Megan K.

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 I was reading a woman’s blog on here last night and it really touched me. She really got into explaining the reasons why she thought she was fat her whole life. Oddly enough, even my saying the word “fat” has me uncomfortable let alone actually writing it all out for the world (or at least the OH site world) to see. But, shouldn’t we all strive to be a little uncomfortable once in awhile? Isn’t that the whole meaning behind taking someone out of their comfort zone?

It wasn’t like she was particularly blaming anyone from her childhood for her weight, it was more of a matter-of-fact explanation as to why she thinks she became what she is today. This is another interesting fact of fat or obese people, we think that being fat or obese is what we are, it’s not just a part of us. It’s like saying someone is tall or short and that their entire being is made up of height.

I feel the same way, I won’t deny it. I have spent 33 of my 38 yrs thinking about my weight. Probably when I was very young it wasn’t an all-consuming thought but it soon became one. Every day was about how I wanted to lose weight. I mean every day. I ate for many different reasons. I’m an emotional eater. I don’t just eat when I’m sad or down or stressed. I eat when I’m happy too. Think about it, our society celebrates everything with food. Have you been to a party that didn’t have food? Have you been to any kind of social gathering where they didn’t serve some type of food? Doubtful. We celebrate life events by going out to eat. We use it as a reward when someone has done well. We feel as though we “deserve” it. “I earned it!” I’ve heard myself say. “Let’s go out to celebrate!” and “Where do you want to eat tonight? It’s Friday.” Yes, I’ve said it all. 

I was laying in bed this morning thinking about some of these things. One thing that popped into my head was being around 10 yrs old and a friend of my mom’s was babysitting me at her house. I remember sitting in her living room and while she was in the kitchen I noticed a candy dish filled with jellybeans on her coffee table. I remember grabbing a bunch of the black ones (licorice was actually my least favorite flavor) and stuffing them in my mouth, hoping she wouldn’t notice since there were a lot more black ones than any other color. I remember feeling a comfort and a kind of excitement from that. Of course there was a little stress from the fact that the babysitter might see that I took a handful of her candy but the instant comfort outweighed the thought that I might get caught. Of course, I got caught. I can’t remember what initially gave me away but she asked me to open my mouth and I thought I had gotten away with it until she asked me to stick out my tongue. My tongue was completely black from the licorice. The next thing I remember about that day was having a severe headache. I’m not sure why I had it. Maybe it was the jellybeans or maybe the stress of being upset and feeling bad. Who knows? I do know that that was a small incident in a life-long obsession with food, eating and wanting to lose weight.

As I look back over my childhood I don’t think I was picked on about my weight too much. Sure, there were comments here and there but I don’t think there was anything major. If there was, I’ve blocked it out which is probably a good thing. What I do remember was always feeling like I was fat and wanting to look like the popular girls, all thin, happy and with boyfriends. Along with that, I always longed to go clothes shopping with any of them or hang out after school at one of their houses or maybe even sleep over on the weekends. I wanted it all and felt like I deserved it. I still think I did but I always try to keep it in my mind that we don’t live in a society that readily (if at all) allows that. 

I’m sure there is a lot more that I could say about all of this but I would just go on for days about the same thing - my weight. It’s ALWAYS been an issue and I would absolutely love for it not to be. Will there ever be a time when I don’t think about it many times/day? No. Will there be a time when I can walk by a mirror and like what I see? Yes. That is the point I want to get to, to like what I see and to know that I’ve done what I can and will continue to do what I can to be healthy. I have a mother who is 68 yrs old with Diabetes, heart disease, vascular disease, high blood pressure, a history of heart attacks (she had the first one at 46), strokes, 4 toes removed, neuropathy, arthritis in her back, many laser surgeries for her eyes, low blood sugar crashes and more and more things that have all been affected and/or caused by her weight. She also has a history of smoking which she stopped when she had her first heart attack but it still affects her to this day.

I DON’T WANT TO END UP LIKE HER!!!!

I won’t end up like her. I’m taking the steps now at 38 to be the best and healthiest person I can be. I know it won’t be easy. I know it will take every bit of strength of body and mind I can muster. There will be good days and there will be bad days but the best thing to do is cherish the good days and on the bad ones, pick myself up, dust myself off and work on finishing the day on a high note. Oh yeah, by the way, this year to come is going to be about me. I’ve declared it in therapy, I’ve declared it to friends and I’ve declared it to my husband who after 6 short weeks of marriage in January 2010 decided it would be a good idea to start texting a woman behind my back who he was attracted to. This went on for 10 months until I caught him less than 2 months ago by checking his cell phone. He says he stopped contacting her and I’m trying to believe him but as we work on “us”, my main goal is to work on ME. 

Don’t ever give up on you! Even if all seems sad and bleak, get some help, talk to someone and take care of you. You are your best asset. Never, ever forget that.

Ok, things are better tonight than this morning. I forgot to mention this morning that I joined a local YMCA this past weekend with my DH. We made it over there tonight and walked about a mile. I really enjoyed it, especially the indoor track. It's nice because with our membership we have a few different locations in the area to choose from. The newer one is the one we went to tonight and it's really nice. The older one has less frills so that works for us too.

I weighed myself at the gym tonight and I hadn't gained anything from the weekend which is great because if you read my last post, you'll see I was pretty careless this weekend eating-wise. I know, I know, I shouldn't beat myself up but I've been doing well so it's hard not to. I'm going to just be happy and not worry so much. My DH lost 16 lbs in the last couple of months so that was a nice surprise for him too.

I think that's it for me tonight. I hope everyone has a good night! 

It's getting closer to seminar day on 12/8. I'm getting a little nervous but I'm not sure why. I mean, I know this is a big thing but it's not like I'm having surgery on Wednesday. I still need to do a whole lot before that may be even a possibility.

I had a rough weekend eating-wise. I know all too well that that happens but it's hard not to beat myself up a little bit for it since I've been doing so well. It started Friday night and went into Saturday. Even though I ran around like crazy shopping on Saturday, it wasn't enough of an excuse to not be as careful as usual. It then hit big time on Sunday. I wanted to eat everything! and I mean everything! I couldn't get enough. I just ate way more than I usually do now and I had a hard time sleeping from heartburn which I knew would happen. I feel a little better today, just tired. I'm having a hard time staying awake here at work. I think some of it is because it's warm in here but the rest is from this weekend. I feel the way I did over a month ago. No energy and ready to fall asleep. Hopefully I didn't gain a lot of weight back this weekend. I don't usually weigh myself more than once/week since the scale is here at work.

Well, I think it's time for some coffee because this certainly can't go on and it's way too cold to walk outside. It was 23 degrees last I looked. Brrrrr! 

I changed PCP's this week but wasn't able to see the dr until Feb 2011 so I got in to see his PA earlier this week. She was truly great. She was actually interested in what I was saying and was extremely thorough. I've just never had a really good experience with someone in the medical profession and this was *hopefully* the start of a lot more to come.

My main reason for going to the appt was to get a letter of medical necessity which I need to bring to the seminar on 12/8. I had done some reading on this site about how it's a good idea to bring something with you to your dr when requesting the letter because he or she may not be educated in bariatric surgery. So, I found a template I could use. I re-wrote it to fit my needs and away I went. I was armed. I also brought an example letter he could write for me but lo and behold, the PA left the room and a few minutes later came back and said she would be happy to write the letter and would have it for me to pick up the next morning. Yay! BTW, the letter was great and I am very happy that this is one of the first steps toward my goal.

I also spoke to 2 people this week who had RNY. One had it in 9/10 (yes, 2 months ago) and the other was in 1/09. Both women were great resources and both coincidentally had their surgery done by the same surgeon which also happens to be the one I am hoping to have mine done by. Yes, we all live in the same area but there are other options than just him and it's (in my opinion) a good sign that both women had very good experiences with him.

I've pretty much decided on RNY and not the Realize Band. The maintenance for the band isn't something I want to do.

I'm still trying to lose weight and it really hasn't been a struggle as it always has been. I credit my new rx of Cymbalta for this. There has to be some type of appetite suppressant in this stuff because I've really been less hungry in the month I've been on it. I was on Zoloft for 9 years before that and I always had a rough time trying to stay away from food. I hope this will last awhile.

Time for some sleep. Have a great night everyone!

Well, here I am, blogging about my weight. I've never done that before but hey, I've never done what I'm seeking out to do before either, which is weight loss surgery. There's a first for everything.

Where do I begin? I'm 38. I've been overweight my whole life. Not like I am now but always had around 30 extra pounds on me until I got engaged to my first husband. That was when I hit 200 lbs. That was 1992 when I was 20.

By 1999 I had ballooned up to 300 lbs. How did I do it? I love to eat, plain and simple. Food is also my go-to buddy for all things emotional. Happy, sad, glad, stressed, you name it, food was there. That combined with little to no exercise got me to that point.

After 10 years of being together and 5 years of marriage, in 2002 my ex-husband and I split. I spent the next 4 years living with my mother (not a great idea) and yo-yo'ing in the weight dept.

In 8/05 I decided to train for my first long-distance bicycle ride which I would start on 9/1/05 (the ride was 8/06). I have a tendency to bite off more than I can chew which in this instance ended up being a great idea but I wouldn't recommend a 565 mile bike ride to be your first. Ok, I did train a year for it. I started at 272 lbs and got to 222 one year later when I did the ride. I was extremely proud of myself and look back at the whole experience as a positive one. I biked 242 miles of the 565 that week which included 112 miles the first day. The longest ride I had done at home while training before that was 60 miles in one day.

So, there I was, feeling better in general but not enough to keep the weight off. I got back from the ride and went through some strange withdrawals. Not food-wise but focus-wise. For 1 year my entire focus was on training for this week-long ride. I got back and there was nothing more to train for. Of course that wasn't true but that's how I felt at the time.

Slowly but surely I started gaining weight back and didn't get any exercise. I met my new husband in 1/07. Yet, here I am, 4 years later and I weigh 286. I have been working on losing weight for about a month now. I was lucky in a sense because it was easier to start at that point because I had my last 2 wisdom teeth pulled and couldn't eat much for a week or so. Because of that, I didn't really notice the carb withdrawals I usually have to deal with when I started cutting back my beloved bread and chips. I'm happy to say I've lost 16 lbs so far.

I am on this site because I want to have weight loss surgery. I'm not sure which one yet but it's between Realize Band and RNY. Thankfully my insurance covers the surgery and I have contacted them and started going to a nutritionist (I need to be on a supervised diet for 6 months prior to the surgery.) to be started on a diet. I don't have to be on a specific one or lose a specific amount of weight but I'm glad I am going. I've only been once so far but it's all part of the journey to the new me, right?

On 12/8/10 I have a seminar to go to at the hospital I have chosen for the surgery so I can learn more about the options available. The following week I have another appointment with the nutriotionist. Hopefully things will proceed nicely without a lot of hiccups.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and thanks for reading!

~ Megan