Redefining Who I am
Dec 29, 2008I think it's time to really start blogging. I've been thinking about so much lately. Not about just the weight either. I'm realizing that I am more than just a weight. More than just a number. Just trying to figure out 'what' / 'who' this woman is.
I've begun to see my life differently now. Things I settled for before are not sitting well with me anymore. I have far less tolerance for dysfunction in my life. I'm so confused. I'm at a crossroads. In the middle of the forest and don't know which path is less scary and/or less painful.
It's been almost seven months since my surgery. As of this morning, I've lost 108 pounds! I've gone from wearing size 30 pants and 4X shirts to wearing size 8-10 jeans and Medium shirts. I'm very excited about that. But I'm finding that I don't know who I am anymore....
I used to be so depressed and felt so worthless. I, literally, would not leave my house to go anywhere. I was in pain 24/7 and was too embarrassed to face anyone. If someone wanted to see me, they came to my house. I would call my neighbor, Renee, each morning and invite her over for coffee and/or a movie. That was the extent of my visitations. We even stopped having our weekly family nights with the kids and their families on Thursdays because I was so uncomfortable, depressed and just wanted to be left alone.
Thank GOD I have such a wonderful, patient and loving husband. My Best Friend, My Love, My Hero!
I used to be jealous of my family, my kids and my hubby, because they had a life outside of our home and I didn't. They WERE my whole life. And still are but now I am beginning to have a 'life' outside my home too.
And to define 'home'. Home for me was not just my house, my livingroom, my recliner, my food. It was my fat! It protected me. In a weird sorta way, it was comfortable! In a non-exposing kind of way. It was an excuse to not leave my house. It made me non-intimidating to others. Which allowed them to approach me. It made me dependant upon others. Which allowed them to feel needed and necessary. It made some be nicer to me and some to ignore me. Which allowed me to be left alone. In my home, with my food.
This all goes so much deeper than I'm willing to type here right now. If you started reading this and am still with me here, then I don't need to explain further, the depression and debilitating self-worthlessness I felt.
I started this journey, scared as hell! I went to Dr. P & Dr. G's seminar on Valentines Day 2008. I felt hope, yet more fear of the unknown future I had in front of me. For, if I chose not to take the WLS path, I at least knew where I was heading. Disaster or not, I at least knew. If I chose to go ahead and take the WLS path, where would I end up? As I said before, I lived for my family. They deserved to have so much better than who I was and what I could offer. Although I always gave them the best I had to offer at the time. I felt it wasn't good enough. I wanted to give them so much more. And in the hallows of my heart, I knew, if I had the surgery, I would be able to offer them more. So, I decided to go through with it. For them...not for me.
However, there was that nagging question....What am I gonna do without my food??? It was the one thing I thought I had control over. I could always count on MYSELF to comfort MYSELF with it. And it was easy for my family to please me by offering, making, buying my favorite foods for me....as gifts, as rewards, as 'I'm thinking of you, Mom' gestures, etc...
Now that I had chosen to have WLS, how do I do it? How do I do anything? How do I handle anything? OMG! Without food!!!! And, who should I tell and not tell? After all, I should be ashamed of myself for 'having' to have WLS to lose the fat, keep it off and become healthy....shouldn't I?
To Be Continued.......
Feb 06, 2008