NorCalCutie
It's been a while
Jan 31, 2011
It's been a while since I posted. Somewhat because I'd been feeling that I had it all under control but mostly because it's been a rough year.
I will remember 2010 as the absolute worst and one of best years of my life. Started the year out with Mom in the hospital having gone though open heart double valve replacement surgery. Recovery was rocky but after a number of weeks in the hospital and a few more in rehab she pretty much got to a bit above her baseline. We dodged that bullet, it was touch and go, but she made it out of the woods.
In April, I met a great guy named Dave and we fell for each other. He's sweet, supportive, responsible, sensible, easy on the eyes and thinks I'm one of the most beautiful and sexy ladies on the planet. Don't get me wrong, he nor our relationship is perfect by any means, but I do believe he is "The One" and our relationship is still going strong after a very difficult number of months.
The end of July was difficult for me. A much loved patient, one of the special ones, made the turn and was going towards end of life. This woman had touched me on so many levels. Caring, loving, genuinely interested, nurturing. An all around wonderful person. She and her entire family had captured my heart and the heart of the entire staff. Her passing away was a huge blow to me and my friends.
Dave was tremendously supportive during this time. I mean I couldn't have scripted it better.
In the beginning of August, Dave and I went to SoCal for the "meet the family visit". Dave had already met most of the family but had yet to meet my Ma and brother Del. I wasn't too worried about Ma liking him but I was very nervous about Delbie.
Delbie spent his whole life the only man surrounded by 4 doting women and he had had trouble in the past with men "sniffing around" his ladies. He had nearly gotten in a fist fight with one of my boyfriend because that bf had the nerve to defend me during one of his customary brow beatings. That paired with the fact that my family can be REALLY obnoxious when we all get together had me very nervous. I was worried that Dave would see me and my family and head runnin for the hills.
The visit went well. Delbie was guardedly polite. Dave and Delbie had a lot in common though I did see a bit of competitive talking but it seemed to be all right. Mom told me she liked him.
A few weeks later I got the call that would change my life. Mom had gone in the hospital for what we thought was her quarterly top off for her anemia but we quickly found out that wasn't the case.
She was transferred from AV hospital to Kaiser Sunset where they had done her open heart surgery. We found out that her mitral valve had failed, most likely from some infection that went undetected (Mom had recurrent UTIs). The roller coaster started.
During that week plus at Kaiser Sunset they offered a repeat open heart surgery but the way the surgeon presented it I could tell that he wanted us to decline. He have her a 50/50 chance of surviving. I asked the surgeon if her odds would be better if she were stronger nutritionally (she had lost over 100lbs in the year plus prior to this time) and physically and he us told that it could. As a family we opted to delay the surgery for a month to give us time to fatten her up and get her moving better.
Two days after going home we were back in AV hospitals ER. That morning, Mom was extremely short of breath and was on the fast track to respiratory failure. We called 911 and she was transported there. They were finally able to get her breathing under control with BIPAP and a little bit of morphine. During this admission the roller coaster got worse.
We were told that the Kaiser Sunset surgeon took surgery away as an option but then a second surgeon said that although surgery wasn't an option that she could have a number of months of good quality of life if we properly maintained her CHF (the effect of the heart valve failure).
The hospice team met with us. We didn't think that she'd make it home because she was so unstable respiratory wise. We got special permission for Katie, her 4 year old granddaughter, to visit her in the hospital for what we thought was the last time. We all had our conversations, said our good byes, told her we loved her and sat vigil.
They surprised us with discharge plans. We weren't prepared mentally or emotionally but took her home anyway. Once home she stabilized, we think because we were very strict with her fluid and sodium restriction. Fighting with her over water was heart wrenching. We found out that sneaky Grandma would send the 4 year old to the water dispenser for cups of water when no one was around. We laughed about it and corrected the situation. Mom was not pleased to have been found out.
Because of Mom's weakness, she required two of us to care for her around the clock. Jane, who was unemployed at the time, signed up and I was there for the first four weeks. Dave had come down for about 5 days during this time both to see me and to support me and was very helpful with Mom's care. He'd jump up at any moment to help me or Jane boost her in bed or get her up and out of it.
Mom really seemed to like him. She joked with him about how I had trained him up to be quite the nurses aid. One morning at about 6:30 I got up with Mom. I was sitting at the table with her drinking coffee while she picked at her breakfast. Dave came out and sat at the table with us. Mom looked at me and said "Lucy, you are a good kid". When I smiled and said thank you she looked at Dave, with a mischievous gleam in her eye and said "but you're better". We all laughed and smiled. Dave blushed but appeared to appreciate the comment.
It was very difficult time. Mom went on night shift hours. She would sleep a lot during the day and be up multiple times in the night asking to get out of bed. She would ring this damn bell that we all came to loathe. It was excruciating. We would argue with her about staying in bed because it was unsafe to leave her in a chair or on the edge of the bed because she was impulsive and weak. Mom tried everything from sweet talking us to being mean and nasty but for her safety we couldn't let her out during the night. We tried everything from giving her ativan and oral morphine before bed to sobbing and begging in the middle of the night but little helped. Trisha became known as the "Mom Whisperer" because she was the only one who could settle her down in the middle of the night. Our day time hours were zombie like for lack of sleep and gallons of coffee were consumed.
I only had 6 weeks available to me for the leave and given how stable she had become and the fact that she could last for months as she was, we, as a family opted to send me home until Mom needed a higher level of care.
Four or five weeks after arriving, I left the house at 3:30am to catch an early AM train to NorCal. I went in to see Mom before I left and as expected she was awake. We talked quietly. I told her how much I loved her, she told me that she really liked Dave, that she approved of him and that she loved me. She thanked me for all the help I had given. During our talk I stroked her hair. Right before I left, I kissed her on the forehead and told her I'd see her later. Leaving was very difficult. My gut told me I should stay but my head prevailed.
Jane was the primary care giver while Trisha and Delbie traded weeks off. The family kind of got into a groove. I would call daily to check on her and would try to talk with her but often, in her usual style, she'd turf me to another family member as quickly as possible. The family reported periods of confusion and some decreased urine output. Mom was seeing a man in the back yard looking in the window and a little girl in the room. We felt that our Dad was close and that perhaps the little girl was her sister who she lost to scarlet fever. Trisha's garden was in uncharacteristic splendor for the season.
Meanwhile, things in NorCal were spiraling out of control for me. The week before Mom got sick, I had approached my boss to tell her that I was willing to orient to lead nurse and she expressed doubt in my ability by saying that to be lead, I'd need to be more "diplomatic". I was shocked because that job had been offered to me years before and I had declined. I was perplexed by the change of heart especially since I had had no knowledge of "issues" with my attitude since the offer was made.
A week after this event with my boss, I had probably the worst shift of my career. We were dangerously understaffed and before going out of the report room we had already drafted an Assignment Under Protest, a union document putting the hospital on notice that we felt the situation was unsafe. The stress level in the report room was palpable in more than just me.
When getting report from the off going nurse I found out that Wendy, the day shift secretary, had offered to stay to help us. When I expressed huge relief that Wendy could do the beginning shift vital signs the nurse told me that she couldn't. I asked "why not?" in not the most ideal tone. The off going nurse, having had a horrible day, flared at me and we had a heated discussion that lasted only a few minutes. During this time I found out that Wendy was not allowed to do care partner work because she had never been trained to do it. I had no idea that there were just secretaries because every secretary I had worked with in my 5 plus years had been both secretary/care partner. I was embarrassed and ashamed about my flare. After report was finished, I immediately went to Wendy and apologized. She told me that it was okay and that it didn't bother her in the least. This was a Saturday.
That weekend I emailed my boss to let her know about some charting problems I had encountered and I was surprised to get a response about my "behavior problems". I went to work fearful about being called out but had prepared myself for it. Even though I made myself available, my boss did not make time to talk with me. Later that week was when I got the call that Mom was in the hospital and I had to leave for SoCal.
Now, more than a month after the situation and with my Mom home on hospice, my boss was insistent on writing me up. Also during this time, our union was in the midst of nasty contract negotiations and there were very valid murmurs of strike.
My stress level was beyond belief. I was on the verge of panic attacks, I wasn't sleeping. I was at my wits end.
My friends and I had planned a camping trip months before. Given the stress of my personal and professional life I wanted desperately to go and pretend that my life was, even for a moment, "normal". I had spoken with the family and Ma seemed about the same. Trisha reported some increased confusion but she seemed stable to me from what they were telling me. I made plans to head to SoCal on a Monday train.
I finally met with my boss on Thursday, Sept 30th. I had a panic attack that morning at about 3am from the stress of everything.
When I sat down to meet with her, she informed me that I had the right to have union representation at this meeting. When I told her that I didn't realize this was one of "those" meetings she offered to postpone the meeting until someone from the union was available. Given that they were up to their eyeballs in nasty negotiations I knew that they'd not be available to meet for weeks and I was sick of the stress. My boss told me this meeting was a "fact finding" meeting and that she planned to write up a corrective action plan for my attitude.
Our meeting was very brief. She wrote down my recollection of the things I said and informed me that she had two more people to meet with. I told her that I'd be in touch with the union rep but given that they were still in negotiations with hospital administration that it'd probably take a week or more to get an appointment with them to meet with the two of us. I left numb but a bit glad to have it done with.
Friday, Dave and I went to the campsite. I was very uncomfortable because I had absolutely no cell phone service. As we were arriving, I got a text message from Delbie. It was a video of my Mom saying "hello" to me and Delibes's attempt to guilt me into coming home sooner. Mom was breathing easy, was a bit confused but looked stable to me. I was relieved to find they had pay phones and a little general store with someone available to answer the phone. I called home and gave Trisha the name and phone number of the campsite and told her the number of the specific site we were camping at in the event of an emergency.
Camping that weekend was shitty. I was so preoccupied with what was going on at home that I was unable to relax. We found out that a tentative contract had been reached though the nurses took it in the behind. My stress level was lifting gradually. I was able to laugh and smile a bit even though I was still horribly preoccupied.
I called Trisha on Saturday abound 6pm and she told me that Moms breathing had changed and that she had called the hospice nurse. I was so stressed out and so in denial about what was going on down there that even though I heard the words, I didn't comprehend what she was saying. With my knowledge and back ground I should have known. I told Trisha that we planned to break camp in the early AM and that I'd head to SoCal on Sunday rather than Monday.
The next morning, we broke camp and were heading out around 9 am. When we got to the road I got another text message from Delbie from Friday showing Mom smiling at me and mumbling gibberish. I smiled. I then got a voicemail alert and a number of text messages including one that said "Hospice nurse just left. Mom is actively dying. You might consider flying".
I called home immediately. Trisha and Delbie both answered. When I asked how Mom was and got a "just wait minute Lucy" from Delbie, I knew. I desperately asked "she's still with us, right?!" When he told me to "hold on" I got all flushed and time stood still.
They told me that after I got off the phone with them on Saturday the hospice nurse came to see Mom. The nurse informed them that she was actively dying. They tried desperately to get a hold of me on my cell phone but couldn't. Trisha, with her stress and worry, had forgotten that I had given her the number of the place we were staying.
I found out that Mom passed away on Saturday, October 2nd at around 11:30pm. Katie had been woken to see her about 11. Delbie and Jane where holding her hands and Trisha was at her feet. They said she had no pain and that she passed peacefully.
I began to cry uncontrollably. Dave, who was driving was beside himself. I told my family that I'd leave right away. I asked Dave if he'd be willing to drive me because I didn't trust myself to drive and I couldn't fathom an 8 hour train ride in the state I was in.
We went home, ditched out camping stuff, packed and showered quickly and got on the road as quickly as possible. I was a zombie. Vacillating between total slack jaw numbness and uncontrollable crying. All Dave could do was hold my hand.
When we were in Bakersfield I had a moment where I told myself that if I were to die right then I'd be okay with it, my grief was so exquisite. I quickly admonished myself for thinking that because it would upset my family when they were already grieving. Minutes later Dave had to slam on the breaks because some meat head had cut us off. I didn't even flinch even though we came within inches of rear ending the car at 80 miles per hour.
As we came closer to home, I turned to Dave and asked him to give me some time alone with my family. I was worried about Delbie's response to my bringing Dave because during his 5 day visit the month before Delbie was very nasty about Dave being there. Delbie told me that felt violated that I brought a "stranger" into the house during our family crisis and he felt that he couldn't grieve openly with Dave there. I was fearful that Delbie would be angry that Dave drove me home and that he would lash out at me, or worse, at Dave.
Trisha and Jun came out when they heard us drive up. I met Trisha in the front yard and she hugged me. I again began to cry uncontrollably. I came in the house and my siblings sat with me in the front room. They relayed the events of the few days before to me while I cried. They had thought that I was coming home on Saturday and had been frantic trying to get a hold of me when things were rapidly changing. Delbie admitted to being angry with me and sad for me that I hadn't been there at the end but said that because of my response he wouldn't give me a hard time about. I was openly beating myself up for choosing to go camping rather than coming home Friday. After a while Dave came in.
I went into Moms room and lied face down on her hospital bed. I could smell her body in the sheets and on the pillows. I was sobbing uncontrollably. After a while Dave came in, sat with me and held me. This was easily the worst day of my life.
The week that followed was a whirlwind of details, emotions, plans and to do lists. At any given moment I would be a wreck or consoling someone else. There was so much love in the house. If someone broke down, one of us would go over and hold a hand or give a hug. We were one in our grief. I had never felt so close to my family as I did that week.
We had met with the funeral home while Mom was on hospice and Mom had even been able to make choices for her "party". We had 3 brain cells between the 4 siblings so going to town for even one or two tasks required that we make a list.
Mom's services were nice. Seeing her body was surreal, she didn't really look like herself but she would have LOVED the outfit that Trisha had found for her. Katie dealt well with seeing Mom's body but she became a bit frightened when she found Mom was cold when she kissed her. Katie sobbed and all I could do was hold her and cry with her. Tracy was so supportive and did a wonderful job running the show for us. Jane's slide show was beautiful and the music choices made after our bickering were fitting.
People we didn't expect to show up did. Many shared wonderful things and stories about our Mom. The day was a bit of a blur.
The casket and flowers were beautiful. Mom, when she was making choices for her services commented that "It's going to be such a nice party". She was right. I'm sure she was there with us and was happy with our send off.
I took two weeks off of work to be with my family after we buried Mom. We were all numb and often tearful. A music box that I had given Mom for Mothers Day some time in the early 90s, that she had probably tossed on the shelf after listening to once, became a token for us to remember her. Katie would bring the music box to one of us, we'd wind it and we'd sit, hold each other, listen and cry. The two weeks was filled with much love and support for one another.
Before Jane and I left to drive home I went into the empty house alone. I painted it as a "final look" to make sure that we didn't forget anything.
I spoke aloud to my Mom telling her how much I loved her. It felt like it did when I'd hug her before we'd head home when she was alive. It was very difficult leaving because I knew that I'd never see my Mom again. I looked at her chair and envisioned her sitting there smiling at me, trying to shoo me out so she could get back to her nap or television show. It was bittersweet.
Being home was weird. Getting back into my routine was difficult. I'd have brief moments of worry about Mom and getting the call that she was dying and that I wouldn't be able to make it home in time and then I'd realize that I didn't have to worry about that call any more. I'd cry every day but felt okay with it, my grieving was healthy and appropriate. My friends and Dave were tremendously supportive and my boss finally dropped the desire to write me up. Every once in a while, I felt compelled to send a text to my siblings to send them my love, to check on them or to let them know I was thinking about them.
Thanksgiving was tough but okay. It was at my house. After we prayed (I insisted because Mom would have wanted it) I made a toast to our Ma and how we missed her. Only one minor altercation occurred that weekend when Delbie fabricated a story about how I had given him a rash of shit about not contributing to Katie's birthday. Even after I read my texts to him from that time period, he insisted on trying to paint me the monster to our family. When that wasn't working, his story then became "who’s attacking now?"
Christmas was horrible, in my opinion, easily the worst family holiday ever.
When Delbie came in on Thursday night he didn't even look at me. He grudgingly hugged me, only because I came up to him and expected it. He didn't speak to me. I definitely noticed it but tried to set it aside. That night about 2am I went out to speak to him alone and to offer love and support. Trisha had told me that he was having a hard time with Mom gone and with the holiday. When I asked if he was okay he said he was and when I asked him if things were okay between him and I he said no. He said he didn't want to talk to me that night but said he'd be willing to talk to me the next day.
I didn't sleep that night. The next morning about 11, with Dave and Jun gone shooting, I approached Delbie and asked him if we could talk. We went outside to talk and he proceeded to eviscerate me without warning.
In a matter of fact tone, he told me that I was easily the most selfish person he had ever encountered and that I "absolutely knew Mom was dying but I selfishly went to have fun with my friends instead of being here for Moms last days and our family". He said that I had no concern for our Mom or our family and that I "stabbed my entire family in the back with a dagger when they needed me the most". He told me that he hated that I was such a "positive" person and he thought I was fake. He told me that he hated it when I checked on him, that he was doing fine and that he didn't want me texting or emailing him anymore. He told me that if I weren't a sister he, nor my sisters, would have nothing to do with me.
He told me that the family was worried that I was suicidal but that I shouldn't consider suicide an option because it'd hurt our family more. Ironically, had I had any inclination to kill myself, I certainly would have done it after this speech. He brow beat me for perhaps 20 minutes and when I tried to get a word in or defend myself he'd cut me off to beat me some more.
Finally, I had all I could take. I proceeded to clench my teeth and pound my fists on the table so hard that my tea spilled all over me and the ground and so hard that I bruised both of my hands. I knocked a chair over when I stood up and shrieked at him with all my mite. I told him that I had so much guilt about not being there at the end that he couldn't do or say anything to me that I hadn't already done or said to myself. I went on to tell him that even though he could distract himself with work that I couldn't because I regularly have to take care of little old ladies who reminded me of Mom that are dying. I told him that I had no peace at work because I witness uncontrolled suffering and death on a daily basis. I proceeded to tell him that if he didn't want to have anything to do with me from that moment that I was fine with it.
During my outburst, he looked at me like I was a wild animal that may attack at any moment. He was unsure of my next move but from his body language he prepared himself for that possibility. After defending myself, I flew into the house sobbing and told Trisha that I was being disowned.
I immediately got in the shower where I sobbed uncontrollably. Trisha came into the bathroom for something and I told her a small fraction of what was said between Delbie and I. When I went to get dressed, Delbie knocked on the door of the bedroom asking to talk with me. I told him that I couldn't talk to him at that moment. He said he was "sorry" in an angry tone and left. I knew that this apology only came because Trisha threatened to kick him out of her house if he didn't do it.
I left the house shortly after with only my cell phone and walked into the canyon. I sat by myself and cried in that canyon for over 2 hours. I openly talked to my Mom asking her to please bring Delbie peace.
I had been out so long I was concerned that Trisha and Dave might be worried about me so I decided to head back. I knew that I couldn't be around Delbie at that time so when I got a cell signal I called Dave to come pick me up.
He took me to town and while at coffee, I shared a bit of what was said. Dave asked me why I cared so much what my brother thought of me and I couldn't immediately tell him why.
I realized in that moment that I had been desperately seeking my brother’s approval my entire life and that all throughout that time I was his target number one. I had spent my entire life trying to beg, borrow or steal his approval. Growing up, when going to town with my friends, I'd use the little bit of money that Mom gave me to buy him things in the hope that he would like them and thereby like me. This was something that I was still doing. Hours after the Thanksgiving altercation I gave him my laptop I hadn't used in a while.
Jane was his favorite sister, something he loved to say aloud and Trisha grudgingly had his respect but only because she had cared for Mom so long. He had absolutely no respect for me. I had been his whipping boy since I was probably 12 and my siblings had been happy to let me have that title.
Many, many times growing up Delbie would single me out for verbal abuse and they would only come to my defense when I would threaten to leave, begin to cry uncontrollably or call it to their attention that they were doing nothing to defend me while he continued to attack me. At those times, one or the other would yell at Delbie to leave me alone.
Dave and I came home later that night after a movie. I was uneasy entering the house. I sat on the couch and Dave sat beside me holding my hand. Delbie proceeded to sit on the opposite couch and began to brow beat me again. After a number of minutes of trying to get him to have a reasonable discussion I asked him, for the sake of our sisters, to either ignore me or try to be cordial in their presence. He got all revved up about me wanting him to be "fake" like I was and that he couldn't do that. Finally, knowing that nothing else could be gained from the discussion I told him "I'm done" and turned away from him, ignoring him. He continued to chide me about "being fake" but after a number of minutes of me not responding, he gave up and left the room.
Dinner that night was awkward. Delbie announced to the house that he "didn't want to sit by me" which suited me fine because I had no desire to be near him either because I felt uncomfortable and was a bit fearful of him. Karena told him he was being "childish".
Later that night, while I was alone in the computer room he approached me with an "apology". It went something like "If you try really hard, maybe someday I'll forgive you, but probably not for a long time and I will NEVER forget what you did to our family".
This "apology" was only at the prompting of Jane and Karena. I told him that some things are so mean and nasty that, once said, can never be taken back and what he said to me that morning was one of those things. I went on to tell him that I realized that I had spent my entire life trying to gain his approval and that I was done trying. I told him to save his breath and his apology because I no longer cared if he hated me or not.
He got snippy and defensive and said "so you're not willing to fix this?" and I said "I don't think it's fixable". He stormed out of the office and told Jane and Karena that he tried but that I was unwilling to fix things. This was Christmas Eve.
The next morning I woke up feeling very sad and dejected. I told Dave that this was the worst Christmas ever and that I wanted to go home after opening the gifts and that I wanted to skip Christmas dinner. Dave was visibly upset by my mood but all he could do was hug me.
I was numb during the gift opening, unable to express joy, surprise or share in Katie's excitement. I felt positively grey and sick to my stomach. Karena later told me that it looked like I was going to cry. When Katie handed one of my gifts for Delbie to him, I looked away. The first gift was kind of a tongue in cheek one, a 13 count Costco pack of Chap Stick. My brother, the Chap Stick addict, joked uncomfortably about it. I could tell that he was uncomfortable because it was evident that I had drawn his name. When Katie handed him his real gift, I looked away again. It was a $250 iPhone gift card, exactly what he wanted and significantly more than the $100 gift maximum.
Delbie looked at me and said "Lucy I don't hate you, I love you" and gave me a one armed hug. It was all I could do to keep from bursting into tears. I felt half a person for the rest of the gift opening. I felt horrible for Dave because he had spent so much time, thought and energy into choosing gifts for me. The saddest part was when I opened my last gift.
Inside the box was a rust colored back pack. He awkwardly suggested that I take a look inside. Inside I found a small wrapped jewelry box. When I opened it I found a beautiful pair of diamond earrings. They were stunning. I was genuinely touched but had to fake my excitement.
The morning was a haze of grey. Breakfast was uneventful and the guys set up Katie's Wii. Trisha told me that she didn't want Dave and I to leave and she insisted we stay for dinner. She offered to kick Delbie out but I told her that wasn't necessary.
Later that morning while the family was playing with the Wii, Delbie went to Jane and asked her to look in his ear. She glanced and told him he had a huge zit and suggested that he have me look at it. I offered to and he accepted.
When we were in the bathroom he offered a true apology. He said he "took back all the things I said about you yesterday. I don't really think those things about you and I love you". I got tears in my eyes and thanked him for his apology. I told him that what he said to me had been very hurtful and that I'd do my best to let the pain go. We hugged and although I still felt sad about the content of his message the day before, I felt significantly better and was no longer uncomfortable being in the room with him.
At dinner that night, Delbie made a comment about wishing Mom was there. He got a bit choked up and we all agreed with him. Dinner was delicious, as Trisha's dinners usually are. We all became Wii addicts. Poor Katie didn't get to play her new toy very much but she seemed to be enjoying watching us all play.
I was happy to go home the next day and to have Christmas done and over.
New Years Eve was enjoyable. Dave and I went to dinner and a comedy show in the city with Scott and Donna. The show was over at 10 so Dave and I were able to be home for the ball drop.
At the stroke of midnight, while hugging and kissing Dave my eyes filled with tears and ran over. He looked worried but relaxed when I told him it was because I was so happy to be with him in this moment. That was only a half truth.
The reality was I was relieved to have 2010 over and done with. The stroke of midnight was the official end of my year from Hell. It was a mark in time for me, an end to a particularly awful, exquisitely painful chapter of my life. It was was finally over.
That night, my tears were tears of sadness, loss, love, happiness and relief.
Since then, I finally had my first post op appointment with my surgeon. Luckily I have been able to maintain since my Mom got sick even after having jumped off the diet and workout wagon during my grief. He gave me an appetite suppressant, some additional diet info and instructions to see him in 3 months.
Today I am beginning to feel hopeful again. I can smile and feel genuinely happy. I think of Mom every day and still sometimes talk aloud to her when I'm alone. When I really miss her, I send an email to her yahoo account telling her how much I miss and love her. I had told Katie that she could send letters to Grandma in Heaven when she misses her so I'm sure Ma can also get her email there.
I hope to be able to work on my relationship with Delbie and hope that someday we can have a mutually respectful, loving exchange but I know that it takes two to fix things. I'm committed to no longer trying to desperately seek his love and approval so if he is unwilling to mend things I am okay with it and know that it won’t be a reflection on me. I still ache in my chest when I think of that day and his message to me but I'm working on letting it go. Life's too short to hold onto pain and suffering.
At this moment, I feel that the world is a beautiful place with endless possibilities.
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I will remember 2010 as the absolute worst and one of best years of my life. Started the year out with Mom in the hospital having gone though open heart double valve replacement surgery. Recovery was rocky but after a number of weeks in the hospital and a few more in rehab she pretty much got to a bit above her baseline. We dodged that bullet, it was touch and go, but she made it out of the woods.
In April, I met a great guy named Dave and we fell for each other. He's sweet, supportive, responsible, sensible, easy on the eyes and thinks I'm one of the most beautiful and sexy ladies on the planet. Don't get me wrong, he nor our relationship is perfect by any means, but I do believe he is "The One" and our relationship is still going strong after a very difficult number of months.
The end of July was difficult for me. A much loved patient, one of the special ones, made the turn and was going towards end of life. This woman had touched me on so many levels. Caring, loving, genuinely interested, nurturing. An all around wonderful person. She and her entire family had captured my heart and the heart of the entire staff. Her passing away was a huge blow to me and my friends.
Dave was tremendously supportive during this time. I mean I couldn't have scripted it better.
In the beginning of August, Dave and I went to SoCal for the "meet the family visit". Dave had already met most of the family but had yet to meet my Ma and brother Del. I wasn't too worried about Ma liking him but I was very nervous about Delbie.
Delbie spent his whole life the only man surrounded by 4 doting women and he had had trouble in the past with men "sniffing around" his ladies. He had nearly gotten in a fist fight with one of my boyfriend because that bf had the nerve to defend me during one of his customary brow beatings. That paired with the fact that my family can be REALLY obnoxious when we all get together had me very nervous. I was worried that Dave would see me and my family and head runnin for the hills.
The visit went well. Delbie was guardedly polite. Dave and Delbie had a lot in common though I did see a bit of competitive talking but it seemed to be all right. Mom told me she liked him.
A few weeks later I got the call that would change my life. Mom had gone in the hospital for what we thought was her quarterly top off for her anemia but we quickly found out that wasn't the case.
She was transferred from AV hospital to Kaiser Sunset where they had done her open heart surgery. We found out that her mitral valve had failed, most likely from some infection that went undetected (Mom had recurrent UTIs). The roller coaster started.
During that week plus at Kaiser Sunset they offered a repeat open heart surgery but the way the surgeon presented it I could tell that he wanted us to decline. He have her a 50/50 chance of surviving. I asked the surgeon if her odds would be better if she were stronger nutritionally (she had lost over 100lbs in the year plus prior to this time) and physically and he us told that it could. As a family we opted to delay the surgery for a month to give us time to fatten her up and get her moving better.
Two days after going home we were back in AV hospitals ER. That morning, Mom was extremely short of breath and was on the fast track to respiratory failure. We called 911 and she was transported there. They were finally able to get her breathing under control with BIPAP and a little bit of morphine. During this admission the roller coaster got worse.
We were told that the Kaiser Sunset surgeon took surgery away as an option but then a second surgeon said that although surgery wasn't an option that she could have a number of months of good quality of life if we properly maintained her CHF (the effect of the heart valve failure).
The hospice team met with us. We didn't think that she'd make it home because she was so unstable respiratory wise. We got special permission for Katie, her 4 year old granddaughter, to visit her in the hospital for what we thought was the last time. We all had our conversations, said our good byes, told her we loved her and sat vigil.
They surprised us with discharge plans. We weren't prepared mentally or emotionally but took her home anyway. Once home she stabilized, we think because we were very strict with her fluid and sodium restriction. Fighting with her over water was heart wrenching. We found out that sneaky Grandma would send the 4 year old to the water dispenser for cups of water when no one was around. We laughed about it and corrected the situation. Mom was not pleased to have been found out.
Because of Mom's weakness, she required two of us to care for her around the clock. Jane, who was unemployed at the time, signed up and I was there for the first four weeks. Dave had come down for about 5 days during this time both to see me and to support me and was very helpful with Mom's care. He'd jump up at any moment to help me or Jane boost her in bed or get her up and out of it.
Mom really seemed to like him. She joked with him about how I had trained him up to be quite the nurses aid. One morning at about 6:30 I got up with Mom. I was sitting at the table with her drinking coffee while she picked at her breakfast. Dave came out and sat at the table with us. Mom looked at me and said "Lucy, you are a good kid". When I smiled and said thank you she looked at Dave, with a mischievous gleam in her eye and said "but you're better". We all laughed and smiled. Dave blushed but appeared to appreciate the comment.
It was very difficult time. Mom went on night shift hours. She would sleep a lot during the day and be up multiple times in the night asking to get out of bed. She would ring this damn bell that we all came to loathe. It was excruciating. We would argue with her about staying in bed because it was unsafe to leave her in a chair or on the edge of the bed because she was impulsive and weak. Mom tried everything from sweet talking us to being mean and nasty but for her safety we couldn't let her out during the night. We tried everything from giving her ativan and oral morphine before bed to sobbing and begging in the middle of the night but little helped. Trisha became known as the "Mom Whisperer" because she was the only one who could settle her down in the middle of the night. Our day time hours were zombie like for lack of sleep and gallons of coffee were consumed.
I only had 6 weeks available to me for the leave and given how stable she had become and the fact that she could last for months as she was, we, as a family opted to send me home until Mom needed a higher level of care.
Four or five weeks after arriving, I left the house at 3:30am to catch an early AM train to NorCal. I went in to see Mom before I left and as expected she was awake. We talked quietly. I told her how much I loved her, she told me that she really liked Dave, that she approved of him and that she loved me. She thanked me for all the help I had given. During our talk I stroked her hair. Right before I left, I kissed her on the forehead and told her I'd see her later. Leaving was very difficult. My gut told me I should stay but my head prevailed.
Jane was the primary care giver while Trisha and Delbie traded weeks off. The family kind of got into a groove. I would call daily to check on her and would try to talk with her but often, in her usual style, she'd turf me to another family member as quickly as possible. The family reported periods of confusion and some decreased urine output. Mom was seeing a man in the back yard looking in the window and a little girl in the room. We felt that our Dad was close and that perhaps the little girl was her sister who she lost to scarlet fever. Trisha's garden was in uncharacteristic splendor for the season.
Meanwhile, things in NorCal were spiraling out of control for me. The week before Mom got sick, I had approached my boss to tell her that I was willing to orient to lead nurse and she expressed doubt in my ability by saying that to be lead, I'd need to be more "diplomatic". I was shocked because that job had been offered to me years before and I had declined. I was perplexed by the change of heart especially since I had had no knowledge of "issues" with my attitude since the offer was made.
A week after this event with my boss, I had probably the worst shift of my career. We were dangerously understaffed and before going out of the report room we had already drafted an Assignment Under Protest, a union document putting the hospital on notice that we felt the situation was unsafe. The stress level in the report room was palpable in more than just me.
When getting report from the off going nurse I found out that Wendy, the day shift secretary, had offered to stay to help us. When I expressed huge relief that Wendy could do the beginning shift vital signs the nurse told me that she couldn't. I asked "why not?" in not the most ideal tone. The off going nurse, having had a horrible day, flared at me and we had a heated discussion that lasted only a few minutes. During this time I found out that Wendy was not allowed to do care partner work because she had never been trained to do it. I had no idea that there were just secretaries because every secretary I had worked with in my 5 plus years had been both secretary/care partner. I was embarrassed and ashamed about my flare. After report was finished, I immediately went to Wendy and apologized. She told me that it was okay and that it didn't bother her in the least. This was a Saturday.
That weekend I emailed my boss to let her know about some charting problems I had encountered and I was surprised to get a response about my "behavior problems". I went to work fearful about being called out but had prepared myself for it. Even though I made myself available, my boss did not make time to talk with me. Later that week was when I got the call that Mom was in the hospital and I had to leave for SoCal.
Now, more than a month after the situation and with my Mom home on hospice, my boss was insistent on writing me up. Also during this time, our union was in the midst of nasty contract negotiations and there were very valid murmurs of strike.
My stress level was beyond belief. I was on the verge of panic attacks, I wasn't sleeping. I was at my wits end.
My friends and I had planned a camping trip months before. Given the stress of my personal and professional life I wanted desperately to go and pretend that my life was, even for a moment, "normal". I had spoken with the family and Ma seemed about the same. Trisha reported some increased confusion but she seemed stable to me from what they were telling me. I made plans to head to SoCal on a Monday train.
I finally met with my boss on Thursday, Sept 30th. I had a panic attack that morning at about 3am from the stress of everything.
When I sat down to meet with her, she informed me that I had the right to have union representation at this meeting. When I told her that I didn't realize this was one of "those" meetings she offered to postpone the meeting until someone from the union was available. Given that they were up to their eyeballs in nasty negotiations I knew that they'd not be available to meet for weeks and I was sick of the stress. My boss told me this meeting was a "fact finding" meeting and that she planned to write up a corrective action plan for my attitude.
Our meeting was very brief. She wrote down my recollection of the things I said and informed me that she had two more people to meet with. I told her that I'd be in touch with the union rep but given that they were still in negotiations with hospital administration that it'd probably take a week or more to get an appointment with them to meet with the two of us. I left numb but a bit glad to have it done with.
Friday, Dave and I went to the campsite. I was very uncomfortable because I had absolutely no cell phone service. As we were arriving, I got a text message from Delbie. It was a video of my Mom saying "hello" to me and Delibes's attempt to guilt me into coming home sooner. Mom was breathing easy, was a bit confused but looked stable to me. I was relieved to find they had pay phones and a little general store with someone available to answer the phone. I called home and gave Trisha the name and phone number of the campsite and told her the number of the specific site we were camping at in the event of an emergency.
Camping that weekend was shitty. I was so preoccupied with what was going on at home that I was unable to relax. We found out that a tentative contract had been reached though the nurses took it in the behind. My stress level was lifting gradually. I was able to laugh and smile a bit even though I was still horribly preoccupied.
I called Trisha on Saturday abound 6pm and she told me that Moms breathing had changed and that she had called the hospice nurse. I was so stressed out and so in denial about what was going on down there that even though I heard the words, I didn't comprehend what she was saying. With my knowledge and back ground I should have known. I told Trisha that we planned to break camp in the early AM and that I'd head to SoCal on Sunday rather than Monday.
The next morning, we broke camp and were heading out around 9 am. When we got to the road I got another text message from Delbie from Friday showing Mom smiling at me and mumbling gibberish. I smiled. I then got a voicemail alert and a number of text messages including one that said "Hospice nurse just left. Mom is actively dying. You might consider flying".
I called home immediately. Trisha and Delbie both answered. When I asked how Mom was and got a "just wait minute Lucy" from Delbie, I knew. I desperately asked "she's still with us, right?!" When he told me to "hold on" I got all flushed and time stood still.
They told me that after I got off the phone with them on Saturday the hospice nurse came to see Mom. The nurse informed them that she was actively dying. They tried desperately to get a hold of me on my cell phone but couldn't. Trisha, with her stress and worry, had forgotten that I had given her the number of the place we were staying.
I found out that Mom passed away on Saturday, October 2nd at around 11:30pm. Katie had been woken to see her about 11. Delbie and Jane where holding her hands and Trisha was at her feet. They said she had no pain and that she passed peacefully.
I began to cry uncontrollably. Dave, who was driving was beside himself. I told my family that I'd leave right away. I asked Dave if he'd be willing to drive me because I didn't trust myself to drive and I couldn't fathom an 8 hour train ride in the state I was in.
We went home, ditched out camping stuff, packed and showered quickly and got on the road as quickly as possible. I was a zombie. Vacillating between total slack jaw numbness and uncontrollable crying. All Dave could do was hold my hand.
When we were in Bakersfield I had a moment where I told myself that if I were to die right then I'd be okay with it, my grief was so exquisite. I quickly admonished myself for thinking that because it would upset my family when they were already grieving. Minutes later Dave had to slam on the breaks because some meat head had cut us off. I didn't even flinch even though we came within inches of rear ending the car at 80 miles per hour.
As we came closer to home, I turned to Dave and asked him to give me some time alone with my family. I was worried about Delbie's response to my bringing Dave because during his 5 day visit the month before Delbie was very nasty about Dave being there. Delbie told me that felt violated that I brought a "stranger" into the house during our family crisis and he felt that he couldn't grieve openly with Dave there. I was fearful that Delbie would be angry that Dave drove me home and that he would lash out at me, or worse, at Dave.
Trisha and Jun came out when they heard us drive up. I met Trisha in the front yard and she hugged me. I again began to cry uncontrollably. I came in the house and my siblings sat with me in the front room. They relayed the events of the few days before to me while I cried. They had thought that I was coming home on Saturday and had been frantic trying to get a hold of me when things were rapidly changing. Delbie admitted to being angry with me and sad for me that I hadn't been there at the end but said that because of my response he wouldn't give me a hard time about. I was openly beating myself up for choosing to go camping rather than coming home Friday. After a while Dave came in.
I went into Moms room and lied face down on her hospital bed. I could smell her body in the sheets and on the pillows. I was sobbing uncontrollably. After a while Dave came in, sat with me and held me. This was easily the worst day of my life.
The week that followed was a whirlwind of details, emotions, plans and to do lists. At any given moment I would be a wreck or consoling someone else. There was so much love in the house. If someone broke down, one of us would go over and hold a hand or give a hug. We were one in our grief. I had never felt so close to my family as I did that week.
We had met with the funeral home while Mom was on hospice and Mom had even been able to make choices for her "party". We had 3 brain cells between the 4 siblings so going to town for even one or two tasks required that we make a list.
Mom's services were nice. Seeing her body was surreal, she didn't really look like herself but she would have LOVED the outfit that Trisha had found for her. Katie dealt well with seeing Mom's body but she became a bit frightened when she found Mom was cold when she kissed her. Katie sobbed and all I could do was hold her and cry with her. Tracy was so supportive and did a wonderful job running the show for us. Jane's slide show was beautiful and the music choices made after our bickering were fitting.
People we didn't expect to show up did. Many shared wonderful things and stories about our Mom. The day was a bit of a blur.
The casket and flowers were beautiful. Mom, when she was making choices for her services commented that "It's going to be such a nice party". She was right. I'm sure she was there with us and was happy with our send off.
I took two weeks off of work to be with my family after we buried Mom. We were all numb and often tearful. A music box that I had given Mom for Mothers Day some time in the early 90s, that she had probably tossed on the shelf after listening to once, became a token for us to remember her. Katie would bring the music box to one of us, we'd wind it and we'd sit, hold each other, listen and cry. The two weeks was filled with much love and support for one another.
Before Jane and I left to drive home I went into the empty house alone. I painted it as a "final look" to make sure that we didn't forget anything.
I spoke aloud to my Mom telling her how much I loved her. It felt like it did when I'd hug her before we'd head home when she was alive. It was very difficult leaving because I knew that I'd never see my Mom again. I looked at her chair and envisioned her sitting there smiling at me, trying to shoo me out so she could get back to her nap or television show. It was bittersweet.
Being home was weird. Getting back into my routine was difficult. I'd have brief moments of worry about Mom and getting the call that she was dying and that I wouldn't be able to make it home in time and then I'd realize that I didn't have to worry about that call any more. I'd cry every day but felt okay with it, my grieving was healthy and appropriate. My friends and Dave were tremendously supportive and my boss finally dropped the desire to write me up. Every once in a while, I felt compelled to send a text to my siblings to send them my love, to check on them or to let them know I was thinking about them.
Thanksgiving was tough but okay. It was at my house. After we prayed (I insisted because Mom would have wanted it) I made a toast to our Ma and how we missed her. Only one minor altercation occurred that weekend when Delbie fabricated a story about how I had given him a rash of shit about not contributing to Katie's birthday. Even after I read my texts to him from that time period, he insisted on trying to paint me the monster to our family. When that wasn't working, his story then became "who’s attacking now?"
Christmas was horrible, in my opinion, easily the worst family holiday ever.
When Delbie came in on Thursday night he didn't even look at me. He grudgingly hugged me, only because I came up to him and expected it. He didn't speak to me. I definitely noticed it but tried to set it aside. That night about 2am I went out to speak to him alone and to offer love and support. Trisha had told me that he was having a hard time with Mom gone and with the holiday. When I asked if he was okay he said he was and when I asked him if things were okay between him and I he said no. He said he didn't want to talk to me that night but said he'd be willing to talk to me the next day.
I didn't sleep that night. The next morning about 11, with Dave and Jun gone shooting, I approached Delbie and asked him if we could talk. We went outside to talk and he proceeded to eviscerate me without warning.
In a matter of fact tone, he told me that I was easily the most selfish person he had ever encountered and that I "absolutely knew Mom was dying but I selfishly went to have fun with my friends instead of being here for Moms last days and our family". He said that I had no concern for our Mom or our family and that I "stabbed my entire family in the back with a dagger when they needed me the most". He told me that he hated that I was such a "positive" person and he thought I was fake. He told me that he hated it when I checked on him, that he was doing fine and that he didn't want me texting or emailing him anymore. He told me that if I weren't a sister he, nor my sisters, would have nothing to do with me.
He told me that the family was worried that I was suicidal but that I shouldn't consider suicide an option because it'd hurt our family more. Ironically, had I had any inclination to kill myself, I certainly would have done it after this speech. He brow beat me for perhaps 20 minutes and when I tried to get a word in or defend myself he'd cut me off to beat me some more.
Finally, I had all I could take. I proceeded to clench my teeth and pound my fists on the table so hard that my tea spilled all over me and the ground and so hard that I bruised both of my hands. I knocked a chair over when I stood up and shrieked at him with all my mite. I told him that I had so much guilt about not being there at the end that he couldn't do or say anything to me that I hadn't already done or said to myself. I went on to tell him that even though he could distract himself with work that I couldn't because I regularly have to take care of little old ladies who reminded me of Mom that are dying. I told him that I had no peace at work because I witness uncontrolled suffering and death on a daily basis. I proceeded to tell him that if he didn't want to have anything to do with me from that moment that I was fine with it.
During my outburst, he looked at me like I was a wild animal that may attack at any moment. He was unsure of my next move but from his body language he prepared himself for that possibility. After defending myself, I flew into the house sobbing and told Trisha that I was being disowned.
I immediately got in the shower where I sobbed uncontrollably. Trisha came into the bathroom for something and I told her a small fraction of what was said between Delbie and I. When I went to get dressed, Delbie knocked on the door of the bedroom asking to talk with me. I told him that I couldn't talk to him at that moment. He said he was "sorry" in an angry tone and left. I knew that this apology only came because Trisha threatened to kick him out of her house if he didn't do it.
I left the house shortly after with only my cell phone and walked into the canyon. I sat by myself and cried in that canyon for over 2 hours. I openly talked to my Mom asking her to please bring Delbie peace.
I had been out so long I was concerned that Trisha and Dave might be worried about me so I decided to head back. I knew that I couldn't be around Delbie at that time so when I got a cell signal I called Dave to come pick me up.
He took me to town and while at coffee, I shared a bit of what was said. Dave asked me why I cared so much what my brother thought of me and I couldn't immediately tell him why.
I realized in that moment that I had been desperately seeking my brother’s approval my entire life and that all throughout that time I was his target number one. I had spent my entire life trying to beg, borrow or steal his approval. Growing up, when going to town with my friends, I'd use the little bit of money that Mom gave me to buy him things in the hope that he would like them and thereby like me. This was something that I was still doing. Hours after the Thanksgiving altercation I gave him my laptop I hadn't used in a while.
Jane was his favorite sister, something he loved to say aloud and Trisha grudgingly had his respect but only because she had cared for Mom so long. He had absolutely no respect for me. I had been his whipping boy since I was probably 12 and my siblings had been happy to let me have that title.
Many, many times growing up Delbie would single me out for verbal abuse and they would only come to my defense when I would threaten to leave, begin to cry uncontrollably or call it to their attention that they were doing nothing to defend me while he continued to attack me. At those times, one or the other would yell at Delbie to leave me alone.
Dave and I came home later that night after a movie. I was uneasy entering the house. I sat on the couch and Dave sat beside me holding my hand. Delbie proceeded to sit on the opposite couch and began to brow beat me again. After a number of minutes of trying to get him to have a reasonable discussion I asked him, for the sake of our sisters, to either ignore me or try to be cordial in their presence. He got all revved up about me wanting him to be "fake" like I was and that he couldn't do that. Finally, knowing that nothing else could be gained from the discussion I told him "I'm done" and turned away from him, ignoring him. He continued to chide me about "being fake" but after a number of minutes of me not responding, he gave up and left the room.
Dinner that night was awkward. Delbie announced to the house that he "didn't want to sit by me" which suited me fine because I had no desire to be near him either because I felt uncomfortable and was a bit fearful of him. Karena told him he was being "childish".
Later that night, while I was alone in the computer room he approached me with an "apology". It went something like "If you try really hard, maybe someday I'll forgive you, but probably not for a long time and I will NEVER forget what you did to our family".
This "apology" was only at the prompting of Jane and Karena. I told him that some things are so mean and nasty that, once said, can never be taken back and what he said to me that morning was one of those things. I went on to tell him that I realized that I had spent my entire life trying to gain his approval and that I was done trying. I told him to save his breath and his apology because I no longer cared if he hated me or not.
He got snippy and defensive and said "so you're not willing to fix this?" and I said "I don't think it's fixable". He stormed out of the office and told Jane and Karena that he tried but that I was unwilling to fix things. This was Christmas Eve.
The next morning I woke up feeling very sad and dejected. I told Dave that this was the worst Christmas ever and that I wanted to go home after opening the gifts and that I wanted to skip Christmas dinner. Dave was visibly upset by my mood but all he could do was hug me.
I was numb during the gift opening, unable to express joy, surprise or share in Katie's excitement. I felt positively grey and sick to my stomach. Karena later told me that it looked like I was going to cry. When Katie handed one of my gifts for Delbie to him, I looked away. The first gift was kind of a tongue in cheek one, a 13 count Costco pack of Chap Stick. My brother, the Chap Stick addict, joked uncomfortably about it. I could tell that he was uncomfortable because it was evident that I had drawn his name. When Katie handed him his real gift, I looked away again. It was a $250 iPhone gift card, exactly what he wanted and significantly more than the $100 gift maximum.
Delbie looked at me and said "Lucy I don't hate you, I love you" and gave me a one armed hug. It was all I could do to keep from bursting into tears. I felt half a person for the rest of the gift opening. I felt horrible for Dave because he had spent so much time, thought and energy into choosing gifts for me. The saddest part was when I opened my last gift.
Inside the box was a rust colored back pack. He awkwardly suggested that I take a look inside. Inside I found a small wrapped jewelry box. When I opened it I found a beautiful pair of diamond earrings. They were stunning. I was genuinely touched but had to fake my excitement.
The morning was a haze of grey. Breakfast was uneventful and the guys set up Katie's Wii. Trisha told me that she didn't want Dave and I to leave and she insisted we stay for dinner. She offered to kick Delbie out but I told her that wasn't necessary.
Later that morning while the family was playing with the Wii, Delbie went to Jane and asked her to look in his ear. She glanced and told him he had a huge zit and suggested that he have me look at it. I offered to and he accepted.
When we were in the bathroom he offered a true apology. He said he "took back all the things I said about you yesterday. I don't really think those things about you and I love you". I got tears in my eyes and thanked him for his apology. I told him that what he said to me had been very hurtful and that I'd do my best to let the pain go. We hugged and although I still felt sad about the content of his message the day before, I felt significantly better and was no longer uncomfortable being in the room with him.
At dinner that night, Delbie made a comment about wishing Mom was there. He got a bit choked up and we all agreed with him. Dinner was delicious, as Trisha's dinners usually are. We all became Wii addicts. Poor Katie didn't get to play her new toy very much but she seemed to be enjoying watching us all play.
I was happy to go home the next day and to have Christmas done and over.
New Years Eve was enjoyable. Dave and I went to dinner and a comedy show in the city with Scott and Donna. The show was over at 10 so Dave and I were able to be home for the ball drop.
At the stroke of midnight, while hugging and kissing Dave my eyes filled with tears and ran over. He looked worried but relaxed when I told him it was because I was so happy to be with him in this moment. That was only a half truth.
The reality was I was relieved to have 2010 over and done with. The stroke of midnight was the official end of my year from Hell. It was a mark in time for me, an end to a particularly awful, exquisitely painful chapter of my life. It was was finally over.
That night, my tears were tears of sadness, loss, love, happiness and relief.
Since then, I finally had my first post op appointment with my surgeon. Luckily I have been able to maintain since my Mom got sick even after having jumped off the diet and workout wagon during my grief. He gave me an appetite suppressant, some additional diet info and instructions to see him in 3 months.
Today I am beginning to feel hopeful again. I can smile and feel genuinely happy. I think of Mom every day and still sometimes talk aloud to her when I'm alone. When I really miss her, I send an email to her yahoo account telling her how much I miss and love her. I had told Katie that she could send letters to Grandma in Heaven when she misses her so I'm sure Ma can also get her email there.
I hope to be able to work on my relationship with Delbie and hope that someday we can have a mutually respectful, loving exchange but I know that it takes two to fix things. I'm committed to no longer trying to desperately seek his love and approval so if he is unwilling to mend things I am okay with it and know that it won’t be a reflection on me. I still ache in my chest when I think of that day and his message to me but I'm working on letting it go. Life's too short to hold onto pain and suffering.
At this moment, I feel that the world is a beautiful place with endless possibilities.
6 month follow up
May 08, 2010
I had my six month follow up with my surgeon Friday. I was worried and dreading it, fearful that he would kick me in the behind again.
I was pleasantly surprised that he was pleased with my weight loss thus far. He told me that people with BMIs starting above 50 usally have a very difficult time reaching their goal weight but that I appear motivated and on track and that as long as I continue to lose 2.5 to 3 pounds per week and continue to be as active as I have been, that reaching my goal within the next 6 months is not undoable.
He wants me to see him again in 3 months.
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I was pleasantly surprised that he was pleased with my weight loss thus far. He told me that people with BMIs starting above 50 usally have a very difficult time reaching their goal weight but that I appear motivated and on track and that as long as I continue to lose 2.5 to 3 pounds per week and continue to be as active as I have been, that reaching my goal within the next 6 months is not undoable.
He wants me to see him again in 3 months.
Appointment with new shrink No. 1
Mar 02, 2010
Met with a new shrink today. He was pretty good, much better than my current shrink. On the phone before meeting with him I discussed with him my desire to discover my motivations to sabotage myself.
We met for almost an hour and I liked him.
I have an appointment with another shrink in the next couple of weeks and between the two I will decide who I want to go with.
I'm leaving my current shrink because I'm tired of hearing of her experiences with her surgery and how difficult her single freinds find dating in the North Bay Area is. I've heard all of her stories multiple times and I feel that I can get better therapy from complaining to my cat vs. sitting in her office just complaining about things.
Disappointment
Feb 26, 2010
Had a 4 month follow up today, it was my 3 month that was delayed because this was the first north bay appointment that I could get with my surgeon.
My surgeon was disappointed with my weight loss. He stated that I should be 20lbs lighter than I am. I could offer no valid excuse as to why I have not lost more weight. All of my excuses were just that.
I am working out but I balk at my work out buddy Donnas attempts to get me to go. When I do go, I am lazy with my work out, barely getting my heart rate up to where it should be. I've only done the nautilus equipment once since my surgery.
I was tracking my intake religiously until Mom went in for her open heart surgery. Sitting bedside for 3 weeks was a challenge emotionally and I haven't really tracked since then and that was 2 months ago.
I don't know for sure if I am hitting my daily protein goals. I do know that I am missing my fluid intake and my vitamin requirements.
I've stopped seeing my shrink because I'm sick of her cutting me off to share her surgery experience or to hear about how her single friends also think that it is difficult to meet men in the north bay area. I have heard all of her stories multiple times. The last time I was to meet with her she came out to get me 30 minutes after my allotted appointment time which pissed me off. I refused to be charged full price for a 15 minute appointment. I left telling her that I would call to make an appointment but have no intention to call.
I have been grazing on carb laden snacks and eating total shit. Eating at home is a chore, unless of course I'm noshing on carbolicious items like crackers. I like eating out because it is yummy. I am not making appropriate choices at restaurants and I take the left overs home and eat on them multiple times.
I'm squandering this huge investment that I purchased for myself. It's akin to buying a brand new car and leaving it sitting in the drive way. The end of my honeymoon period is rapidly approaching. If I am not careful I may not be able to get below 200lbs.
After the kick in the ass my surgeon gave me today I came home and purged my house of carbs. I made multiple calls to psychologists to find a new shrink and am hoping to find someone to help me really work on my issues vs. charge me $100 an hour for me to just bitch about things. I can get the same thing from my cat and the only thing she requires of me is wet cat food. I'm hoping I can interview the shrinks to see who will be a good fit. I may meet with any of them that take my insurance to see who is the best fit.
I've come clean to my family and close friends. I texted Donna about the surgeons disappointment and I know that she will now double her efforts to get my lazy bum to the gym.
He wants me to lose 3lbs a week. I am to make an appointment with him to follow up in 3 months. If I am unable to make 3lbs a week he wants me to meet with him monthly. He has offered me phentramine but I don't want to take it because I don't like the way it makes me feel and it makes my blood pressure go up.
It's time to hunker down and get to work.
Met with the ex
Feb 19, 2010
Going on 6 years ago the man who I thought was my soul mate dropped an atomic bomb on me. The day after final exams the first year of nursing school he told me that he was unhappy and had been for quite some time. This was a shocker because just two weeks before he told me that he was so happy that I was eventually going to be his wife and had since been telling me multiple times daily that he loved me. To say it was devastating is putting it lightly. It took me 6 months for my giant soccer ball shaped heart to come back into my chest and for me to stop crying myself to sleep. It took almost a year to feel like a normal human being again.
He always had been an impulsive person and of course regretted his decision. What I wasn't aware of and what he denied was that there was another woman in the picture. He proceeded to try to periodically try to see/hook up with me. He did this every few months for like two whole years (that really was a mind fuck) and then it ultimately turned into meet for coffee maybe twice a year where I would tell him that I'm doing well and where he would sit there and leer at me like a lion surveying a big juicy steak.
I saw him before my surgery so I could tell him about it. I wanted him to know that in the event that anything bad happened to me that he would be aware. I told him that if anything unexpected happened that my sister would have his number and she would contact him. Obviously we didn't need to contact him. I also told him that I would meet with him one more time after my surgery and that if he wanted to try dating each other again that I would be up for it but if not, then we would never meet up like that again. At the time I really wasn't interested in dating him again but was open to the idea of trying.
The other day I got a text message from him asking me if I did okay with my surgery and that he didn't want to bother me but that he was just concerned that I came through okay. I got back to him and told him that I was doing fabulous and that if he wanted to meet up I was up to it. We met for coffee later that day.
I was a bit nervous heading over to the coffee shop. I wouldn't call it butterflies but more a slight trepidation. When I saw him in the parking lot he looked much the same. He commented on how much weight I lost and how good I looked. We went in the door he stepped aside so I could go in first.
When I stepped in the coffee shop and scanned the room I immediately noticed a number of very cute men who appeared around my age and my immediate thought was "damn...all these cute guys and I'm with a guy!" I paid for my own drink and we sat down and proceeded to catch up.
After some small talk, he told me that he had left the company that he was working for and that he had taken a job with another company but that he would be heading to Eureka for a few months in the next couple of days and then the LA area after that. He said that he now regrets taking the assignments.
From that regret comment I assumed that after seeing me looking fabulous he was interested in dating me again. I immediately said "That's great! You will do so well with a change of scenery!" I honestly felt relieved that he would be heading out of town and that I would have no chance of seeing him again any time soon.
I think he got that I wasn't that interested in dating him again.
We caught up on our families, he kept making stupid little jokes that at one time I thought charming, but now were just annoying.
I couldn't help myself but occasionally I scanned the room which he definitely caught on to. We talked about my trying to date and he mentioned my plenty of fish personal ad. I told him that he should post there but he was against it. He leered and leered at me but it was more annoying than flattering.
After less than an hour he said he needed to head out. When I stood he asked me if I was going to walk him out because he knew I intended to stay longer, and I said sure. I think he was hoping that I would kiss him at his car or something because that is what had occurred many times prior.
We stepped into the parking lot and less than 5 feet from the door I stopped. I gave him a hug, he kissed me on my cheek and I wished him luck with the move. When he walked away he turned around and looked back one last time. I went back in, hung out for maybe another hour and proceeded to look cute and approachable but unfortunately didn't make any connections.
I felt sad for Trevor. I felt sad that he, after almost 6 years, still obviously had some serious feelings for me but that I had none. I felt sad because although he moved significantly forward in his career, he made no steps on his emotional maturity. It's like he is at an emotional stand still.
Don't worry, my sad feelings for him won't last long as he definitely put me through the emotional wringer more time than once. But in this moment I have pity for him. He blew it big time and I think he is finally realized it.
I don't mourn the loss of him any more but I still mourn the loss of what we had. I'm just very happy to be finally untied from my feelings for him.
I feel free.
1 comment
He always had been an impulsive person and of course regretted his decision. What I wasn't aware of and what he denied was that there was another woman in the picture. He proceeded to try to periodically try to see/hook up with me. He did this every few months for like two whole years (that really was a mind fuck) and then it ultimately turned into meet for coffee maybe twice a year where I would tell him that I'm doing well and where he would sit there and leer at me like a lion surveying a big juicy steak.
I saw him before my surgery so I could tell him about it. I wanted him to know that in the event that anything bad happened to me that he would be aware. I told him that if anything unexpected happened that my sister would have his number and she would contact him. Obviously we didn't need to contact him. I also told him that I would meet with him one more time after my surgery and that if he wanted to try dating each other again that I would be up for it but if not, then we would never meet up like that again. At the time I really wasn't interested in dating him again but was open to the idea of trying.
The other day I got a text message from him asking me if I did okay with my surgery and that he didn't want to bother me but that he was just concerned that I came through okay. I got back to him and told him that I was doing fabulous and that if he wanted to meet up I was up to it. We met for coffee later that day.
I was a bit nervous heading over to the coffee shop. I wouldn't call it butterflies but more a slight trepidation. When I saw him in the parking lot he looked much the same. He commented on how much weight I lost and how good I looked. We went in the door he stepped aside so I could go in first.
When I stepped in the coffee shop and scanned the room I immediately noticed a number of very cute men who appeared around my age and my immediate thought was "damn...all these cute guys and I'm with a guy!" I paid for my own drink and we sat down and proceeded to catch up.
After some small talk, he told me that he had left the company that he was working for and that he had taken a job with another company but that he would be heading to Eureka for a few months in the next couple of days and then the LA area after that. He said that he now regrets taking the assignments.
From that regret comment I assumed that after seeing me looking fabulous he was interested in dating me again. I immediately said "That's great! You will do so well with a change of scenery!" I honestly felt relieved that he would be heading out of town and that I would have no chance of seeing him again any time soon.
I think he got that I wasn't that interested in dating him again.
We caught up on our families, he kept making stupid little jokes that at one time I thought charming, but now were just annoying.
I couldn't help myself but occasionally I scanned the room which he definitely caught on to. We talked about my trying to date and he mentioned my plenty of fish personal ad. I told him that he should post there but he was against it. He leered and leered at me but it was more annoying than flattering.
After less than an hour he said he needed to head out. When I stood he asked me if I was going to walk him out because he knew I intended to stay longer, and I said sure. I think he was hoping that I would kiss him at his car or something because that is what had occurred many times prior.
We stepped into the parking lot and less than 5 feet from the door I stopped. I gave him a hug, he kissed me on my cheek and I wished him luck with the move. When he walked away he turned around and looked back one last time. I went back in, hung out for maybe another hour and proceeded to look cute and approachable but unfortunately didn't make any connections.
I felt sad for Trevor. I felt sad that he, after almost 6 years, still obviously had some serious feelings for me but that I had none. I felt sad because although he moved significantly forward in his career, he made no steps on his emotional maturity. It's like he is at an emotional stand still.
Don't worry, my sad feelings for him won't last long as he definitely put me through the emotional wringer more time than once. But in this moment I have pity for him. He blew it big time and I think he is finally realized it.
I don't mourn the loss of him any more but I still mourn the loss of what we had. I'm just very happy to be finally untied from my feelings for him.
I feel free.
Becoming visible
Feb 05, 2010
It's weird but lately people have been engaging me more at work.
Passing people in the hallway on the way in I get more eye contact, smiles and hellos, from women and men. In the elevator, people I don't know are striking up conversations with me and on the floor people are going out of their way to speak with me. People whose names I don't know are addressing me by my name.
It's like with each pound that melts away my person is becoming a bit more visible.
At this moment I don't think it has much to do with my confidence level which is lagging a bit. I've been feeling under the weather, my birthday is next week about which I am not pleased and I've been frustrated with things at work so I don't think that I'm holding my head higher or smiling more.
I think this has solely to do with peoples perceived value of me. The smaller I get the more they value me.
I don't feel angry or bitter about it, just a bit perplexed.
When I was pre op and immediately post op I wondered if this sort of thing would happen, if I would be valued more giving the same level and quality of care that I've always given.
I wonder where this will go. Perhaps within the next year I will be nominated for some nursing award doing nothing more than I always was doing.
0 comments
Passing people in the hallway on the way in I get more eye contact, smiles and hellos, from women and men. In the elevator, people I don't know are striking up conversations with me and on the floor people are going out of their way to speak with me. People whose names I don't know are addressing me by my name.
It's like with each pound that melts away my person is becoming a bit more visible.
At this moment I don't think it has much to do with my confidence level which is lagging a bit. I've been feeling under the weather, my birthday is next week about which I am not pleased and I've been frustrated with things at work so I don't think that I'm holding my head higher or smiling more.
I think this has solely to do with peoples perceived value of me. The smaller I get the more they value me.
I don't feel angry or bitter about it, just a bit perplexed.
When I was pre op and immediately post op I wondered if this sort of thing would happen, if I would be valued more giving the same level and quality of care that I've always given.
I wonder where this will go. Perhaps within the next year I will be nominated for some nursing award doing nothing more than I always was doing.
Apathy yet again
Jan 26, 2010
I've been feeling apathetic for the past couple of months.
It probably started right before I went to Southern California for my Moms open heart surgery.
Before I went I was doing pretty much everything on target. I was journaling my food, counting my calories religiously, choosing high protein and low carb and fat, hitting my fluid and protein goals and pretty much working out 3-4 days a week.
When I went to So Cal that kind of all fell to the way side. Counting calories was difficult when you were eating out every meal so I pretty much changed my goal to just hitting my protein goals which I was more or less able to do.
I was down there about a week longer than I had anticipated. The fear and insecurity of my Moms situation did more to hurt the situation than help it. The only thing that kept me from over eating was the size of my stomach. After three weeks sitting bedside and after Mom being tucked into rehab I came home.
I was home for a couple of days before I got sick with the head cold from Hell and was out of commission for yet another week. When I was sick it was all I could do to get my liquid and I totally missed my protein goals most of that week.
And to add insult to injury, my hair loss has started despite my valiant efforts to avoid it. So far I'm the only one who can really tell but I'm sure it will get worse before it gets better.
I'm totally off track. I'm up two pounds from last week, I haven't really journaled my food since before I went to So Cal and although I've been able to hit my protein goals this past week I have absolutely no idea how many calories I've consumed.
I'm sick of my counselor and want to end it with her and possibly end therapy for the time being. I'm sick of hearing her experience with weight loss surgery or her other clients experience with dating difficulty here in the North Bay area. I would rather her just let me talk about my experiences and my fears and concerns without her cutting me off.
I don't know what to do to get back on track.
0 comments
It probably started right before I went to Southern California for my Moms open heart surgery.
Before I went I was doing pretty much everything on target. I was journaling my food, counting my calories religiously, choosing high protein and low carb and fat, hitting my fluid and protein goals and pretty much working out 3-4 days a week.
When I went to So Cal that kind of all fell to the way side. Counting calories was difficult when you were eating out every meal so I pretty much changed my goal to just hitting my protein goals which I was more or less able to do.
I was down there about a week longer than I had anticipated. The fear and insecurity of my Moms situation did more to hurt the situation than help it. The only thing that kept me from over eating was the size of my stomach. After three weeks sitting bedside and after Mom being tucked into rehab I came home.
I was home for a couple of days before I got sick with the head cold from Hell and was out of commission for yet another week. When I was sick it was all I could do to get my liquid and I totally missed my protein goals most of that week.
And to add insult to injury, my hair loss has started despite my valiant efforts to avoid it. So far I'm the only one who can really tell but I'm sure it will get worse before it gets better.
I'm totally off track. I'm up two pounds from last week, I haven't really journaled my food since before I went to So Cal and although I've been able to hit my protein goals this past week I have absolutely no idea how many calories I've consumed.
I'm sick of my counselor and want to end it with her and possibly end therapy for the time being. I'm sick of hearing her experience with weight loss surgery or her other clients experience with dating difficulty here in the North Bay area. I would rather her just let me talk about my experiences and my fears and concerns without her cutting me off.
I don't know what to do to get back on track.
My family paints me as a raving bitch and it hurts my feelings
Dec 27, 2009
My family thinks and often talks about what a raving bitch I am and it hurts my feelings excessively.
The morning of my Moms surgery we got to Kaiser at 5am. We proceeded to sit around waiting for an excessive amount of time. When I asked the admitting dept staff they told us she would be called back at 7:30. At 7:45 I went up and asked what was up to find that the surgeon never put in the order for the procedure. When I asked if that happened often they said no and the problem was rectified shortly there after. The way my sister paints it on her blog, I was yelling at the admitting department staff and the nurse and making a huge scene in the admitting department. That was not the case. The conversation was quiet and the only people who were aware if it were my family.
After my Moms surgery we went into ICU and I was simply informed the nurse who was caring for her about the blood pressure difference between my Moms two arms. The blood pressure on the left usually is extremely low while the blood pressure on the right arm appears about right. Problem is that they never want to take her blood pressure on the right because she had a right sided mastectomy (no lymph nodes were removed from her axilla and she has never had lymphedema so it is safe for her BPs on that arm). For fear of them flooding her lungs trying to fluid bolus her BP up (trust me this has happened many times) I find it necessary to inform the nursing staff of the difference. The way my sister painted this situation on her blog I was yelling at the nurse, being unreasonable and a raving bitch and generally painting my family in a bad light and labeling us as "trouble makers".
I've been sitting bedside all day in the ICU for an entire week and it hurts my feelings so much to come here and read on my sisters blog what a raving bitch she thinks I am. It hurts my feelings to be thought of this way and it has always hurt my feelings.
I'm sick and tired of being called a bitch. I was a bitch at one time but its been way over ten years since I would walk down the street slinging shit from side to side. No friend or acquaintance I now have would think of me as a bitch and they are shocked when my brother feels compelled to tell them that I am a bitch and when he asks them how they can stand to be friends with me.
Had I not talked with the admitting department it would have been a couple more hours until they took my Mom back and had I not let the nurse know about the BP difference my Mom might have fluid sogged lungs by this point.
I have asked my siblings many times to please stop using this title with me but obviously they refuse to. I just hurts my feelings so much.
I feel VERY sad and VERY alone right now. I will continue to sit bedside in the ICU because I love my Mom so much. At this point I'm not doing it for my bitch calling siblings.
0 comments
The morning of my Moms surgery we got to Kaiser at 5am. We proceeded to sit around waiting for an excessive amount of time. When I asked the admitting dept staff they told us she would be called back at 7:30. At 7:45 I went up and asked what was up to find that the surgeon never put in the order for the procedure. When I asked if that happened often they said no and the problem was rectified shortly there after. The way my sister paints it on her blog, I was yelling at the admitting department staff and the nurse and making a huge scene in the admitting department. That was not the case. The conversation was quiet and the only people who were aware if it were my family.
After my Moms surgery we went into ICU and I was simply informed the nurse who was caring for her about the blood pressure difference between my Moms two arms. The blood pressure on the left usually is extremely low while the blood pressure on the right arm appears about right. Problem is that they never want to take her blood pressure on the right because she had a right sided mastectomy (no lymph nodes were removed from her axilla and she has never had lymphedema so it is safe for her BPs on that arm). For fear of them flooding her lungs trying to fluid bolus her BP up (trust me this has happened many times) I find it necessary to inform the nursing staff of the difference. The way my sister painted this situation on her blog I was yelling at the nurse, being unreasonable and a raving bitch and generally painting my family in a bad light and labeling us as "trouble makers".
I've been sitting bedside all day in the ICU for an entire week and it hurts my feelings so much to come here and read on my sisters blog what a raving bitch she thinks I am. It hurts my feelings to be thought of this way and it has always hurt my feelings.
I'm sick and tired of being called a bitch. I was a bitch at one time but its been way over ten years since I would walk down the street slinging shit from side to side. No friend or acquaintance I now have would think of me as a bitch and they are shocked when my brother feels compelled to tell them that I am a bitch and when he asks them how they can stand to be friends with me.
Had I not talked with the admitting department it would have been a couple more hours until they took my Mom back and had I not let the nurse know about the BP difference my Mom might have fluid sogged lungs by this point.
I have asked my siblings many times to please stop using this title with me but obviously they refuse to. I just hurts my feelings so much.
I feel VERY sad and VERY alone right now. I will continue to sit bedside in the ICU because I love my Mom so much. At this point I'm not doing it for my bitch calling siblings.
Feeling a bit blue
Dec 09, 2009
The holidays always make me a bit blue and this year is no exception.
I'm extremely happy to have had my surgery and I am very proud of my almost 43lb weight loss. I'm adjusting well and easily to my new stomach and have tolerated almost everything that I have tried to eat. While I'm getting my protein, vitamins and liquids in as ordered, I'm feeling more energized and I can see my weight loss in my face and neck....I'm still blue.
The holidays for me are a time for spending with family, hopefully filled with love and laughter. While I enjoy seeing and spending time with my family, this time of year always makes me retrospective. Perhaps it's the new year looming, a time for reflection and resolution. Every year I get blue.
I'm blue because I reflect on my love life and my lack of it. Last year I was in a relationship but still unhappy as it was a loveless one that I ended a few days after new year. The year before that I was alone as the years before that. It's been MANY YEARS since I've had a holiday without this tone of blue.
I'm 35, almost 36, and I have hopes and aspirations for marriage and motherhood. I'm fearful that time is running out for me in the love department and that I am destined to spend the rest of my life alone....without a decent man or children in my life.
I dream of a loving, supportive and responsible man who thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. I dream of us making a life together.....marriage, a home, a kid or two and even a dog. Most of the year when I wake up from these dreams I'm okay, I can brush them off and move forward relatively easily. The holidays, however, that's harder to do.
I know it's the new year, a mile maker of sorts, marking that yet another year I'm traversing this journey of life alone and in want of love. This year is additionally hard because my mothers health has been iffy and she is going to have open heart surgery very soon adding to my level of stress and insecurity.
I can't wait until the holidays are over and my mother sails through her surgery with no complications and I can get back to easily brushing off the disappointment that the wonderful scenario I was just a part of was just a dream.
2 comments
I'm extremely happy to have had my surgery and I am very proud of my almost 43lb weight loss. I'm adjusting well and easily to my new stomach and have tolerated almost everything that I have tried to eat. While I'm getting my protein, vitamins and liquids in as ordered, I'm feeling more energized and I can see my weight loss in my face and neck....I'm still blue.
The holidays for me are a time for spending with family, hopefully filled with love and laughter. While I enjoy seeing and spending time with my family, this time of year always makes me retrospective. Perhaps it's the new year looming, a time for reflection and resolution. Every year I get blue.
I'm blue because I reflect on my love life and my lack of it. Last year I was in a relationship but still unhappy as it was a loveless one that I ended a few days after new year. The year before that I was alone as the years before that. It's been MANY YEARS since I've had a holiday without this tone of blue.
I'm 35, almost 36, and I have hopes and aspirations for marriage and motherhood. I'm fearful that time is running out for me in the love department and that I am destined to spend the rest of my life alone....without a decent man or children in my life.
I dream of a loving, supportive and responsible man who thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. I dream of us making a life together.....marriage, a home, a kid or two and even a dog. Most of the year when I wake up from these dreams I'm okay, I can brush them off and move forward relatively easily. The holidays, however, that's harder to do.
I know it's the new year, a mile maker of sorts, marking that yet another year I'm traversing this journey of life alone and in want of love. This year is additionally hard because my mothers health has been iffy and she is going to have open heart surgery very soon adding to my level of stress and insecurity.
I can't wait until the holidays are over and my mother sails through her surgery with no complications and I can get back to easily brushing off the disappointment that the wonderful scenario I was just a part of was just a dream.
I was running
Dec 07, 2009
I had an interesting dream in which I was jogging.
In the dream I was walking around a track and I told myself that I should jog. I started jogging and was doing well and I told myself that I should just jog as long a possible and I jogged an entire lap without stopping and without dying. I woke up before I stopped running without stopping.
I woke up feeling happy and hopeful. I sincerely hope to be able to be a jogger some day. I want more dreams like this one.
About Me
Santa Rosa, CA
Location
33.1
BMI
Surgery
10/29/2009
Surgery Date
Oct 21, 2008
Member Since
