torn

Jun 07, 2010

Back to the OH again... I had my beautiful baby boy November 24th, 2009. I am 36lbs (sometimes 40lbs... just depends on the day) under my heaviest weight when I was first seeking weight loss surgery. Yes I feel good about that, but I still have at least 80lbs to lose to not be overweight anymore... and honestly I would like to lose 100lbs. The last few months weight loss surgery has been on my mind again and one night I was thinking about it and my husband randomly brought it up again...asking if I had been thinking about it. I never told him at ALL that I was thinking of the surgery again so I took it as a sign that maybe I need to be more serious about it.

My husband has a new job... new insurance... looked into the surgery and nope... not covered. So we are seriously researching self-pay options. Sadly we have hit hard times and trying to figure a solution out is not easy. I could ask my parents or my MIL... but its alot of money to ask for. We could try to get a loan, but because of my husband being without work for 3 months our credit fell. Luckily we are mostly caught up now but we aren't totally out of the water yet... things aren't back to normal. My husband loves me and wants me happy and healthy, so he is very supportive of my choice ot have the surgery and wants to find a way to make it work.

One option that is more obtainable would be for me to work and save the money. Seems simple enough, right? Here is where I am torn... I don't want to leave my kids. I have a two year old and a 6 month old. They have new milestones almost daily and I love being able to see them and enjoy them while they are little. Don't get me wrong, I am not a clingy mother and I don't want to buck my own responsibilities to my body... and i know the long term possitives of having the surgery will be worth the short term struggles... but I am done having kids. These two boys are it. They are only going to be little for so long. If I went to work for the sole purpose of saving up money to pay for my DS, and I miss out on my babies milestones, I would have guilt that would last me a long time. Although my husband and I hit on hard times, he has always said he would rather me stay home with our kids. Yet now for the surgery, I guess because it would be until I got the money, he is supportive of me working to make the money.

So here I sit... torn. Between a full life where my weight will no longer control me as a person...or seeing the milestones of my children and giving them the assurance I will be here. I know they will know I love them.. but just being around does count for something. My mom always worked... goodness she retired a year ago and yet she STILL works.. she was babysitting all year long for her friends grandchild... and now she is considering going back to work (unless I need her to watch my kids)... and as long as I can remember she would work and I never truly knew when she'd be there. I went to alot of functions as a kid without my parents being there... my dad was in media so he was always on call for something. I know my mom loves me... but even now... I don't know when she will be here.. physically here. I never want my kids to feel that way.

I am torn... very... very... torn.
0 comments

Back to check out the non-surgical weight loss board

Jun 20, 2009

Hey everyone! Not sure if many of you remember me... I was denied surgery in February by my insurance.. and my husband and I really didn't have the means to pay for the surgery... so I started to try to lose on my own. Well I was able to get my weight down 10lbs (sometimes 15... it depended on the day! lol) to 265lbs. I think God had other plans for me because alittle over a month after finding out the insurance denied me we found out we are pregnant again!! I am now 16 weeks pregnant, my son just turned One a few weeks ago... life is on a whirlwind! I am proud because this time I am watching my weight rather than pretending its not there. I am now a study 263-262lbs. I have been eating those healthy choice meals because they are good and quick and fairly healthy. My goal is to try to lose down to 255lbs before the baby starts to really gain weight. When I was pregnant with my son, I only ate once a day most days.. and then I would overeat at that one meal. Not a good idea. It didnt only make me tired and sick... it was probably the cause of my weight gain. This time around I am trying to eat every few hours... at least 3 times a day... even if its just something small. I think overall that is going to help keep this weight down. I joined babyfit.com because they have an overweight trying to lose while pregnant board.. but its not very active.. and I would like more support.. or at least someone to talk to about my weight woes. So I decided to stop back here to good ol' OH to check out the non-surgical weight loss board and see what other support I can get. The sting of being denied with my surgery has faded... so I am encouraged to end this pregnancy better than I started! :) And to continue to lose after.
0 comments

Thank you Everyone

Feb 22, 2009

* Hey guys and gals,
I wanted to thank you all SO much for all the support you have given me over the last 2 months or so. I don't think I could have gone through this process without your support. Although I am not having my surgery, having everyone help me through this process is something I will never forget. As weird as it may seem... this denial has given me motivation. I just started a food plan called the skinny switch... normally I NEVER give into eating plans, I am an advocate for working out to get the weight down, but I was watching infomercials before Church yesterday and for once, this made alot of sense. So I joined up and have started today. Even though I know the chances of my gaining the weight back the next time I get pregnant is high, by then my DS might be covered. Right now keeping this weight is not an option. I need to lose it for my son... my husband... and ultimately for myself. I deserve to be happy and healthy and my family deserves to have a wife/mother who is happy and healthy.

I wanted to thank everyone because I will not be around here much anymore... to be honest, it just hurts seeing everyone get approved or even having the means to self-pay (even though I know that sucks too) and then seeing myself stuck. I am SOO happy for everyone who IS getting switched and I am excited for the new life you will all have! It would just be too hard on me... that is all. If anyone wants to keep in touch, you can hit me up on myspace... www.myspace.com/allthewiser  or my music page which is www.myspace.com/jennifernance


Again, thank you all so much!!! You are all such amazing, wonderful people!

~Jennifer Lindsay
0 comments

Am I the only one up?

Feb 16, 2009

My mind is racing... its almost 3am and I just cannot seem to find sleep. Of course my 2 hour nap at 7:30pm probably didn't help.... I wrote on the board about this but I probably should post it too... I got a call from Dr.Andersons office about my approval... aparently there is a weight loss surgery exclusion that my husbands work put into the policy. I cried... and I cried really really hard. I felt as if I lost hope... I felt like I was a child again being rejected for the millionth time. I have been rejected before... alot actually... in my lifetime. But it has been several years since I felt rejection that deep... rejection that hit a part of me that was delicate and couldn't stand to be broken again. Susie from Dr. Andersons office told me to find my policy and call her back with the exact wording... perhaps there is a way around it. Now there is a form of a loophole in the exclusion... it says "All products exclude surgical treatment of morbid obesity and weight-loss drugs (including hmo) unless a case exception is approved." I called Susie but she wasnt available so I left her a message with that information. Maybe there is  a way around it.. I don't know. My husband said he is willing to self-pay if we have to. I am wondering if I should just go ahead with my surgery and continue to appeal and hope for a reimbursement... I also just don't know how to do self-pay...  my credit is shot thanks to my ex stealing my identity a few years ago... he stole $40k in my credit and I was in FL at the time and thier identity theft laws were very weak... so he was able to get away with it and I had to file for bankruptsy. ANYWAY... it woudl be extremely difficult for me to get a loan... and my husbands credit isn't much better because of mistakes he made when he was 18 and credit was introduced. Outside of our car loan and mortgage we dont really have alot of debt now because we worked hard to get things paid down. But after all the bills are paid and with having a baby, we don't have much extra left over either...even with my husbands weekend job. Right now working part time isn't an option for me because of my baby and we only have one car.... my mom retires at the end of this year and so then she could watch him so I could work to help pay stuff down but until then... nope. Part of me hopes my mom will help out financially for the surgery and then if I get the reimbursment I could pay her back... she doesnt have money laying around or anything but she has the means more than I do. I am just praying for a miracle and trying to have faith. Faith is the evidence of things unseen... its all I have right now with all of this.

I really want to have this surgery before my son is walking... I already have a hard time with the joint pains I have with him being such an active baby...crawling around everywhere, standing... moving from furniture to furniture... he will be walking so soon! I will probably bring that up with Susie tomorrow... I just want everything to work out!!
0 comments

Impatiently Waiting...

Jan 30, 2009

Last week... the 21st and 22nd... I had my pre-op appointments that are for me to get approved... the meetings with the nut, workout and psyc specialists... they were SO much nicer than the chick who I had to talk to so I could schedual them. They were all very helpful and very understanding... I loved the woman I talked to for my psyc exam. She let me babble on about the problems I have had over the years and she was empathedic... not many are.. so that was nice. I know its her job, but still... I have been to a counselor before and she was never as good as this woman. She even came and meet my son when everything was over.
They all said that I seemed to be a good canidate for weight loss surgery....

a small rant about that...
You know, it is WONDERFUL that I will have my oppertunity to have my surgery because these people believe I am a good canidate for it.. .but its bitter sweet to be told I am a good canidate to be surgically altered because I am so fat... lol You know what I mean? It is a weird feeling.. i came home and told my husband about that feeling and he laughed and said he could see why I'd feel that way.. but he told me to focus on the sweet part of that bitter sweetness.... if you think about it.. when you have a sweet-n-sour candy.. the sour is only in the beginning.. then afterwards all is left is the sweet. All of this process where I HAVE to talk about how heavy I am and my history of my weight.. how I was able to lose the weight but inevitably gained it back no matter what I did because I got pregnant... hopefully soon the sweetness will come where I will have my DS and no longer have to struggle with my weight like I have.

ANYWAY... that was over a week ago that I had those appointments.. I know they said it would probably be a week before anything was even sent to my insurance.. but it is SO hard to wait! I REALLY hope my insurance is quick and approves me... if I don't hear from them by next Wednesday I might try to give my surgeons office a call and see how things are going... but no garantees... I HATE making those calls.. they make me really nervous and uneasy. Its almost easier to pretend like I am not really waiting and just get the call than to call them and be on the edge of my seat... lol I just wish I knew... my BIGGEST fear of this whole process was being approved by the insurance... I really need this. I am mentally ready for all the pain I will have to go through to get there and I am physically and emotionally prepared to accept the weight I will lose... I already have a plan so I can make the most of my weight loss in the beginning... I am copying those who have had very good success early on in thier surgery... very low carbs and getting all the protien in! I told my husband I don't really want to have any carbs available in the house if I can help it. I am working on getting off of coke... already stopped buying it... and I am trying to eat more than 1 meal a day (that is the hardest thing for me)... I just would like to know soon if I am accepted. I am ready for it... I just dont want to have to wait. I also want to make sure I am able to go on and enjoy my family vacation to florida with my family, my brothers family and my parents... its a free vacation to the beach on my parents dime (always wonderful!)...the earlier I have my surgery the better of a chance I have to enjoy my first family vacation with my son. *sigh* Just please make the time go by fast! And PLEASE let me be approved!!!!
0 comments

Writing always helps put things into perspective

Jan 01, 2009

I love to write... I love to blog! My only problem is on my other blogs I havent been able to express my feelings about my weight because... well... I don't want my friends to really know how I am feeling about it. My Husband and Mother both just found out when I started my WLS journey how depressed I was over my weight (I complained all the time but they didn't understand how much it was really affecting me). Two other people know what I have been going through with my weight.. one was my maid of honor at my wedding and the other is a woman who is friends with my husbands mom and she is a prayer warrior... and a compassionate listener. So out of the many people I know and love... only 4 really know what I am going through right now... and how I am feeling about my weight. I am actually seriously considering that when I have my surgery to not really say anything about it to people... perhaps a few more but overall I am thinking of keeping my mouth shut. Obviously explaining the massive weight loss would be difficult... but I lost 70lbs once in a matter of just a few months... maybe I can just compair the two and say something like... I am on a high protien diet and taking many vitamins to help my nutrition! lol It wouldn't be lying! It would just be excluding a BIG part of the reason I am losing weight...haha

The reason I want to keep it on the DL is because of how imbarrassed I am with my weight... not just being the weight and size I am.... but that it came on so quickly with my pregnancy! I seriously feel as if I woke up and gained 100lbs. Also people have made comments about how I eat... what I eat...ect... since I gained the weight and after the baby was born. The thing is, I am not eating any differently than I did when I had lost my weight before. When I ate like this and was a size 12, no one made any comments that I was drinking regular coke often, that I had a sweet tooth, that I would have fast food or 2nds in my meals. But since I have gained the weight from my pregnancy... all the sudden me doing those things is BAD and I am not on a proper diet...so on. I have a good friend.. I love her to death, she was my roommate in college, she was the matron of honor at my wedding (yes I had a maid of honor and matron...lol) she is one of my best friends... but shes always been skinny... her biggest was I think a size 8... she recently dropped to a size 2.. and she is short too... shes from a family of skinny short people... lol She dropped to the size 2 because she went on this all natural diet... well I was 6 weeks postpardum with my baby and was struggling with sever depression from it. I was encouraged to take a break for a weekend so I arranged for my mom to watch my son and I went with two of my best friends from college, one being my tiny old roommate, and we went to the beach in NC because my other friends parents lived in the OBX. The whole time I was terrified to eat anything because my small friend went on and on about how she lost weight on her all natural diet... told me to eat that way (its expensive to eat that way... we just had a baby... one income family...) and any time I drank a coke, had a cookie, she asked me "do you always eat that? Do you always drink that?"  I wasn't eating any differently than when she and I were roommates! I felt aweful about how I looked... anything I ate... no one should live that way!! I know not everyone is sitting there talking about me... but who wouldn't be? Before I got pregnant I looked decent.. I gained maybe 15lbs...20lbs from my lower weight because I was sick...but I was in alot of the same sizes.. then I have this baby cut out of me after being on bed rest for 2 months or more (not exactly sure how long but it was a long long time) and in the hospital being drugged up because my blood pressure was high, then it was low, then I had a fever of 103 (even when I had strep my fever was never higher than 100)... I leave the hospital.. swelling went down... yet I was still in maternity clothes... I was huge.... I had to go back to plus size stores and I learned quickly that my weight wasn't going to be a one time battle but an ongoing war and when I thought I sent the enemy running, he returned with a sneak attack and attacked me more than I defeated him before. No one in my world really understands that... well family does because we are all struggling with our weight... but in my friends.. no one understands how devistated I am... and no one gets that I am not overeating or benging... and they dont get that I am drinking the same amount of soda I did before... same amount of sweets I did before... breaks my heart. I want/need this surgery so badly... I don't want to keep fighting a losing battle... I want to be healthy, feel good about myself, do things with my husband like snowboard and just go out! My husband told me he was excited for me to get the surgery not because I would be thin but because I would be happy with myself. He knows I am not happy. He can tell how miserable this weight makes me. He wants me to be comfortable in my own skin. I would love love LOVE to have this surgery when Susie said I could... late january/early february... that way I could get alot of my weight off for our first family vacation to florida with ethan... and feel good enough to be in pictures with my son fo rhis 1st birthday... I have been avoiding others taking pictures of me with ethan because of how horrible I look. I want to be in all of those birthday pictures without feeling regret when they are developed! I just.. I want to feel good..mind body and soul.
0 comments

I need to find a new PCP...

Dec 29, 2008

Today was miserable... I had to go to me PCP to get a letter for my surgeon saying I didn't have any history of Cardiovascular or Pulomonary issues... now I knew from the beginning this would be tough. A small background on my pcp... I have been trying to find a new one for several years... had one sorta but she was not a nice person.. but I went to my old doctor because he had the most records... He is not very competent and honestly he is a jackass for lack of a better lable. When I was 17 my old obgyn had me get bloodwork done and found out I was insulin resistant and sent me to my regular doctor to check it out... well when I went in he complained that it wasnt my obgyn's job to get blood work for me over my blood sugar levels and then he said "what is insulin resistance anyway? I dont think that is real".... What the heck????? Is he seriously? My mom and I both did research on that after the blood tests came back and that was everywhere and he was saying it wasn't real??? Also my grandmother passed away over the summer from cancer of the lymphnoids (sp?)... she had aparently been sick for a LONG time and she went into his office all the time and he never ever caught her cancer... now my grandmother was in her mid 80's and she was ready to see Jesus... but the thing that makes my family upset is not that she died but that she was sick for so long with this cancer and he never caught it...ever. It was the hospital who caught it after my grandmother had her 3rd fainting spell in a month. He just isn't a good doctor... and he is a jerk. He's very opinionated and if you don't agree with him too bad because of COURSE he is right!
Well when I went in today... i have to say I HATE HATE HATE talking about my weight... it is hard for me to leave the house I feel so bad about myself...I had things thrown at me when I was a kid because of my weight... picked on harshly... its just bad... and after losing the weight before and having it back on and then some, my weight is a major problem for me.. and it just hurts to really talk about it when someone doesn't understand... well he was asking why I was getting the surgery and so on... then he started attacking me. He said I was addicted to food and that there is no way I could have gotten this heavy without being addicted to food and that I think this surgery is a magic fix... ok now he came to this conclusion without even talking to me for more than a second about my decision.. AND I saw him ONCE when I had lost my weight... he doesn't even know how well I maintained my weight before I got pregnant. Maintaining weight isn't really that hard for me... its losing it... and that comes from my WHOLE FAMILY having weight issues. I wanted to cry... at least I got what I needed... but he kept compairing me to an alcoholic and that surgery isn't a magic fix and I need to realize that... well duh! I know I will have to try.. but at least its a tool that will help me get the weight off and develope new ways to eat... I understand being addicted to food is a real thing and that people really do struggle with it. I, however, don't. Right now I am making bad choices... mostly because I have a tendency to have an attitude of surrender when things go very very wrong... I have a hard time fighting for myself because I have had to fight my entire life in ever aspect. Who wants to "diet" when no results are happening? or happening slower than slow. Also I LOVE to be active... but my weight, which came on while I was pregnant and on bed rest... couldnt be active, makes my knees buckle under me. It is like I sat down and when I would stand again I was 50lbs heavier! That would destory anyones ability to be active! It is just SOOO frustrating and painful for him to sit there and tell me I have an addiction when he has no idea of who I am or anything.. I don't have an addictive personality... oh let me also say that he is far from being to his ideal weight as well... I am just so upset. I wont ever have to see him again now that this is done and I can go get a new doctor but it was upsetting for him to attack me no matter what I would tell him. At one point I even said "DO you want to call my husband and find out howmy behavior with food really is??" My husband called him an ass... Tim, the hubby, finishes my meals MOST of the time! AND he is still hungry after... and if you've seen the pictures... I have a tiny husband! lol So yeah... BLAH!!!!!!! Doctors suck... I hate cockey doctors.
0 comments

Patience is a virtue but I never thought myself very virtuous

Dec 28, 2008

I have been considering weight loss surgery since I had my son in June (2008) and last week I decided to finally to move forward with getting it done and I went to the weight loss surgery center to get things moving. I had to go to a seminar where everything was explained. Well... I already knew almost everything I was being told except for a few things here and there because I had done my research prior to attending. After that I gave them my insurance card for them to check to see if weight loss surgery was covered by my insurance... althought Susie, the coordinator person, she said she's delt with my insurance alot and she is almost possitive that I am covered. I also made an appointment to discuss the type of surgery I should have with the surgeon... although I already know what I want but I guess having the DS at my age is not encouraged or something like that... but I wrote out on paper why I want to have the DS (to take with my to my appointment) and I am going to hold firm to that. Then I had a bunch of paperwork to do and give back to them. Well I turned in my paperwork on Friday... they said it would be 3 buisness days til I would get contacted to make my appointments for the three things I need to have done before they can send everything into my insurance... so I probably wont even get those appointments made til next tuesday at the soonest... but more realisitically I will hear from them by next Friday. I have my pcp appointment on Monday to get the information from him required by the surgeons office... then tuesday I have an appointment with the surgeon.... then later that night my baby has his doctors appointment. Thats not related but it keeps me busy! After tuesday all I can do is hurry up and wait. I hate waiting! I just want to shoot this all out and get things moving!! I NEED to know if I will be approved... that is the thing thats killing me. Everyone has such difference experiences with insurance and thier surgery... I have struggled alot over the years when it comes to this "type" of stuff and I am tired of fighting for myself because it seems like I will lose 9 times out of 10. I just need to know everything will go smoothly... also it would be nice to be able to get all these appointments schedualed and out of the way while my mom is on winter break.. otherwise its more difficult since we only have one car. Ideally, I will get a call Monday or Tuesday to schedual all those appointments needed before they can send in the request to the insurance and those appointments will be made all next week.. and then before the end of the week the request is sent to my insurance and by January 7th I will know! :) and hopefully it would be yes! and hopefully then i could have my surgery before the end of January! My birthday is January 16th so it would be a wonderful birthday present for me!!
0 comments

About Me
Dayton, OH
Location
42.0
BMI
VSG
Surgery
07/10/2013
Surgery Date
Dec 22, 2008
Member Since

Friends 57

Latest Blog 8

×