It's been a while

Jan 31, 2011

It's been a while since I posted. Somewhat because I'd been feeling that I had it all under control but mostly because it's been a rough year.

I will remember 2010 as the absolute worst and one of best years of my life. Started the year out with Mom in the hospital having gone though open heart double valve replacement surgery. Recovery was rocky but after a number of weeks in the hospital and a few more in rehab she pretty much got to a bit above her baseline. We dodged that bullet, it was touch and go, but she made it out of the woods.

In April, I met a great guy named Dave and we fell for each other. He's sweet, supportive, responsible, sensible, easy on the eyes and thinks I'm one of the most beautiful and sexy ladies on the planet. Don't get me wrong, he nor our relationship is perfect by any means, but I do believe he is "The One" and our relationship is still going strong after a very difficult number of months.

The end of July was difficult for me. A much loved patient, one of the special ones, made the turn and was going towards end of life. This woman had touched me on so many levels. Caring, loving, genuinely interested, nurturing. An all around wonderful person. She and her entire family had captured my heart and the heart of the entire staff. Her passing away was a huge blow to me and my friends.

Dave was tremendously supportive during this time. I mean I couldn't have scripted it better. 

In the beginning of August, Dave and I went to SoCal for the "meet the family visit". Dave had already met most of the family but had yet to meet my Ma and brother Del. I wasn't too worried about Ma liking him but I was very nervous about Delbie.

Delbie spent his whole life the only man surrounded by 4 doting women and he had had trouble in the past with men "sniffing around" his ladies. He had nearly gotten in a fist fight with one of my boyfriend because that bf had the nerve to defend me during one of his customary brow beatings. That paired with the fact that my family can be REALLY obnoxious when we all get together had me very nervous. I was worried that Dave would see me and my family and head runnin for the hills.

The visit went well. Delbie was guardedly polite. Dave and Delbie had a lot in common though I did see a bit of competitive talking but it seemed to be all right. Mom told me she liked him.

A few weeks later I got the call that would change my life. Mom had gone in the hospital for what we thought was her quarterly top off for her anemia but we quickly found out that wasn't the case.

She was transferred from AV hospital to Kaiser Sunset where they had done her open heart surgery. We found out that her mitral valve had failed, most likely from some infection that went undetected (Mom had recurrent UTIs). The roller coaster started.

During that week plus at Kaiser Sunset they offered a repeat open heart surgery but the way the surgeon presented it I could tell that he wanted us to decline. He have her a 50/50 chance of surviving. I asked the surgeon if her odds would be better if she were stronger nutritionally (she had lost over 100lbs in the year plus prior to this time) and physically and he us told that it could. As a family we opted to delay the surgery for a month to give us time to fatten her up and get her moving better. 

Two days after going home we were back in AV hospitals ER. That morning, Mom was extremely short of breath and was on the fast track to respiratory failure. We called 911 and she was transported there. They were finally able to get her breathing under control with BIPAP and a little bit of morphine. During this admission the roller coaster got worse.

We were told that the Kaiser Sunset surgeon took surgery away as an option but then a second surgeon said that although surgery wasn't an option that she could have a number of months of good quality of life if we properly maintained her CHF (the effect of the heart valve failure).

The hospice team met with us. We didn't think that she'd make it home because she was so unstable respiratory wise. We got special permission for Katie, her 4 year old granddaughter, to visit her in the hospital for what we thought was the last time. We all had our conversations, said our good byes, told her we loved her and sat vigil.

They surprised us with discharge plans. We weren't prepared mentally or emotionally but took her home anyway. Once home she stabilized, we think because we were very strict with her fluid and sodium restriction. Fighting with her over water was heart wrenching. We found out that sneaky Grandma would send the 4 year old to the water dispenser for cups of water when no one was around. We laughed about it and corrected the situation. Mom was not pleased to have been found out.

Because of Mom's weakness, she required two of us to care for her around the clock. Jane, who was unemployed at the time, signed up and I was there for the first four weeks. Dave had come down for about 5 days during this time both to see me and to support me and was very helpful with Mom's care. He'd jump up at any moment to help me or Jane boost her in bed or get her up and out of it.

Mom really seemed to like him. She joked with him about how I had trained him up to be quite the nurses aid. One morning at about 6:30 I got up with Mom. I was sitting at the table with her drinking coffee while she picked at her breakfast. Dave came out and sat at the table with us. Mom looked at me and said "Lucy, you are a good kid". When I smiled and said thank you she looked at Dave, with a mischievous gleam in her eye and said "but you're better". We all laughed and smiled. Dave blushed but appeared to appreciate the comment.

It was very difficult time. Mom went on night shift hours. She would sleep a lot during the day and be up multiple times in the night asking to get out of bed. She would ring this damn bell that we all came to loathe. It was excruciating. We would argue with her about staying in bed because it was unsafe to leave her in a chair or on the edge of the bed because she was impulsive and weak. Mom tried everything from sweet talking us to being mean and nasty but for her safety we couldn't let her out during the night. We tried everything from giving her ativan and oral morphine before bed to sobbing and begging in the middle of the night but little helped. Trisha became known as the "Mom Whisperer" because she was the only one who could settle her down in the middle of the night. Our day time hours were zombie like for lack of sleep and gallons of coffee were consumed.

I only had 6 weeks available to me for the leave and given how stable she had become and the fact that she could last for months as she was, we, as a family opted to send me home until Mom needed a higher level of care.

Four or five weeks after arriving, I left the house at 3:30am to catch an early AM train to NorCal. I went in to see Mom before I left and as expected she was awake. We talked quietly. I told her how much I loved her, she told me that she really liked Dave, that she approved of him and that she loved me. She thanked me for all the help I had given. During our talk I stroked her hair. Right before I left, I kissed her on the forehead and told her I'd see her later. Leaving was very difficult. My gut told me I should stay but my head prevailed. 

Jane was the primary care giver while Trisha and Delbie traded weeks off. The family kind of got into a groove. I would call daily to check on her and would try to talk with her but often, in her usual style, she'd turf me to another family member as quickly as possible. The family reported periods of confusion and some decreased urine output. Mom was seeing a man in the back yard looking in the window and a little girl in the room. We felt that our Dad was close and that perhaps the little girl was her sister who she lost to scarlet fever. Trisha's garden was in uncharacteristic splendor for the season.

Meanwhile, things in NorCal were spiraling out of control for me. The week before Mom got sick, I had approached my boss to tell her that I was willing to orient to lead nurse and she expressed doubt in my ability by saying that to be lead,  I'd need to be more "diplomatic". I was shocked because that job had been offered to me years before and I had declined. I was perplexed by the change of heart especially since I had had no knowledge of "issues" with my attitude since the offer was made. 

A week after this event with my boss, I had probably the worst shift of my career. We were dangerously understaffed and before going out of the report room we had already drafted an Assignment Under Protest, a union document putting the hospital on notice that we felt the situation was unsafe. The stress level in the report room was palpable in more than just me.

When getting report from the off going nurse I found out that Wendy, the day shift secretary, had offered to stay to help us. When I expressed huge relief that Wendy could do the beginning shift vital signs the nurse told me that she couldn't. I asked "why not?" in not the most ideal tone. The off going nurse, having had a horrible day, flared at me and we had a heated discussion that lasted only a few minutes. During this time I found out that Wendy was not allowed to do care partner work because she had never been trained to do it. I had no idea that there were just secretaries because every secretary I had worked with in my 5 plus years had been both secretary/care partner. I was embarrassed and ashamed about my flare. After report was finished, I immediately went to Wendy and apologized. She told me that it was okay and that it didn't bother her in the least. This was a Saturday.

That weekend I emailed my boss to let her know about some charting problems I had encountered and I was surprised to get a response about my "behavior problems".  I went to work fearful about being called out but had prepared myself for it. Even though I made myself available, my boss did not make time to talk with me. Later that week was when I got the call that Mom was in the hospital and I had to leave for SoCal.

Now, more than a month after the situation and with my Mom home on hospice, my boss was insistent on writing me up. Also during this time, our union was in the midst of nasty contract negotiations and there were very valid murmurs of strike. 

My stress level was beyond belief. I was on the verge of panic attacks, I wasn't sleeping. I was at my wits end.

My friends and I had planned a camping trip months before. Given the stress of my personal and professional life I wanted desperately to go and pretend that my life was, even for a moment, "normal".  I had spoken with the family and Ma seemed about the same. Trisha reported some increased confusion but she seemed stable to me from what they were telling me. I made plans to head to SoCal on a Monday train.

I finally met with my boss on Thursday, Sept 30th. I had a panic attack that morning at about 3am from the stress of everything.

When I sat down to meet with her, she informed me that I had the right to have union representation at this meeting. When I told her that I didn't realize this was one of "those" meetings she offered to postpone the meeting until someone from the union was available. Given that they were up to their eyeballs in nasty negotiations I knew that they'd not be available to meet for weeks and I was sick of the stress. My boss told me this meeting was a "fact finding" meeting and that she planned to write up a corrective action plan for my attitude.   

Our meeting was very brief. She wrote down my recollection of the things I said and informed me that she had two more people to meet with. I told her that I'd be in touch with the union rep but given that they were still in negotiations with hospital administration that it'd probably take a week or more to get an appointment with them to meet with the two of us. I left numb but a bit glad to have it done with.

Friday, Dave and I went to the campsite. I was very uncomfortable because I had absolutely no cell phone service. As we were arriving, I got a text message from Delbie. It was a video of my Mom saying "hello" to me and Delibes's attempt to guilt me into coming home sooner. Mom was breathing easy, was a bit confused but looked stable to me. I was relieved  to find they had pay phones and a little general store with someone available to answer the phone. I called home and gave Trisha the name and phone number of the campsite and told her the number of the specific site we were camping at in the event of an emergency.

Camping that weekend was shitty. I was so preoccupied with what was going on at home that I was unable to relax. We found out that a tentative contract had been reached though the nurses took it in the behind. My stress level was lifting gradually. I was able to laugh and smile a bit even though I was still horribly preoccupied.

I called Trisha on Saturday abound 6pm and she told me that Moms breathing had changed and that she had called the hospice nurse. I was so stressed out and so in denial about what was going on down there that even though I heard the words, I didn't comprehend what she was saying. With my knowledge and back ground I should have known. I told Trisha that we planned to break camp in the early AM and that I'd head to SoCal on Sunday rather than Monday.

The next morning, we broke camp and were heading out around 9 am. When we got to the road I got another text message from Delbie from Friday showing Mom smiling at me and mumbling gibberish. I smiled. I then got a voicemail alert and a number of text messages including one that said "Hospice nurse just left. Mom is actively dying. You might consider flying".

I called home immediately. Trisha and Delbie both answered. When I asked how Mom was and got a "just wait minute Lucy" from Delbie, I knew. I desperately asked "she's still with us, right?!" When he told me to "hold on" I got all flushed and time stood still.

They told me that after I got off the phone with them on Saturday the hospice nurse came to see Mom. The nurse informed them that she was actively dying. They tried desperately to get a hold of me on my cell phone but couldn't. Trisha, with her stress and worry, had forgotten that I  had given her the number of the place we were staying.

I found out that Mom passed away on Saturday, October 2nd at around 11:30pm. Katie had been woken to see her about 11. Delbie and Jane where holding her hands and Trisha was at her feet. They said she had no pain and that she passed peacefully.

I began to cry uncontrollably. Dave, who was driving was beside himself. I told my family that I'd leave right away. I asked Dave if he'd be willing to drive me because I didn't trust myself to drive and I couldn't fathom an 8 hour train ride in the state I was in. 

We went home, ditched out camping stuff, packed and showered quickly and got on the road as quickly as possible. I was a zombie. Vacillating between total slack jaw numbness and uncontrollable crying. All Dave could do was hold my hand. 

When we were in Bakersfield I had a moment where I told myself that if I were to die right then I'd be okay with it, my grief was so exquisite. I quickly admonished myself for thinking that because it would upset my family when they were already grieving. Minutes later Dave had to slam on the breaks because some meat head had cut us off. I didn't even flinch even though we came within inches of rear ending the car at 80 miles per hour.

As we came closer to home, I turned to Dave and asked him to give me some time alone with my family. I was worried about Delbie's response to my bringing Dave because during his 5 day visit  the month before Delbie was very nasty about Dave being there. Delbie told me that felt violated that I brought a "stranger" into the house during our family crisis and he felt that he couldn't grieve openly with Dave there. I was fearful that Delbie would be angry that Dave drove me home and that he would lash out at me, or worse, at Dave.

Trisha and Jun came out when they heard us drive up. I met Trisha in the front yard and she hugged me. I again began to cry uncontrollably. I came in the house and my siblings sat with me in the front room. They relayed the events of the few days before to me while I cried. They had thought that I was coming home on Saturday and had been frantic trying to get a hold of me when things were rapidly changing. Delbie admitted to being angry with me and sad for me that I hadn't been there at the end but said that because of my response he wouldn't give me a hard time about. I was openly beating myself up for choosing to go camping rather than coming home Friday. After a while Dave came in.

I went into Moms room and lied face down on her hospital bed. I could smell her body in the sheets and on the pillows. I was sobbing uncontrollably. After a while Dave came in, sat with me and held me. This was easily the worst day of my life.

The week that followed was a whirlwind of details, emotions, plans and to do lists. At any given moment I would be a wreck or consoling someone else. There was so much love in the house. If someone broke down, one of us would go over and hold a hand or give a hug. We were one in our grief. I had never felt so close to my family as I did that week.

We had met with the funeral home while Mom was on hospice and Mom had even been able to make choices for her "party". We had 3 brain cells between the 4 siblings so going to town for even one or two tasks required that we make a list.

Mom's services were nice. Seeing her body was surreal, she didn't really look like herself but she would have LOVED the outfit that Trisha had found for her.  Katie dealt well with seeing Mom's body but she became a bit frightened when she found Mom was cold when she kissed her. Katie sobbed and all I could do was hold her and cry with her. Tracy was so supportive and did a wonderful job running the show for us. Jane's slide show was beautiful and the music choices made after our bickering were fitting.

People we didn't expect to show up did. Many shared wonderful things and stories about our Mom. The day was a bit of a blur.

The casket and flowers were beautiful. Mom, when she was making choices for her services commented that "It's going to be such a nice party". She was right. I'm sure she was there with us and was happy with our send off.

I took two weeks off of work to be with my family after we buried Mom. We were all numb and often tearful. A music box that I had given Mom for Mothers Day some time in the early 90s, that she had probably tossed on the shelf after listening to once, became a token for us to remember her. Katie would bring the music box to one of us, we'd wind it and we'd sit, hold each other, listen and cry.  The two weeks was filled with much love and support for one another.

Before Jane and I left to drive home I went into the empty house alone. I painted it as a "final look" to make sure that we didn't forget anything. 

I spoke aloud to my Mom telling her how much I loved her. It felt like it did when I'd hug her before we'd head home when she was alive. It was very difficult leaving because I knew that I'd never see my Mom again. I looked at her chair and envisioned her sitting there smiling at me, trying to shoo me out so she could get back to her nap or television show. It was bittersweet.

Being home was weird. Getting back into my routine was difficult. I'd have brief moments of worry about Mom and getting the call that she was dying and that I wouldn't be able to make it home in time and then I'd realize that I didn't have to worry about that call any more. I'd cry every day but felt okay with it, my grieving was healthy and appropriate. My friends and Dave were tremendously supportive and my boss finally dropped the desire to write me up.  Every once in a while, I felt compelled to send a text to my siblings to send them my love, to check on them or to let them know I was thinking about them.

Thanksgiving was tough but okay. It was at my house. After we prayed (I insisted because Mom would have wanted it) I made a toast to our Ma and how we missed her. Only one minor altercation occurred that weekend when Delbie fabricated a story about how I had given him a rash of shit about not contributing to Katie's birthday. Even after I read my texts to him from that time period, he insisted on trying to paint me the monster to our family. When that wasn't working, his story then became "who’s attacking now?"

Christmas was horrible, in my opinion, easily the worst family holiday ever. 

When Delbie came in on Thursday night he didn't even look at me. He grudgingly hugged me, only because I came up to him and expected it. He didn't speak to me. I definitely noticed it but tried to set it aside. That night about 2am I went out to speak to him alone and to offer love and support. Trisha had told me that he was having a hard time with Mom gone and with the holiday. When I asked if he was okay he said he was and when I asked him if things were okay between him and I he said no. He said he didn't want to talk to me that night but said he'd be willing to talk to me the next day.

I didn't sleep that night. The next morning about 11, with Dave and Jun gone shooting, I approached Delbie and asked him if we could talk. We went outside to talk and he proceeded to eviscerate me without warning. 

In a matter of fact tone, he told me that I was easily  the most selfish person he had ever encountered and that  I "absolutely knew Mom was dying but I selfishly went to have fun with my friends instead of being here for Moms last days and our family". He said that I had no concern for our Mom or our family and that I "stabbed my entire family in the back with a dagger when they needed me the most". He told me that he hated that I was such a "positive" person and he thought I was fake. He told me that he hated it when I checked on him, that he was doing fine and that he didn't want me texting or emailing him anymore. He told me that if I weren't a sister he, nor my sisters, would have nothing to do with me. 

He told me that the family was worried that I was suicidal but that I shouldn't consider suicide an option because it'd hurt our family more.  Ironically, had I had any inclination to kill myself, I certainly would have done it after this speech. He brow beat me for perhaps 20 minutes and when I tried to get a word in or defend myself he'd cut me off to beat me some more.

Finally, I had all I could take. I proceeded to clench my teeth and pound my fists on the table so hard that my tea spilled all over me and the ground and so hard that I bruised both of my hands. I knocked a chair over when I stood up and shrieked at him with all my mite. I told him that I had so much guilt about not  being there at the end that he couldn't do or say anything to me that I hadn't already done or said to myself. I went on to tell him that even though he could distract himself with work that I couldn't because I regularly have to take care of little old ladies who reminded me of Mom that are dying. I told him that I had no peace at work because I witness uncontrolled suffering and death on a daily basis. I proceeded to tell him that if he didn't want to have anything to do with me from that moment that I was fine with it.

During my outburst, he looked at me like I was a wild animal that may attack at any moment. He was unsure of my next move but from his body language he prepared himself for that possibility. After defending myself, I flew into the house sobbing and told Trisha that I was being disowned.

I immediately got in the shower where I sobbed uncontrollably. Trisha came into the bathroom for something and I told her a small fraction of what was said between Delbie and I. When I went to get dressed, Delbie knocked on the door of the bedroom asking to talk with me. I told him that I couldn't talk to him at that moment. He said he was "sorry" in an angry tone and left. I knew that this apology only came because Trisha threatened to kick him out of her house if he didn't do it. 

I left the house shortly after with only my cell phone and walked into the canyon. I sat by myself and cried in that canyon for over 2 hours. I openly talked to my Mom asking her to please bring Delbie peace. 

I had been out so long I was concerned that Trisha and Dave might be worried about me so I decided to head back. I knew that I couldn't be around Delbie at that time so when I got a cell signal I called Dave to come pick me up.

He took me to town and while at coffee, I shared a bit of what was said. Dave asked me why I cared so much what my brother thought of me and I couldn't immediately tell him why.

I realized in that moment that I had been desperately seeking my brother’s approval my entire life and that all throughout that time I was his target number one. I had spent my entire life trying to beg, borrow or steal his approval. Growing up, when going to town with my friends, I'd use the little bit of money that Mom gave me to buy him things in the hope that he would like them and thereby like me. This was something that I was still doing.  Hours after the Thanksgiving altercation I gave him my laptop I hadn't used in a while. 

Jane was his favorite sister, something he loved to say aloud and Trisha grudgingly had his respect but only because she had cared for Mom so long. He had absolutely no respect for me. I had been his whipping boy since I was probably 12 and my siblings had been happy to let me have that title. 

Many, many times growing up Delbie would single me out for verbal abuse and they would only come to my defense when I would threaten to leave, begin to cry uncontrollably or call it to their attention that they were doing nothing to defend me while he continued to attack me. At those times, one or the other would yell at Delbie to leave me alone. 

Dave and I came home later that night after a movie. I was uneasy entering the house. I sat on the couch and  Dave sat beside me holding my hand. Delbie proceeded to sit on the opposite couch and began to brow beat me again. After a number of minutes of trying to get him to have a reasonable discussion I asked him, for the sake of our sisters, to either ignore me or try to be cordial in their presence. He got all revved up about me wanting  him to be "fake" like I was and that he couldn't do that. Finally, knowing that nothing else could be gained from the discussion I told him "I'm done" and turned away from him, ignoring him. He continued to chide me about "being fake" but after a number of minutes of me not responding, he gave up and left the room.

Dinner that night was awkward. Delbie announced to the house that he "didn't want to sit by me" which suited me fine because I had no desire to be near him either because I felt uncomfortable and was a bit fearful of him. Karena told him he was being "childish".

Later that night, while I was alone in the computer room he approached me with an "apology". It went something like "If you try really hard, maybe someday I'll forgive you, but probably not for a long time and I will NEVER forget what you did to our family".

This "apology" was only at the prompting of Jane and Karena. I told him that some things are so mean and nasty that, once said, can never be taken back and what he said to me that morning was one of those things. I went on to tell him that I realized that I had spent my entire life trying to gain his approval and that I was done trying. I told him to save his breath and his apology because I no longer cared if he hated me or not. 

He got snippy and defensive and said "so you're not willing to fix this?" and I said "I don't think it's fixable". He stormed out of the office and told Jane and Karena that he tried but that I was unwilling to fix things. This was Christmas Eve.

The next morning I woke up feeling very sad and dejected. I told Dave that this was the worst Christmas ever and that I wanted to go home after opening the gifts and that I wanted to skip Christmas dinner. Dave was visibly upset by my mood but all he could do was hug me.

I was numb during the gift opening, unable to express joy, surprise or share in Katie's excitement. I felt positively grey and sick to my stomach. Karena later told me that it looked like I was going to cry. When Katie handed one of my gifts for Delbie to him, I looked away. The first gift was kind of a tongue in cheek one, a 13 count Costco pack of Chap Stick. My brother, the Chap Stick addict, joked uncomfortably about it. I could tell that he was uncomfortable because it was evident that I had drawn his name. When Katie handed him his real gift, I looked away again. It was a $250 iPhone gift card, exactly what he wanted and significantly more than the $100 gift maximum.

Delbie looked at me and said "Lucy I don't hate you, I love you" and gave me a one armed hug. It was all I could do to keep from bursting into tears. I felt half a person for the rest of the gift opening. I felt horrible for Dave because he had spent so much time, thought and energy into choosing gifts for me. The saddest part was when I opened my last gift.

Inside the box was a rust colored back pack. He awkwardly suggested that I take a look inside. Inside I found a small wrapped jewelry box. When I opened it I found a beautiful pair of diamond earrings. They were stunning. I was genuinely touched but had to fake my excitement.

The morning was a haze of grey. Breakfast was uneventful and the guys set up Katie's Wii. Trisha told me that she didn't want Dave and I to leave and she insisted we stay for dinner. She offered to kick Delbie out but I told her that wasn't necessary. 

Later that morning while the family was playing with the Wii, Delbie went to Jane and asked her to look in his ear. She glanced and told him he had a huge zit and suggested that he have me look at it. I offered to and he accepted.

When we were in the bathroom he offered a true apology. He said he "took back all the things I said about you yesterday. I don't really think those things about you and I love you". I got tears in my eyes and thanked him for his apology. I told him that what he said to me had been very hurtful and that I'd do my best to let the pain go. We hugged and although I still felt sad about the content of his message the day before,  I felt significantly better and was no longer uncomfortable being in the room with him. 

At dinner that night, Delbie made a comment about wishing Mom was there. He got a bit choked up and we all agreed with him. Dinner was delicious, as Trisha's dinners usually are. We all became Wii addicts. Poor Katie didn't get to play her new toy very much but she seemed to be enjoying watching us all play.

I was happy to go home the next day and to have Christmas done and over. 

New Years Eve was enjoyable. Dave and I  went to dinner and a comedy show in the city with Scott and Donna. The show was over at 10 so Dave and I were able to be home for the ball drop.

At the stroke of midnight, while hugging and kissing Dave my eyes filled with tears and ran over. He looked worried but relaxed when I told him it was because I was so happy to be with him in this moment. That was only a half truth.

The reality was I was relieved to have 2010 over and done with. The stroke of midnight was the official end of my year from Hell. It was a mark in time for me, an end to a particularly awful, exquisitely painful chapter of my life. It was was finally over.

That night, my tears were tears of sadness, loss, love, happiness and relief.

Since then, I finally had my first post op appointment with my surgeon. Luckily I have been able to maintain since my Mom got sick even after having jumped off the diet and workout wagon during my grief. He gave me an appetite suppressant, some additional diet info and instructions to see him in 3 months.

Today I am beginning to feel hopeful again. I can smile and feel genuinely happy. I think of Mom every day and still sometimes talk aloud to her when I'm alone. When I really miss her, I send an email to her yahoo account telling her how much I miss and love her. I  had told Katie that she could send letters to Grandma in Heaven when she misses her so I'm sure Ma can also get her email there.

I hope to be able to work on my relationship with Delbie and hope that someday we can have a mutually respectful, loving exchange but I know that it takes two to fix things. I'm committed to no longer trying to desperately seek his love and approval so if he is unwilling to mend things I am okay with it and know that it won’t be a reflection on me. I still ache in my chest when I think of that day and his message to me but I'm working on letting it go. Life's too short to hold onto pain and suffering.

At this moment, I feel that the world is a beautiful place with endless possibilities.

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