kcericson

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I've become one of "those"....those who don't update thier profiles nearly often enough.  I didn't think it would happen quite so quickly! I hate that, because this site and all of you who have given me so much encouragement!  I will try to do better. 

Wow, it seems like so much has happened in the last couple of months, but for the life of me, I can't pinpoint down exactly what all has happened?!!  Did the last two months really even happen?  It seems to be going by SO fast!  I am now down 125 (!) lbs.  Holy cow, I lost a skinny person!  I am two days over being five months out, and physically, I feel better than I have in YEARS!  I feel like the happiest still fat girl in the world!

I am finally starting to fit into some of my older clothes, which are really nice.  Let me tell you, though, what can bring a losing weight but still very plump girl to her knees...losing 125 lbs and ONLY JUST NOW getting into a size 28.  Yup, that's a big suckaroo...granted, it's not a 36 or 5x or whatever I was before, but still.  Really?!?!  A 28??  Come on, body, you can do better than this!  At least I have some cuter clothes now, that I have unearthed from all the hoarding I have done over the years (see, now I can REALLY tell my husband that I am going to lose weight to get back in those clothes, and MEAN it!! ). 

Here's another downer...I still have AT LEAST another 175 to go.  At the very least.  Wowza.   In reality, I am still 2 overweight women...but at least I am not two overweight women and a skinny woman any longer!  Right!?  I hope to be at 150 lost by my 6 month surgiversary.   I'm gonna have to start really working on getting in exercise.  Which brings me to excercise?

Why do I freaking hate to excercise?  Like, I think about it, and I'm all "Oh, yeah, if I did this and this, and then this, then I am going to tone up and look like this..." and you know what really happens?  I come home and sit on the couch.   I want to want to excercise (yes, I meant for it to read like that!), but for some reason, I think I have some weirdo mental block against it.  MUST.GET.PAST.THIS.   The hubbers and I are going to go to Puerto Rico in March, so I need to start working on some of this flab-o-rama.   Pronto.

I am no longer as uncomfortable everywhere I go anymore.  Tonight, we went out to dinner, and I sat in a booth.   I wanted to freaking die when I saw that there were only booths left in the restaurant, because I just KNEW that I wouldn't fit.  I did.  Now, obviously, at 377 lbs, I am still large and in charge.  But tonight, I fit, and I fit easily.  That's the first of many "fits".  

So, let's sum this puppy up.   Good News:  Down 125 lbs, finally in old clothes, feel great.   Bad News:  Honestly, really not any. I made a great decision.  I got my life back. 

For the last three weeks, I have had horrible congestion in my chest, so finally, today I caved in and went to the Dr to get some medicine.  Four short months ago, I wouldn't let the nurse weigh me before I saw my Dr (he is SUCH a great guy...he's been so supportive of me through this whole ordeal).  Since I don't have a scale that goes above 350 lbs, I can't weigh myself at home yet, and honestly, I think it's been really good for me (especially with all my past demons!) to just go off of how much better I am feeling. Have I mentioned before that I feel better??  Because if I haven't....OMG, I feel SO much better!!!!  :)



Anyway, I digress...I go to the office this afternoon, and step up on the scale...and I am down 93 lbs!!


I have lost 93 lbs in 3 months and 10 days!!!



What a great feeling!!!  I think sometimes knowledge does give you a boost.  I knew that I had lost more weight, although my clothes are STILL fitting...hopefully within the next 30-40 I will start to get into some smaller sizes.

I honestly can't wait to get into smaller sizes.  I got a box of clothes from my friend Ami (thank you, dear!!  loves!!) that I am eyeing every single day. 

I go to my three month (although it's REALLY going to be right at almost four months) appointment on October 12.  I would like to hit the century mark by then, so it's time to get this rear moving!

and by good, I mean 1,000x better than I did walking into my RNY surgery a little over three months ago.  I can get up and down easily out of seats, I don't have to push the steering wheel as far away as it will go in my car, my knee doesn't constantly feel like its going to give out, I can stand for extended periods of time without my lower back hurting, and, I DON'T WADDLE AS MUCH WHEN I WALK....

To be perfectly honest, I don't know how much I've lost.  On the 24th of August, I was down 67 lbs, so it's been a whole month since I've weighed.  Clothes wise, well, I am still in the same damn clothes that I wore before I had surgery, and it's freaking infuriating.  I mean, really, who loses 70+ lbs and still wears the same clothes?  Do they fit better?  Of course they do.  But, they still fit.  They are not baggy and falling off.  I was expressing this frustration at work to my supervisor, and her response was "It's probably because they didn't really fit before, you just made them fit"...which is true.  But I want them to fall off.  I want to lose my pants in the middle of a grocery store.  I keep trying to tell myself "it's gonna happen" but it's not happening yet!!!  GRRRR!!!!!

I really need to start excercising.    I know that just doing daily activities (like actually walking to work from my parking spot as opposed to the meters I was paying $4 a day to park at) have increased my physical activity from what it was (read: what it wasn't), but I really need to get after it.  Back in HS and college, I was really athletic, but I have always hated actually working out.  I think its just something I am going to have to make myself do, and just come to grips with the fact that I don't like it!!  I don't want to fly away with my batwings, or to have one of my children disappear into a skin fold...so I guess excercise it needs to be.

I still have so far to go...Like I still need to lose an overweight person.  I have come a long way, and I am very proud of how far I have come.  I am going to go start seeing a psychologist, because I think that I have of my bat shit crazy issues with food to work out.  I still think about food all the time, and I don't want to focus on it.  I am not getting in enough protein, and most days I don't get in enough water, either.  I need to work on these, to take care of myself.  But, I am going to go and see the psychologist, and I am going to do my best to really open up (as opposed to telling her what I know she wants to hear...I can talk my way around and out of almost anything, which is both a blessing, and a curse!!)  so that I can get my mind to a healthy place with food.

OH, I also started a new decade...I am officially old...two weeks ago I turned the big 3-0....so here's to hoping that this next decade is spent living!!

I had my scope done today, to find out why I keep all the time (I've wanted to use that icon for awhile now!!!  Score 1 for Kylie!!)  Turns out, I had a super duper stricture!!  My surgeon said my stoma was the size of a pinpoint, and that it was even holding water!  Apparently there were little bits of food still in there that wouldn't go through....YUCKO!!!!   Anyway, he ballooned it out, and said I should be able to immediately tell the difference, but I have to go in for another one in two weeks to get it all the way stretched out to where it should be.  FUN STUFF!!!

However, tonight I was finally able to eat some soup and mashed potatoes, and I didn't get the nauseous feeling I normally do, so WHOOHOOO!!!!  I have told anyone who will listen, if I had to have any kind of complication with my RNY, this is what I would choose.  I mean, literally, I went to the hospital, I didn't even have to take off my clothes, the stuck an IV line in me, gave me the good juice (), and then sprayed my throat with some stuff to numb it.  The whole procedure was like maybe 5 minutes.  Of course, I slept the rest of the afternoon, and I am ready to go to bed tonight, and my throat is a little sore, but that's all there is to it.   I'm just really glad that I went ahead and got it done today instead of waiting it out for awhile!!!

 

Tuesday was my 6 week checkup (well, technically six and a half, but who's really that technical, right??), and I was nervous.  I have not been having much luck keeping a lot of stuff down as of the last three weeks or so.  Protein shakes seem to do OK once in awhile, and I've only been able to get in about half of my water.  Anything solid I have tried seems to not agree with me too well...and that's meant lots of time in the bathroom bending over the toilet...which is NOT my favorite place to be.  Anyway, I have to have a scope done next Thursday, on the 12th.  Fun, Fun times!!!

  Also, I have suddenly developed this new fear of eating.  Actually, it's more than just eating, I have developed a fear of food.  I smell something, and think it smells wonderful, and then I think of taking a bite of it, and my stomach gets queasy.  So, I avoid eating the food because I am AFRAID it's going to make me sick.  ARRRRGGGHHH!!  This is frustrating! 

However, I stepped on the scale at the Dr. office, hoping for the big 5-0.  Instead, I got the big 6-1.  That's


right.  Sixty-one pounds gone forever!!  I have lost 61

freaking pounds in a little less than seven

weeks! 



No wonder I am starting to feel more active, and less pain!!  I am starting to notice a little more in my clothes, but not a whole lot yet.  I am sure once I lose another 40 or so, and hit that wonderful century mark, I will start to be able to tell...

I know that the beginning of this blog sounds depressing.  I'm struggling with some issues, that is for sure...but I know that it will work out.  I really am going from a happy to a very happy place right now, but I think it's both important for others to know some issues that could arise, but also, it's therapeutic for me to get it in writing, and then let it go.  I've journaled for a long time, and it always helps me release whatever emotion I have when I write it down.  I want to remember it all...

So, that's the news for tonight.  Not terribly witty or entertaining, but we are in a statue moment...hopefully soon, I'll be the pigeon again!!!

we shall rejoice and be glad in it.  I met a new friend today.  Someone I came to know through OH, who happens to live not to far from me.  We had a fantastic time...she is getting ready to have surgery, and since I am still a newbie, we had LOTS to talk about.  I drove away after our outing smiling...I have someone who "gets" me.  The real me...no holds barred, lay it out on the table, take it or leave it "gets me".  That's a GREAT feeling...so, skay76...thank you!  I had such a fantastic time today, and I know that it will only get better from here on out!  As we were talking, she mentioned this morning the above song kept running through her head, and for some reason, it stuck there all day.  I didn't think much about it at the time, but all evening, I kept singing this song over and over...

I am still having some issues getting liquid and protein in.  However, thanks to another great friend I have talked on the phone with that I met through OH (here's to you, Brettsgirl!) I think I may have found a solution to some of my protein shake issues.  Today, I went to GNC, and picked up some ready made protein drinks called Oh Yeah.  It stayed down!!  I'm not going to lie and say that I LOVE the taste, but I don't MIND them, which is a HUGE step forward, because up until this point, I have not found a protein shake that I could even tolerate.  This friend also told me to try some Luna protein bars, and I LOVE them, and they seem to stay down, too...

I also bought a new water bottle tonight at GNC.  It has a filter in it, so that it filters the water before you drink it.  I think I have been having such a hard time with water because since surgery, I've come to the realization that I really don't like tap water.  It's weird, because before surgery, I didn't even give it a second thought.  So, I am going to give this a shot, but already, I've drank more water tonight than I have been able to in awhile!  I have also been drinking at least one 32 ounce Gatorade G2 a day.  I know it's not water, but it's fluid, and it's easy for me to get down...so I take what I can make work!

I still can't tell a big difference yet in how I look.  I think that my face is starting to look thinner, but I don't really see much difference in my clothes or anything yet.  My mom seems to think that when it happens, when my clothes finally start getting lose, it's going to be a huge change all at once.  It's been six weeks, and it's discouraging to be wearing the same clothes I wore before surgery.  I know the weight is coming off, although I haven't weighed myself since the 8th of July.  We'll see what the scale says when I go back to the Doc on Tuesday.

So, while I am not completely over my battles with water and protein yet, I think I am on the right track...I am going to talk to my Dr. when I go back on Tuesday to find out why I still get so nauseous with food, and see if they are going to do a scope.  I mean, I can't really live off protein drinks forever, or easy to chew protein bars, at some point I am going to have to get back in the food game.  Right now, the thought of food still does make my stomach churn.  Maybe this whole thing is in my head, but I feel like I am a pretty grounded person, and TRUST me, I do NOT want to throw up everyday!!  So hopefully we can get this all worked out soon. 

I have been trying to keep a positive approach to all of this, and I will continue to do so.  Yes, I am frustrated, but I really don't believe that God will give me more than I can handle.  I am a strong woman, and I need to rely on that strength and my faith to get me through this little mountain...I know he has good things in store for me!  After all, he wants me to rejoice and be glad!

Loves!
Kylie

since I've posted.  I've been lurking in the shadows, reading everyone else's lives, and not taking the time or devoting the energy to talk about mine.  Why, you may ask?   To but it bluntly, I am frustrated.  I am so incredibly freaking frustrated I could scream.  I can't seem to get ANYTHING to agree with my stomach.  EVERYTHING makes me feel nauseous.  In fact, I'm at the point that when I even think about eating food, it makes my stomach churn.  Nothing tastes good, either.  WTH???

 It seems as though I may have a window of maybe an hour or so each day that I can eat.  When is that hour?  Your guess is as good as mine.  Last night it was at 11pm.   This morning is was at 10am.   I am not getting in NEARLY enough protein.  My guess is, on a good day, I am getting MAYBE 10-15 grams of protein in.  And water?  Forget about it.  I feel like I constantly am sipping.  If I start to make progress, then my stomach gets all churny again and I get sick. 

Am I happy with the weight loss?  Of course I am!  It feels great to be able to stand or walk with my kids without having to sit down due to my back pain.  My knee really does feel better everyday.   I know that I wouldn't have lost this much weight without my RNY, but, at this point in time, I am having some SERIOUS buyers remorse.  The worst part is, I know that this is permanent.  I know that the weight is going to come off, and I am incredibly happy about that, but at the same time, I am freaking miserable right now!  I am nearly six weeks out, shouldn't this be getting better by now??? 

Normally, I am not one to complain.  I don't like to be sad, I like to be happy and funny and upbeat...and right now, I'm having a difficult time mustering those feelings...

and I am feeling much, much better!  Wow, what a difference a little support makes, huh?  Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement.  I still have a lot of issues to work out, but I am so glad I got over that last hump!

So, I had my doctors appointment today and......drumroll please......since the 8th of June, I have lost a total of 31 lbs!  I had lost 12 on my pre-op diet, and I have lost 19 lbs (!) since sugery on the 17th!  WHOOO-FREAKIN-HOOOO!!!!  I am sure some of the other patients at the surgery center thought I was off my rocker this morning when the nurse weighed me in.  It was probably quite a sight, now that I think about it.  Here's this fat girl, getting up on the scale, actually giving a fist pump YES!, and then getting off, and getting back on the scale again, and then saying WHOOHOO! (there may or may not have been another fist pump or two involved...and if I could have run around the nurses desk high fiving everyone, I would have.  I didn't think that would be appropriate...yet..)  I would have laughed, anyway...

So, in other good news, I have been cleared for pretty much everything!  I can start doing water aerobics, which I am excited about!   I can also start to eat food again!!  The doctor said I can pretty much have anything, I just need to make sure that it is REALLY chewed well, and if I feel that I am not chewing it well enough, then I can still puree it.   I can't wait to have dinner tonight!  I told him I had broken down and had some cottage cheese and some scrambled eggs, and he told me that was fine, and that I had made healthy decisions with what I had chosen.  So, onward and upward.  My new goal for the rest of my life is now going to be about quality, not quantity. 

I am probably still riding the hormone train, but I am so happy right now I feel like doing a fat girl jig all over my house, complete with belly jiggles, thigh wobbles, and arm waddles...this was absolutely, besides marrying my husband and having my kids, the best decision I have ever made in my entire life.

Loves to you all!
Kylie

I am having a really hard time emotionally.  I am now 9 days post-op, and I feel so....blah.   I mean, I thought that I would be SO incredibly happy that I have had the surgery.   Instead, I just kind of feel like I don't really care about, well, anything really.   I just want to sit in my recliner and sleep. 

Secondly, all I can think about it wanting to eat food.  It seems like I just can't wait until I get off my liquid diet and finally get to eat some real food.  I know, I know, I am separating from my former BFF, but I am not even wanting unhealthy foods...I just want to chew, and feel texture.  I want to eat the grilled chicken, and taste the fresh vegetables from our garden.  Why is this bothering me so much?

I still haven't felt a full sensation, and this really worries me...is this really going to work?  Did I go through all this for nothing?  I mean, I can literally eat a cup full of soup, or drink a cup of protein drink, and not feel full.  I just stop after that because I don't want to overeat.  Is this even normal?  I can actually even take regular drinks (not on purpose, I just forget sometimes), and not feel pain that I have heard others describe.

I really thought after the surgery, I was going to feel incredible, because I knew that I had the powerful tool inside of me.  Instead, I seem to be filled with self doubt.  I don't see a difference, I don't really feel a big difference...and that's leaving me feeling a little down.

That is all.