Part 2...

Jan 21, 2010

To add further frustration to the story I have this overwhelming feeling of having traded in my michelin man for the saggy baggy elephant. The person in the mirror looking back at me is a stranger, and while part of me is looking forward to getting to know her, a part of me sometimes feels like I'm floating in an abyss of solid frustration. I had made some pretty big plans for my homecoming and future plans and now I may not be able to drive a car again -- which sounds petty -- but since it had been several years since I could fit behind the wheel it was pretty high on my list.  I envisioned having the freedom to now walk to the library and such finally being healthy, but now because of this damned nerve damage it's always a worry that  I might fall.  Hubby is a worry wart sometimes -- but I appreciate that he's the one that watched me while I lay in a coma not knowing if I'd live or die but that feeling of being babysat grates on my nerves sometimes.  

Don't get me wrong, things are better for the most part -- I'm smaller, healthier, and will be here a long long time for having done this,  but I wouldn't be human if I wasn't looking at what I had and trying to figure out how to make the most of it.  I'm still working on that part of it.  Waiting is the hard part -- at least if I can have the consults and they can explain to me the procedures and plan I can relax a little..  

I'm working on my "me" list lately, doing some more writing -- even submitting some for publication!! Looking at some courses, and plotting for the future.  I've spent way too many years being sucked into the drama of everybody else in the family and everyone's needs so now I'm mandating that there's a little of me thrown back into the mix - I've been taking me out of it for so long if almost feels wrong to toss me back into the soup pot -- I'm finding though that giving myself the gift of some me time, and putting my well being higher on the list is making a difference.  At least on the crappy days -- teen attitude among other things I can still smile knowing I have created a "happy place" for me to wander too to escape for a little bit at a time.. 

So how are all of you doing? It's been ages since my last update.  For those of you that were text messaging me -- I finally replaced my cell just before Christmas, got a shiny new blackberry -- I wanted a different phone but hubby made a solid argument in favor of the BB so we went with it.  Unfortunately I lost all my contact information in the cell that got broken while I was in hospital so I'll need to get updated #'s again. 

I haven't been here for a while, and I apologize for that.  I had a couple of people that I thought were my friends here literally stop speaking to me when they heard how much weight I'd lost and that still baffles me -- we're not all on the same path -- we all started at different places and we're gonna end up in different places.  I thought it was supporting each other but perhaps I was mistaken.  I started out so much heavier than some, it only makes sense that I would drop more.  Let's not forget I ended up in bed, on TPN and liquid feeds for months and in hospital for over 11 months keeping my lymphedema legs elevated and all that played a factor too.  In order to get where i am I was in HELL..   so now I have to feel bad for where  I got to?  Uh-UH, sorry.. no can do.  I am so sorry that you cannot be happy for me as I have been for you.  This was supposed to be a journey in friendship, not a crapfest in jealousy.  I wish you well in your future endeavors friends  -    so sorry that it didn't work out differently.  

For those of you who have kept in touch, and continue to keep up when I actually do get in here. THank you!  There's still so much about this lifestyle change and this journey that I have yet to learn and I am truly looking forward to getting to know you better in the process.  

Cheers!

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