Twizzled D.

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Well, I'm feeling a little bit better, enough so to get back to work on my busiest day of the week. I didn't have a voice this morning but a steamy shower and lots of water helped that quickly. Now I've got just a little hoarseness.

I'm finding it easy to stick to the pre-op diet. I'm not sure what's up with that, especially when I read the forum posts. There are a few people who post about being hungry, nauseous, tired, cranky, having a headache, and cheating. It makes me wonder if I'm doing something wrong. I'm hitting about 800 calories a day and I'm down 15 lbs now. Aside from the second day, no headaches, no tiredness, and no crankiness. I'm sticking to the guidelines for servings/day of the "limited" foods, and having my 4 protein drinks/day. Yesterday I actually felt like having broth with protein powder instead, just because I still wasn't feeling well. I learned not to add the protein powder to boiling broth. Not so good. But I'm hitting the 64oz of water easily, and I've added a little G2 every day. The Propel packets for water definitely help because plain water can get boring. I'm not even temped by "real" food. I mentioned that to a friend today, and she said maybe my attitude towards food is already changing - that I'm eating to live and not living to eat. It's something to think about.

Tomorrow will be one week until my surgery. Tomorrow was almost my new surgery date! Got a call from the surgeon's office telling me they had a cancellation tomorrow and would I like a reschedule to tomorrow? I said, wait, is there a problem with the 21st? They said no...just offering reschedule. I declined, because that would be an extra 5 days off from work and I am nowhere near ready to go in for surgery tomorrow! They were OK with that. :) It threw me for a little loop, when I started thinking about everything I have to do between now and next Tuesday. I still need to get my pre-op bloodwork tomorrow, and I called for my pre-op admissions interview. The lady there told me they'd call me...which makes me wonder why I had to call them in the first place if they have a set date they call everyone anyway. I may call again tomorrow just to double-check.

Tomorrow is also my favorite day for working in a school - no, not the last day of school. It's the dress rehearsal for the holiday program. The whole school has an assembly to watch each grade do one last 'dry run' before their show. It's split - K, 1, 2 Thursday, and 3, 4, 5 and instruments on Friday. I love it. It's the first time we get to see each grade coming together and showing off how hard they've worked on something as a group...and it's fun! I just hope I don't cough through the whole thing. I'm also considering taking paperwork down to do during the breaks in between when the classes are getting off/getting on the stage. Every 5 minutes helps! 

I'm writing so early because I'm home sick. Saturday night was the Santa sleigh ride to benefit Toys for Tots, and it was a blast, as usual. I thought I had bundled up enough, but I got a chill that I couldn't shake even after I came inside, and it's turned into a full blown cold. I've been outside for 3+ hours for this in colder weather that we had. I can't help but wonder if the fact I'm eating < 1000 calories/day and am off my vitamins, and not getting my nutrition through solid food, has something to do with it. Whatever it is, I'm fighting it with fluids and rest - good thing I'm on the liquid diet, I've been easily making 64 oz water/day. Yesterday I hit almost 72, and it's 9AM and I've already had 32 oz. I may hit 96 oz today. Anything to flush this out. The best part is, everything I've been hacking up/sneezing out/blowing out (TMI, sorry) has been clear, not green or yellow, so there's no infection yet... got to keep it that way with surgery 9 days away!

The party after the sleigh ride was fun too. Finally called it quits at 2:30AM...the rest of the group was there til almost 4:30. There was a ton of great food - cheesesteak stromboli, chicken cheesesteak stromboli, homemade baked chicken strips, chicken wing dip, cole slaw, macaroni salad, deep fried wings with a choice of sauces (mild, hot, BBQ), cookies, chocolate peanut butter cups, some sort of puff pastry... and I was tempted to eat absolutely none of it. I looked at it, sure...but I didn't have this voice inside me going, "OMG this liquid diet suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks...just load up a plate and get back on track tomorrow!" Not sure if that's because I'm getting the hang of this 'making good choices' thing or it was the illness/chill invading my body, but I kept to my protein shakes and water through the night, and no one said anything about me not eating/drinking alcohol - even though very few people at the party (like a fifth, maybe) know I'm going for surgery NEXT WEEK. (wow, that just seems so weird to even type!) If I wasn't sick, it'd have been nice to have woken up yesterday feeling chipper and happy instead of how I usually feel, hungover and miserable. I'll get that chipper feeling on New Year's Day this year...first New Year's in...10 legal years....let's not go back farther than that on a posted blog! ;) ) that I won't be drinking. 

Got a little pissed at my mom during the party. She's almost 2 years post RnY and she put down almost 2 bottles of wine by herself on Saturday night. Then she insisted on driving to the casino. I told her no, she insisted she was fine...she started drinking coffee for about 2 hours to sober up..first time she spilled coffee all over the floor while pouring but insisted it was because someone bumped her (no one was near her). I called her on it and she slurred that she wasn't drunk. The fact that she got up to the casino and back with no apparent bad effects worries me, because I don't want it to become a habit that she keeps drinking at functions like this, thinking she's fine, and eventually gets tagged or in an accident because of it. 

That's one thing I want to start researching so I can prepare myself and possibly set up counseling if needed, since my insurance provides for unlimited visits for mental health: replacement addictions. I think it's easy to say with being as obese as I am, food is an addiction - carbs and junk food especially. I know that's the first addiction I have to conquer. I wouldn't say I have an alcohol addiction...my days of binge drinking are long since gone, and I no longer drink to get drunk. I'm a social drinker... I feel that buzz and I know it's time to stop. I don't like that feeling of not being in control and I don't like that my filter breaks down when I drink. I have had family members and friends who have alcohol problems, and I've seen how they're perceived socially. That's never been a rep I've wanted...after college, when I realized how stupid it was. My mom's transfer addictions have been growing.... she gets stuff from QVC almost daily. She was addicted to eBay for awhile for scrapbooking supplies - she does still scrapbook, but doesn't buy the stuff online anymore. She's at the casino at least 3x/week for at least 6 hours each of those days. She's playing slots games on Facebook and other sites, too (hopefully not any of the 'pay' sites). And I can't recall one time before her surgery when I saw her drink - of course, with the diabetes, she couldn't...she was always the designated driver. It worries me. I first considered this surgery because I saw the road my genetics was starting to take me down and I wanted to avoid it, but I've realized I have to make sure I avoid the same road after my surgery as well. 

I'd say I want to be a gym/exercise addict but that's not true. I don't want to be obsessive. I want to continue going to the gym because I enjoy it and because I see results that I like, not because I'm obsessed with some perfect image of myself. Truth be told, I still have a hard time picturing myself at any weight besides where I am now. It'll be a fun transformation to experience, and hopefully that helps keep me from being obsessive about reaching what I've imagined I should look like.

Speaking of weight...I've lost 13 lbs now from this pre-op diet. I'm sure a good deal of that was water weight. I haven't noticed clothes fitting any differently. It'd be nice to hit 20 lbs down before surgery, and with 9 days to go ( 2.64 lbs dow per day), it's entirely do-able. 

Hey, I got the right date on this one! :) 

So tomorrow starts the pre-op liquid diet. Believe it or not, I have been looking forward to it. For one thing, no cooking for about a month (OMG WOOHOO!). I stocked up on everything that's on my "good to eat/drink" list. I'm even trying Cream of Wheat for the first time for dinner tomorrow. Funny things have been happening as I prep for this:

1) I have found I've savored my food more the last 3-4 days...kind of like I knew this was my last time having solid food for awhile. I had thought I'd have had a total loss of willpower and just pig out like crazy, but I didn't. Even at dinner tonight, I felt myself getting full, and rather than shove in the last 10 shrimp, I sent them home with my aunt for my grandmother or her for lunch tomorrow. 

2) Related to the above, i've noticed a huge difference between head hunger and mouth hunger (not even worried about stomach hunger, but I've been paying better attention). A few times this past week, I've eaten something that I ordered because it sounded good...and it just wasn't as good as I expected. Example: Today our meal came with a free dessert, so I got triple chocolate brownie. It was good, don't get me wrong...but I wasn't ready to lick my plate clean of every bit of chocolate. I am a certified sweet-o-holic, so that is very unusual for me!

3) I'm looking forward to soup. I hate broth in the worst way, but I'm going to add protein powder and see if I like it better. I even have the low sodium stuff. 

4) I've been having dreams like crazy! Last night I dreamed I had surgery and my entire building came in to visit me in the hospital, they brought a cake and balloons (I know, cake...wtf?) but I didn't have any of it. I remember in the dream someone said "Oh you're so skinny now." but curse my stupid brain, there was no mirror in the dream for me to "see" myself. 

5) My bowel movements are way more frequent. I've even had to pee during the work day! Got to plan those breaks better, I'm not used to that!

6) I was so proud of myself for about 45 minutes today. I was at the store and saw these little water bottles that were 8oz...thought, great I can make my protein shakes in these and have the perfect serving size. What I did NOT notice was that the bottles were 'child proofed' - you can't take the top off. Oh well, I have 8 oz- bottles of water. Most expensive day's supply of water EVER. ;)

i am exhausted, but that's from the work day. I'm so ready to start this liquid diet. I expect this week to be easy but the weekend to be tough, because of the holiday party. I'll make it through, though! I'm excited to see how much, if any, weight I lose on this 2 week diet.  

I apparently can't tell the date anymore. HA! Off by a day. What a whirlwind December always is, but it'll be twice as much this year. I just realized I have 2 full weeks of work plus 2 days before surgery. Add to that on the weekends 3 Christmas parties (all during my liquid diet), and all of the paperwork i'll be doing at home to make sure I'm fully caught up before surgery so I can come back on the 3rd or 4th and ease on in.... I'll be lucky if I remember to breathe! 

My mother is taking me to Sam's club tomorrow to stock up for my liquid diet. I'm pretty much going up for the puddings and Jell-o's...maybe some Kool Aid containers if I can find them too. She did this already so she'll be a good guide. Today was busy again with paperwork - last night for 3 hours, and another 3 hours today. Jeez, those people who say teachers have it easy don't realize that we don't just leave our work at work...the job comes home with us. And yet I know some people who can do it all within their day. Gosh, I wish I could, but there's no way. I will say I've gotten more efficient in the last few years, but still, this is the time when it usually piles up and if I don't take it home, I miss deadlines, and that can't happen. 

I tangented. Lots on my mind but not all related to me. My grandmother (whom I took shopping yesterday) fell at the market today - had to go to the ER by ambulance and she got 4 stitches. I'm not exactly sure *where* these stitches are... I didn't get that much of the story. My mom is taking her to the family doctor tomorrow for something unrelated to today's fall...but my mom already talked to the doctor and the doctor is going to tell her he recommends against her driving again, after the accident last month. It's not her first accident...not by a longshot...but she's 87 now, and thankfully this time no one else was involved - just her and a concrete barrier, and it was low speed, so it was mostly just damage along her car as she scraped it up. $2500 worth of damage is a lot, though. I don't think she's going to take this not-driving advice well at all. The part of the family that we're estranged from has keys to her car, and I'm hoping there's communication between all 3 of my grandmother's daughters to help convince her that she has to not drive anymore.... it's going to be more than a little strained.... 

I should write more, but I don't know what to write. I can't even think. I'm down to the last of my food in the fridge, so it's been all salad and crabmeat and leftover chicken this weekend while I've been at home. I am super thirsty today, and I think my TOM is going to be starting soon..hopefully pre surgery. 

It's been a crazy week. I've been working doubly hard at work to make sure I leave on the 20th with a clean desk, meaning most of my paperwork is being done at home. There's some stressful stuff upcoming at work that has me very nervous and it's been hard to not focus on that. Friday was our work Christmas party, which was a lot of fun. I wound up staying much longer than I had planned, and officially had my last bits of alcohol for the next year. I was well beyond moderate, and it was nice to have a great time without worrying about driving. Not that I'd get blitzed, especially at a work function...but I didn't even have a buzz by the time I left - 'course, 2 beers over the course of 5 hours (with dinner) might have had something to do with that. I savored every sip of that #9. Saturday morning I took my grandmother to do her Christmas shopping. She is very very excited that I'm having surgery. I reflected on this a little yesterday. My grandmothers, and I don't know if it's that generation or not, have always been very critical of peoples' weights (not just mine). The gram I took yesterday, she was obese herself before health problems, and even now she'd be considered overweight. Her husband's non-ironic nickname was "Fat." My mother and aunts all struggled with their weights. Yet on Dancing with the Stars, my gram would call Nancy Grace "the fat blonde." Super critical. The other gram...yeah, she's always made comments, the backhanded kind - you'd be so pretty if you weren't so heavy. Great for a teenager's self esteem, wasn't it? Anyway, yesterday my Gram kept saying, "Oh I'm so excited for you, this is a good thing, you're going to be so happy." And it got me to thinking...in the most general, overall terms, I *am* happy now! I mean, yeah, there are things that I'm not happy with, but it's not like weight loss is going to magically cure those things. I know my self esteem isn't super, and I expect that to improve, but not going to super-confidence to the point of arrogance. I'm doing this so I'm healthy NOW and I don't have to go through the health problems my mom had - and because I've failed at losing weight without this surgery. It just made me think...jeez, just because I'm fat, doesn't mean I'm miserable....I already have a happy pill that I can't wait to start taking again after surgery - my birth control, for the hormone stabilization. Although I hear weight loss may help with balancing out the hormones that are outta whack anyway.

We went for lunch yesterday (of course) and it was at TGI Friday's. I had a craving for boneless bites, so I gave into that. I had a wedge salad with it, though, not a full lunch. My gram had some of the bites, and what's funny is, I paid attention to what my body was telling me and I could feel myself saying "Ok, that's enough, don't need anymore." And this is pre-op. Going into Friday's, I was thinking about their desserts...but when I looked at the menu, nothing really jumped out at me as something I wanted....so I didn't order dessert. I'm thinking it was more my head saying "dessert yes yes yes" and my body saying "meh, no thanks." It was an odd feeling. Even at the bar on Friday, a group of my friends decided to do shots, and I had them count me out. I just didn't feel like doing shots. Hmm, could it be my body's finally taking control over my brain? It's pretty cool. :) 

Thursday was our family Christmas meal...no, I don't always celebrate early, but my mom and brother had made a deal about something and the payoff was dinner at Ruth's Chris. My mom wanted to go before Christmas so that I could enjoy, and since I won't have food at Christmas and I may not be feeling well (who knows?), she wanted a family meal for Christmas. I mean, I get it... I'm still going to be at Christmas dinner, but since this was a big fancy meal she was paying for, she wanted to make sure I wasn't taking 4 bites of a $50 meal ;) I ate well, but I don't think I overate. Everything was delicious and I savored it all. I even won $60 at the casino that night, too!

Today I'm doing tons of paperwork. This is me procrastinating. I'll get it done, though.  

A happy day indeed. My surgeon's office has my authorization letter from the insurance company approving VSG. I am scheduled 12/21/11. I keep wavering between excitment and nerves. OMG I never thought I'd be so excited to start a pre-op liquid diet! It will be the longest 23 days of my life now, because now it's what I'm focused on. It will help me stick to the eating plan with getting off a bit off over Thanksgiving. 

I am glad I got my Christmas shopping done and everything that's not being delivered via online ordering is already wrapped, because that's one less thing to worry about. My nights will be filled with paperwork now. I need to make sure all my ducks are in a row before I leave on December 20. That also means a LOT of month-end paperwork being done at home, but I'm OK with that. I just have to bring the laptop home to do that work. It'll be a very busy three weeks, so maybe that'll help me a little (a lot). 

I'm trying soy milk tomorrow with my protein shake. Let's see how we do with that.  

 I had some sort of mini revelation today. I made dinner for myself - huuuuge craving for chicken parm. Let me preface this by saying when I make chicken parm, I don't bread it. I haven't breaded it for a few years, and I don't miss the breading. I pan sear it in a little olive oil, add in the marinara and part skim mozzarella, and bazinga! The breast was a 7 oz breast, and I made a serving of pasta to go with it. With the curly noodles, it wound up being like 12 noodles when I measured it, but I ate about half the chicken breast and the pasta and I just stopped. Like...hmmm, I'm tired of chewing. I was doing the 30 chews per bite thing. I've found I eat slower when I watch TV. 

So I just got off the phone with a friend of mine. I told him I was pursuing bariatric surgery, explained everything I went through this summer in more detail...and after that, he brought on a friend of his who works with people to lose weight but isn't a registered dietician or anything - just managed to lose weight herself through diet and exercise. She gave me 'tips' - things I've done before and have't worked for me. He's dead set against me having this surgery... I mean, it just makes me feel like more of a failure. Why can't *I* lose this weight through diet and exercise? I just hope when I do have the surgery, I don't lose a good friend in the process. 

So, today I got my approval, but it was for the RnY. We have to resubmit for the VSG but the office staff doesn't seem to think it'll be a major problem. If I don't hear by Wednesday I plan on calling the insurance myself and pleading my case. :)

I'm at peace with my decision for surgery. I have lost 7 lbs in the last 6 weeks according to the surgeon's scale. I worked my butt off for those 7 lbs! (not literally, there's still a lot of butt there!). I told the surgeon that, and the dietary changes I've made so far, and he told me that the sleeve will be a tool to help keep me on track and I can lose more than 7 lbs in a 6 week time frame. I asked him how much he expected me to lose, and he said his patients average 60% of EWL. Going by the insurance BMI chart, my ideal weight is 128 lbs. I don't remember 128 lbs, ever. So if I'm at 299 now, that means I have 171 lbs to lose to get to that. 60% of 171 is 102.6 - rounded to 103, my surgeon expects me to be at 196 lbs in one year. I'd be at a BMI of 34.7, which is still obese. If I can get to 70% of my EWL, I'd be at 120 lbs lost, or 171 lbs weight, a BMI of 30.3. Still obese. Ok, up to 75% loss. 128 lbs lost, 163 lbs weight. BMI 28.9 - overweight! Wowsers... I'd think 150 would be a good weight, which is 88% of EWL. I'd be slightly overweight. I start to think about these numbers and it just boggles my mind. Right now, I'm not even thinking about ending weight...just being healthier! However, if it's a discrepancy of 28% EWL between where I need to be and where the surgeon sees me, I have GOT to rock this sleeve hard. That should keep me motivated. 

I'm already looking at the post op diet. I am going to try to aim for the upper limits of the time frame for moving between food stages, just so I don't rush and do something wrong. I tend to be a little impatient (LOL) so if I force myself to stay on each stage for the max time, I can develop good habits early and it will be easier to keep them up. 

With the pre-op diet, I should start around Dec 7, if all goes well with the insurance. I counted it out. That's 10 days of work plus 4 weekend days. There is one holiday party in there - but it's at my parents' house, so I should be able to stay on track. My mom did this 2 years ago, so she can support me there. It is going to be SO tempting to be cooking the party food and not be able to eat any of it. It will be easy when I think about the cute lil elf outfit I'll get to wear next year, though! (actually, my goal is to get a Buddy the Elf costume for next year!). My dad just informed me that my grandma wants to have us up for an early Christmas dinner on the 18th - 3 days before surgery. I haven't told her about the surgery. She's the queen of backhanded compliments (You'd be so pretty if you weren't so heavy. You won't get married looking like you do). I don't know that I want to tell her about the surgery, but at the same time, I won't be eating. Part of me wants to lie to her and tell her I'm ill. Parents won't go for that, though. We're having the early Christmas because she's going away for Christmas. Yep, just moved up here but is going away for Christmas so she doesn't have to buy anyone anything. ;) (I kid when I say that in the jist that she really IS doing that, but it doesn't bother me that she doesn't buy us presents because we're adults now. I just really find it funny). 

Here's what I'm struggling with now, though. I have very few super close friends. One of them is my gym buddy, and she is very supportive. I in turn am super supportive of how AWESOME a job she is doing losing weight through diet and exercise. She is my inspiration. My best friend from high school is stationed in Hawaii (Navy). She's known me since we were 8 years old, so she's seen me struggle with my weight for over 20 years. This isn't the type of thing I want to tell her in an email, though, but it looks like I'll have to. My other "best" friend lives about 2 hours away. He and I are thick as thieves, despite knowing each other for about 5 years. Never romantic, just a good old fashioned platonic relationship. We have been through a lot together - but not really emotional type things like this. We email or talk at least once a week, and I kept him updated with my health through the summer...including trying not to cry when I told him I might not be able to have kids. I don't even know if I want kids, but the option should be mine, not my body's. It was probably one of the deepest conversations we've had. We'd been more or less drinking and football buddies, but we'd talk a lot more than just that. He's not a big believer in medicine, so I don't know how he'll react when I tell him "hey I had 80% of my stomach removed." It is my decision...I'm hoping he'll support me. He's known how much I struggle with my weight. I'm more nervous about telling him than anyone else....and when I talked to my gym buddy today, she said, "So why do you have to tell him?" I feel this is something I should, because I've kept him up to date on my whole health thing this summer....and the next time I see him, if I've dropped a lot of weight, I don't want to lie to him. And I don't want him to think I don't trust him...just nerve wracking. 

This is getting long and I'm getting sleepy. Still need to pack lunch for tomorrow. 

12/21/11! As long as they get the insurance approval straightened out that I'm getting VSG and not RnY, I should be good to go! Will write more tonight. Bonus: I lost 7 lbs according to his scale from 6 weeks ago. PHEW.  

Well, here I am, 14 hours before the second consult with the surgeon. I know I shouldn't have done it, but I got on the scale this morning. I'm 2 lbs above where I was 6 weeks ago. :( I know in part it's probably due to my TOM ending, but with going to the gym 3 days week/avg (I haven't hit that 4th time... with after school commitments and weekend plans, I have missed the 4th day the last 3 weeks, I need to get that resolved this week! I'm thinking Monday, Tuesday, Friday, Saturday this week...well, Friday or Sunday, depending on what happens with Black Friday shopping. I may need to sleep). 

I'm nervous. I'm a glass half empty personality. I'm terrified the surgeon is going to tell me that because I haven't lost weight with the diet and exercise, I can't have the surgery. I have not been super duper strict with the diet. I know that much. I've cut way back on the carbs and upped the protein, but tracking is still new to me. The strange thing is, the scale didn't reflect it but I *FEEL* lighter... not significantly, but my clothes are fitting just a wee bit better in the legs and shoulders. I should have taken measurements 6 weeks ago. I now own 2 pairs of pants that I still need to unbutton to slide off. Every other pair just slides right on or off. So we'll see tomorrow. Dad's going with me. I hope it's not like the seminar last month where he just took over and asked 900 questions. I feel like I've explained everything he asked at that meeting a billion times, but I swear sometimes... it's just to hear his own voice. 

I haven't eaten much today at all. I'm on MFP trying to figure out where "spinach meat pie" would be. It's a Lebanese thing. Glad there was only half of it, it was super filling though. No need for a snack tonight. Between the omelet for breakfast, ham wrapped around a piece of mozzarella for lunch, and the meat pie... I'm hoping I broke 1000 calories. I'll be sucking down water tonight...that meat pie was a little salty. 

I hope I have good news to post here tomorrow. I go into work for 12:15, have a meeting at 12:30, going to the gym after work, then home.