Math and Time make no sense anymore.

Dec 21, 2009

So I've lost about a normal sized 5'3" -5'4" person's worth of weight since my surgery. 131lbs. It's kind of staggering to think that that has all come off in only eight months. It's wonderous to think that if I could lose 10lbs a month for the next eight months I could be at goal in 16 months. Goal. I could potentially be someone this summer who has lost TWO HUNDRED PLUS pounds in a little over a year. A whole obese person worth of weight.

It's important for me to make these distinctions as I go. When I lost "two first graders" worth of weight and could fit my own first grader into my pre-op pants with me. When I had lost 100 lbs. When I had lost more than I had left to lose. These are important because coming to terms with the way I am changing physically is hard. Not hard like emotionally hard but conceptually hard, hard to recognize the change, hard to realize what has taken place.

I mean I'm not an idiot, my clothing size has gotten smaller, my computer chair appears to have gotten bigger, I take up less space, can hop up on the arm of the couch to hang up decorations, I can fit in the tub, I can get up and down off the floor and take the stairs. I KNOW I am changing. But you know it's been so quick, but also so long since I was 453lbs. That's practically a lifetime ago. I don't even remember EXACTLY what it felt like to move around being that big. I lived my life to the best of my ability and tried not to dwell on things I couldn't do. It's not like I made lists of ways in which life sucked at 453lbs. Especially considering I was one of the lucky few who aside from being fat, was perfectly healthy (yet).

I vacillitate between feeling like I've done great, so well, lost so much, look so normal, to feeling like 84lbs is still a lot to lose, that I'll never make it and that I'm still just a fat chick. I mean I just hit 249 this morning, and the last time I lost any weight was the fast slide to 250 and then stopped for a week. And it was only a week. The week before my period to be quite blunt. And yet it felt like FORRRREVER. It felt like every day I stepped on that scale and wanted to put it through a wall when I saw 253, or worse yet 258 at the end of the day. But it was JUST a week. Seven measly days. And it feels utterly ridiculous to have made such a big honkin' deal over it. 

The numbers are weird, they don't make proper sense, there's nothing to compare them to, everyone loses weight at a different pace, or has less or more to lose, some people have lost 111 pounds and are nearly to goal, others have goals set somewhere in the 300s because they are currently 600 pounds or more it's all so personal and individual. I have Estimated weight loss percentage, and I'm meeting those goals, but it's still not enough for my brain. It's not enough to help quantify and calculate properly the CHANGE relative the time it has taken. I don't know if the numbers are ever going to adequately tell the story.

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