After last night's support group . . .

May 27, 2009

 . . . I really thought about how I "feel" about food and here's what I came up with.

I feel cheated.  I feel entitled.  I think that I am basically a "good" person and I deserve to be able to eat, what I want and when I want and as much as I want. 
.... (stop! Light bulb.)  Where does this come from?  My life experiences:  food=success, fun, happiness.  Whenever I did well in school or did something exceptional, what was there? a big old cake or an apple dumpling or an oreo.  Whenever we got a treat, what was it?  Ice cream, pie.  Whenever there was a birthday or a party with family, what was there? a banquet full of the most delicious food in the world.  Food has been at every "success" in my life.  So I feel that, I have been a good person, I am entitled to "enjoy" myself and the only way that I know how to enjoy myself is to celebrate with food.  WOW!  What a thought.  The thing that has been taught to me all my life and the "benefit" of doing well in life is my downfall.  I have often said that I can control everything else in life, except food.  I feel that I have no control over food, but do I.  If last night's support topic is correct, food is the action from the feeling.  If I can only realize the feeling and be aware of the feeling, before I stuff in that next cookie or carb-laden treat, I can get to my goal.  What to do about it at this time is hard for me to know.  But I know that I have been made aware of the pattern and I will be conscious of the action and therefore, the thought and see what I can do to try to re-train my brain.  I also know that I need to stop being a "mind reader" and think that I know what everyone is thinking about me.  Like when I go to the pool and can't get up off my chair for fear that someone is looking at me saying "OMG, look at her, does she know how she looks?  If she did, she wouldn't be here with that on." 
This journey is so not over.

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