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This is a pretty cool little doomahickey! you can actually see my plateaus! Crazy






(this entry will be allllll over the place, just a forewarning..)

I figure I'll go ahead and post a blog since I haven't in a while. As you may have seen, I quickly snatched up a Little Black Dress from Banana Republic a couple days ago. I'm in love.. I've never had a dress like that before. Its one of my 'Wow' moments I guess. (I also picked up the classic trench from Banana Republic too.. EeeeeeEEE!!)  

DiD anyone else's FEET shrink?? I went from a shoe size 10 to an 8.... (not that I'm complaining... i'm addicted to Nine West heels now, too...)

The attention from.... males... is almost annoying now. I'm not quite sure how to handle it so I typically just laugh it off. I'm getting the whole "You're too skinny" shit.. and I'm not. I have 10 more pounds to lose before I'm actually in the whole BMI "Normal Weight" range. (which yes.. I know.. Its a bunch of crap, but I still wanna do it. The way I see it, BMI is what qualified me for the surgery, so I might as well give it a chance.)

But.. I'm finally fitting into all these clothes I've been dying to have forever. I even splurged and got the new Sidekick LX as an awesome accessory LOL. I never ever thought my wardrobe would consist of Oleg Cassini, Banana Republic, Nine West, Armani Exchange, The Limited, Michael Kors, Ann Taylor... damn.. I've got a pretty good stash, but its already to-die-for. (at least to me) 

I've UPGRADED MY LIFE. Got rid of a no-good husband (IIIIIII filed so there was no mistake as to "who left who", hahaha) Working on a great wardrobe, having to turn people down for get-togethers, got may car paid off, got a 5% raise at work... everything should be peachy keen right? I dunno...

I still see myself as fat.... which no one but WLS people (and maybe anorexics) would truely understand. I know I blogged about this earlier, but its still something I'm struggling with.


***

Its October 5th... a friday. I just checked the scale for the first time in forever. (Okay so i checked at my boyfriends house last week, but before that, it hadn't been since my last blog post, most likely) 

Anyway.. I'm down another 5 lbs. I'm officially at 170...... which brings me to being only 20 lbs away from my ultimate goal (150). I had it stretched at one point to being 145 - 155.. and I also FOREWARNED my friends that should I make it this far... I didn't want them bitching at me that I was getting too skinny. I expressed my feelings on wanting to be under weight for once in my life. Even if it was for a week.. haha. I wanted to feel what the true 'Other Side' felt like... and I still do. I feel like I'll get a lot of critism over this, but oh-fuckin-well....



I wonder what I'll look like. I know I don't look rail thin right now.. and a meezly 20 lbs won't put me in the (Pre-Pregnancy) "Nicole Richie" category... but shit.... I still see FATness when I look in the mirror. I think its because I have a stomach roll. 

It's so psychological. 

The scale says 170, I'm in a perfect size 10 (pre-washed & from the store) blue jeans from dELia*s, I'm buying HAWT Victoria's Secret bras...... but i sure as hell don't look like a size 10... or in MY eyes i don't. maybe i do to other people(?) because they can't see my saggy skin and stomach flab.... 

Pre-surgery... I had a really hard time understanding the body dysmorphia issues that I read on people's blogs. I'm not sure one can honestly understand a weird psychological effect like this, unless you are going through it. 

Sitting in the bath tub kinda sucks now. The bones in my ass hurt against the hard surface. I feel like my collarbones are popping out everywhere. I still catch myself running a hand along there checking to see if I can feel them. Is it bad that I get off to seeing my bones? (and I say this as I sit here eating.. so no.. I'm not anorexic)

Sometimes I feel like i have to fight to eat. I'll start feeling bad and just want to go lay down.. but in the back of my head its saying "eat something" and I'm like... fuck.. I hate feeling like shit... so I just eat. Its all so backwards. 

I get freaked out when I go out to eat. I'll order, and nibble for a few seconds... and then I'm left for the remaining hour or so (or however long it takes people to eat) just watching others ingest food. My mind wanders and I start to get grossed out.... Going to buffet-style places are the worst though. Its not the people eating the food that grosses me out.. its seeing all the food. Thinking about how its just there for the taking... LOL Its a Feeding Station..... and I look around. my stomach already bloated from a few bites of food... and I see people getting plates and plates and plates of food. And then I start measuring.. and I picture the size of their stomach... And then I realize that people just have NO CLUE how much they really eat. and you DON'T realize this until you've had the surgery. I was guilty of the exact same shit... because you CAN... you CAN take that last little bite of meat off your chicken leg... or you CAN finish the hot roll with honey butter. Sure, you might feel a  little bloated after... but having the surgery...  you just CAN'T. I know some people do... but I turned out so super sensative to shit... Personally, I just simply can not. Believe me.. I get pissed off with this sometimes, sometimes I DO just wanna be a porker with my friends and pig out. SOmetimes the food is SOOOO freaking good I want to enjoy the whole thing.. 

But I also realize its the exact same reason that my life is so different now. "Nothing Tastes as good as Thin Feels.." i hated that quote before and I still do now. LOL... Just cause I knew better than to believe it. 

However... having said all of that, I would STILL have the surgery again. Without hesitation, in a heartbeat. My eyes have been opened to just how sensative our bodies are, and I worry about a few people that are very close to me. I never really cared about cholestoral or shit like that before.. (I never had any problems with it personally) but now.. I catch myself almost in a panic attack when I think of my friends.. My boyfriend has diabetes and he's checked my bloodsugar out of curiosity. While mine was 80, his was triple that. And he's not anywhere near being morbidly obese or grossly out of shape.....

I feel like I'm rambling.. I'll write again later..


***

Well here I am, a few days shy of being exactly 7 months out...  Stuck at 180... but I know I've been majorly slacking about working out. Things have been crazy hectic in my life the last 4 months. On top of having to deal with the surgery and my changing self, throw in a divorce, moving, and all kinds of sucky drama.... 

though the drama should be over with, stress is always there.. but like I was saying.. maybe it was because of the time of year... summer and whatnot.. but everything seemed really hetic. Which didn't leave me a whole lot of time to get in the gym. :( I've been bad... I know.

 though I didn't go NEARLY as much as I should have... i didn't say i hadn't gone "at all"... and I met an unspoken goal of actually running a mile. Yes it was on a treadmill, but I kept my pace up at 5.2 the whole time.

My skin is finally starting to shrink a little.. I'm really not worried about my flabby 'wings' (as I call them)  and I can absolutely tell with the 'fat pinch' (style of measuring bodyfat)  that mine has dwindled to a crazy low. And when its not an actual fleshy roll of skin, I have the old-lady style wrinkles (real thin and soft feeling), especially all over my stomach - though I HAVE noticed them occasionally on my arms.

**

I've been feeling kind of bad lately... So many things in my life have changed, but I am down lately. I even caught myself acting completely foolish... You can really  become obsessed with everything weight related after the surgery... Shit, a huge part of you has no choice. But for the first time, the other day, I was looking at a friends pictures on her myspace, and yes... the thought went through my mind, ""Omg.. I'm so much skinnier than her now."" And I felt horrible about it!! 

of course I sat there and thought about why after.. and it was probably just a reflection of myself... pissed that I let myself get so out of controlll and 2ndly, not even realizing HOW BAD I WAS.

I'll admit.. things are coming so much easier now... and in a way I hadn't expected. Attention from males, shit.. my cell's phonebook has practically exploded in the last 3 months.. my phone is always ringing... I have to turn down invitations to go out every weekend (I went crazy for a while, but i can't afford it anymore).. the clothes... good god the clothes. I'm a fucking snob now.. I'm dressing the way I want to, but its not cheap.. even though I have to start completely over, I LOVE what my wardobe is turning into. Friends and acquaintances are mimicking my style... which is ... awesome and flattering yet scary and intimidating at the same time... 

Basically.. for someone who is shy and very much an introvert.. my world has been turned upside-down. Sometimes it doesn't quite feel like its real........like I'm really not the person wearing these prized "Size-10 Oleg Cassini Slacks"... the on-the-go life.... mandatory party guest... new-found style icon.... 

Having said all that... Would I have the surgery again? Absolutely. I'm just having to adapt in more ways than one about becoming a different person.


***

it may only be 2 pounds under 200 (198) but I'm still under!!!! Woooow.

I am now in a store bought & pre-washed, size 14.  Crazy when I think that in January, I was a 22/24. I am shopping at Jones New York, can fit in the juniors sizes at Walmart (I LOVE their new line of vintage style tees) .

I think I might have hit my first real plateau... not bad for being down 80 pounds already. I'll work through it, so no worries.


***

I've been kicking myself for weeks now.. every time I would come to update, I'd always forget the most important info! I wanted to mention that almost immediately after surgery I noticed the fatness under my skin become more loose. You know how in PE class or gyms they try to do the fat 'pinch' to see what your body fat is... well mine was always a little hard to do, especially on my legs since they were so tight. well now, its the exact opposit. I can pinch and grab the skin on my arms, my wrist, my legs.. everything. And its not grossly hanging or anything yet, I'm just assuming its the lack of sodium or water retention I have now. 

Since my last post, I've lost 7 more pounds. I got a little scared there for a while.. like I had actually hit my first plateau, which I probably did, but I pushed through it. I am now undeniably in the 220s. Which is insane to me! I am now only about 20 pounds away from being UNDER 200, a huge difference from pushin close to 300 lbs. 

I have been working my arms out with my 5 lb weights and WOW! Honestly, I avoided this until now, because I was battling my mindset about  'bulking up' and how that was the last thing I wanted to do. Well, I AM actually trying to stay ahead of the droopy skin effect, so I've been making myself do it. 

I look at my Pre-surgery & one week comparison... and boy does it gross me out. I look so HORRIBLE before... What kind of major denial was I IN!!!?? My body definately isn't a movie stars, but I fit loosely into a store bought solid 16 (not 16/18). So from my starting size 24, that is a loss of 4 dress sizes. I think it might actually be hitting me now.... just how much weight I'm losing. I think I look presentable now... my double chin has withered into one... I still have a chubby face, but hey!! its one chin!! I'll write more later... gotta go!


***

Well I have noticed a pattern with my weight loss... I platuea off when I start PMSing, I gues smy body starts to fight the bloat that goes along with the regular monthly cycle.. but after I'm done, I lose more. Interesting and slightly frustrating, but I still can't complain.

Almost everyday I come into work and I have 10 different people say how great I'm looking. Sadly, I've only lost another 10 pounds (a total of 50) but I'm reverting back to the basics. I went a little wild with trying to figure out what I could handle (I discovered I can handle sugars pretty well, which isn't a good thing)

So, Here's the recent run down:
---  Lactose free milk tastes soooo good, but is too heavy for my stomach...
---  I CANNOT have anything carbonated. Talk about painful, I  have to make myself throw up, if it doesn't come up on its own.
--- I tried a small bite of tuna fish, which ended as a straight up NO. It was so bad, I've been too afraid to try again.
--- Soft solids are still the easiest to eat, except the yogurt, I think it may be the dairy-ness of it, but it doesn't "Sit Well."
--- I can eat salads! Lettuce and veggies in general are surprisingly easy to tolerate, which I thought would be opposit.
--- Rice, Breads, Potatoes, and Pasta fill me up quickly with a slightly bloated feeling, so I can really only eat a bite or 2.
--- I did try a few (2-3) large cocktail shrimp with cocktail sauce. which went over alright, I ate them slow though.

Oddly enough, I have the HARDEST time with meat. Any kind of meat, my stomach just says 'Nope.' Only perfectly cooked chicken seems to work. I tried out the chicken nugget kid's meal from McDonald and that came up before I could even finish swallowing. The only thing I've been able to eat out is 2 peices of sushi. Salmon is too 'meaty' and not 'light and fishy' enough. The fluffy white meat fish goes over better since its "lighter."

I was chowin down on the Gerber Graduates "Lil Entrees" for a while. My favorite flavor was the Mac n' Cheese with a teeny side of peas & carrots, or the beef ravioli in tomatoe sauce with a side of green beans.

I'm still trying to work on my water intake. I go through these dry spells where I'm so not thirsty. But I can tell I need to drink because my skin will get all itchy and dry. 

Aside from that, my neighbor has been giving me all her older, bigger clothes... which I'm gladly taking, since they are 10, 12, and 14/16. She's a little shorter than me, so most of the pants I roll up to capri length and they look sooo cute. I'm pushin it in the 14/16, but WOW.  Thats down from a 22/24. All ove my OWN clothes are unwearable or look horrendous on me. I shall post pics soon. :)


***

Its not officially a month for 3 more days, but I thought I'd post now anyway. I have become a REALLY finicky eater - which I'm still trying to get under control (or at least figure out a LITTLE). There is really no telling what mood my stomach is in to know what not to eat when its time. One day I will tolerate yogurt and cheese, the very next day it will absolutely refuse. 

I didn't want to start throwing up food because your gag reflex dwindles and a weird, deep burp could cause stuff to start coming up. WELL... thats me now. When I eat something that isn't agreeing, I go to the bathroom, point a finger to the back of my mouth and *Ping* I'm done. I think its really freaking me out, actually. LOL But all is well I suppose. I still think I've had only one true episode of 'dumping.' and that was right after I got out of the hospital. This whole 'throwing up' stuff is because of my small stomach opening (i believe). I say that because my throat doesn't get sore after, and I never sense any of that stomach acid taste. 

I finally had a few (extremely chewed) pieces of bread. It was a delicious crossaint. LOL. I don't know why I've been so scared of carbs this whole time, but the few bites I had went very well. I'm not going to push it though... who knows, this semi-adtkins diet may be why I'm up to 40 lbs now. I now weigh 240. I think I'm just getting excited because the bar in the scale isn't partly covering the big 80 or 60 anymore. lol...

So 40 lbs in a under a month and I'm just now getting some random comments from co-workers. I didn't tell anyone but my boss and the girl that works directly with me (since she would have had to cover my shift for any unexpected problems) All they are saying as of right now are things like "You look... different.(me: "what do you mean") I don't know, there's just something different." and I usually laugh and play it off. 

My pants are now being hiked up to under my boobs so that I don't have all this bagginess around my crotch area. I can tell my thighs are going down because my pants aren't anywhere near as tight as it used to be. Maybe I've gone down a size... I won't know until I go shopping which will be Thursday at the earliest. 

I'm kind of sad my first month is over.. now I KNOW I'll be looking good for my birthday (in May) because if I lost 40 lbs the first month and I have 3 more til my birthday.... thats a possible 120 lbs loss by then. I'm going to cross my fingers. Some people do it!! I've read about it.... will I be one of the lucky ones?? Shoot... I'll be jumping through hoops when I'm under 200. lol...that alone would be enough for me!

***

Well.. wrapping up the last week has been tough. I'm not exactly sure what was going on with my stomach, but I threw up a lot this week. This is hard work!! Trying to constantly figure out what I can or can't, should or shouldn't eat.....  I'm down 30 lbs so far now. I'm really noticing it around my upper stomach - under my boobs. I've gone down 1 size in my tops. I'm comfortably in an 18/20 now. 

And this isn't even a full month. I'm excited about what I could possibly look like for my birthday (end of May). I'll be 5 months out then and hopefully I'll weigh half of what I do now. *crosses fingers*

The throwing up isn't like being SICK. It's really uneventful. I'll throw up to get rid of the incredible "Pressure" I feel (like you took a bite of something really really dry and its having a hard time goin down - possibly stuck). I still haven't ventured off enough to try rice, crackers, cereal, and other grainy, bread-like carbs. I'm still pretty much with the semi-solid foods.... yogurt for breakfast, string cheese for snack, Soup-To-Go for a main course, and I usually taper off about there. I try mixing up the liquids... unsweet tea, crystal light pink lemonade, ice water.. I AM paranoid about dehydrating.

And I've tried really hard to make myself not be an inconvenience when my friends want to grab a bite to eat somewhere. I get the soup, or a side of mashed potatoes, with water or tea. Its not so bad... but it is a lot of mental work!

So thats about it for now, I'll be back in a week with another update!

***

First of all I would recommend everyone getting this tupperware set:
 The Small fits perfect 'lunch' portions for post-oppers going back to work! The Medium fits a whole can of refried beans perfectly (not wasted!). And The Large fits a properly made can of condensed soup (with can of milk or water!) Now that my product endorsement is done... I'll be moving on!! lol


I was finally upgraded to SOFT SOLIDS today! Whoopeeee! I drove straight to the grocery store after my dietary class. My shopping list included these lovely items:

1) No-Fat Refried Beans
     (4 cans)

2) Shredded Cheddar Cheese
     (1 package, low fat)

3) Fat Free Sour Cream
     (smallest tub they had)

4) Cottage Cheese
     (two 4 packs)

5) Eggs
     (18 ct)

6) Lactaid Fat-Free Milk
    (lactose free)

7) Cheddar & Colby Jack Cheese Snack-Ums 
     (by string cheese, they are block slices and perfectly portioned)

8) Dannon Lite & Fit Yogurt
    (just grabbed the multi 10 or 12 pack)

9) Campbell's Soup To-Go
    (in Velvety Potato & New England Clam Chowder)

10) Campbell's Broccoli & Cheese Soup
       (2 cans)

11) Sugar Free Chocolate & Vanilla Puddings

12) Tuna Fish
       (4 cans)

13) Fat Free Mayonaise

14) Yellow Mustard

So what can I make with all of that? Well this is where my creativity comes into play. As soon as I got home, I had a "Tortilla Free" taco. I grabbed my smallest plate, spread a tiny layer of refried beans in a little circle (about 3 inches across), sprinkled some shredded cheese on top, microwaved for 20 seconds, and topped with a tiny dolop of fat free sour cream. (think SMALL portions, I could only eat a total of 3 bites.. but it was sooo good)



While I was at it and SO incredibly excited about my new freedom, I boiled 6 eggs. 2 Whole eggs got cut in half to make 4 'deviled eggs' (the pickle relish isn't allowed yet) and the remaining 4 eggs got cut up and mixed with a couple spoonfulls of fat free mayo to make Egg Salad. This makes about 2 cups of egg salad.

I also learned today that not everything has to be Sugar free or totally Fat Free. These both just need to be kept to an absolute minimum. And I also caught myself on the verge of prolonging my meal. In class today, They said 3 meals a day - no snacking. I made my bean and cheese 'taco' and after roughly 3 bites, I was full and noticed I started slowing waaaay down. Well, I realized that when I get 'full' like that, its considered a 'meal.' so I immediately stopped. 

Just wanted to update everyone. And I was weighed today, its an official 15lb loss! Wowsa. LOL... 

***

I'm getting a little weirded out by the fact that the scale keeps going down. I just weighed myself again a few minutes ago and it said 260. Thats a total of 15 lbs. Oooh maybe I can break the 20 lbs mark by my appointment on Wednesday. ;)

How can that be? I weighed 275 almost a week ago, and YESTERDAY I weighed 264. Where the hell is it going?? I haven't been able to poop in like 2 days! (they say its a common side effect of the Pain meds they send home with you.) So am I peeing it out?? I do pee multiple times a day... maybe its possible.

I think this calls for trolling the message boards. Haha... I'll update again later. :)

PS: I keep forgetting to add how much my legs have changed in this first few days. As soon as I got home from the hospital (and first time I was without the super-tight circulation stockings) maybe I had an itch or something, but I grabbed at my leg. OMG. My legs from the knee down were BOTH seriously hard/tight from all the water retention.... and NOW i could push a finger into my calf muscle for the first time in years. Then I start going all over and I am so amazed.... I can grab my calfs!!

**