MelodyMay

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I swear, I have talked about my surgery so much, I am sick of the sound of my own voice. My every thought is surgery, almost every conversation is surgery. The diet, the workout plan, the recovery, the pain, the new body, the new face, the Hospital stay, is my chin gonna sag?, am I actually doing this?, is it too extreme?, for the rest of my life?, over and over and over again in a loop non-stop. 

Maybe because it's less than 2 weeks away. Maybe it's the fact that my weight loss has stalled for over a week now. I don't know exactly why my brain won't shut off but I pray it will. I'm sick to my stomach with all the thoughts and questions. Literally nauseous all the time. 

I just want this part over. 

Ever since my Surgeon told me that I need to lose more weight to guarentee he can do the RYN on me, I've stalled in my weight loss. I don't know what has happened. He told me to go to a 1200 cal a day diet (protein shakes for Breakfast and Lunch and a "Lean Cuisine" sized diiner) and I have tried hard to maintain that, but the scale isn't show it. I've stopped using any fruit that has a high sugar content for my shakes and I only eat low carb, low cal foods. (Pho, Chicken soup (no noodles or rice) oranges, bananas) and I am still the same weight I was last week. I know that I haven't been getting my 30 min of walking a day in, but shouldn't my diet be enough to drop a few pounds? 

I wish he had told me to lose weight sooner. All I was ever told was not to GAIN weight. Apparently, since I am round in the middle (like a man) he may have difficulty doing the RYN and it may become an Open surgery or I'll have to get the Sleeve instead. Part of me is scared that he KNOWS he can't do it and wants me to be prepared and the other part of me thinks that he is just giving me the worst case scenerio because he's had to switch it up mid surgery before. He said it's not common and unlikely, but I should be prepared in case it happens. 

I gotta admit, it took the wind out of my sails a bit. I was on this, losing a pound every day streak and I don't know what happened. I know I couldn't have plateaued yet. I am so big and have so much to lose, if I am trying and making the right decisions, the first 20-30lbs should melt off of me, so why aren't they?

I know that all I can do is take it 1 day at a time and try harder, but I am so tired. I feel like I have been living and breathing this all day, every day, for the past 7 months and to hear that I could mess it up by not losing weight makes me so frustrated. It's a daily struggle not to just throw my hands up and quit.

I won't but damn it...I want to sometimes...

So, I just got a call about my Nutrition class and my last follow up with my Surgeon before my Surgery on 3/1/16. Just calling to confirm your appointments, she said.  Am I the only ones who's heart stops when they see the Hospitals name pop up on your caller ID. I just knew something was wrong or that there was going to be a delay. I am stuck in this "waiting for the other shoe to drop" stage and I don't know how to shake myself from it. 

I can count on 1 hand the number of times something has actually worked out for me without complications or drawbacks. Everything I have ever tried to do or have has been a struggle and a fight. I had people sabatoging me, me sabatoging me and life generally just kicking my butt, so when something good is on the Horizon, I panic. I want this more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. I know that if I make it though this, my life is going to change for the better in so many ways. I know I will be successful with this surgery and my life as long as I survive. 

But what if I can't have it? If I do, what if I don't make it? Is it worth it to set myself up for disappointment or possible death?

I'm NOT cancelling anything, I just worry...my brain is racing. 

Is anyone else OBSESSED with these shows? I feel like they give me an inside peak into what my life could be like if I don't get the surgery and also show me what my life could be or feel like after I have lost all of this weight and am left looking like a melted crayon. LOL

I don't mean that in a negative way, but it's true. My mother lost over 100 lbs on her own, no surgery, and my older brother and sister both had the Lapband and my sister has lost over 200lbs. I have seen the extra skin up close and personal and I know how much they struggle with it. Well, my mother did more than my sister. My sister is happy to put on 2 pair of Spanx and strut her stuff but my mother only complained. She hated that the extra skin on her arms made her have to buy the next size up. She was never comfortable naked or even discussing her weight loss. I told my boyfriend that I don't care if I look like a mummy under my clothes, I will spanx and wrap ace bandages around my arms daily if need be..lol..

I honestly don't think it will matter too much for me. I am unhappy with how my body looks now and have been for 20 years. My boyfriend loves me more than anyone ever has and has assured me that he doesn't care about my skin, he cares about my health and being with him for 50 more years. I've made him watch the shows with me too so he can have a realistic expectation of what he is in for and he still just looks at me and says he fell in love with my heart and spirit, not my skin. Have I mentioned lately how lucky I am to have him? I really am.

Anyway, back to my point. These shows, though I feel they are somewhat staged, not only give us a view at what our bodies will look like but they also shed light on the emotional struggle that some of us will go thru. I feel like I am mentally ready for this journey. I have adjusted my lifestyle as much as possible and I feel like I have dealt with the personal demons that made me turn to food in the first place. I have eliminated all of my enablers and put everyone on notice that my life is about to change in ways that they might not fully understand, but they need to accept. I have cleaned out my cabinets and am in the process of cleaning out my closet. My mind is ready for this journey.

But I am sure every one of those people who appears on these shows thought they were mentally ready for it too. I just appreciate the fact that I have the opportunity to watch other people go thru what I am about to go thru. 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! 

March 1, 2016 is my new Birthday!

I am in the home stretch. I have completed all of the requirements to have my surgery except the final Nutrition class. I have been approved by the Insurance company and completed all of my lab work. Now, I wait for the scheduling office to contact me with my date. I was told my surgeon is currently scheduling appointment for early and mid March. That is so exciting for me. In less than 60 days, I will be having a life changing event happen and I feel like I have waited for this my entire life. 

Yes, I am nervous to have surgery. I have never even been admitted into a hospital before. I am scared of being put under and cut open but everytime I hear someone talk about their surgery, they all say it was worth it. That I won't remember much of the 1st day and the pain subsides around day 3 or 4. I can do that, I can have 96 hrs of pain to have the rest of my life be healthy and all around better. 

Even though I know I can handle it, I am still worried. I know my family and loved will be there, cheering me on. I want to be strong, not only for myself, but for them too. I don't want them to worry about me making it thru the surgery or stressed out because I am stressed out. This is a happy event for all of us. 

I hope to hear back from the scheduling department soon so I can finally know my 2nd Birthday. Plus, I have a collarbone that is dying to finally be seen!

Happy Friday!

I just can't seem to get back on track with my exercise. I have no excuse. I know what I need to be doing and I'm just not. I always find an excuse or a distraction. I still log my food and water intake and weight myself daily. I turn down the ice cream and the snacks but I haven't seriously started the new exercise routine. After gaining back 15 lbs of what I had lost I got discouraged and unmotivated. I just want to maintain until my surgery next year because beating myself up over not losing enough or fast enough is breaking my spirit.

I am still pre-op so I am not expecting to lose that much weight. Doesn't mean I am not thrilled that I have lost 15.7 lbs since 9/24/15. My personal goal was to lose 30 lbs by 1/4/16 (when I submit info to insurance for approval) and knowing I am 1/2 way there is just amazing! I'd rather be a head of the game BEFORE the holidays. 

My sister actually said she was starting to see a difference in my legs too. That felt amazing. Once I start to see it in my face I'll know I am making some real progress. 

I am so proud of myself. 

My Fitbit Charge got here yesterday and I can already tell this thing is going to run my life. I am in love.  It's tracks and monitors everything! I find myself checking in all the time.  How am I doing? How many steps have I taken in the last 10 minutes? And I love how it syncs up with my laptop and phone. There is no way I can NOT log everything I do. 

I didn't increase my activity at all yesterday, so I can accurately see where I am starting from. I submit the info to my insurance on 1/4/16 so I'm thinking of starting on 10/4/15 and seeing how much I can do in 90 days. My goal is 30 lbs. I think that is managable. Since I am bigger, the first 30/40 lbs should come off pretty quickly, as long as I cut out carbs, sugars and exercise daily.

This is it. This is the beginning of my life changing for the better. There is no going back. This was the 2nd to last piece in the puzzle. After my surgery, I will have every tool I need to get healthy and lose 200+ lbs. 

I can do this. I can't wait. 

And I couldn't be more excited.  I feel like I have hit another stepping stone in my weight loss journey. I can't wait to see how much this changes and affects my life. I have already downloaded the FitBit app so when it arrives I can sync it right up. I got the Charge HR because I heard so many great things about it and I need a watch type strap to avoid losing it. Last week I got my treadmill from my sisters house too so having both is really going to change my workout regimen (which at this point has been cleaning my house and dancing whenever I can) 

I have never been more excited to exercise in my entire life.