lbs."  I was excited, inside and out. I smiled, gave hearty congratulations and then later thought, "That's not fair!!!"  Immature...? Maybe.  Real...?  Absolutely.  You have to understand my husband is 5'9". When we met he weighed all of 140 lbs.  Skinny pole--the picture next to  this definition WAS my husband.  During my pregnancy he gained 40 lbs.  Can you believe it? He actually gained twice as much as I did!  I, through diet and exercise and doctor's close observation, gained all of 22 lbs.  After Joel (our son) was born he gained another 20 or so pounds.  Honestly, after that people thought he looked like a normal guy. He was happy until he got on the scale and realized he was very close to swaying into the overweight category. For most guys, they wouldn't care but my husband is a sailor so he has to stay in his weight class.  All these years I've known him, he's been a soda drinker and I don't mean a drinker. I mean he practically drank soda as much as be breathed air.  After some convincing and threats of increasing weight gain, he gave up SOME of his soda for juice.  And then later he gave up his soda after a complete threat from me.  So he hasn't had a soda in I don't know how long.    Let me put it this way in the last 3 months he's had a total of 2-20 oz. sodas!  I'm so proud of him.  But as my mom said, he wouldn't have done it, if it hadn't have been for my "convincing". He was thankful and he clearly expressed it at dinner, but I couldn't help but think about how I was struggling. In two months, I've lost a total of 10 lbs.  and it is a daily battle to keep the last 2 lbs. off.  So just like any other good daughter, I called my mom last night, crying "Mommy....".  Don't get me wrong. I tried to talk with my husband first but we all know men fall into fix it mode whenever women talk to them.  So tried to help me by saying, "Just stop eating" when I went to when with tear-filled eyes and said, "I can't stop eating".  I know all of you know what I mean when I say, "I can't stop eating".  Your ghrelin runs high especially if you've been eating bad carbs...and I had eaten pasta earlier for dinner.  My mom was COMPLETELY understanding.  After all, she's seen my struggle ALL OF MY LIFE...literally from my first diet when I was under 10.  Being heavy has always been a struggle and my mom has seen almost every moment of my struggle so I know I can always turn to her.  And I was so glad to be able to turn to her when I needed to say, "Am I crazy?  I have a problem. How come my husband doesn't understand my problem?"  Well after an hour of conversation and calming me down and coming up with some food substitutions for when I want bad carbs, I felt A LOT better.  And of course I was then able to take that new knowledge and TRY MY BEST to explain all of this to my husband, which for the most part he understood.  I'm so glad he did.  Unfortunately this probably won't be the last time we have to talk about my battle with food, but I do look forward to the day when I don't have to.

I guess today is blog day for me. I noticed that I go through spurts.  There are days I have a lot to say and then I go through a "dry spell". 

My final ta-da is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on honey wheat bread (yummy). 

I know my surgeon said NO BIG TA-DA'S OR FINAL MEALS...  
       
but this one is 3 weeks out and I want to stop eating HORRIBLE FOODS!  
I'm tired of eating like a dog, consuming foods that are there and available despite it's actual contents.  

So while thinking about my upcoming surgery and realizing that I have an addiction to certain foods I figured for my own good it would be a good idea to devise a list of foods to stay away from for my own sake:

--bread
--cereal
--pasta
--high sugar treats (more than 10 g per serving)

I want to make sure I eat carbs but stick to fibrous carbs like brown rice (if my body will accept it), etc.

I think this will help me avoid dumping syndrome (which I AM looking at as a tool NOT just something to avoid).

Will it be hard at first? 
            YES!  
Is it worth it? 
             I would imagine so!  

To any post-ops: 
            Does this sound unreasonable?  
            What foods do you avoid?
            What foods do you fear?

Note to self: Hmmm... sounds like something I should post. I think I'll post it in the morning.


Another thing just came to mind: I don't want to go to therapy AGAIN. I think I've been to enough therapists so I would like to "self-medicate" through blogging and recording my thoughts either via digital recorder or video recorder. Any thoughts???

So I have how  much to lose until goal weight????   

152 lbs?!?!  

Am I insane?

Since posting my original list of my mini-goals, it has grown a lot. I wanted to make my mini goals publically known so that I constantly have something reachable to strive for and others can see my progress as well, not only as a means of team celebration, but also as inspiration.  I hope you enjoy it.  I plan on reposting it later if it grows by another 25+ goals, again....or maybe not. Sorry but I decided not to add pictures to this list because there are just too many lines to find smileys for and I felt like it may have taken away from the seriousness of this entry.  I HAVE GOT to remember to get all my water in for the day. Anyone have any suggestions???

1. Shop in the regular part of the store

2. Fit comfortably in an airplane seat without an extension belt

3. Cross my legs completely while sitting

4. Weigh less than my husband

5. Not feel my ankles ache 

6. Not feel my kness ache

7. Wear heels for longer than 30 minutes comfortably

8. Feel comfortable with my phot being taken

9. Not feel back pain

10. Have lots of energy

11. Cross the treshold with my husband carrying me

12. Keep up with my son

13. Run with my husband

14. Fit comfortably in my bathrub

15. Fully wrap myself in a regular-sized bath towel

16. Wear underwear that doesn't resemble a parachute

17. Not have a double chin

18. To reach high school weight of 199 lbs.

19. Fit into a standard restaurant booth

20. Reach high school size of 16/18

21. Feel my collarbones

22. Feel my ribs

23. Wear a bathing suit

24. Wear a bikini (but not in private)

25. Have sex in a lit room

26.  Take off my own bra from behind

27. Bending down without thinking about it

28. No longer pulling my t-shirt down over my butt everytime I get up

29. Not being recognized by a close friend or family member

30. No longer have skin rashes

31. Not have a fear of falling all the time

32. Hear catcalls from strangers

33. No longer be a premature diabetic

34. No longer be a premature diabetic

35. Force myself to eat because I have to

36. Feel comfortable having sex

37. Enjoy working out

38. Be able to wear my mom's clothes

39. Have my husband hug me and link his fingers together

40. Not having the fear of dying in my sleep

41. Feel confident

42. Truly feeling HEALTHY

43. Moving wihtout fear of knocking everything over

44. Hearing my husband say, "You're sexy" and agreeing 

45. Never want to eat like I used to

46. Achieving a truly HEALTHY pregnancy

47. Eat at a restaurant like a NORMAL person of average weight

48. Fit into old clothing that is in my storage closet

49. Buy new fashionable wardrobe

50. Feel comfortable in my new body

51. Go on our first date...AGAIN...the way I wanted it to be

52. Wear a normal belt

53. Feel like I fit with my husband

54. Speak from experience at my support group

55. Speak up ebcause I feel confident

56. Get wedding rings resized

57. Have a space between my thighs (you girls know what I mean)

58. Get to the point of CONSIDERING plastic surgery

59. Have a total loss of 25 lbs.

60. Have a total loss of 50 lbs. 

61. Have a total loss of 75 lbs.

62. Have a total loss of 100 lbs. (become a Century Club member)

63. Have a total loss of 125 lbs.

64. Have a total loss of 150 lbs.

65. Reach my goal weight

66. See my dimples again (without forcing them to show when I smile)

67. Cross my ankles or legs without curring off circulation

68. No longer feel tight skin around back of knees

69. Have an ACTIVE lifestyle, not just exercising

70. Feel comfortable in my own skin

71. Have Italian lace dress made once weight stablizes

72. Take pole dancing classes (just because I PHYSICALLY can)

73. Wear clothes in my everyday closet that I never have before

74. Feel more comfortable with sweating

75. See the muscles in my legs (particular my calfs)

76. Feel comfortable sitting in an AVERAGE chair

77. Not consider weight limitations on amusement park rides

78. To climb stairs without ankle pain and being out of breath

79. To have an actual lap

80. To see my collarbones

81. Stop slouching because of my "top-heaviness"

82. No longer have a bottomless pit for a belly button

83. Stop snacking and grazing

84. Never see 280+ again  ACHIEVED!!!  9/18/07

85. Never see 270+ again

86. Never see 260+ again

87. Never see 250+ again

88. Never see 240+ again

89. Never see 230+ again

90. Never see 220+ again

91. Never see 210+ again

92. Never see 200+ again

93. Never see 190+ again

94. Never see 180+ again

95. Never see 170+ again

94. Never see 160+ again

95. Never see 150+ again

96. Never see 140+ again

97. Feel like I have abs

98. Wear a short jacket without worrying about showing my butt

99. Fee like I'm doing things for myself

100. Start doing pilates on a daily basis

101. Never see 130+ again

Today is an amazing day. Why?  I'm accomplished mini goals today.  My list! As you all know I came up with a list of 50 mini goals. And after posting this earlier, I decided to expand it and of course add to it as my life changes.  I'm so excited because I actually stopped eating in the middle of a meal because I felt satisfied, not full, not stuffed, not uncomfortable, but SATISFIED.  Can I get a round of applause please?    Thank you! Thank you!! Thank you very much!  I started back up with pilates yesterday and am HATING Denise Austin  (the video instructor), although I do follow the concept of "no pain, no gain".  My husband (who is a gym rat) insisted that I take a break today because my abs were burning when I breathed.  However, I am REALLY looking forward to starting again tomorrow.  I really love pilates and want to keep this as one of my forms of exercise post-surgery.  So, it may have been a tiny mini-goal but I ACHIEVED IT and that makes me feel REALLY GOOD!!!

My most recent post on the main forum board was interestingly enough what I wanted to say in my journal today  So instead of trying to rewrite it, I decided to just repost it on my blog.  Enjoy!

Post Date: 9/13/07 9:23 pm

It's funny to see somebody say something about this. I'm in the middle of my pre-operative diet right now. I was on a liquid/protein diet to lose weight prior to surgery that was NOT doctor recommended nor was it nutritionist approved. I went to support group tonight and my nutritionist insisted that I go back to her original "suggestion" of eating a 1200 calorie diet based on the diabetic exchange program, which for me means eating 2-3 milk servings, 4 high quality starches, 2 fruits, unlimited veggies, 6-7 oz. of protein, and 3 high quality fats a day.  I had some trouble with it earlier which is why I went to the liquid/protein diet but it was much too extreme for being so far away from my surgery date (Oct. 15th). My nutritionist said a liquid/protein diet is a good suggestion for someone who's 2 weeks away from surgery and looking to lose some wieght.  Hope this helps!

A compulsive need for anything has little to do with the thing itself.