Nicole P.

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Today and yesterday were not my best days. I didn't sleep at all the night before last, and it really affected everything. Yesterday, I was so agitated and anxious. Everything seemed insurmountable, even the smallest things. Everyone I had contact with irritated me. Including Carlos. I hate to say that; he didn't do anything wrong, I just had no tolerence for anything. I felt hopeless and depressed again, and I almost regressed to where I was 4 weeks ago. That was a very bad place. I did sleep last night, and today I felt much better. I still felt more anxiety than I had been, and I kept flip-flopping between motivated and listless. Right now, it's listless. I almost didn't write this blog. But the blogging is so cathartic, and I really think it's one of the main reasons I am able to stay motivated. I literally had to pep talk myself into writing this. Yesterday, I did eat pretty good, and I got a little exercise. Through one of my mistakes I actually ended up creating something yummy. (Tuna with cottage cheese in it, instead of mayo or Greek yogurt.) But, I focused more on the mistake than the food I ate. Today, I felt a lot better but I ate badly. I craved chocolate, which I tried to fill with some chocolate soymilk, but I ended up eating a whole bunch of Hersey kisses. I'm trying not to beat myself up about it, but I feel really guilty. I just keep telling myself that tomorrow is a new day, and I can get back on track. I know I can, just right now I feel really tired. Maybe the missing sleep is still catching up, despite last night. I don't know. 

I really want tomorrow to be different. I plan on reading this blog again tomorrow morning just to recommit to letting the last two days go, and move forward. Hopefully, the light will be back.

N.

First off, once again, YAY me for updating my blog on time.

Today was a good and bad day for me. It snowed a ton last night, that was what we had to deal with today.

GOOD: Since Carlos is sick, I actively helped with plowing and shoveling the driveway.  I didn't really shovel, but I found out I am very skilled at the snowblower. I actually did most of the driveway, and it was really satistfying. (I know I use that word a lot, but for the last 3 monthes I have had very little satistfaction in my life.)  It was very hard work, and I was super cold and sweaty when I came in, but I liked it. What I didn't like I'll put in the BAD section. While we were outside, I also broke out of my shell and walked over and asked some strangers if we could borrow a shovel (we broke ours). This is a very big deal for me. I usually feel a lot of anxiety when talking to new people. But today, I just did it. I was really proud of myself. We figured that the intesity of pushing a snowblower for 2 hours, is equal to about 1 hr of brisk walking.

BAD: Well, of course the biggest BAD for today was that after snow-blowing, my back was killing me, It felt like my back was on fire and made of cement at the same time. I took some muscle relaxers afterwards and knocked out for like 3 hours. Since, NJ was in a state of emergency I also didn't get to go to the nutritionist, and I didn't get to send in really important papers (I am cutting it super close now). I also did not eat well at all today. But, today, instead of over eating, I severely underate. I went out to shovel without eating breakfast, and it took a lot longer than I imagined in would. I came in and had a yogurt and took my meds. Since my back was hurting so much, I just really wasn't up to cooking or preparing anything. I figured I'd just cook when I woke up. Of course, I over slept and when I woke up we had to rush to the pharmacy to get my prescription. So, we just left without me eating. Just our luck the pharmacy was closed and we had to go to Wal-Mart. Carlos was hungry and he wanted to stop for at Burger King for dinner. I remembered what i had written yesterday about sticking to my willpower, but I was a little hungry so I got a 4 piece chicken tender. They were horrible. Super salty, dry, and just tasted so artificial. I ate about 1.5 before I just threw them out. At Wal-Mart I started feeling very shaky and like I was going to pass out. Walking around felt surreal and dream-like. I ended up getting a 6" chicken breast from Subway, which isn't too bad, but without thinking I ordered Chipotle sauce on it. I had planned on getting a low-fat sauce and I just spaced. I'm really not that upset about it because I had eaten so little.

I understand that eating too little is not a good idea, since it can slow your metabolism. I really never felt super hungry today until we got to Wal-Mart. I think eating those tenders stimulated my system to be like "YO! That's all? Oh, hell no. I haven't complainted all day, but now that you've teased me with those horrible tenders, I am pissed. Get me food or suffer." Now, I've eaten my sandwich and taken my meds and I just don't feel very good. I messed up my schedule and my rhythms, and tomorrow I need to get back in the saddle.

Check in tomorrow and see how it goes.

Nighties!
Nicole

First off, YAY me for actually blogging at night and not forgetting.

Today was rather uneventful. I've been trying to nurse my hubby back to health, so we just stayed in and kept in quiet. I really focused on my eating today, specifically working on getting more protein and eating less fat. I actually came up with a really good recipe that was very satistfying. I made mashed pototoes and turkey breast for dinner, and I knew I couldn't have a lot of mashed potatoes, so I boosted them up (in taste and bulk) with some yummy sauted onions and mushrooms. It was very satistfying and I kind of felt like it was redemption for the pizza incident from yesterday. I had soup for lunch, and my normal scrambled eggs. Today was the first day that I can honestly say I ate every meal slowly and deliberately, and I was really proud of that.

Emotionally, today was a little bit similar to yesterday. I Skyped (for the first time) with my Grandpa and Grandma, and it was so nice to see there faces. I just wanted to reach through the screen and hug them. We didn't get to talk for long. I really do miss them. (I know that I said that  in the last blog, but you may as well get used to it. LOL.)

It's really snowing, and I am really not looking forward to the errands I have to run tomorrow. If Carlos is still under the weather, then I may have to do some shoveling of the walk. I also have a bunch of stuff to mail, and some shopping to do. It's weird, but I'm not as worried about the shoveling or the errands as I am about the temptation to eat fast food. I just have to keep reminding myself of my lack of self-control when it comes to eating out. Hopefully, by acknowledging the problem here, in print, I will be able to stick to my guns.

Well, this isn't a very exciting blog post, but it's cathartic to write about my day. I will be back tomorrow with another post, maybe more interesting, maybe not. You'll have to read and see!

N.

Yesterday, (Christmas Day) was a bundle of emotions for me. Carlos is really sick, and I hate seeing him so miserable. I tried my best to cater to what he needed, but somehow it never feels like enough. Carlos doesn't like being babied, but if I don't baby him, then I feel like I am not doing my "wifely" job. But, we did have some fun. We watched movies, played Gin (my new favorite game), and listened to old songs that we love. I also got to talk to my family, which was wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time. My family is so amazing, and even through the phone I can tell how much they love me. We discussed our gifts and what we did. I opened my presents from my Grandma while she listened on the phone. She knows me so well. But, on the other hand, it did make me sad because I am not there to celebrate with them, and I haven't seen them in over a year. It breaks my heart to think that in the 7 years I have lived in New Jersey, I have only visted my family 5 times. Less than once a year. I just worry I am missing so much.

Of course, since there were so many emotions yesterday, my eating was really not the best. I ended up eating an entire medium, thin crust veggie pizza from Dominos. I was really disgusted with myself, but I tried not to let on, cause I didn't want Carlos to worry. I felt like such a pig, and I was ashamed of myself for taking a step back. I didn't eat anything else for the rest of the day, and I ended up with a mondo headache at the end of the day. I also had nightmares all night about being barred from seeing my family because I was too fat to get on the plane. I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but it's hard not to feel disappointed when the step back I take is more like a leap. I mean, a whole pizza? It's embarrassing. Today, with a little more clarity, I realize now that it's a significant wake up call about eating out. I just can't control myself as well, when I am not preparing the meal. One, small bright spot yesterday, in regards to food, came when I discovered the deliciousness of apple flavored Crystal Light. It is so delicious, and I reccomend everyone go out today and get it. I see a lot more water consumption in my future!

Well, that is all for now. This was a very hard blog to write, and I need to relax a little. I do plan on blogging again tonight, if I get a chance. If not, I will of course post tomorrow.

Much Love,
N.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Yesterday turned out very different than I had expected. The Hubster and I had planned on going to his Aunt's house for Christmas Eve, since traditionally his family opens presents at midnight. Carlos had to work, so he didn't get home until around 9pm, and we had planned on going around 10 or 11. I got all beautified and was getting in the spirit by listening to Christmas music , but, when Carlos got home he looked like death warmed over. He told me he didn't feel well and he wanted to lay down for a bit, and go around Midnight. I got my make-up and hair all finished up in the meantime. The entire time I was finishing up, he was coughing up a storm. I went out to check on him, and he looked horrible. So, we decided to stay in so he could rest. I joked on Facebook that since I had already gotten ready my hubby was going to have a pretty good looking nurse to take care of him. It wasn't too bad staying in. Carlos mostly slept, once he got some meds into him. I hadn't eaten much during the day, in preperation for Christmas food, so I made myself some popcorn. We watched Family Guy and listened to some music then went to bed. (Well, I watched Family Guy, Carlos slept.) It sounds boring, but we are pretty low-key people, and I wasn't too bothered. It did make me a little sad that I didn't get to see my niece open her presents, or see Carlos' family for Christmas. But, I know if I was sick, Carlos would want to stay home and take care of me.

My food yesterday felt pretty good. I did eat a little fatty, but I was craving cheese. I didn't 100% give in to my craving by going and buying the Dill Havarti that I wanted. Instead I ate one of my little Laughing Cow Light swiss wedges. I had originally gotten them to put in my eggs, but it helped with my cheese craving. I drank a lot of tea yesterday too.

I did not exercise very much, but I did do some housework i had been meaning to get to. I also went through some papers that I need for insurance.

Always around this time I get very pensive; probably cause this is the time of year when I miss my family the most. I think about how it will be when we move back, and how different Christmas will be. I hope we can introduce my family to some of the tradtions that I have grown to love from Carlos' family. (And some of the food!) But, other than thinking about Christmas and Montana, I just get very thoughtful in general. Recently, I have been considering my future and what I want to do with my life. I love working with animals, but I wonder realistically how long I can be a technician. It's very physically and emotionally demanding. Being off from work has really made me realize how my job dominated my life. When I initally went on leave I sunk into a deep depression, because I felt incomplete without work. I realized I really had very little life other than work. I was defining myself by my job. I look back now on conversation with my Mom that were completely centered around my work. Many conversation where I had nothing else to talk about in my life other than work. That's kind of sad. I really do want to go back to work, but when I do, it's going to be different. I plan on making sure I maintain a full life outside of work, even if it means having to sacrafice at work a little. (I am not saying I would ever slack off when it comes to a patient or a client, but I won't neccesarily be so hyper-focused to every single aspect.) But, I ask myself, do I want to be a vet tech for the rest of my life? When we move to Montana I plan on persuing a job in the vet field, but it may be temporary. I have been toying with the idea of going back to school and getting either my teaching degree, or becoming a social worker. I've always had a special interest in children with special needs, and I think it would be very interesting to work in that field. Then, I worry that maybe those pursuits are just as life-consuming as vet tech. I don't know yet. It'sjust what I have been thinking about.

Well, reader, Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. Enjoy your celebrations, whatever they may be. Eat (healthy), drink (with moderation), and be merry.

With love,
N.

Well, I am a little late. I fell asleep last night, before I got a chance to blog. Yesterday was a good day. I feel I did a pretty good job eating, and I exercised.

As for the eating, I started off with some yummy scrambled eegs with leftover sausage, mushrooms, green peppers and onion. The sausage upped my fats a bit, but I needed to use it up. I did get lean turkey at the store for the next round of scrambled eggs. I had Tilapia for dinner, with mixed beans. The tilapia was phenomenal! I ate it really slowly, chewing it well, and it was so satistfying. The beans were good, but they get cold really fast, and I had to keep heating them up. Eventually, I just had to toss them cause they got all dehydrated and funky.  I had some pineapple crisps for lunch, which are my new favorite things! Dehydrated pineapple doesn't sound good, but it really is! I didn't get all my water in, but I drank more than I normally do. I got new coffee creamer, Peppermint Mocha, which is sooooo good. And I don't have to use very much of it, so I can still keep my calories down.

As for exercising... I had planned on my walk (gotta conquer that hill), but it was waaaay to cold. I got 1/2 block away and turned around because my ears and nose were frozen. I decided to do my Biggest Loser DVD. I did 5 mins of warm up, and 17 mins of low-impact cardio. I am a little disappointed at how out of shape I am, but I understand that I need to just keep at it and eventually I'll be able to. I plan on doing it again today. Although, it's going to be hard because my muscles are a little sore. 

Yesterday was also satistfying because we went shopping and I got lots of healthy food. It made me feel better since I won't have to eat junk or take-out. I also got a load of laundry done, which I am very proud of since it's very hard to carry the bag with my back. But I made it. I also made a friend at the laundromat; a little Cock-a-Poo named Missy. Her owners own the laundromat. I also had a conversation, in spanish, with the laundromat worker. I was very proud of myself.

All in all, it was a very good day.  I love the feeling of acomplishment I get when i meet my goals. It's motivation to try and make everyday like that. 

Since it's Christmas Eve, i may not get a chance to blog tonight. I am a little nervous about the delicious Peruvian banquet tonight, but I am trying to keep myself psyched up that I can do well. I will give my readers an update tomorrow.

Have a Merry Christmas everyone!

N. 

Today was not the best day. My cold caught up with me and knocked me on my butt. I just felt exausted all day. I had a lot of things I wanted to do, but I was tired so I took a nap. I slept right through my alarm, which is hard because it's loud. I woke up at 9 o'clock pm. Not good. I got nothing acomplished. I feel really terrible about not achieving my goals, and not eating properly. I had very good intentions with the eating, and I thought I had made pretty good choices, but when I entered my food into the food tracker, it all had a lot of fat in it. I feel a little discouraged today. But, I am an intellegent person, and I know that I can't take the food back. So, I feel I should learn form this.  I really need to go to the store and buy some healthy food. When there is healthy food in the house, I do eat it. But when there is no food, we eat out and I have a harder time making good choices. Eating out just doesn't agree with this life-style change. Lesson learned. And now that I have commited this revelation to blog form, I'll won't forget.

Yesterday, I got so many encouraging comments from my friends and family about my profile on OH, and it felt wonderful. I am glad people are supportive, and they want me to be healthy. It is very motivating. I don't want to let anyone down. Especially myself. I am finally doing this for myself and I feel really good. So long I have been sacrificing my own happiness and my own health for the sake of others. (That's not my tooting my own horn, just the reality of the situation.) I really feel like now is the time to do this for me.

Well, reader, I am still tired despite my nap. Time to lay back down. Hopefully, with this day of rest, I'll be able to kick some butt tomorrow, and get things done.

Have a good night, reader.

N.

So, today was a pretty good day. I feel like I ate pretty well. I could have done a better job at balancing my protein and carbs. I was a little bit carb heavy today. But, tomorrow is a new day. I really want to keep in a positive mind set. I set some goals today and i feel very proud that I completed them.

1) Do the Dishes.
2) Go for a walk.

Despite my extreme aversion to doing the dishes, and liking to walk, the walk was the hardest part of today. I think my dreams of a long walk were beyond my physical capabilities. I planned out a course to walk that included a hill. I picked a route that would put the hill directly in the middle of my walk. Like a build-up to the hill, and a cool down after. I had to stop several times on the hill, and my lungs felt like they were going to explode. Thank goodness I was listening to good music, and eventually I pushed through and made it. It was hard, but I'm glad I did it. I am going to set a goal that in the next 2 weeks I am able to do that hill without stopping. I'll have to walk everyday in order to do that.

I posted on the forums that I am looking for a workout buddy. I'm sure The Hubster will walk with me occasionally, but the walk today made me realize how much easier it would be if i had someone else. This whole day, learning to navigate this site, and chatting with a few people really makes me realize it'll be so much easier to do it with some support. Of course, The Hubster wants me to be healthy, and he is supportive, but he's not going through the process, and it's hard to understand what goes along with all of it.  With a workout buddy, I may be able to push myself harder.

Well, today was a rewarding day. I shared the start of this journey with my friends and family; I finally got around to doing the dishes; and I went for a walk.

Tomorrow I am going to go for a walk, eat with better ratios of carbs to protein, and try to do a load of laundry.

Thanks for reading, reader.
N.

So.... today is my first day as a member of OH. I am just starting on my WLS (weight-loss surgery) journey. I have been feeling some apprehension, and nerves about the whole process. I'm not worried about the actual surgery, more about the uncertainty of how life will be after surgery. I guess I need more information. Everytime I eat something I wonder, "can I have this after surgery?" I am hoping to meet some friends here, and gain a support system of people in the same boat as me. My husband, family and friends have been really enthusiastic about the surgery, but most of them don't really understand the process. My mom does, but she's so far away. Right now, I am in a frustrating place. I am trying to put the information I have into practice, but it's hard when there is still so much I don't know. 

My body is also very out of whack. My doctor adjusted my medications, and it's taking it's toll while I get used to them. I have finally had 2 nights of good sleep, which is a godsend. I feel much more optimistic when I have some good sleep to go on.

Hopefully, this journey will work out. I am looking forward to meeting the skinny woman inside me.