Twizzled D.

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Been awhile since I wrote in here, and that's my fault. It has been crazy at work and I haven't felt much like poking around the Internet...and then the whole Penn State scandal...just needed a break from reading about it and debating people on Facebook. I don't understand how anyone could take the position that my degree is now worthless just because of what happened. *I* didn't do any of that... *I'm* not implicated. Jeez louise...because my alma mater is facing major heat, I all of a sudden shouldn't be qualified to do my job? Oi...

Anyway... Monday (11/21) is my appointment with the surgeon - 6 week follow up. I haven't been on a scale, I don't want to be on a scale until then. I'm ending my TOM so I am sure I'm retaining a bit, but I'm just sticking with my healthy eating and water and exercise and keepin' on keepin' on. 

Last night, though, was a break from the routine. We had a Martini Night at our favorite martini hangout, bartended by a coworker. It was a celebration/bonding experience...grieving lost relatives, lost pets, lost innocence... but for me, inside, I wasn't really grieving, I was celebrating my last 'bar night' that will include alcohol for the foreseeable future.  I was aware of that, and one of my friends who knows of the surgery was with me, and we talked a bit about it....but my goodness was it a wonderful night, without even getting too drunk! I had 3 martinis in the course of almost 4 hours, which is probably about 2 under what I could usually down...and then have a couple of sodas/waters for another hour or two while I clear my head! I selected the chicken chimichanga for dinner. Oh my, the best I've had. It was STUFFED with chicken and there was avocado, cucumbers, tomatoes, and corn served as a side. It was so deliciously refreshing!! I also had a cup of crab bisque - absolutely delectable. My martini selection - lemon drop (perfection), grape cosmo (tasted like a grape popsicle!) and I ended with something sweet - White chocolatini. I felt satisfied, but not over stuffed (or over tipsy!). No hangover this morning, either. 

I have been debating dying my hair today, I'm not happy with the brassy red that's starting to peek out. I want to make it darker. I'm supposed to have a hair appointment next month, I just want the bangs trimmed, though, before surgery. I'm not sure if i want my hair longer or shorter in case I do start losing some post-op. We'll see. 

Hard to believe Thanksgiving is next week. I may run to the grocery store. I'm in charge of the cranberry sauce (I always make a double batch because the cranberries are 2/$4 and so delicious!) and I've been requested to make a cake as well. I got 2 tart pans from Pampered Chef this summer, so I may attempt a fancy schmancy cake - layered and all. Thanksgiving will be a challenge for eating. I need to remember that peas count as a carb, not a veggie...we don't have a 'true' veggie now unless sweet potatos count (need to look that up). Ready for my 'deck of card' sized white meat turkey slice, my scoop of stuffing, my scoop of peas, my sweet potato, and my cranberry sauce. If I am still hungry, I will add more turkey, not stuffing. Dessert, a small slice of cake. Gram is making pineapple upside down cake, which I don't like. That'll be easy to stay away from. Note that I left mashed potatoes and gravy off my menu. Mashed potatoes aren't my fave, and if I'm going to have potatoes, I'd rather the sweet ones. I just looked up that sweet potatoes are a carb. Might ask Mom to make carrots instead of peas this year.

It's always a running joke how quickly we eat Thanksgiving dinner. I'm making a concentrated effort to eat slowwwwwwwwwwly this year. Not slipping back to that habit.

I guess if I'm going to go to Wegmans I should grab a shower and maybe leave the hair dye for tomorrow. Gotta be home before the game in 90 minutes.  

It's hard to be productive on the weekends, especially knowing that I have class the next two weekends. I did have a couple of small victories I want to remind myself of later:
1) Yesterday, while watching football, I had the huuuuuuuuuuugest craving ever for pizza. Like, I could taste the sauce in my mouth type of craving. Problem is, I don't *make* pizza, I order it delivered. And then I eat way too much, especially because I'm by myself. To satisfy the tomato craving, I made ravioli with tomato sauce. It was carby, but it was way less than chowing down on half a pizza (or more!) 
2) I went to the gym today. I heard my brain making every excuse in the book.... "Your car is in the garage and it's 40 degrees out, you don't really want to go out, open the garage, get the car out, close the garage, and do it all again when you come home, do you?" Then my brain or tummy jumped in on it, "But if you go to the gym, you can stop at the store up there and pick up those yummy chicken strips for dinner - the breaded baked ones!" Well, I DID go to the gym, and I pushed myself HARD...wanted to stop the arc trainer at 20 min but stayed my full 25 and went up 2 incline levels. Wanted to do 15 minutes on the treadmill but did my full 20 and even upped the speed 0.1 near the end. Weights was chest/triceps, and I went up 5 lbs on the fly and the tricep press. I am tired, but like the trainer said, if I don't feel like I am tired, I didn't push myself hard enough. 
3) I managed to remember to stop drinking water a half an hour before lunch, and for an hour plus afterwards. I had a salad with hard boiled egg...OMG love it. I'm not much of an egg salad fan but I love HBE on salads...that's something I'll miss for a bit post surgery, but maybe I can work in the HBE somehow without the egg salad. 
4) I bought my Halloween candy on Friday - I bought stuff that I didn't like to eat so I'm not tempted and I give it all out. :) 
5) I've made sure I've gotten 8 hours of sleep every night since Thursday. It's hard going to bed at 10, I'm such a night owl, but it's worth it. 


Tuesday is my endocrinologist appointment, and Wednesday I meet with the medically supervising weight loss people. I was stoked by an email on Friday from our principal, asking that teachers refrain from sending students around during the Halloween party with goodies, since every classroom will have goodies of its own. That means no turning away kids bringing tempting goodies, which means if I hole up in my little room, I should NOT pig out on goodies. It's a plan!!! 

Next week I meet with the Nutritionist, which is exciting. We are also off that Friday for Veterans Day. The next week is two half-days for parent-teacher conferences. The Monday after that, the 21st, I meet with the surgeon again....it feels like it'll never get here but I know the month is going to fly. 

I let my thoughts wander a little while on the arc trainer and elliptical today. I haven't been the most dilligent person ever with my food. I'm sure my portions contain too many carbs still. I've given into some temptation this week, going out to dinner with friends (Ohhhh Chinese food) and eating way too much. I've indulged in junk food - had a donut that was in the office on Friday. In spite of all of that, my weight is holding steady, down almost 7 lbs from September 24. I'm nowhere near my TOM so I know I'm not retaining. I just need to be more diligent. It concerns me though...what if I'm one of those people who don't lose the weight after surgery, even if I do everything "right"? How am I going to deal with what people on the forum call the 3-week stall.... when I start doubting, maybe don't lose weight... if I'm a slow loser, how will I take it? Am I expecting the weight to fall off, or a slower, steadier process? I need to sit down and think about these things and put some supports in place NOW so my head stays in a good place if/when these things happen.  

I went to my first support group meeting today. I had no idea what to expect. It was SO helpful and informative. One of the things I had been worried about was that there wouldn't be anyone there who was sleeved. Of the post op people, there was a nice even mix - bands, sleeves, and bypasses! During the meeting, Dad asked a lot of questions and they were all answered. Even after the meeting, 3 of the post op patients who had sleeves came over and talked to us for nearly half an hour. One thing I really like is that they have a list of peoples' contact information, so that you can talk to others whom you've met face to face. I do like the online forum, but it is nice to know that I have contact info for people I've actually met - and they've told me to use it. 

I'm working up the courage to view a VSG surgery on YouTube. I was told it's not bloody. I'm going to try. I really am. I'm so squeamish.

The nice thing was, none of the 3 there had any post-op complications, varied levels of pain, and all were back at work within 2 weeks (some had extra time - the lose or use time). I'm a little less scared than I was....and now a little more anxious for November 21 to get here!!! That's the day of my next consult with the surgeon, where we hopefully submit everything to insurance. It looks like, even if I can't get in before Christmas, I won't need a whole lot of time off from work. I just hate the idea of having to pay my 2012 deductible for the surgery if I don't have to. Thing is, though, I'll have to meet the deductible at some point anyway. We'll see. One day at a time. 

All 3 people who were there are averaging 20 lbs lost per month since surgery. WOW.

Another long day with some exhaustion setting in. I'll be awake another hour and then calling it an early night.  

Today was my EGD. I didn't feel any nerves about the procedure until they started wheeling me back. Thankfully, the anesthesia was fast acting and I was loopy as they were telling me to roll onto my left... I think. It got fuzzy FAST. I don't remember waking up, just... being awake, if that makes sense, and my dad coming back to sit with me. I do remember saying I wanted cranberry juice, and telling Dad I was a little loopy (he said "how's that different from any other day?" ha...comedian). They kept me there for a couple of BP readings - 97/47! Whoooooo!!! It eventually came up to 110/70. I think. Everything is so fuzzy. We picked up mom and nana because the nurse told me I had to eat - it had been 15 hours. We went to Denny's. I remember having a ham and cheese omelette... and that's it. I remember getting home about 10:30, going on the couch, and sleeping til 4. I'm still really tired. Oh, the surgeon did tell me he saw some irritation in the stomach and they did a biopsy. I'm guessing it's to test for H Pylori? Will find out soon. 

Pretty uneventful day. I won't be awake late tonight for sure! LOL. 

Monday, Monday. Today felt longer than it was because 4 of my groups were on their field trip... I filled up 2 of the slots to make up kids I will miss tomorrow, and one more with a kid I need to test, but I still had almost 90 minutes unfilled, so I got a chunk done out of my paperwork. Perhaps tomorrow afternoon I'll do another chunk. I have my EGD tomorrow morning. It was 8AM, but they called me today and I have to be there at 6:30 for the 7:00 procedure. YOWZA! The good thing is, no contacts, no jewelry, no makeup....so I get to go in looking like a scrub, which knocks 20 minutes off my morning routine. No food either, there's another 10 (making the protein shake). I get to wake up at 5:45 since Dad will pick me up at 6:15. Shower and dry hair. I can do that. :) At least it's only an hour earlier than normal. 

I'm a little nervous about the EGD, not so much for the procedure since I'll be knocked out.  I'm more worried about saying something inappropriate while I'm groggy....  . I found out the bariatric surgeon does the EGD...news to me! That's good though. Dad is driving me so he gets to meet the surgeon then, which I know he'll take full advantage of if he can... LOL. 

My aunt is in California this week, she called to tell me how much fun she's having, which I'm glad to hear. I asked her about my PCP (she's his nurse) signing for my medically supervised weight loss. He's checking NO, which means I have to pay out of pocket for their medical staff at the surgeon's program to follow me. It's kind of frustrating, I'd like my PCP to be there since he knows me...but his reason is that he wants someone connected directly with the nutritionist monitoring me so that I'm safer...which I get. Ugh. That's one more appointment to get in, which means another day off from work. Or half day. Hopefully they can get me in after work, which would be ideal. 

Better late than never, I finished hanging my Halloween decorations. I have these hanging spider lights...my cats are in the window growling at them. I can't stop laughing! They were pawing at the window, but now it's just growling. Hopefully they protect me from REAL spiders as well. 

I think it's going to be bedtime soon. 2 weeks in a row of early Tuesday doctor appointments....it'll be worth it in the end.  

Missed two days...got busy, barely read the forums, but did OK keeping on my eating plan.

I wavered a little last night. My parents called and asked if I wanted to go to the Chinese buffet with them and my gram for dinner. I had been thinking earlier in the day that I was really hungry for some peanut chicken and wondering if the local take-out had peanut chicken...so I said OK (Because I knew the buffet did). On the drive up (into the dreaded Wal-Mart death trap of a parking lot), I started thinking that this might be one of the last times I eat at a buffet. I mean, my mom had RnY and they still do buffets on occasion... I was wondering....will I miss it? 

Then I realized that I don't eat a whole lot at Buffets. At least, not at this one. I can remember times going to buffets and making 3-4 trips with filled to the top heaping piles of food on each plate...this time...not so much. I didn't take any rice. I got the peanut chicken, some walnut shrimp, sweet and sour chicken, crab rangoons, fruit, and a cup of ice milk (I went for the cup, not the soup bowl) - and that was spread out over 3 trips...but every time I made sure that I still had white showing through the bottom of my plate. Maybe my dollar-conscious unnamed family member would say I didn't eat $11 worth of food...but I think I did and I was satisfied with what I ate and I didn't leave feeling hungry OR bloatedly full. 

So maybe I won't miss buffets. And when I do go, I can control myself. 

I've been fighting the what-if monster a bit the last few days, too. I'm excited, for sure, but nervous. I read a post on the VSG board today from someone who's 1 year out with some great advice.... with my whole stomach, trying to eat what I'll be allowed over VSG...my brain will think I'm starving. Post op, though.... I'll be *satisfied* with smaller portions. It's not like I'm going to be depriving myself. I'm still getting nutrition, I'm still eating to satisfaction...it's a smaller, healthier amount with healthier foods. It's a big change. It's a lifestyle change. I know once I see the weight sliding off, it'll help to keep me on track. I've started making a pros/cons list...but when I look at my cons, they're so silly.

"No martini nights for at least a year" (OMG so what? I can still GO, the bartender already said he makes a mean cranberry juice!)  
"No feedbag days" (Yeah, like they were really working out for me)
"The pain of surgery and recovery" (Because the risk of becoming diabetic and going through all of that is so much a better option? No way!)
"Pizza...bye bye" (for now. Not forever. And think how much more you'll SAVOR that one slice of pizza instead of feeling the need/desire to cram half a pie in one sitting)
"Do I have the money to replace my wardrobe?" (This one cracks me up... I get what I was thinking...but there are consignment shops. I think I was worried about how much more I'll SPEND on clothes and shoes when I can shop in more than 2 stores...but that's what sales and coupons are for. I'm a bargain hunter now, as it is. If nothing else...that means more trips to the Outlets!)

Those are the cons I came up with. The pro's totally outweigh (no pun intended, but ha!) them.
Lowering my risk of the family history diseases (Type 2 Diabetes, heart disease, high cholesterol, hypertension)
Having a healthier, more active lifestyle
Feeling more positively about myself and not worrying about other people judging me so much by my appearance
Not looking around for the biggest chair/most amount of room at meetings or worrying about not being comfortable in different seats
Better wardrobe/shoe selection
Not being so winded going up and down stairs
Having more energy
Making the diet/exercise changes for a healthy lifestyle to be a role model for my students
Not having that 'am I the fattest one here?' thought
Being more confident/comfortable in social situations
Not hearing those backhanded compliments from Gram anymore (You'd be so pretty if you weren't heavy.... I know you're not getting married because of your weight.... I made cake because I know you like to eat dessert)
Possibly resolving/reducing some of the PCOS symptoms I have (if that's what it is)
Living longer
Not having to rotate which cushion of the couch I sit on, because when I sit on one cushion too many times the couch starts to look uneven.
Wearing higher heels without pain?!
Traveling!! And being comfortable in planes/trains/automobiles
Crossing my legs at a point other than my ankles
Wearing a skirt/dress without feeling like a linebacker
Buying a one piece bathing suit, or a two piece that doesn't include a skirt
Wearing said bathing suit in front of people to whom I'm not related
Having more than a farmer's tan because I'm willing to expose skin to the sun at times
Finishing my left arm tattoo


Yep.... the pros outweigh the cons.

So glad the first part of the labs are done today. What a loooooooooooooong day! There was mass confusion caused by my organizational skills this morning. First off, wound up getting to the hospital before 6:30 because I was just that quick getting ready this morning (not making breakfast and getting my food/water after the shower threw me off!). The receptionist asked me if I was there for surgery, and I said no, labwork, and handed her the papers. She got all flustered asking why I had the outpatient and inpatient procedures scheduled together (Gastroscopy is next Tuesday). I had to explain, like, 7 times that I needed the xray, ultrasound, and bloodwork today for the gastroscopy next week. So she finally got it, and I had to explain it again to the nurse who did the registration. All this at 6:30AM with no coffee. I'm so proud that I didn't scream or snap. LOL

The procedures were painless. And quick! Chest xray at 6:50, Ultrasound at 7, Bloodwork at 7:15. Bing bang boom. Made it to Dunkin Donuts for my coffee by 7:45, stopped by my parents' house to have it (and some eggs) before getting to work for 8:30 (they live right down the road from my work). My dad is taking me for the gastroscopy next week, and going with me to the support group next Thursday. He's been through this before, with Mom, so he wants to go and ask his questions too. He also wants to meet the surgeon. I'm his princess, what can I say. He's already said that he wouldn't let my mom go through with surgery until he was convinced she would be safe, and the same goes for me. 

The surgeon's office also called today, what a scare. I wore pants without pockets so my phone was off and in my purse all day, and I missed the calls. The first voicemail scared me, they needed to change my appointment. The second was to disregard the previous message. So of course I called to check. Originally I had my appointment on November 28 (Monday after Thanksgiving) but since that was 7 weeks, not 6, I rescheduled for the 21st. They are going to be closed the 28th so I would've had to move anyway - YAY! So it's very very possible that on November 21, just 33 days from now, I'll have a surgery date. Whoa. 

My cats, man. They're so awesome. It's going to be hard to keep them off my tummy for awhile post surgery. My boy is probably over 13 lbs now, my girl is close to 9 lbs. They're both babies, too - the boy is probably a little over 2 (SPCA adoption) and the girl is nearly 2 (stray). I've had them since March and July 2010. My boy loves sleeping between my feet and my girl loves to cuddle up against my right hip or across my tummy. They also tend to use Mama's belly as a jumping board when I'm lying on the couch. Starting to practice lying down with a pillow over my tummy to help discourage that. 

I'm finding I have more support than I thought. I was talking to a coworker who shares my classroom about the liquid protein diet. She says she is going to do the 2 week pre-op diet with me to help me stay on track. I kind of went...eeeek - I don't know if you should do it just for support, I'm doing it under medical supervision! So she may just do protein shake lunches and no snacking during work. I thought that was really sweet. 

I think I'm reaching the limits of my awake-ness. Got to go make tomorrow's lunch and prepare for BED! Hooray! 

This will be sorta short. I have to get to bed soon - 5AM wakeup for 6:30 registration for gall bladder ultrasound, chest xray, and bloodwork. See if I can get them all in before work. 

I am SO gonna need coffee tomorrow!

I've been journaling my questions for the surgeon. I don't know. I feel like I'm getting nervous already about complications. My brother calls me the world's worst patient because I'm a glass-half-empty person when it comes to my health. I know that I want to have a VSG because I need another tool to help me change my life. I think the permanency of it is just starting to hit me, though. Like.....most of my stomach is going to be GONE. There's no getting it back. Once it hits....it's a scary thought. 

It might be time for me to make a list of pros/cons because I need to be absolutely sure I have 100% faith and confidence in my ability to follow through to make this sleeve work the best it can for me.

I've been extending my support network. I have talked to my parents, my aunt, my brother...and those are the only family members I plan on telling prior to surgery. I talked to 3 of the teachers I work with closely because the timeline will affect how I get paperwork to them. I'm beginning to plan ahead and make sure I have everything in order with them. I have a very very close friend with whom I go to the gym. It's hard to gauge her reaction. I know she struggles with her weight and she's slowly losing through diet and exercise. I think she and I are going to have to sit down and have a heart to heart. She's one of my closest friends. I'll need her support. I also spoke to our school counselor as a multiple viewpoint - administrative, coworker, friend, and mental health professional. She's so excited for me. I think she's way more excited than I am at this point - hard to believe! We talked for almost a half an hour while waiting for a meeting that never arrived...it helped. So, slowly, I'm branching out my support network. I have a few more friends I want to tell...and then waiting until my surgeon's appointment to tell my administrators. If I can have this surgery when I'm thinking I can, I may only wind up with 8.5 days off from work, but 3 weeks of recovery time. The miracles of the end of the year! 

That's it for now....I'm exhausted. My friend and I did my gym routine today and it kicked her butt too! I feel like I got a great workout and I feel it, but I don't feel like I'm unable to move. I'm not totally achy...but oh my goodness I have NO bicep muscles!!!  

That flip-flopping I did yesterday? Retail therapy helped today. Mom and I had to go shopping for a cousin's baby shower next Saturday, so after a scavenger hunt through Babies R Us, we went to 2 plus-size women's stores for her to pay her charge cards. Mom has lost a TON of weight since surgery - 150+ lbs, but not proportionally. She's a 10/12 on the bottom and anywhere from a 14/16 to 18/20 on top (lots of it in the tatas but still some belly too). One of the stores had a 30% off EVERYTHING (except clearance) sale. I told Mom I was hesitant to shop - how long am I going to fit in these tops? I looked anyway, and I wound up buying nothing. I was so depressed after shopping because all the tops were SHAPELESS and GRAY. At least, that's what I saw. Nothing had a shape, not even tunic-like. Just baggy, hanging, sweaters and tees. So I said I'll just make do with the tops I have until surgery. We got in the car and I almost started crying. My mom was a little confused - I told her, it's like it just solidified it for me. I've tried for years and years to lose this weight, but I've always found clothes I like in these stores. Now I'm absolutely sure that I need this surgery to help my diet and exercise routine because I can't take another winter of having to be limited in what I can wear. I'd love to wear a dress or skirt without feeling like I look like a linebacker. 

Mom and i spent about 4-5 hours together today - shopping and a late lunch at the Olive Garden. We split the salad and a bowl of chicken gnocchi soup (WAY good!) and I got the shrimp and crab tortolli something. Not the healthiest option, but I ate less than half of it! I can't count how many times I've gouged myself on way 'heavier' foods there. No wine, no dessert, stuck with iced tea - unsweetened - and I chewed sooooooo slowly and stopped when my tummy started to press out a little. I'm thinking that's my hunger signal. Lately it's just been either: OMG lunch is almost over so I have to be done eating - and I stop - or I just get so tired of chewing and I stop eating. Mom gave me another of her surgery books. I'll read through it tonight. 

I got to ask her a lot of questions too, stuff I didn't know about her pre/post op because I wasn't living at home. I hadn't realized her hair was thinning as much as it is - except she's also got no thyroid, so that can play a role. We talked a lot about foods she can eat, foods she's not supposed to - and she even had a minor incident of dumping while we were at lunch. The feeling was there, not the actual passing...she said it was because she ate too much. And yeah, her lunch meal was a little heavier cream-based sauce with chicken and ravioli, so I can see that. It passed rather quickly, though.

For as supportive as my mom's being, it makes me feel a tinge of guilt because I wasn't nearly this supportive when she went through surgery. I did mention that to her and told her the apology was too little too late, but I still felt it. She didn't really rub it in....more like...shrugged it off. As she said, I didn't research, I didn't know what I know now. The funniest part is - my surgery date might wind up being on or very near her 2-year surgiversary. 

Tuesday I go for my gallbladder ultrasound and hopefully bloodwork and chest x-ray, if I can get it all in before work. Tuesday is going to be a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooong day. I have to be at the hospital for 6:30, work for 8:30 until 3:45, and a haircut at 4:30. OMG I may fall asleep when Katie is washing my hair! 

I've been having a lot of guilt about the amount of time I've been taking off from work, too. I've been making up my missed sessions so I don't have many hanging...I don't get a sub when I'm off. Right now I have 1 more full day and 3 half-days to be off. They're on all different days of the week, so I'm doing the best I can to rearrange everything. I think at some point around the beginning of November, I may talk to my boss and supervisor about the fact I'm pursuing this procedure....or I might wait until my surgery date. 

Tomorrow evening I go back to the gym again, this time with my workout buddy friend. She's going to follow along with my workout routine for the most part. She lost weight with our treadmill only dealie this summer. I'm not sore from my workout this morning, and I'm hoping it stays that way through tomorrow!  

Yesterday was my first official "new" gym workout. By the end of it, I was cursing the trainer (under my breath). Wow, that workout kicked my butt...but the nice thing was, I wasn't fully sore this morning. Yeah, I hurt a bit last night, but not like pain...more like...you DID something. That sort of feeling. I took today off but I'm going tomorrow before shopping for a baby shower gift and maybe lunch with Mom. I think we may go somewhere to lunch, I do want to pick her brain more about the surgery and stuff, since she's 22 months out from RnY.

Last night I also talked to my brother for a good hour on the phone, and told him I was pursuing surgery. He was way more supportive with me than I remember him being with our mom. He said, "I know you work out, I know you watch what you eat, and if it's not working, and surgery will help, you have to do what you think is best." He asked me if I'm taking the diet and exercise seriously, and I said of course! Then he asked me something that threw me. He said, "If the diet and exercise work for you, are you still getting the surgery?" I had to stop and think about that. I guess I'm so used to diet/exercise failing. What I told him after a lot of thinking was that diet/exercise has been a short term fix in the past, and if it works before surgery, I'll be thrilled. However, the diet/exercise is part of a new lifestyle with or without surgery, and the surgery is one more tool to add to that lifestyle. I've slid back in the past and let the old habits creep back. I think of the surgery as an ultimate form of behavior modification. I don't want to use diet/exercise to lose 100+ lbs and then have it all gain back because I get sloppy. The surgery will be my warning system  - my "Yo beyotch, knock it off NOW" reminder. I wish I had enough fingers to count the number of lifestyle changes I've made in the last 10 years alone. I need to make a permanent one, and this surgery is going to be a tool to be part of that.  He seemed to accept my answer. He's not thrilled about me pursuing surgery right before Christmas, because that's when Mom had hers. His birthday is around Christmastime, so for him, it's feeling limited about what he can do for his birthday because of my health. I can understand that, to a point, but I told him the only reason I would look for it around that time is because I've got the built in week off from work between the holidays, so I don't have to worry about burning too much time or missing too many sessions while I recuperate. 

I'm going to start using more of my time to plan out what I need to do - work wise and personal-wise, since my surgeon's office said if I get the approval early enough, I could be looking at a mid-December surgery date. That's 2 months away, which is kinda scary..but exciting at the same time. In 2 months I could be down another 8-10 lbs from where I am now, making me 8-10 lbs closer to my goal....whatever that is. 

I really don't know how to set a goal for my weight. I'm 298 lbs right now at 5'3, and the surgeon's nurse told me that my "ideal" weight, according to the chart, is 128 lbs. So.... I'm going to lose 170 lbs? I don't know. My mom is 5'4 but her surgeon wants her at 175 lbs (she's 23 lbs from goal right now). So... I guess it's going to be a case of, the closer I get, I see how I look and feel. I don't want to look emaciated. I don't want to look unproportional either (I'm a DD cup...I kind of want to be a little curvy... not sure how my breasts will change but I don't want to lose them all!). So, I guess for now my goal is to lose 100 lbs and go from there. I do want to be under 200 lbs. Actually, as I think while I type... I was 180ish in high school. I bet I could get down to 160 and see where I want to go from there. So... 138 lbs..nah, that's uneven. Let's shoot for an even 140. Or 150? Do I want to say I can lose half of me?