mommy-mo-mo
Time to get real!!!!!
Jul 02, 2007
July 2, 2007 - I can't believe we are in July already.
I saw the post about the ON-TRACK TEAM, so I thought well hey, that would be a good place to post my short-term goals. Hopefully this will help someone who is going through the same things that I am going through knowing they are not alone.
On the post, they are running miles and I am just trying to get outside of my house.
So here is my post: I'm no where near where you guys are exercise wise, but can I put some other goals down that I need to stay on track that will better my self towards preparation for surgery????????
My goals for this week.
TUE: take my meds, fill out food log, make it out of the house to the cardiologist ON TIME.
WED: take my meds, fill out food log, make it out of the house to parents' house. COMMIT TO MY WORD.- NO FLAKING.
THU: take my meds, fill out food log, make it out of the house to Dr. appointment.
FRI: take my meds, fill out food log, make it out to parents' house. COMMIT TO MY WORD- NO FLAKING.
SAT: take my meds, fill out food log, go on date with hubby-again getting out of the house- okay no flaking. This will be hard, because of all the times I will be out of the house, I may not make it to this one. Better talk to hubby.
Do you guys sense a pattern here. I've created a safety net within my home. When I am out I am somewhat okay, but the getting ready to get out of the house, can be really hard for me.
SUN: take my meds, fill out food log, stay home (aaahhhhhh, sigh of relief), but be outside with kids-NO STAYING INSIDE HOUSE.
I know these may sound ridiculous to some, but this is where I am at right now. I am so ready for my life to change and begin to have fun and live life to the fullest. If I can commit to what I have posted this would be a really big deal to me.
Thanks for letting me share.
I saw the post about the ON-TRACK TEAM, so I thought well hey, that would be a good place to post my short-term goals. Hopefully this will help someone who is going through the same things that I am going through knowing they are not alone.
On the post, they are running miles and I am just trying to get outside of my house.
So here is my post: I'm no where near where you guys are exercise wise, but can I put some other goals down that I need to stay on track that will better my self towards preparation for surgery????????
My goals for this week.
TUE: take my meds, fill out food log, make it out of the house to the cardiologist ON TIME.
WED: take my meds, fill out food log, make it out of the house to parents' house. COMMIT TO MY WORD.- NO FLAKING.
THU: take my meds, fill out food log, make it out of the house to Dr. appointment.
FRI: take my meds, fill out food log, make it out to parents' house. COMMIT TO MY WORD- NO FLAKING.
SAT: take my meds, fill out food log, go on date with hubby-again getting out of the house- okay no flaking. This will be hard, because of all the times I will be out of the house, I may not make it to this one. Better talk to hubby.
Do you guys sense a pattern here. I've created a safety net within my home. When I am out I am somewhat okay, but the getting ready to get out of the house, can be really hard for me.
SUN: take my meds, fill out food log, stay home (aaahhhhhh, sigh of relief), but be outside with kids-NO STAYING INSIDE HOUSE.
I know these may sound ridiculous to some, but this is where I am at right now. I am so ready for my life to change and begin to have fun and live life to the fullest. If I can commit to what I have posted this would be a really big deal to me.
Thanks for letting me share.
Counselor Assessments- I WANT TO TALK.
Jul 02, 2007
July 2, 2007 -Okay so I went to the counselor today (2nd appointment with her). She is still doing assessing, which I know is good, but I'm ready to talk about stuff. Mainly grief and loss and how I am eating nonstop to deal with my grief and loss.
She wants me to fill out a food log for a week. That's good. So she can get a baseline of my eating habits. So we will see where this goes. I'm eager to start talking.
Next appointment is July 10. Hubby has been taking me, I've gotta get someone to watch the kids and start going by myself.
She wants me to fill out a food log for a week. That's good. So she can get a baseline of my eating habits. So we will see where this goes. I'm eager to start talking.
Next appointment is July 10. Hubby has been taking me, I've gotta get someone to watch the kids and start going by myself.
Can I Help Mommy Too?
Jun 25, 2007
June 25, 2007 - Went to my new counselor today. Love her. Very excited about her and looking forward to seeing her again.
My son asked DH, "Why is Mommy going to the doctor?" DH said to help make mommy better, "but it is going to take some time." My son thought about it and then he said, "Well, I want to help mommy feel better too?"
Oh that just melted my heart.
Thank you Lord for the gift that is my precious children!!!!
My son asked DH, "Why is Mommy going to the doctor?" DH said to help make mommy better, "but it is going to take some time." My son thought about it and then he said, "Well, I want to help mommy feel better too?"
Oh that just melted my heart.
Thank you Lord for the gift that is my precious children!!!!
THE DECISION TO HAVE WLS & HURT BY THE ONES WE LOVE MOST
Jun 23, 2007
June 22, 2007- I was talking with someone very close to me when out of the blue, she asked me a question, which put me on the defensive about the surgery. Any other time it would have been fine, but this time, just couldn't handle it.
I sent her an email and I think it was worded with compassion. I think it needed to be said regardless of what triggered it.
I just pray I did not lose my best friend over this surgery.
THE EMAIL: Xxx, first let me start out by telling you I love you. I know you love me and care about me and that is the reason for your questions about the surgery. I'm praying that you are reading this with the heart that it was written.
Okay with that being said, I need to tell you how I was a little hurt this morning.
Let me explain why: I was telling you about how my body has been reacting since my dad's death. I've been miserable with hives and with nausea and vomited the night my dad died. I've learned from the doctor that that was my body's way of dealing with my dad's death, because I don't necessarily cry everyday. But I do everyday have a lump in my throat and am so sad incredibly sad that he is gone. Father's day came and I will never get to spend another father's day again with my dad. So instead of bawling and getting it out that way, I'm nauseas, stomach hurts, and have hives.
What hurts is that as I'm sharing with you how I was mourning, you immediately cut me off and said, "if you're afraid of being nauseas, how will you handle it after the surgery." I don't remember the exact words. We weren't even talking about the surgery. We were talking about my struggles after my dad's death. That type of wording for that question to me says, "see this is gonna happen if you have the surgery and you're afraid of it so you better not have the surgery." It might not be what you mean, but that is how it comes off.
What you are doing is you are putting me on the defensive mode in answering your question. It does not appear to be a concern that you had been thinking about. You took something I said, tossed it back my way almost as if to say "if you can't do it now how can you think you will do it after surgery?" That to me feels like an attack and my answer comes out of defense for myself instead of your quest for knowledge about the surgery. Having to defend myself for having the surgery while I was talking to you about the effects of the stress of my dad's death was the last thing I was thinking about this morning. We weren't even talking about the surgery.
At least when I talk to you about the surgery, I am usually ready knowing that your style of questioning is such a way that my answer is defending my decision with you and I gladly will because I love you. That's why I said I did not want to discuss it with you (at this point, because you caught me off guard).
I need you to know I will have this surgery no matter what. There is not anything you can tell me that will keep me from having this surgery. You will never know what it is like to live my life right now and I would never want you to know. I have all the best circumstances surrounding me (well except for my dad, but that is also a part of life). I have a decent home, yes were in debt, but that's only until the kids start school and I will be working again only after the surgery because I sure would not go and look for a job looking the way I do now. I have a wonderful husband and wonderful children. I have so many interests that I don't do right now, but I foresee me doing, MOPS group, AXO alum group, my college sorority is now starting to plan get togethers this July which I will not attend because of the way I look., but know I will in the future, Mary Kay, CHURCH, my kid's school, finishing my master's, going back to work. There are so many things I want to do do but because of my damn mind with the depression and my damn body, I cannot live life. (sorry for the cursing).
How many people do you know have successfully lost 50 pounds and kept it off for years? (I'm being generous with 50, I'm really thinking even 30 pounds.) Anyone that you may know that has a weight problem, do they ever get to a point where they are happy and at peace with themselves.
I have 170 pounds to lose. I am 308 pounds. I can't walk. My body temperature is out of whack with hot and cold sweats. Pick the one thing you are self-conscious about that may bother you throughout the day. Which I don't see because you are beautiful, have long legs to die for, and have a sexy body, and great breasteses.. For me it is the very existence of myself in my own skin. That is why it is safer for me to stay at home no one can see me, where my kids are too young to know any different, and my husband for whatever reason God blinded his eyes and he still loves me. I'm to the point I'm not even comfortable at my own parent's house. I am actually miserable there. There are some days I just wish I could die. How sad is that. It's a struggle and painful to take a shower; it's a struggle and painful to cut my toenails. It's a struggle to clean myself after going to the bathroom. (sorry TMI). I can't even reach my back to get my bra on. I can't cross my legs.
I'm only sharing all this so that you can kind of get an idea of what life is like for me. You could try walking around with an extra 100 pounds of potatoes or laundry, or something creative. Things that we take for granted as a part of everyday living, I can still do, but is becoming harder and harder.
I hurt to the point where I can't walk, when I wake up, without support, used to be because of my back, now it is because of my heels. I have plantar fascitis and it is EXTREMELY PAINFUL in the morning. I have type II diabetes, I have hypertension, I have gastroesophageal reflux disease, and I have depression and back pain.
I know you've thought well why don't I just try to lose the weight. But really have you ever known anyone that had even more than 50 pounds to lose lose it successfully. I can name several examples of people in our lives that we both know: Aaaa, Bbbb, my Cccc ( she did lose weight through purging [bulemia] years ago and last year through starving[anorexia]. I think about Ddddd, and Eeeeee. I have one friend, Ffffff (don't know if you remember her from our wedding) She has always been somewhat like you in terms of size, normal size, but sometime after 2000 she had started gaining weight. She still looked good, but you could tell, and she could feel it. She went to weight watchers and lost her 20 to 40 pounds. (Don't remember how much.). Then last year, talked to her and she had started gaining the weight again.
So to say why don't I just lose the weight by exercise and diet, well I maybe statistically very low, I might, but for the past 42 years I have only gotten bigger and bigger. I remember one time while on Jenny Craig years before I met you, I had lost 40 pounds and I looked good. Obviously, it all came back on again and then some. That's what I see over and over and over again. I've seen this generationally in my life with my mother currently at her highest weight, her mother died at her highest weight, my bio father currently at his highest weight with quadruple bypass surgery, his mother and father, died at their highest weights, his brother, - all on my bio father's side all are morbidly obese, which is where I am at. My BMI is 51.3. A person may lose the weight, but it comes back on and even more and then what happens down the road at 60, 70. Gggg's mom is at her highest weight ever and she is morbidly obese. She did a diet last year. Dropped a lot of weight, now and gained it all back and more.
I took dance lessons and stopped because i was so embarrassed that I was breathing so heavy. I haven't been to dentist, gynie, or chiro, because I am so ashamed and afraid of breaking their chairs or tables. Craig never even carried me across the threshold when we got married. I was 208 pounds then and was too scared thinking what if he can't. I didn't even want to deal with the humiliation of him trying and not succeeding. I won't sit on his lap. At home, I won't step on the tile in front of the door, because the grout has crumbled and I felt the manager was alluding to the fact of the flexibility of the wood underneath and my weight. So needless to say I won't call him to come over to fix anything. I am ashamed to be out in front of my own house. I am so fearful to going to the bathroom at anyplace except for my own home because what if I break the toilet seat and I have done so at my sister-in-law's house. Talk about humiliating.
All of these are little things that a normal weight person would never even think of unless you are going through it. And most of these things a normal weight person takes for granted because there is no reason to think otherwise.
Now for me, time is of the essence, I don't have the time available to try to lose weight through diet and exercise alone, because I know I will gain it all back. I have two babies, I've missed out of living my life with them to the fullest. I don't want to miss out anymore. I want to take them to Disneyland, be able to walk around the park, and go on rides with my babies. I want to go with them to the park. Craig takes them . I want to sit on the floor and play with them and not be in excruciating pain. I want to instill good eating habits, which we try to do, but could be a lot better and they need to see it and learn it by MY example.
Having said all that, there a lot of things that could go wrong, I could be sick everyday. I could eat a piece too fast and it gets stuck. I could have a peach skin from Yoplait yogurt slip into my stomach and I would have to have it surgically removed. I could be miserable. I could not have the proper nutrients and feel week. There was even one woman who has not been able to eat meat for three years since she had the surgery and was losing too much weight. They finally figured it out. I'm saying all of this because none of the things that could and may happen as a result of the surgery will be any worse that what I am living with right now. Right now without the surgery the only other option that sounds better to me is death. (NOW I WILL NEVER COMMIT SUICIDE so please don't worry about that.)
So Xxxx, if you are concerned about something you heard or read, by all means ask me. I would love to answer questions from what I've learned and share the knowledge. But maybe you can think about how you are asking because in the past you have stated for example "well you can't be consistent with your meds, how are you going to be consistent with your vitamins that you will have to take everyday for the rest of your life." To me it sounded like you were saying "you were a failure at the other thing, what makes you thing you can be successful at this." Not a very positive attitude. I need to know that you are not going to throw back in my face something I've shared, like the meds thing for example. When you asked that, I was so under control of my meds and had been until my dad died. I am now back in control of my meds. When I had shared the med thing I think it had been a while back (I could be wrong), but it kind of makes me a little gun shy to share things with you for fear that you will bring them back to me in an attempt to do tough love.
I grew up with tough love from my dad. I kind of don't want tough love now. What I need is sincere concern and an attempt to understand. I definitely need tough love to get me to exercise and eat the right things, but there is a way to do. "C'mon Mo you need to get up and exercise. Put the video in now. I'm going to call you back in 30 mins. Consider this your kick in the butt." To me that is tough love. I need to know if I make a wrong food choice and become in totally in pain, that I can come to you as my friend and and you wouldn't say something negative like an "I told you so" but rather with you being a nutritionist, you could totally be a support in helping to remind me of how much protein I should be having, etc. If I come to you and say I'm feeling weak, you would not say something negative about the surgery, but would instead say something positive about perhaps I'm "not getting in enough protein. Let's see how much protein you've had. Okay, you need to go get a protein shake in. or I found a great protein bar at this store, or this store has really great and cheap vitamins. Here are some good sugar free syrups." Those examples are positive and helpful.
You have so much knowledge of unique and healthy foods and ways to make things tasty, and you've told them to me, but I really wasn't in a frame of mind to do anything about it. Now I will be forced to do just that because of the tool that God will be giving me. So now I'll be asking you about that yogurt you made, (which right now sounds like yuck.), but I will be forced to do sugar free, fat free, first three weeks liquids with 40 grams protein, next three weeks pureed with up to 57 grams protein. Then after that little bits of food totally relearning how to eat and what my little one oz pouch will like and dislike while still trying to get in eventually 57 grams of protein a day along with 64 ounces of fluid. I will have to learn how to read labels, which I still don't fully understand. I know you are already such a wealth of information and have so much you could teach me.
It will be hard. I will be mourning the death of my only friend that never questioned me, that always comforted me, that didn't judge me. I'm not saying you do this. But I will be mourning the loss of food. I will be rediscovering myself and finding new Mo that I have never known my whole life. I will also be mourning the only Mo I have ever know my whole life. So I will have tough times. I want to know that I can come to you for encouragement. And if I can't that's okay and I just need to know that too. You may feel against the surgery and if I complain, feel "well you put yourself in this situation." I would just need you to let me know that I should not share the problems of the surgery with you.
I hope and pray that I haven't offended you or hurt you in anyway. I know your heart is not to hurt me. Please know that I love you and I know you love me and that is why you care. I guess that maybe if you could just think about your questions about the surgery and the delivery of your questions. Normally, I could handle it, but this morning I was so caught off guard, because I was thinking about my dad and his death, when I felt interrupted and attacked about the surgery. Please know that I know this is not your heart, but I just needed you to know how it made me feel.
I pray you still love me. I love you.
Love,
Mo
I sent her an email and I think it was worded with compassion. I think it needed to be said regardless of what triggered it.
I just pray I did not lose my best friend over this surgery.
THE EMAIL: Xxx, first let me start out by telling you I love you. I know you love me and care about me and that is the reason for your questions about the surgery. I'm praying that you are reading this with the heart that it was written.
Okay with that being said, I need to tell you how I was a little hurt this morning.
Let me explain why: I was telling you about how my body has been reacting since my dad's death. I've been miserable with hives and with nausea and vomited the night my dad died. I've learned from the doctor that that was my body's way of dealing with my dad's death, because I don't necessarily cry everyday. But I do everyday have a lump in my throat and am so sad incredibly sad that he is gone. Father's day came and I will never get to spend another father's day again with my dad. So instead of bawling and getting it out that way, I'm nauseas, stomach hurts, and have hives.
What hurts is that as I'm sharing with you how I was mourning, you immediately cut me off and said, "if you're afraid of being nauseas, how will you handle it after the surgery." I don't remember the exact words. We weren't even talking about the surgery. We were talking about my struggles after my dad's death. That type of wording for that question to me says, "see this is gonna happen if you have the surgery and you're afraid of it so you better not have the surgery." It might not be what you mean, but that is how it comes off.
What you are doing is you are putting me on the defensive mode in answering your question. It does not appear to be a concern that you had been thinking about. You took something I said, tossed it back my way almost as if to say "if you can't do it now how can you think you will do it after surgery?" That to me feels like an attack and my answer comes out of defense for myself instead of your quest for knowledge about the surgery. Having to defend myself for having the surgery while I was talking to you about the effects of the stress of my dad's death was the last thing I was thinking about this morning. We weren't even talking about the surgery.
At least when I talk to you about the surgery, I am usually ready knowing that your style of questioning is such a way that my answer is defending my decision with you and I gladly will because I love you. That's why I said I did not want to discuss it with you (at this point, because you caught me off guard).
I need you to know I will have this surgery no matter what. There is not anything you can tell me that will keep me from having this surgery. You will never know what it is like to live my life right now and I would never want you to know. I have all the best circumstances surrounding me (well except for my dad, but that is also a part of life). I have a decent home, yes were in debt, but that's only until the kids start school and I will be working again only after the surgery because I sure would not go and look for a job looking the way I do now. I have a wonderful husband and wonderful children. I have so many interests that I don't do right now, but I foresee me doing, MOPS group, AXO alum group, my college sorority is now starting to plan get togethers this July which I will not attend because of the way I look., but know I will in the future, Mary Kay, CHURCH, my kid's school, finishing my master's, going back to work. There are so many things I want to do do but because of my damn mind with the depression and my damn body, I cannot live life. (sorry for the cursing).
How many people do you know have successfully lost 50 pounds and kept it off for years? (I'm being generous with 50, I'm really thinking even 30 pounds.) Anyone that you may know that has a weight problem, do they ever get to a point where they are happy and at peace with themselves.
I have 170 pounds to lose. I am 308 pounds. I can't walk. My body temperature is out of whack with hot and cold sweats. Pick the one thing you are self-conscious about that may bother you throughout the day. Which I don't see because you are beautiful, have long legs to die for, and have a sexy body, and great breasteses.. For me it is the very existence of myself in my own skin. That is why it is safer for me to stay at home no one can see me, where my kids are too young to know any different, and my husband for whatever reason God blinded his eyes and he still loves me. I'm to the point I'm not even comfortable at my own parent's house. I am actually miserable there. There are some days I just wish I could die. How sad is that. It's a struggle and painful to take a shower; it's a struggle and painful to cut my toenails. It's a struggle to clean myself after going to the bathroom. (sorry TMI). I can't even reach my back to get my bra on. I can't cross my legs.
I'm only sharing all this so that you can kind of get an idea of what life is like for me. You could try walking around with an extra 100 pounds of potatoes or laundry, or something creative. Things that we take for granted as a part of everyday living, I can still do, but is becoming harder and harder.
I hurt to the point where I can't walk, when I wake up, without support, used to be because of my back, now it is because of my heels. I have plantar fascitis and it is EXTREMELY PAINFUL in the morning. I have type II diabetes, I have hypertension, I have gastroesophageal reflux disease, and I have depression and back pain.
I know you've thought well why don't I just try to lose the weight. But really have you ever known anyone that had even more than 50 pounds to lose lose it successfully. I can name several examples of people in our lives that we both know: Aaaa, Bbbb, my Cccc ( she did lose weight through purging [bulemia] years ago and last year through starving[anorexia]. I think about Ddddd, and Eeeeee. I have one friend, Ffffff (don't know if you remember her from our wedding) She has always been somewhat like you in terms of size, normal size, but sometime after 2000 she had started gaining weight. She still looked good, but you could tell, and she could feel it. She went to weight watchers and lost her 20 to 40 pounds. (Don't remember how much.). Then last year, talked to her and she had started gaining the weight again.
So to say why don't I just lose the weight by exercise and diet, well I maybe statistically very low, I might, but for the past 42 years I have only gotten bigger and bigger. I remember one time while on Jenny Craig years before I met you, I had lost 40 pounds and I looked good. Obviously, it all came back on again and then some. That's what I see over and over and over again. I've seen this generationally in my life with my mother currently at her highest weight, her mother died at her highest weight, my bio father currently at his highest weight with quadruple bypass surgery, his mother and father, died at their highest weights, his brother, - all on my bio father's side all are morbidly obese, which is where I am at. My BMI is 51.3. A person may lose the weight, but it comes back on and even more and then what happens down the road at 60, 70. Gggg's mom is at her highest weight ever and she is morbidly obese. She did a diet last year. Dropped a lot of weight, now and gained it all back and more.
I took dance lessons and stopped because i was so embarrassed that I was breathing so heavy. I haven't been to dentist, gynie, or chiro, because I am so ashamed and afraid of breaking their chairs or tables. Craig never even carried me across the threshold when we got married. I was 208 pounds then and was too scared thinking what if he can't. I didn't even want to deal with the humiliation of him trying and not succeeding. I won't sit on his lap. At home, I won't step on the tile in front of the door, because the grout has crumbled and I felt the manager was alluding to the fact of the flexibility of the wood underneath and my weight. So needless to say I won't call him to come over to fix anything. I am ashamed to be out in front of my own house. I am so fearful to going to the bathroom at anyplace except for my own home because what if I break the toilet seat and I have done so at my sister-in-law's house. Talk about humiliating.
All of these are little things that a normal weight person would never even think of unless you are going through it. And most of these things a normal weight person takes for granted because there is no reason to think otherwise.
Now for me, time is of the essence, I don't have the time available to try to lose weight through diet and exercise alone, because I know I will gain it all back. I have two babies, I've missed out of living my life with them to the fullest. I don't want to miss out anymore. I want to take them to Disneyland, be able to walk around the park, and go on rides with my babies. I want to go with them to the park. Craig takes them . I want to sit on the floor and play with them and not be in excruciating pain. I want to instill good eating habits, which we try to do, but could be a lot better and they need to see it and learn it by MY example.
Having said all that, there a lot of things that could go wrong, I could be sick everyday. I could eat a piece too fast and it gets stuck. I could have a peach skin from Yoplait yogurt slip into my stomach and I would have to have it surgically removed. I could be miserable. I could not have the proper nutrients and feel week. There was even one woman who has not been able to eat meat for three years since she had the surgery and was losing too much weight. They finally figured it out. I'm saying all of this because none of the things that could and may happen as a result of the surgery will be any worse that what I am living with right now. Right now without the surgery the only other option that sounds better to me is death. (NOW I WILL NEVER COMMIT SUICIDE so please don't worry about that.)
So Xxxx, if you are concerned about something you heard or read, by all means ask me. I would love to answer questions from what I've learned and share the knowledge. But maybe you can think about how you are asking because in the past you have stated for example "well you can't be consistent with your meds, how are you going to be consistent with your vitamins that you will have to take everyday for the rest of your life." To me it sounded like you were saying "you were a failure at the other thing, what makes you thing you can be successful at this." Not a very positive attitude. I need to know that you are not going to throw back in my face something I've shared, like the meds thing for example. When you asked that, I was so under control of my meds and had been until my dad died. I am now back in control of my meds. When I had shared the med thing I think it had been a while back (I could be wrong), but it kind of makes me a little gun shy to share things with you for fear that you will bring them back to me in an attempt to do tough love.
I grew up with tough love from my dad. I kind of don't want tough love now. What I need is sincere concern and an attempt to understand. I definitely need tough love to get me to exercise and eat the right things, but there is a way to do. "C'mon Mo you need to get up and exercise. Put the video in now. I'm going to call you back in 30 mins. Consider this your kick in the butt." To me that is tough love. I need to know if I make a wrong food choice and become in totally in pain, that I can come to you as my friend and and you wouldn't say something negative like an "I told you so" but rather with you being a nutritionist, you could totally be a support in helping to remind me of how much protein I should be having, etc. If I come to you and say I'm feeling weak, you would not say something negative about the surgery, but would instead say something positive about perhaps I'm "not getting in enough protein. Let's see how much protein you've had. Okay, you need to go get a protein shake in. or I found a great protein bar at this store, or this store has really great and cheap vitamins. Here are some good sugar free syrups." Those examples are positive and helpful.
You have so much knowledge of unique and healthy foods and ways to make things tasty, and you've told them to me, but I really wasn't in a frame of mind to do anything about it. Now I will be forced to do just that because of the tool that God will be giving me. So now I'll be asking you about that yogurt you made, (which right now sounds like yuck.), but I will be forced to do sugar free, fat free, first three weeks liquids with 40 grams protein, next three weeks pureed with up to 57 grams protein. Then after that little bits of food totally relearning how to eat and what my little one oz pouch will like and dislike while still trying to get in eventually 57 grams of protein a day along with 64 ounces of fluid. I will have to learn how to read labels, which I still don't fully understand. I know you are already such a wealth of information and have so much you could teach me.
It will be hard. I will be mourning the death of my only friend that never questioned me, that always comforted me, that didn't judge me. I'm not saying you do this. But I will be mourning the loss of food. I will be rediscovering myself and finding new Mo that I have never known my whole life. I will also be mourning the only Mo I have ever know my whole life. So I will have tough times. I want to know that I can come to you for encouragement. And if I can't that's okay and I just need to know that too. You may feel against the surgery and if I complain, feel "well you put yourself in this situation." I would just need you to let me know that I should not share the problems of the surgery with you.
I hope and pray that I haven't offended you or hurt you in anyway. I know your heart is not to hurt me. Please know that I love you and I know you love me and that is why you care. I guess that maybe if you could just think about your questions about the surgery and the delivery of your questions. Normally, I could handle it, but this morning I was so caught off guard, because I was thinking about my dad and his death, when I felt interrupted and attacked about the surgery. Please know that I know this is not your heart, but I just needed you to know how it made me feel.
I pray you still love me. I love you.
Love,
Mo
ARE WE EVER AT PEACE WITH OURSELVES????
Jun 20, 2007
June 20, 2007 - I posted this topic wondering if anyone is ever at peace with themselves as this is something I struggle with.
Here is my post:
Reading the responses about Oprah, got me to thinkin' 
With Oprah (I like her by the way), she always has to make a point that she is losing weight without surgery through diet and exercise 
and blah, blah, blah. It's nice to have money. 
So she is in her 50s and I get the impression she has to kind of white knuckle it everyday meaning she has to work hard and keeping the weight off everyday. She hates exercising and when she is stressed out she begins to put weight on as she has so stated. So I could see her very easily at some point gaining all her weight back and more like she has done in the past.
Okay pertinent background info :"
: My grandmother died obese. She would always talk about wanting to lose weight and how she didn't like how she felt because of her weight. Even in her 70s she was not at peace with herself. Later we found out she used to take laxatives months even before her death to try to lose weight.
Then I see my mom who is absolutely beautiful and has put more weight on to be at her heaviest. She is 64. She struggles with her weight everyday and is not at peace with herself. I also see her best friend same thing who was opening up to me how miserable she is with her weight.
Okay don't leave me now, I'm almost done
So now I'm 42, the heaviest I've ever been 308 pounds. I remember thinking as a child, "I don't want to be in my 40s and 50s (because as a child that was old to me) still trying to lose weight. Now I think I don't want to be in my 60s and 70s trying to lose weight and not at peace with myself.
I was thinking that with the weight loss surgery the tool would be such that I will be at my ideal weight say by 3 years out and with the work of counseling and being at my ideal weight I will be at peace with myself. I will enjoy life, my kids my husband, etc...... Is that
?(I always wanted to use this smiley) That's not my question.
OKAY FINALLY THE QUESTION
: Does it get easier as you get further out when your are at or almost at your ideal weight? Does the way of eating become part of life? Or do you constantly have a battle with food and gaining and losing weight? I know we can stretch our pouches, but what will life be like when we are 70 years old. Will the way of eating become a way of life so that it is not such a focus as it is now? Phew that was long.
Thanks for sticking it out with me. I love my Cali friends. Thanks you guys.
Here is my post:
Reading the responses about Oprah, got me to thinkin' With Oprah (I like her by the way), she always has to make a point that she is losing weight without surgery through diet and exercise and blah, blah, blah. It's nice to have money. So she is in her 50s and I get the impression she has to kind of white knuckle it everyday meaning she has to work hard and keeping the weight off everyday. She hates exercising and when she is stressed out she begins to put weight on as she has so stated. So I could see her very easily at some point gaining all her weight back and more like she has done in the past. Okay pertinent background info :"
: My grandmother died obese. She would always talk about wanting to lose weight and how she didn't like how she felt because of her weight. Even in her 70s she was not at peace with herself. Later we found out she used to take laxatives months even before her death to try to lose weight. Then I see my mom who is absolutely beautiful and has put more weight on to be at her heaviest. She is 64. She struggles with her weight everyday and is not at peace with herself. I also see her best friend same thing who was opening up to me how miserable she is with her weight.
Okay don't leave me now, I'm almost done
So now I'm 42, the heaviest I've ever been 308 pounds. I remember thinking as a child, "I don't want to be in my 40s and 50s (because as a child that was old to me) still trying to lose weight. Now I think I don't want to be in my 60s and 70s trying to lose weight and not at peace with myself. I was thinking that with the weight loss surgery the tool would be such that I will be at my ideal weight say by 3 years out and with the work of counseling and being at my ideal weight I will be at peace with myself. I will enjoy life, my kids my husband, etc...... Is that
?(I always wanted to use this smiley) That's not my question.OKAY FINALLY THE QUESTION
: Does it get easier as you get further out when your are at or almost at your ideal weight? Does the way of eating become part of life? Or do you constantly have a battle with food and gaining and losing weight? I know we can stretch our pouches, but what will life be like when we are 70 years old. Will the way of eating become a way of life so that it is not such a focus as it is now? Phew that was long. Thanks for sticking it out with me. I love my Cali friends. Thanks you guys.
Expressions of Thanks
Jun 15, 2007
Regarding my father who passed away, I can't thank you all enough for all your kind words, thoughts, and prayers. Reading your responses to my post, or your comments on my surgery support page, or comments to my blogs helped me so much when I was feeling so alone. Hearing stories of some of you who have lost loved ones also helped me to feel not so alone.
To say thank you does not even express how I feel. I wanted to respond to each person individually, but I was not able to do so. I wanted to just be sure to put up this post and I hope those of you that had responded previously will read this and know my heart felt thank you and how much it meant to me.
My dad's services were absolutely beautiful in the Greek Orthodox Church and with a military tribute at the cemetery. Between the viewing, the funeral, and the reception at my parents' house, there were a total of 170 people who came to pay their respects to my 82-year-old dad. He was truly loved.
Again, thank you to my OH family for your support, encouragement, kind words and prayers to help me get through this absolutely hardest thing in my life I have ever had to go through.
God bless you all.
Feelings From the Heart About Support??????
Jun 14, 2007
June 15, 2007 - Someone posted how they felt they had no support from their family.
This was my response: This board is such a great OH family. They provide such wonderful support and all you have to do is ask. As for the mom thing, IMHO, if her responses hurt you emotionally then don't discuss it with her. The reason I say hurt is because, for me early on, I couldn't handle anything negative being said to me in a negative tone because I struggle with depression and I am extremely sensitive on top of the depression. If my family had concerns and they were expressed in a manner of concern, I would gladly answer questions, but if they wanted to just throw all the negative at me, (like "you're gonna have to take supplements for the rest of your life, if you couldn't lose weight before what makes you think you can do it now, you know you're gonna have your stomach stapled, etc...) I didn't want to hear it and I didn't and still don't talk about it to certain people. My family that I share with, they are supportive in the best way they no how. They let me talk to them about it, but they don't really respond with questions (as one does when they are really interested in something).
Now I am more confident in the fact that this is what I am going to do and I know it is a door that God opened for me. My mom is supportive and wants me to share with her. She doesn't say anything negative. When it comes to sharing OH and things about the surgery, I think it is hard for her to be as excited as the members of this board are because we know what it means as each hurdle is overcome. I only have two family members that are really excited for me. They both are sooooo excited and encourage me every step of the way.
There are still two people I will not discuss this journey with because they are so against it that they are not even willing to learn anything more than what they think they already know and when I try to share something with them, they don't respond or just say oh. I'm hurt by that (again, that stupid sensitivity thing), but I have bigger and more important things to deal with than the ignorance of those that don't want to share something such as this that will change our lives forever and for the better.
As far as the aftermath of the surgery. Everyone is so different. The one common thread that I keep seeing in majority of these posts is that no matter what they have to go through after the surgery, it does not compare to what they went through before the surgery and they would have the surgery again in a heartbeat.
Again, another long post of mine, but I hope it helps to put things into perspective and encourage you. Keep doing what you're doing. Don't lose sight of your goal. It takes strength and determination to keep going even after let downs and you have that. Keep doing that. You are doing great.
God bless you,
Monique
This was my response: This board is such a great OH family. They provide such wonderful support and all you have to do is ask. As for the mom thing, IMHO, if her responses hurt you emotionally then don't discuss it with her. The reason I say hurt is because, for me early on, I couldn't handle anything negative being said to me in a negative tone because I struggle with depression and I am extremely sensitive on top of the depression. If my family had concerns and they were expressed in a manner of concern, I would gladly answer questions, but if they wanted to just throw all the negative at me, (like "you're gonna have to take supplements for the rest of your life, if you couldn't lose weight before what makes you think you can do it now, you know you're gonna have your stomach stapled, etc...) I didn't want to hear it and I didn't and still don't talk about it to certain people. My family that I share with, they are supportive in the best way they no how. They let me talk to them about it, but they don't really respond with questions (as one does when they are really interested in something).
Now I am more confident in the fact that this is what I am going to do and I know it is a door that God opened for me. My mom is supportive and wants me to share with her. She doesn't say anything negative. When it comes to sharing OH and things about the surgery, I think it is hard for her to be as excited as the members of this board are because we know what it means as each hurdle is overcome. I only have two family members that are really excited for me. They both are sooooo excited and encourage me every step of the way.
There are still two people I will not discuss this journey with because they are so against it that they are not even willing to learn anything more than what they think they already know and when I try to share something with them, they don't respond or just say oh. I'm hurt by that (again, that stupid sensitivity thing), but I have bigger and more important things to deal with than the ignorance of those that don't want to share something such as this that will change our lives forever and for the better.
As far as the aftermath of the surgery. Everyone is so different. The one common thread that I keep seeing in majority of these posts is that no matter what they have to go through after the surgery, it does not compare to what they went through before the surgery and they would have the surgery again in a heartbeat.
Again, another long post of mine, but I hope it helps to put things into perspective and encourage you. Keep doing what you're doing. Don't lose sight of your goal. It takes strength and determination to keep going even after let downs and you have that. Keep doing that. You are doing great.
God bless you,
Monique
A Tribute to my Father
Jun 12, 2007
Sunday, June 10, 2007 - A tribute to Dad given by me at the viewing.
Many of you may know him as a friend or an uncle, but few get the honor of knowing him as a father.
As a father, he represented protection. There was never a moment growing up that I ever felt unsafe because "My daddy is the strongest man ever!" Now feeling safe didn't mean that I didn't feel fear because with dad we always knew there were consequences if we strayed from the straight and narrow.
As a father, my dad represented security. He loved my sister Lisa and me as if we were his own. When he married my mom, he married us. He lived his life always planning and preparing for the future because he never wanted to be a burdon to his children.
As a father, he represented bravery. Growing up we always felt a sense of pride because, my dad was a paratrooper in WWII. I was in awe of the fact that he jumped out of airplanes, to be shot at by enemy fire, during battle. To me, "My daddy is the bravest."
As a father, my dad represented strength. To me, "My daddy is the strongest man in the world." I could see the strength in his words, the strength of his conviction, and the strength of his love for his family. And as for his physical strength, if I may share a story: Every year we would go to chop down our Christmas tree. This particular year, my husband Craig was also going to chop down our tree along with my Dad. Craig got started sawing, then my dad got started sawing (and this was at age 79). My dad was so strong that with just a few strokes, he was almost done, while my husband was still just getting started. I said to my husband jokingly, "Hurry Craig, Dad's beating you."
Lastly, as father, my dad represented intelligence and wisdom. We always knew we could go to him for help with our homework. He was so smart that in my mind, he knew what any and every word meant. Whenever we asked him, "Daddy what does this word mean?" he would respond with "Go look it up in the dictionary." Whenever we would try to negotiate with what ifs, "What if I finish my chores early, can I go to the mall? or What if I don't go out tomorrow, can I stay out late?" He always responded with "What if a frog didn't have springs in his legs, he'd bust his butt." Needless to say, we grew up learning to make good choices, to be independent, and to be self-sufficient.
Now that I have children of my own, I see the importance of the qualities of this man, that he imparted to us that we now can teach to our children. The strength of his legacy is such that even in his absence his influence continues to grow in our lives.
I will always love you dad and you will truly be missed.
Your Daughter,
Monique
Why does it have to hurt so much?
Jun 06, 2007
Wednesday, June 6, 2007- My father passed away today at 9:30 p.m.
I am so in shock, numb, angry, sad, helpless, even though I know he is home with Jesus. Tuesday, it was decided that nothing more was to be done to him. He was ready to not suffer any more. Plans were made to get him home to be comfortable.
While waiting at the hospital to be transported he was alert enough to actually lift his head up to give my mom a kiss. He told me he loved me. We got him home about 3:30pm today. He could hardly talk, maybe he would say one or two words. He would usually ask for water, but this time knowing that he was home, he asked for Gin and Tonic and we gave him one, dipping a washcloth into his drink and letting him suck on the washcloth. He enjoyed that dipping three times. He knew all his family was there with him. We kept telling him we were all going to be fine and would take care of our mom, that she would be okay.
I don't think the morphine was strong enough because he was not supposed to feel anything. By 8:00 pm he was gripping the bedrails because he couldn't get a good breath. We were trying to get him a higher dosage of morphine. By 8:30 or 9:00 pm he got more morphine and at 9:30 pm he passed. He had been home for 6 hours. It happened so fast, 30 days from when we were blown away the news that he had cancer, neuroendocrine cancer (small cell).
He is at peace. He died peacefully and was ready to go. I got to be with him. My heart just aches at how much I love him and will miss him. My babies will never get to see their grandpa again. They shared such a special relationship with my dad and my dad loved them so much. My daddy will never get to see me skinny.
My heart aches for my mom. Their love and marriage is unlike any other love I've ever known before. It is so deep for one another. My mom is 64 and my dad is 82. Her heart is broken. The love of her life is gone. I feel so helpless. She was so strong for my dad. Now it's her time to mourn. She is breaking down like I have never seen her cry before. I just wish I could take that pain away from her.
She is finally asleep now. My two DSisters are here at my parent's house, my BIL, and my DH, and myself. Everyone is asleep. I can't sleep so I just had to share and ask for prayers and support, especially for my mom. You all have become such an important part of my life and I am beginning to make friends and it means so much to me. I just can't thank you enough.
Thanks for letting me pour my heart out to you.
Thank you Lord for bringing him to You so quickly.
-Monique
I am so in shock, numb, angry, sad, helpless, even though I know he is home with Jesus. Tuesday, it was decided that nothing more was to be done to him. He was ready to not suffer any more. Plans were made to get him home to be comfortable.
While waiting at the hospital to be transported he was alert enough to actually lift his head up to give my mom a kiss. He told me he loved me. We got him home about 3:30pm today. He could hardly talk, maybe he would say one or two words. He would usually ask for water, but this time knowing that he was home, he asked for Gin and Tonic and we gave him one, dipping a washcloth into his drink and letting him suck on the washcloth. He enjoyed that dipping three times. He knew all his family was there with him. We kept telling him we were all going to be fine and would take care of our mom, that she would be okay.
I don't think the morphine was strong enough because he was not supposed to feel anything. By 8:00 pm he was gripping the bedrails because he couldn't get a good breath. We were trying to get him a higher dosage of morphine. By 8:30 or 9:00 pm he got more morphine and at 9:30 pm he passed. He had been home for 6 hours. It happened so fast, 30 days from when we were blown away the news that he had cancer, neuroendocrine cancer (small cell).
He is at peace. He died peacefully and was ready to go. I got to be with him. My heart just aches at how much I love him and will miss him. My babies will never get to see their grandpa again. They shared such a special relationship with my dad and my dad loved them so much. My daddy will never get to see me skinny.
My heart aches for my mom. Their love and marriage is unlike any other love I've ever known before. It is so deep for one another. My mom is 64 and my dad is 82. Her heart is broken. The love of her life is gone. I feel so helpless. She was so strong for my dad. Now it's her time to mourn. She is breaking down like I have never seen her cry before. I just wish I could take that pain away from her.
She is finally asleep now. My two DSisters are here at my parent's house, my BIL, and my DH, and myself. Everyone is asleep. I can't sleep so I just had to share and ask for prayers and support, especially for my mom. You all have become such an important part of my life and I am beginning to make friends and it means so much to me. I just can't thank you enough.
Thanks for letting me pour my heart out to you.
Thank you Lord for bringing him to You so quickly.
-Monique
FOR HEALTH/FOR LOOKS????
May 27, 2007
May 27, 2007 - This was posted by someone and I thought it was a good question and gave me an opportunity to share my feelings.
Here is my response:
I have not had the surgery yet. Insurance approved, still waiting on date. I think for me if I really dig down deep, I kind a don't care about the health, I do care about the looks, but I know those will both get better just by losing the weight. I want to be healthy and look forward to getting compliments again and liking the way I look. I think the main reason was my quality of life. I live in pain everyday and I can't even get on the floor and play with my 2 and 3 year olds. I want to live life and do more for my children and my husband. I don't know if that is right or wrong or if I need counseling.
I was about 80 pounds overweight up until after my first child was born. So I have only been this obese, 170 pounds overweight packed on by depression, since the children were born (for three years). So prior to the children I would have never thought about WLS. The urgency for me is my children and I don't want anymore time to pass and me missing out on the best quality of life for me and thereby being a better mother to my children and a better wife to my husband. I think in turn that will help me to like me better.
Here is my response:
I have not had the surgery yet. Insurance approved, still waiting on date. I think for me if I really dig down deep, I kind a don't care about the health, I do care about the looks, but I know those will both get better just by losing the weight. I want to be healthy and look forward to getting compliments again and liking the way I look. I think the main reason was my quality of life. I live in pain everyday and I can't even get on the floor and play with my 2 and 3 year olds. I want to live life and do more for my children and my husband. I don't know if that is right or wrong or if I need counseling.
I was about 80 pounds overweight up until after my first child was born. So I have only been this obese, 170 pounds overweight packed on by depression, since the children were born (for three years). So prior to the children I would have never thought about WLS. The urgency for me is my children and I don't want anymore time to pass and me missing out on the best quality of life for me and thereby being a better mother to my children and a better wife to my husband. I think in turn that will help me to like me better.
About Me
Lakewood, CA
Location
41.9
BMI
Surgery
07/31/2007
Surgery Date
Surgeon
May 14, 2007
Member Since
