Writing always helps put things into perspective

Jan 01, 2009

I love to write... I love to blog! My only problem is on my other blogs I havent been able to express my feelings about my weight because... well... I don't want my friends to really know how I am feeling about it. My Husband and Mother both just found out when I started my WLS journey how depressed I was over my weight (I complained all the time but they didn't understand how much it was really affecting me). Two other people know what I have been going through with my weight.. one was my maid of honor at my wedding and the other is a woman who is friends with my husbands mom and she is a prayer warrior... and a compassionate listener. So out of the many people I know and love... only 4 really know what I am going through right now... and how I am feeling about my weight. I am actually seriously considering that when I have my surgery to not really say anything about it to people... perhaps a few more but overall I am thinking of keeping my mouth shut. Obviously explaining the massive weight loss would be difficult... but I lost 70lbs once in a matter of just a few months... maybe I can just compair the two and say something like... I am on a high protien diet and taking many vitamins to help my nutrition! lol It wouldn't be lying! It would just be excluding a BIG part of the reason I am losing weight...haha

The reason I want to keep it on the DL is because of how imbarrassed I am with my weight... not just being the weight and size I am.... but that it came on so quickly with my pregnancy! I seriously feel as if I woke up and gained 100lbs. Also people have made comments about how I eat... what I eat...ect... since I gained the weight and after the baby was born. The thing is, I am not eating any differently than I did when I had lost my weight before. When I ate like this and was a size 12, no one made any comments that I was drinking regular coke often, that I had a sweet tooth, that I would have fast food or 2nds in my meals. But since I have gained the weight from my pregnancy... all the sudden me doing those things is BAD and I am not on a proper diet...so on. I have a good friend.. I love her to death, she was my roommate in college, she was the matron of honor at my wedding (yes I had a maid of honor and matron...lol) she is one of my best friends... but shes always been skinny... her biggest was I think a size 8... she recently dropped to a size 2.. and she is short too... shes from a family of skinny short people... lol She dropped to the size 2 because she went on this all natural diet... well I was 6 weeks postpardum with my baby and was struggling with sever depression from it. I was encouraged to take a break for a weekend so I arranged for my mom to watch my son and I went with two of my best friends from college, one being my tiny old roommate, and we went to the beach in NC because my other friends parents lived in the OBX. The whole time I was terrified to eat anything because my small friend went on and on about how she lost weight on her all natural diet... told me to eat that way (its expensive to eat that way... we just had a baby... one income family...) and any time I drank a coke, had a cookie, she asked me "do you always eat that? Do you always drink that?"  I wasn't eating any differently than when she and I were roommates! I felt aweful about how I looked... anything I ate... no one should live that way!! I know not everyone is sitting there talking about me... but who wouldn't be? Before I got pregnant I looked decent.. I gained maybe 15lbs...20lbs from my lower weight because I was sick...but I was in alot of the same sizes.. then I have this baby cut out of me after being on bed rest for 2 months or more (not exactly sure how long but it was a long long time) and in the hospital being drugged up because my blood pressure was high, then it was low, then I had a fever of 103 (even when I had strep my fever was never higher than 100)... I leave the hospital.. swelling went down... yet I was still in maternity clothes... I was huge.... I had to go back to plus size stores and I learned quickly that my weight wasn't going to be a one time battle but an ongoing war and when I thought I sent the enemy running, he returned with a sneak attack and attacked me more than I defeated him before. No one in my world really understands that... well family does because we are all struggling with our weight... but in my friends.. no one understands how devistated I am... and no one gets that I am not overeating or benging... and they dont get that I am drinking the same amount of soda I did before... same amount of sweets I did before... breaks my heart. I want/need this surgery so badly... I don't want to keep fighting a losing battle... I want to be healthy, feel good about myself, do things with my husband like snowboard and just go out! My husband told me he was excited for me to get the surgery not because I would be thin but because I would be happy with myself. He knows I am not happy. He can tell how miserable this weight makes me. He wants me to be comfortable in my own skin. I would love love LOVE to have this surgery when Susie said I could... late january/early february... that way I could get alot of my weight off for our first family vacation to florida with ethan... and feel good enough to be in pictures with my son fo rhis 1st birthday... I have been avoiding others taking pictures of me with ethan because of how horrible I look. I want to be in all of those birthday pictures without feeling regret when they are developed! I just.. I want to feel good..mind body and soul.

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