MiaR

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Well I made all of my apointments for all my pre-op stuff. In fact, I have them all scheduled by the first week in March. I've started my diet. I was so freakin hungry last night it was unreal, but I had some Boar's Head turkey and cheese as a snack and then felt too full. And so the cycle continues. I got my Unjury protein in yesterday and I love it! I ended up getting in less than 1000cal. before the turkey and cheese adventure.  Also got in some exercise. It wasn't anything to brag about, but it was something. The scale shows 3lbs down this morning but that could be a fluke. We shall see!! Point is, I'm gettin' it done! And that feels good.

I'm having a hard time getting motivated about my pre-op diet. I think I am waiting for my protein powder to come in the mail so I "CAN" start. That is so stupid I know. I don't know what my problem is. I should be ready to jump into this. It's what I've been waiting for. I think I am just having a hard time giving up the food. It has to go though. So tomorrow is another day and I'm on the wagon. 14lbs to get off. I can do this. I HAVE to do this.

Well my apointment with Dr. Gallus was awesome. I was so nervous but everyone in the office was incredible and really tried to put me at ease. I have to lose 14lbs. and do all the "normal" pre-op stuff, but Doc. said that all should only take 4-6 weeks. Then they will get me in right after so we are looking at 8-10 weeks til surgery. I still can't believe it's happening. I'm getting a sleeve which I am really excited about! AND....to top it all off, hubby is on board. He even came to my apt. with me today. Things are rolling along!

So I thought I was really the only one who read blogs. It seems I am not alone! Thank you for the comments and encouragement those who have left me notes. It really means a lot to know that I am not going through this by myself. I use my blog as a lot of others do to release everything that is bottled up. You know, the stuff that you can't REALLY share with those around you everyday.

I'm surrounded by thin people it seems. When I first found out I was coming to California I was really snobbish about it. I joked that God was taking me from the land of little people (japan) to the land of beautiful people. (california) I was beginning to think that it was all a joke on me actually. I spent three years in a place where I was the biggest person in the room. ALWAYS....it was not in my head. I honestly was THE biggest. That really does something to a person over time. It makes you feel.......well less.

Soon I will be LESS and that will make all the difference! For now, I think I'll work on the me that's inside. Cause' I think she need some healing.

For some reason I have been on this, "Let me just see if I can diet ONE more time" kick. As if it's worked in the past. So the closer it gets to my appointment with Dr. Gallus I feel this urge to diet. I got all of my weight watchers stuff back out and I started counting points, water, fruits and veggie servings and fiber. I started to kick my exercise into gear. (Which isn't so bad) I'm weighing everyday (with no change) and finally I think, "What the Heck am I doing?". This is the very behavior I'm trying to avoid. This is the very pattern I'm trying to break. I don't know why I feel like I HAVE to lose weight before this appointment. I mean it's not like the man doesn't know I'm fat. I just seem to lose it every now and then. Then I'm ok for a few days and I lose it again. This has been a very hard decision for me to make and the longer I wait to see the doc. the more I question myself. That will all be over tomorrow. I have about a million questions to ask him and I'm scared to death at this point, but I have a feeling it's all going to be ok. Somehow, I just know that it is.

I've been filling out all of my paperwork for my apt next week and I can't believe all the diets I have tried and failed. All the money I have wasted on personal trainers who insulted me and made fun of me. All the money I have wasted on books and fad diets. Diet center fees and special foods. I have been on a diet for as long as I remember and I am only 12lbs. below my highest weight. This has to stop. Now!

Well I have set a huge goal for myself. As soon as I set it I thought, "I must be out of my mind". I don't know, I just felt corageous enough to set it. 141 lbs. insane. Seemingly impossible. But, I suddenly have this hope inside of me that maybe, one day.....I'll get there. I want to run, and I don't know, hike. Sit in a booth at In and Out and not look like I am spilling out. I want to ice skate. I won't do it because I'm afraid I'll hurt myself because of my weight. I want to buy a pair of jeans from Americal Eagle. (And actually be able to wear them) For some reason, today I kind of feel like all of that may be possible. Am I nuts for dreaming so big so soon?

OK......head screwed back on straight. I layed of the internet last night so I could just relax. I tried not to even thing about surgery, weight, or anything having to do with this situation. I was able to sleep and clear my head. Regaining focus and getting it together today. I really want to try to stay possitive about everything. I don't really care what anyone else thinks. They don't have to live in this body of mine I do. So if this is what I need to do......well then that's it.

I spent more than 7 hours straight last night scouring the net for information about the different procedures. Initially I was looking into RNY but after much thought I'm looking more into VSG. I think the thought of having normal body functions post-op gave me a little comfort in my decision to have surgery at all.

I'm really wrestling with the feelings of failure. I know I shouldn't feel like this, but I just feel like maybe there is something wrong with me. How could I let myself get to this point? Why couldn't I just be more disciplined? Why don't I have will power? I can't even bring myself to tell people what I am contemplating for fear of judgment. I just can't do it alone. I've tried. I know failure! I just for once would like to sleep with a little success by my side. I just for once I want to be healthy. I'd rather cut out 85% of my stomach now, than die of heart failure not so far from now.

Well this is all new for me. I've had my first consult with my PCM and have an apt with the surgeon on Feb 4th. I'm very nervous as I don't know what to expect. I've been researching for the past 7 hours straight so I think I'll take a break from that. I'm excited though. For the first time in a long time I feel hope. I've been praying for so long, begging the Lord to MAKE me thin. And for the first time I feel like I have some direction. So I'm excited. A little! I'm not sure how long the process is going to take but I hope it isn't going to drag on and on. I've been fat for so long I just want to get the show on the road. God's timing. That's what is important. It feels good to blog this out. I think I may keep at it!