first workout / grief

Sep 24, 2009

ate wonderfully this morning. protein in the coffee. plain tunafish low fat cheese, carbmaster yogurt. water.

did a mile on the elyptical (16 mins) 3 reps of 15 on all the arm machines.

then got a peanut butter blizzard.
and got the most debilitating stomach pain ive ever had.

thank you jesus.


it will be a lot easier for me once i get on phentermine again. just have to get the cravings under control. going back to the gym again tomorrow and doing 2 miles and the leg and ab machines.

i feel better already though. all my back and neck muscles have been so tight and tense, it's good to work them out.

i'm exhausted. looking forward for this month to be over.



*a few hours later*
i just want to write. i 've got so much going on. i want to get it out. when i was young i wrote volumes on my life, which was primarily pain, my obesessions. i'm sad. i keep having flashbacks of my childhood with my mom. i keep seeing her lying in her hospice bed. i never really thought she'd die. i really thought she'd beat cancer like she did before, i'm not going to tell you all the things i thought.
i'm ashamed.
every day i miss her. i would talk to her for hours, rambling on and on about whatever was going on with me at the time, getting upset when i'd call her and she wanted to tell me how happy she was. all i wanted to do was talk. i never listened. i never read between the lines. i never heard, Sarah i'm dying. i never knew. i should have. i miss my mom so much. 
i have her cremains on my plant stand, between two of her tins that she collected. i havent gotten an urn, i dont knwo what to get. i want her near me, though i know she cant be. when i first got back home i felt her all around me, and i would constantly apologize for crying. now i feel that she has truly passed on nwo and isnt around like she was. i know she's happy. i know she isnt hurting.
and my heart is still breaking that she told me she hopes i have a better life. i'm trying mom. i'm trying.
i've been in therapy pretty much my whole life. but i have crappy insurance and i get crappy therapists.
so, just time will heal..

sigh.

just having a sad moment. i get them off and on through out hte day. today at work my boss was telling everyone that sarah is perfectly normal because she takes her medicine.
i could'nt veryw ell say, actually, i've spent years institutionalized and half my life in therapy. i couldnt very well tell them i'm tattooed to cover up all the woulds i've self inflicted.
and all that stuff is flashing through my head. at work. and i smile and agree. i'm normal, because i take my medicine.
right.
i'm gladi 've got people convinced, it makes me feel like i'm going in the right direction. but i am who i am. and right now, i'm terribly lonely.

i know everything does happen for a reason and i do know that God has a plan. and i'm sorry if i'm offensive, but i've lived this long and gone through so much that it's what i count on. and i have a love hate relationship with religion and its hard for me to embrace it. i hope i dont ever go to extremes with it. that's all my mom had to resort to for a while,,, and it was bad for us.

dita watned to watch the nightmare before christmas. i dont think she's really seen it yet. it's pretty late for her to be watching this. but she's cuddling with me. she asked me why iw as crying and i said i have a tummy ache. i dont want to stress her out. sh's such a good girl.

i went to joannes to get scrapbook paper after work but the line was so long to check out i put the stuff down. her daycare gave me pictures of her and her best friend there and tehy're so cute. i need to get her daycare year in scrap. i havent done any of that.

it's one of my duties as a mom i think. she needs keepsakes about her life. it's important.

i'm hurting.
i'm traumatized.
i'm not a baby anymore, i'm not a child. i should be able to handle this better.

but i just keep thinking about it. and i miss her so terribly.
i really dont deal with loss well. my mom made me who i am through good and terrible experiences. now, i'm the remains of us. who am i now? i cant undo my life. i cant work things out. i told her over and over hwo sorry i am. she said no, she was sorry. she said she was terrible to us. she wasnt. she was. it's okay. it wasnt all bad. i loved her immensely. i'm terribly sad our relationship was never great. i'm terribly sorry that we shared the same mental disease. i want to hug her.
i want to tell everyone about my mother. about how she died. about what it was like being there with her. my molm died.
my mom died.

:(
it'll get better. i'm just trying to heal.

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