Katie M.

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Eleven weeks out and 75 lbs lighter. I can't even begin to describe how amazing it feels. I'm finally down a pant, shirt and bra size (yay for new bras!) and I look much better in clothes now. I can see my neck again, my face has more shape. I can see collar bones starting to emerge. And not that I want to be boney, but seeing the fat melt away from my face and neck is so great. I seem to be losing it all over, which has meant my clothing size has changed a lot slower than I thought it would, but I don't have any areas that are out of proportion or haven't lost fat so I will take the slower size difference. 

I'm doing so much more photography than I was even a month ago. I'm not too self conscious about it anymore. I'm booking portrait sessions with families, I even shot a band at a bar which was the biggest step so far. I was able to move around between people without feeling like I was in the way and I didn't mind so much that people were watching me take pictures. And the band was ecstatic with their pictures. 

I'm really lucky that so far I don't have any food intolerances. There are lots of things I haven't tried, like sweets or baked goods, pizza, fried foods - but that stuff isn't even remotely appealing right now. I haven't had any more issues with chicken getting stuck, although I did have some nausea from a hamburger I tried on New Years Eve. It was a brie/apple burger though, so maybe the brie was too much in combination with the burger. I only ate about a quarter of the patty and I was stuffed and felt off. Everyone looked at me like I was nuts, "you're full off just that?!" but I love that this is my new normal. Food isn't my reason for being anymore, it's just what I need to give me energy. I hope that mindset lasts. 

Wow. Seven weeks out and I'm down 56 lbs (including the 15 lbs I lost on Opti) So many things are changing. I'm gaining confidence where I never had it before. I've always been a bit of a nervous nelly, and confrontation has been my worst enemy. I never get angry, never stick up for myself, never rip a strip off anyone. Well, all that changed on Friday when my upstairs neighbours were having a fight and things got physical. I've had issues with them for the entire year they've lived in the upstairs part of the house, I'm in the basement and can hear every fight, every time they yell at the kids, every time they spend an hour walking on the hardwood with shoes on. But of course I never said anything about the noise level, just put my headphones on and silently wished they would move. But on Friday I went mental on them. Especially because I thought the husband was hitting the wife (with two kids home on top of it all) but also because I came to the end of my rope. I'd had enough of the bullsh*t and I let them know. I've never sworn so much or let loose so many emotions before in my life. The wife thanked me, like I had saved her or something, but otherwise they said nothing. I just flipped my lid, stomped back downstairs and slammed my door, then texted the wife another big rant about the noise and how could they do that in front of their kids. It's a complicated situation and way more than I can write here, but suffice to say they are both morons and I doubt my outburst will have much effect in the long run but I hope it buys me a few days of peace and quiet. Not likely, but one can hope. 

Anyway, the point is that I finally, FINALLY told someone how I felt. I got angry and it felt amazing. I'm kind of hoping they start yelling again just so I can go up and let them have it. Now that the last 15 years of pent up anger has been unleashed I am having a hard time tamping it back down. I don't feel angry really, I just feel like exploding on someone. That can be tricky territory though because it can morph in to me being an angry person who blows up all the time - I have an uncle like that and he scares the crap out of me. I can't really see myself becoming like him, I'm still a pretty soft personality. But at least I know I can confront someone now without my hands or voice shaking or being on the edge of tears. I surprised myself with my confidence. I hope it sticks around, and grows the more I lose weight. 

Can't believe I didn't post here about surgery! Two weeks ago yesterday I was in the OR, getting everything rearranged. And yesterday I started purees. Everything went really well with the surgery. Had pain of course, and a not-very-good reaction to the morphine I was on at first but after a week at my parent's and then a few days at my own home, the pain subsided and I feel mostly normal now. Still have trouble bending over to pick things up and I have some discomfort around the "deepest" incision site but mostly normal. Since surgery I have lost 22.6 lbs, and since starting Optifast I have lost 37.4 lbs. Pretty amazing! At first I was hoping to hit 60 lbs gone by Christmas, now I'm thinking that could be too easy!

Today I am starting exercise. I haven't done anything really since surgery except walking around the house and a couple times up and down the driveway - but that was more to try and improve my mood. But I was very generously gifted free access to a friend of my parent's small gym until Christmas, so I intend to make use of the gift! This lady is a personal trainer who just left GoodLife to open her own studio. It's in a century home which is gorgeous, the surroundings are great, it's small enough that you won't be overrun with people but you're not always there alone. It's just perfect, I think. So I'm starting with the treadmill, we'll see how many minutes I can do. Might only be 10 (or less?) to start, but if I go every day I can soon increase it. The key is to not push it too fast because if I strain any of these healing muscles I'll be in pain for eons. So slow and steady wins the race. Maybe I can be down 70 lbs by Christmas!

At least in this case it does! I am meeting with Dr. Penner on Sept 20th at 10:30. I've heard tons of good things about him, although I've also heard that at TWH sometimes you meet one surgeon and end up with another... Have to remember to ask that question on Friday. Also heard that they may only be booking 2-4 weeks out for surgery! I really hope that is still the case. I will need at least 3, maybe 4 weeks of Opti since I'm right on the line. So if they were booking 4 weeks out and I got Opti at the end of September... That's a very happy Halloween for me! Fingers crossed. Amazing how I can go from stressed to the max one Friday and on cloud nine the next Friday. 

Probably not. But I am learning not to obsess over things I need to just shut up and wait for. My last two appointments went well, they both said I seemed well prepared for the lifestyle changes that come with surgery. So now I just wait until they call with a date to meet the surgeon. I don't think I'll need to go back and redo any appointments, but they could call and say I need to do that. My best friend Rayann was insistent that I call today to see if they'd gotten to my file yesterday, but when I called she wasn't in. I got the other lady - the one who I'm sure is lovely but just doesn't ever seem to be in the mood to fill you in on where your file is at. She said to call Rayann back on Monday afternoon when she's in again. And that is not what I wanted to hear. I've been on pins and needles since Monday morning when my last appointment ended, waiting until today when I could call. Now I have to wait until Monday? Gah!! So after obsessing over it for a few hours I finally snapped back to reality and decided that maybe waiting a few extra days is not the end of the world. And that was that, I've stopped thinking about it. Five months ago (or less!) I'd spend all weekend with half my mind whirling over the possibilities - did they not get to my file? Will I have to wait until next Friday to find out? Will I have to see anyone over again? Did the psych manage to get ahold of my Dr? (she said she likes to chat with them, I'm assuming to make sure you have a good relationship where antidepressant meds are concerned) But no, I have chosen to put all that down and just wait my turn. I have put this great importance on getting the surgery done before Christmas but what will happen if I have to wait? Pretty sure the world will still turn. Pretty sure life will carry on. I know it's because I am so damn sick of being fat, and am ready to get on with life and have the things being fat is keeping me from, but in the long run this is a short amount of time. So I will wait, and not freak out, and be as patient as I am capable of being.

Going to nutrition class tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to getting a concrete plan on paper for what is and isn't acceptable in the stages after surgery. Looking forward to testing out Opti to see if it tastes as horrid as people say. Then on Sept 4th I have the nutritionist and psychologist appointments. And then my file is up for review, should get the call on the following Friday to book in to see a surgeon. So if all goes to plan, and if the luck I've had so far holds, on September 6 Rayann from TWH will call me with a date to meet my surgeon. Assuming they pass me on the file review of course, and assuming they get to my file on the Thursday. But she said they're not backed up at all and a week ago she was booking surgeon appointments for the middle of September so I could be in for the end of September I hope. Oh, fingers crossed. I'm sending out good vibes, prayers, hopes, wishes, everything I have to get this process done and over with before Christmas. If I could start out 2014 with a new stomach... It would be so great. Keeping my hopes up, positive thinking!

Last year I went on the Dr. Poon diet. It's OHIP approved, and was recommended to me by my doctor when I went to him with frustration at my lack of success in losing weight. I started in February and lost 15lbs in the first two weeks. All water of course, but it felt good. By July I had lost 70 lbs. Of course the entire time I was eating nothing but spinach and chicken, ranch dressing and the occasional egg. I cheated of course, got popcorn at the movies, ate salads with colourful veggies when I was out, but for the most part I actually did eat nothing but chicken and spinach for seven months. That isn't the diet, you are allowed to eat more than that I am a slave to simplicity and routine, and hate cooking. I could throw chicken in the oven, put some on top of some spinach and be done with it. No chopping, no steaming, etc etc. I really am the laziest person in the kitchen. But the entire basis of phase one was that you could only eat lean protein and green veggies - no colour. No dairy at all. Egg whites were allowed, and I think two egg yolks a week. I was on phase one the entire time I was going to the clinic and it was awful. I kept asking when I'd get to move up, and they'd always say, "Let's look at where you are two weeks from now."

Anyway, in July my Nana got sick and by the end of August she had died. It was short, but painful, and there was non-stop family drama surrounding the whole ordeal for two months. Needless to say I fell right off the Dr Poon wagon, and by December I had gained back those 70 lbs lost. I think I gained about 40lbs from July to August. I was downing boxes of donuts, eating McDonald's twice a day. I just lost my mind a bit, and binged like there was no tomorrow. When I finally woke up from everything, it was Christmas and I was right back at the same spot I was the Christmas before - the Christmas that spurred me to go to the doctor out of frustration in the first place. Right back where I started. Then I added another 10lbs, then another 10 more and suddenly I was at a scary weight, one I had never even imagined it would be possible to get to. I tried going to the gym to no avail, I was still eating junk. Sometimes I'd go to the gym and come home and eat a box of Kraft Dinner or cookies or something. Just nuts. But I haven't been able to get my head back in to that place of determination and focus like when I was doing Dr. Poon. I try and do the diet, even thought I know it's not healthy and not realistic, but just to try and get some pounds off so I can stop feeling so disgusted by myself, but I practically gag eating spinach and chicken now. 

Anyway. Then came the time when I finally decided it was time for surgery, and looked in to it enough to fully understand the risks and benefits, and that it was possible for me to do. And now I'm on the path to surgery, and still feeling in that stuck place. I know I need to eat better, but it's like there is a monster in my head who takes over when I have any kind of emotion that feels like too much - anxiety is the biggest one, but sadness, loneliness, boredom. It's so hard to control. It's like I go in to a trance and just eat. When I wake up, oh gee, that entire pizza is gone. It's hard to use CBT, just like it was hard to use it in regards to my anxiety issues, but I have to try and do it. I have to try and catch the monster before it busts down the mental doors and locks I put in front of it. It seems like there is no "mental door" strong enough to keep it out - I guess that is the nature of addiction.

I just have to keep trying. It feels good to have this written out.

I am glad I called TWH to have my NP and SW appointments moved up, but at the same time it seems like the wait is still too long. I don't see the SW until August 19th. Now that I feel like I have a viable solution for my lifelong struggle with weight, I want the surgery done yesterday. The waiting is harder than I thought it would be. I want to be making positive changes now, but I can't seem to stick to them. I cut out pop for a good three weeks until I went to my parent's one weekend and it was there, calling my name. Back on the diet Pepsi wagon. I'm cutting it out again, but it seems even harder now for some reason. I'm trying to incorporate more fresh veggies in to my meals, cutting back on the carbs. And that is all well and dandy, but when I have the urge to binge nothing will stop me. It's like being a heroin addict - I will beg, borrow and steal (ok, maybe not steal) to get something sweet or carb-loaded to eat. I am addicted to the food, and more importantly I am addicted to numbing out through food. Whether it's a coping with anxiety or just coping with boredom I have yet to find a mechanism, a distraction that works as well as food. But the search continues. And in the meantime I am trying to white-knuckle my way through this. I'd like to be losing weight now, and it's not happening.