How do we measure success?

Jun 21, 2009

That's a very good question.  I had my first real TEST today (Father's Day of all days) and I don't think I did very well.

My brother is here visiting from Hilton Head.  It is great to have him here.  It really is, but tonight was something I didn't anticipate.

Because Uncle Josh is here, tonight, for dinner, my wife decided we should have cheeseburgers made on the grill and some fresh corn on the cob.  Now, I HAVE come to accept that my family will continue to eat foods I can not (especially while I'm still on liquids).  I'm quite enjoying the limited foods I am permitted to eat.  But like many of us, juicy cheeseburgers made on the grill with the juices seepeing out and a side of fresh corn on the cob are my weaknesses.  I LOVE my red meat. ( I know, I know ... LOL)

Now my wife is trying to be as supportive as she can be.  She specifically asked me if I wanted them to eat in another room, Or if I wanted to watch TV while they ate and eat my stuff later.  I said NO.  The family is eating and I will eat with them.  If I can't handle it, then I will get up and go into the other room.  But i NEED to try this.  And so I did.  As Uncle Josh brought the burgers (medium rare with the cheese melting off the sides) to the table, I sat down with my yummy split pea soup. (which I DO like -- just not as much as cheeseburgers! 

Now I had prepared myself for what the food what look like.  I knew it would look yummy beyond belief.  I knew I'd want it.  But I also knew I could be strong.  I was doing the right thing.  Here's what I was NOT prepared for --- People TALKING about their food.  I just didn't realize how much people do that.  How descriptive their words are.  That just DESTROYED to me tears. 

Uncle Josh-  How's everyone's burger?  Did I make them the way you like them?
L- Yummy.  Juicy just like I like it
E- Yup.  Not too dry.  Its perfect. and the cheese is just melted perfect enough
E- And this corn is so good, I already got it stuck in my teeth.
UJ- You can see how good MINE was cuz its gone already! 

You get the idea.  Its wasn't just seeing the food that killed me.  I was just not prepared for how people TALK about food.  I made it through my soup, and went into the other room before I cried.

I entitled this blog, "How do we measure success?"   Lemme say why.  What IS success?  Is it getting my 64 oz of liquids every day?  Is it getting in my 80gms of protein every day?  Is it NOT saying "Fuck This" and having a burger that would have killed me or at least made me dump?  Is it making through a meal with your family and NOT crying?  HOW DO WE MEASURE SUCCESS?

I know my friends on here will tell me I'm going great and that tonight was a success. At least I didn't do something stupid that I'd have regreted only minutes later.  But I'm not a success.  Not tonight I'm not.  I CRIED because my family ate something and did exactly what they'd do everynight, and I wasn't prepared for it and couldn't deal with it.  FAILURE!

I know that because of these short-term failures, I will be a long-term success.  I KNOW that.  but DAMN, it was hard tonight.

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